538
Michael Litvak: I Want to be useful to others, live for yourself
Today we are glad to present you an interview with Mikhail Efimovich Litvak.Want to be useful to others, live for yourself;
don't know how to raise a child — leave him alone;
want to change your destiny? it is possible;
you called a fool — I agree with this, —
according to participants of our interview, doctor, candidate of medical Sciences, chief therapist, member-correspondent of the Academy of natural Sciences Mikhail LITVAK.
At first glance, such statements are puzzling. We used to live and think differently. Or maybe we just overlooked the fact that there are clear rules by which we achieve in our life what we wish?
These rules and more Michael Litvak hears in his twenty books on topical problems of psychotherapy, psychology, communication, management.
And he developed methods for training efficient communication and treatment of neurosis M. Litvak uses in the classroom they also created a club called the CROSS — a club who decided to master stressful situations.
All this we talk with our guest and here's my first question:
One of your books called "If you want to be happy," begins with these words: "they Say hope dies last, and I would have killed her first." Why?
It happened in my practice.We have a lot of people are hoping and not doing anything. Maybe, I'll manage, someone strong will help, come the knight on a white horse and set it up. But, at the same time, people understand that natural phenomena are subject to strict laws.
To put his hand in boiling water is impossible, and if lowered, then whom to blame? Myself, of course. But as for communication, we all think that if not ill will of the partner in communication, then I would be okay. And they don't realize that the laws of communication quite hard. And just "drop it in boiling water", but "accused" in this water, and again hope.
Then I say: come on hope, let's study these laws of communication, will act in accordance with the laws, and they will help you.
Twenty years ago I was a doctor of traditional plan — hypnosis, autogenic training, tablets. Sick from the drugs, but whether they will teach a person to solve their problems? Of course not.
He returns in the turbulent environment of the society... and again comes to us. Instead of taking it to practice, I'd say. It turns out the "revolving door phenomenon".
I began to reflect on it, appeared of the teacher. I was helped by Professor Liebig, S. S., Petrakov D. B. On the basis of the previously known formed their own ideas what to do to treat when sick neurosis virtually no drugs.
I want to articulate what is neurosis? It is a disease that develops after a psychological trauma. They are in the family or at work. The patient often thinks that it is his partner in communication, and we told him: no, and your share of responsibility is. Learn to behave properly — there will be no conflict. For cotton, you need two hands...
And then, instead of pills and medicines we have to teach our patients how to psychological communication.
You have a term "psychological Aikido".
This technique has roots in the personality-oriented methods of psychotherapy. This is a new approach. Aikido is a flexible way to victory, and those who hold them, try to "opt out", to avoid conflict and again to go forward... the bottom line — you quickly agree with your partner and walk away from the fight.
There are three options:
He is lost, waiting for the attack, no attack. And then you can say: "How clever you are, how you got me. I've hid it, and only you could understand me. You are smart, you have to communicate with a fool."
All the time so can not communicate, because you lose of partners. But if you want to break communication and to punish, you can do it, because it also needs to be able to stand up for themselves.
One of the students told the following story. He got on the bus, ignoring the woman, he began to search the pockets of the ticket. "How long will you be picked?", — said the woman. — "Long." — "I now coat the head will fit". — "It'll fit". The bus laughing. "There's nothing funny". — "Of course not." She was quiet.
And whether in this case the training? The person needs to lose some of the situations not to get lost in the moment?
Yes, of course! We know the rule, but then out of habit we answer the old break. Then there is another "delayed depreciation". Call me stupid, I can not withstand, respond in the old way. The next day go up to him and say: "Sorry, Peter, I realized that you're right."
The second version of "Aikido" for heads and teachers, when you flatter.
Flattery and admiration. And I want to ask You a question — what is more dangerous?
Perhaps, admiration.
You're right, of course, it is dangerous. Flatter in order for something to draw, for example, Fox and Crow. She didn't need to kill a Crow, just to get the cheese.
When you flatter, nice. Why not use the actual content, but you need to be able thus to behave.
When I was a young doctor praised me, said I was a good doctor, but it ended that I had more work. Then when I studied the techniques of communication, I listened to words of flattery and said, "Thank you, I enjoy your words" -- then I kept a small pause and continued, — "because they are not based on any request." Many bosses say that it really works.
About the rapture. The one who admires you, definitely will betray you. And the one who admires us, we are bringing to yourself. He sucks the life out of us the juices. And betray when? — in the most difficult moment for us.
The psychology of betrayal we studied. Unfortunately, in science I have not found literature on this topic. I 8 years ago I wrote an article, "the Psychology of betrayal". We distinguish five types of betrayal. If a person is aware of the problem, he can protect himself from betrayal.
The third is cooperation.If you offer something, you should immediately agree. You called — I immediately agreed. People that expect me to do? consent. Let's say I agree, we are discussing the details, but if I say that everything should be in my opinion, cooperation is impossible. But then I keep person for communication in the future. Unfortunately, few people use it.
And finally, about the "Aikido". It is based on General physical principles.
When I push from the top down, what should I do? First to sit down, continue the same "movement", but only then to get up. It's the law.
In your books, and found this interesting term "scenario". It concerns the fate of a person? It is possible to change fate?
Yes. In the book "If you want to be happy" I describe the seven worst scenarios, and show how these people with our help, rebuilt their lives became very different.
What is the scenario? The script is the psychological force that pulls a person to the fate regardless of whether he considers it a free choice or resists. This definition of Bern.
Our fate is dependent on genes. I man, You woman. We will act in these roles.
In General, life is easy, if you live in accordance with their own nature.
In the process of education many parents want to make baby what can be done. And he lives bad. Better child to educate, and to grow. Cucumber — cucumber, tomato — tomato. The child wants to be an artist, his mother — in accountants, etc. and then he lives his own life and the script, who hung him by his parents. It need to be reprogrammed. So he went back to whom?.. To himself. It is easier to be yourself.
The easiest tree to grow straight. It will grow to great heights. Initially, man is born happy, but then he becomes unhappy under the influence of parental pressure. And when this program is disrupted, the person becomes ill until, until he returns to your program.
Those people who are still okay, do not resort, unfortunately, to help. And that is bad — running, they just have nowhere to go. When I tell them their views, they are outraged. One of the views — you have to live for yourself, then you will select the right people; the most important person — the one you're sotrudnichaets. This is consistent with our nature.
What instincts should we meet?
We must satisfy four instincts:
Nutritive and defensive we meet with those with whom you work. If you want to eat, and nowhere to live, we will not be up to sex. Sexual partner is in a more distant place. The children even further.
A third child needs to be fed with milk, and ten years gone. Said Jesus Christ: "I came to divide father from son, mother from daughter, daughter-in-law". After five years with the child need to cooperate. If you don't ruin the relationship "parent-child" how are you gonna start cooperating?
Here I am now with his son came to him for thirty years. If we had a relationship "father-son", we had nothing to say. We collaborate together. And at the same time I as a father pleased that beside me son. I just show how to save loved ones, children, not to be a burden to them.
You say you need to love yourself. We don't know how to love yourself?
I want to give love a definition, which belongs to the therapist, psychologist Fromm.
"Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love."
Most people say: no one to love. And we raise the question differently: can you love? I often tell students that many people confuse love with sex. Are two different things.
The workshops I tell my students: "I'm active, I'm interested in your development. This is the act of my love for you, although, maybe to you to listen to something unpleasant. But if you don't want to accept my love, what can I do?" Therefore, love can only Mature person that can help someone to develop.
We often confuse attraction with love. I love caviar. From this my love, what will happen to her?.. How can I be sure that woman loves me, if she lives at my expense? And another thing, if she's independent and, nevertheless, with me. Then I believe her. The person is addicted, dependent, in principle, can not love. Well, of course, the basic love is love for who? — to himself.
I do physical activity — it is an act of self-love. Read a book, improve their skills — the act of self-love. The society benefits from it. Man brings benefits to others, if the correct lives for themselves. Now let's see if I got drunk, the night did not sleep, then at this moment I do not love yourself.
And now — why it is necessary to love yourself? If I don't like, I people bad. If I ever loved you, then, as an honest man, I must leave you.Not bad to give to your loved one. Man needs love. He's not mom, dad needs, he needs a mother's love.
One more important point. We must not forget that there is love of truth. We need to understand how the world works, then we will be able to navigate it. One of his books I begin: "If the worm knew how the Apple, he would be alive for a long time. He gnaws the Apple near the stalk, and it (life) begins to deal with it". Knowing how the world works, we can take their place, and then everything will be easy. So we learn to love. Unfortunately, mom may not always love their children.
They love wrong, in my opinion...
This question is wrong. Or you love or not love. Coming to me Mama with a baby and says he loves it, I always ask: "What can he do?" If he can not do anything, so mom didn't love him. She says: "I want to become a great scientist, and do everything for him. Wash, cook". I said, "You don't like him. If he was drafted into the army, it would kill him. He's a CIT, there is not such like. Stop him erased." Mom: "But he's gonna go dirty, I will blame the teacher". I said, "You do not care about the fate of his son, if only you weren't cursed".
We are doing with young girls. I have twenty years of experience and have results. We have already worked out how to talk to baby in stomach how to the baby and so on. And by 7 months they have almost become tidy. Children need to talk on equal terms. As a recommendation — a child need only speak "eye to eye". Only in this case, developing intelligence. Or raise your child in conversation, or sit down. And we have the mother pull the baby, he's down, he can not at this time to think.
Tell us about your club CROSS ( Rostov — on — don)
The Club Decided To Master Stressful Situations. Organized for a very long time. Those of my patients who were discharged, came to study, and then brought the relatives. The club turned out to be people who are not yet ill.
Many people with neurosis started with the Cross, and they have not had time to go to the hospital and take medicine. People come with real problems. The husband is gone — need it back. Began to help in this. It turned out, their husbands back. And the result is, you know, what was? Our student did not take them, they are without them "rose" and the men of steel they do not need.
Then began to seek the help of business people: how to behave with the boss, how to occupy a particular position, as show their dignity?
By the way, in the CROSS come the smart people who are willing to change themselves, and many succeeded. Taking leadership positions, they are in the Cross studied the correct behavior with subordinates. The club is involved in the psychology business, industrial psychology. We even had the experience of the candidate to the campaign.
We now live in fear. Could you give some tips on how to deal with it? Maybe there are techniques by which you can remove the anxiety and fear?
You probably mean "script"? It is a long job. Of course, it all starts with small tips...
The nature of fear, we somehow deciphered. It goes from ideas of grandeur: "I am the man, that with me nothing ever can happen". And you need to say, "me too, anything can happen."
For example, the person offering to perform in front of a large audience. He's afraid of. I ask, "what happen?" It turns out that deep in his unconscious the idea — I'm the kind of person that I should get it right first time. And yet this idea sits in it, he will be afraid.
The second idea — "circle of fools". I told him that there are smart, they will understand you. When this idea is removed, the person goes and does.
And what can I say? Try, try, dear readers. Act, now you may at first not succeed, but we must bear in mind that the failure to 7 times more useful than success, so our brain is arranged. Only when you fail, you will note not on those who are laughing at you, and those you sympathize with. Then failure will be a case of cleaning your social environment and you will immediately become clear who is who.
Well, still, what to do in order to be happy?
The formula of happiness: "I Want, can and must — needs to have the same content." That's all right then. If I want to, but can't, need?.. to learn how to do it.
Only I urge to fulfill their desires psychologically literate way, based on the laws of communication that do not depend on us. They should be open. Legal laws can be written, and these laws of which I speak, it is only necessary to understand and act in accordance with them.
You write: "the more you give advice, the more the enemy will get it." Please explain.
I came up with the following formula: qualification of psychologist inversely proportional to the amount given to councils. A good specialist, the psychologist does not give advice, it helps to make the right decision. I tell you how life works, so they will be something, otherwise they will be something. The laws, exceptions can not be. Now you can choose. My job is to my patient could live without me.
So, if you suggest, say, "thank you", leave and don't go there anymore. It is necessary to make decisions.
Here's another tip, if you will. From the doctor, which ensures a full recovery, walk away. Not all depends on the doctor, much depends on the person. Long known that the body heals itself and the doctor helps. And when we share our achievements, I take 10 % and 90% of it. It works, but I only help.
And one last tip. It is necessary to hope only for own forces. When you start to do something, there will always be people who will help you.published
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: //litvak.me/statyi/article_post/bud-samim-soboy
don't know how to raise a child — leave him alone;
want to change your destiny? it is possible;
you called a fool — I agree with this, —
according to participants of our interview, doctor, candidate of medical Sciences, chief therapist, member-correspondent of the Academy of natural Sciences Mikhail LITVAK.
At first glance, such statements are puzzling. We used to live and think differently. Or maybe we just overlooked the fact that there are clear rules by which we achieve in our life what we wish?
These rules and more Michael Litvak hears in his twenty books on topical problems of psychotherapy, psychology, communication, management.
And he developed methods for training efficient communication and treatment of neurosis M. Litvak uses in the classroom they also created a club called the CROSS — a club who decided to master stressful situations.
All this we talk with our guest and here's my first question:
One of your books called "If you want to be happy," begins with these words: "they Say hope dies last, and I would have killed her first." Why?
It happened in my practice.We have a lot of people are hoping and not doing anything. Maybe, I'll manage, someone strong will help, come the knight on a white horse and set it up. But, at the same time, people understand that natural phenomena are subject to strict laws.
To put his hand in boiling water is impossible, and if lowered, then whom to blame? Myself, of course. But as for communication, we all think that if not ill will of the partner in communication, then I would be okay. And they don't realize that the laws of communication quite hard. And just "drop it in boiling water", but "accused" in this water, and again hope.
Then I say: come on hope, let's study these laws of communication, will act in accordance with the laws, and they will help you.
Twenty years ago I was a doctor of traditional plan — hypnosis, autogenic training, tablets. Sick from the drugs, but whether they will teach a person to solve their problems? Of course not.
He returns in the turbulent environment of the society... and again comes to us. Instead of taking it to practice, I'd say. It turns out the "revolving door phenomenon".
I began to reflect on it, appeared of the teacher. I was helped by Professor Liebig, S. S., Petrakov D. B. On the basis of the previously known formed their own ideas what to do to treat when sick neurosis virtually no drugs.
I want to articulate what is neurosis? It is a disease that develops after a psychological trauma. They are in the family or at work. The patient often thinks that it is his partner in communication, and we told him: no, and your share of responsibility is. Learn to behave properly — there will be no conflict. For cotton, you need two hands...
And then, instead of pills and medicines we have to teach our patients how to psychological communication.
You have a term "psychological Aikido".
This technique has roots in the personality-oriented methods of psychotherapy. This is a new approach. Aikido is a flexible way to victory, and those who hold them, try to "opt out", to avoid conflict and again to go forward... the bottom line — you quickly agree with your partner and walk away from the fight.
There are three options:
- when I was insulted (can you say, approach me from top to bottom);
- business communication as we have now with You
- a third option is when admire me.
He is lost, waiting for the attack, no attack. And then you can say: "How clever you are, how you got me. I've hid it, and only you could understand me. You are smart, you have to communicate with a fool."
All the time so can not communicate, because you lose of partners. But if you want to break communication and to punish, you can do it, because it also needs to be able to stand up for themselves.
One of the students told the following story. He got on the bus, ignoring the woman, he began to search the pockets of the ticket. "How long will you be picked?", — said the woman. — "Long." — "I now coat the head will fit". — "It'll fit". The bus laughing. "There's nothing funny". — "Of course not." She was quiet.
And whether in this case the training? The person needs to lose some of the situations not to get lost in the moment?
Yes, of course! We know the rule, but then out of habit we answer the old break. Then there is another "delayed depreciation". Call me stupid, I can not withstand, respond in the old way. The next day go up to him and say: "Sorry, Peter, I realized that you're right."
The second version of "Aikido" for heads and teachers, when you flatter.
Flattery and admiration. And I want to ask You a question — what is more dangerous?
Perhaps, admiration.
You're right, of course, it is dangerous. Flatter in order for something to draw, for example, Fox and Crow. She didn't need to kill a Crow, just to get the cheese.
When you flatter, nice. Why not use the actual content, but you need to be able thus to behave.
When I was a young doctor praised me, said I was a good doctor, but it ended that I had more work. Then when I studied the techniques of communication, I listened to words of flattery and said, "Thank you, I enjoy your words" -- then I kept a small pause and continued, — "because they are not based on any request." Many bosses say that it really works.
About the rapture. The one who admires you, definitely will betray you. And the one who admires us, we are bringing to yourself. He sucks the life out of us the juices. And betray when? — in the most difficult moment for us.
The psychology of betrayal we studied. Unfortunately, in science I have not found literature on this topic. I 8 years ago I wrote an article, "the Psychology of betrayal". We distinguish five types of betrayal. If a person is aware of the problem, he can protect himself from betrayal.
The third is cooperation.If you offer something, you should immediately agree. You called — I immediately agreed. People that expect me to do? consent. Let's say I agree, we are discussing the details, but if I say that everything should be in my opinion, cooperation is impossible. But then I keep person for communication in the future. Unfortunately, few people use it.
And finally, about the "Aikido". It is based on General physical principles.
When I push from the top down, what should I do? First to sit down, continue the same "movement", but only then to get up. It's the law.
In your books, and found this interesting term "scenario". It concerns the fate of a person? It is possible to change fate?
Yes. In the book "If you want to be happy" I describe the seven worst scenarios, and show how these people with our help, rebuilt their lives became very different.
What is the scenario? The script is the psychological force that pulls a person to the fate regardless of whether he considers it a free choice or resists. This definition of Bern.
Our fate is dependent on genes. I man, You woman. We will act in these roles.
In General, life is easy, if you live in accordance with their own nature.
In the process of education many parents want to make baby what can be done. And he lives bad. Better child to educate, and to grow. Cucumber — cucumber, tomato — tomato. The child wants to be an artist, his mother — in accountants, etc. and then he lives his own life and the script, who hung him by his parents. It need to be reprogrammed. So he went back to whom?.. To himself. It is easier to be yourself.
The easiest tree to grow straight. It will grow to great heights. Initially, man is born happy, but then he becomes unhappy under the influence of parental pressure. And when this program is disrupted, the person becomes ill until, until he returns to your program.
Those people who are still okay, do not resort, unfortunately, to help. And that is bad — running, they just have nowhere to go. When I tell them their views, they are outraged. One of the views — you have to live for yourself, then you will select the right people; the most important person — the one you're sotrudnichaets. This is consistent with our nature.
What instincts should we meet?
We must satisfy four instincts:
- food,
- defensive
- sexy
- feelings of self-importance.
Nutritive and defensive we meet with those with whom you work. If you want to eat, and nowhere to live, we will not be up to sex. Sexual partner is in a more distant place. The children even further.
A third child needs to be fed with milk, and ten years gone. Said Jesus Christ: "I came to divide father from son, mother from daughter, daughter-in-law". After five years with the child need to cooperate. If you don't ruin the relationship "parent-child" how are you gonna start cooperating?
Here I am now with his son came to him for thirty years. If we had a relationship "father-son", we had nothing to say. We collaborate together. And at the same time I as a father pleased that beside me son. I just show how to save loved ones, children, not to be a burden to them.
You say you need to love yourself. We don't know how to love yourself?
I want to give love a definition, which belongs to the therapist, psychologist Fromm.
"Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love."
Most people say: no one to love. And we raise the question differently: can you love? I often tell students that many people confuse love with sex. Are two different things.
The workshops I tell my students: "I'm active, I'm interested in your development. This is the act of my love for you, although, maybe to you to listen to something unpleasant. But if you don't want to accept my love, what can I do?" Therefore, love can only Mature person that can help someone to develop.
We often confuse attraction with love. I love caviar. From this my love, what will happen to her?.. How can I be sure that woman loves me, if she lives at my expense? And another thing, if she's independent and, nevertheless, with me. Then I believe her. The person is addicted, dependent, in principle, can not love. Well, of course, the basic love is love for who? — to himself.
I do physical activity — it is an act of self-love. Read a book, improve their skills — the act of self-love. The society benefits from it. Man brings benefits to others, if the correct lives for themselves. Now let's see if I got drunk, the night did not sleep, then at this moment I do not love yourself.
And now — why it is necessary to love yourself? If I don't like, I people bad. If I ever loved you, then, as an honest man, I must leave you.Not bad to give to your loved one. Man needs love. He's not mom, dad needs, he needs a mother's love.
One more important point. We must not forget that there is love of truth. We need to understand how the world works, then we will be able to navigate it. One of his books I begin: "If the worm knew how the Apple, he would be alive for a long time. He gnaws the Apple near the stalk, and it (life) begins to deal with it". Knowing how the world works, we can take their place, and then everything will be easy. So we learn to love. Unfortunately, mom may not always love their children.
They love wrong, in my opinion...
This question is wrong. Or you love or not love. Coming to me Mama with a baby and says he loves it, I always ask: "What can he do?" If he can not do anything, so mom didn't love him. She says: "I want to become a great scientist, and do everything for him. Wash, cook". I said, "You don't like him. If he was drafted into the army, it would kill him. He's a CIT, there is not such like. Stop him erased." Mom: "But he's gonna go dirty, I will blame the teacher". I said, "You do not care about the fate of his son, if only you weren't cursed".
We are doing with young girls. I have twenty years of experience and have results. We have already worked out how to talk to baby in stomach how to the baby and so on. And by 7 months they have almost become tidy. Children need to talk on equal terms. As a recommendation — a child need only speak "eye to eye". Only in this case, developing intelligence. Or raise your child in conversation, or sit down. And we have the mother pull the baby, he's down, he can not at this time to think.
Tell us about your club CROSS ( Rostov — on — don)
The Club Decided To Master Stressful Situations. Organized for a very long time. Those of my patients who were discharged, came to study, and then brought the relatives. The club turned out to be people who are not yet ill.
Many people with neurosis started with the Cross, and they have not had time to go to the hospital and take medicine. People come with real problems. The husband is gone — need it back. Began to help in this. It turned out, their husbands back. And the result is, you know, what was? Our student did not take them, they are without them "rose" and the men of steel they do not need.
Then began to seek the help of business people: how to behave with the boss, how to occupy a particular position, as show their dignity?
By the way, in the CROSS come the smart people who are willing to change themselves, and many succeeded. Taking leadership positions, they are in the Cross studied the correct behavior with subordinates. The club is involved in the psychology business, industrial psychology. We even had the experience of the candidate to the campaign.
We now live in fear. Could you give some tips on how to deal with it? Maybe there are techniques by which you can remove the anxiety and fear?
You probably mean "script"? It is a long job. Of course, it all starts with small tips...
The nature of fear, we somehow deciphered. It goes from ideas of grandeur: "I am the man, that with me nothing ever can happen". And you need to say, "me too, anything can happen."
For example, the person offering to perform in front of a large audience. He's afraid of. I ask, "what happen?" It turns out that deep in his unconscious the idea — I'm the kind of person that I should get it right first time. And yet this idea sits in it, he will be afraid.
The second idea — "circle of fools". I told him that there are smart, they will understand you. When this idea is removed, the person goes and does.
And what can I say? Try, try, dear readers. Act, now you may at first not succeed, but we must bear in mind that the failure to 7 times more useful than success, so our brain is arranged. Only when you fail, you will note not on those who are laughing at you, and those you sympathize with. Then failure will be a case of cleaning your social environment and you will immediately become clear who is who.
Well, still, what to do in order to be happy?
The formula of happiness: "I Want, can and must — needs to have the same content." That's all right then. If I want to, but can't, need?.. to learn how to do it.
Only I urge to fulfill their desires psychologically literate way, based on the laws of communication that do not depend on us. They should be open. Legal laws can be written, and these laws of which I speak, it is only necessary to understand and act in accordance with them.
You write: "the more you give advice, the more the enemy will get it." Please explain.
I came up with the following formula: qualification of psychologist inversely proportional to the amount given to councils. A good specialist, the psychologist does not give advice, it helps to make the right decision. I tell you how life works, so they will be something, otherwise they will be something. The laws, exceptions can not be. Now you can choose. My job is to my patient could live without me.
So, if you suggest, say, "thank you", leave and don't go there anymore. It is necessary to make decisions.
Here's another tip, if you will. From the doctor, which ensures a full recovery, walk away. Not all depends on the doctor, much depends on the person. Long known that the body heals itself and the doctor helps. And when we share our achievements, I take 10 % and 90% of it. It works, but I only help.
And one last tip. It is necessary to hope only for own forces. When you start to do something, there will always be people who will help you.published
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: //litvak.me/statyi/article_post/bud-samim-soboy
