I received an order from one publishing house which is going to release shortly after the Beslan tragedy a brochure on how to behave if You were taken hostage, which was supposed to be my article called "How to teach children to behave with the terrorists, when they become hostages?". Reflections I took away from the Beslan tragedy on more General topics. And that's what I did.
I just want to say to you, my dear readers, as in his time spoke Janusz Korczak, who, along with children went to the gas chambers of Nazi concentration camps:
I don't know. I don't know you, I don't know your child. And I don't know how to behave other terrorists, who, God forbid, take you and your child hostage.
Why I decided to write this article?
Because I worked for many years and now working with "hostages". It's unfortunate the people who came against their will as hostages to their parents, bosses, wives, husbands, friends, etc. They could not escape from this seemingly invisible captivity. The result was in trouble, which is called "Neurosis", conflict, crisis, fighting.
So, using our principles, they managed to behave tolerably well, being in "hostage". As a result, parents have ceased to terrorize the chiefs to mock or to stick with sexual claims. Many managed to escape from the tyranny of wives and husbands, children to tame overly zealous educators, teachers and parents, young men to feel good in the army, even if their parts were rampant bullying, the girls to avoid violence, for adults to achieve promotions and much more. But all of them I didn't give the rules, and taught the principles and rules they have developed themselves.
In addition, I participated in the psychological counselling of the mass tragedies that took place in the Rostov region, in particular, after the explosion in Volgodonsk, and for six years the staff service in the Army, anything can happen.
But the most important is the CROSS club (the club decided to master stressful situations). He successfully operating in Rostov-on-don for the past 20 years. Come to the club people caught in a difficult position as a result of conflicts in the family or at work, accidents, death of loved ones. If they did not cease to attend classes, we were able to help them. Visit our classes and children of different ages starting from 3 years. Children learn because of their plasticity, our methods are much faster than their parents.
So I have formed some of the principles.
But before presenting these principles, I want to give specific examples of their use.Hostages kindergarten
Nadia, a girl of 6 years, the mother complains to the teacher that yells at her often unfair. As a result, she doesn't want to go to kindergarten. Every morning she starts with the scandals with mom. The situation that we discussed at one of the trainings. Daughter with the other children that came to us for training, then was absent. I asked mom to teach her daughter some of our techniques. Mother categorically rejected the possibility of such training. I called Nadia and asked her. She confirmed that due to the behavior of teachers and its always a surprise to the girls cry, do not want to go to kindergarten. The financial situation of the mom who raised her daughter alone, did not allow her to hire a nanny or find a daycare with more qualified educators. (Mother has become a hostage of their poverty, and the daughter of a voluntary hostage to kindergarten).
Give our dialogue after I grasped the situation.
I. "Nadia, I want to help you, but I need to know some details. You did not notice what position her hands were when she was shouting".Nadia. "No."I. "How widely opened mouth?"Nadia. "No."Then I asked, can you see were teeth, if she squirted saliva, which she was wearing a dress, shoes what was different from her cosmetics etc none of these issues Nadia could not answer. Further, the dialogue continued as follows".
J. "why you didn't notice anything".Nadia. "I'm scared. I was hurt and scared. She scolded me, she shouted at me and threatened punishment. I bowed my head down and cried."I. "Nadia, try next time she'd be screaming to notice all the details of her behavior (I again repeated their questions, but in the affirmative form) and tell me about it. Then I will tell you how to behave".Two months later the girl came back to us for the training. She successfully answered all questions and told me the teacher more it screams that everything is in order. She described all the details of the behavior of his "terrorist", which she thus cut him down to size.
The theory of this approach. When "terrorist" (parent, boss, teacher, husband, wife, etc.) yells at you, you should look at him straight in the eye, slightly raising the head. Then the "victim" of his posture shows humility and admiration, thus satisfying sense of self-importance terrorist. In addition, encountering such unusual behavior "terrorist" begins to think, i.e. to become humans, that immediately reduce the level of aggressiveness.
Usually, when a Victim is blamed, she looks down. Imagine that in the mind of the "victim" grow horns. Presented! What a feeling can be born in a "terrorist", which is also clearly aware that the "victim" defenseless? Of course, a sense of anger. He begins to mock even more, until you are sure that the victim was "destroyed" in this case mentally. No wonder Christ likened anger to murder and offered his people to submit to the Supreme court.
Of course, the child all the theory will not tell. Direct instruction usually does not pass, for causing unconscious resistance. Here, the principle of a spermatozoon, that is, the desire to do the opposite, which will be discussed below. If I Nadia would give direct instruction to raise his head or look you in the eyes, it is unlikely that she would have done. But I asked her to describe the behavior and the attitude of "terrorist". But to fulfil my instructions, it was tedious to look at the teacher. She had just to lift the head up. And the desire to do the job, focusing on it has led to the fact that she was distracted by the cry of the teacher, which gradually began to fade. So she, without even realizing it, calmed her a "terrorist." But, dear parents, I don't know if you can explain to the child that, if he prepared for this. And I don't know what kind of terrorist are caught him.
That is why, we must first teach the child to think, and then to teach specific forms of behavior, because it is important to not only possess, but also to apply that can give the effect in this situation. Unfortunately, we tackle begin to cook during a storm. And interest in the club people, already caught in a storm.
The suitability of this technique for older children and adults. How!
Here is the algorithm for such behavior with a "terrorist""Hostages" school and production
Teacher (head) shouting and saying, "hostage" (subordinate, student). "Hostage", looking into the eyes of "terrorist" and slightly raising his head, says something like: "you told me such a valuable information, but I, unfortunately, because of his stupidity, as you rightly deigned to notice, almost did not remember. Could you all repeat it to me. I will write and I will try to fix them so you were happy with me." This should get out my notebook and pen and begin to write. Of course, this behavior should be primed.
Let me explain why I have children and subordinates are called hostages, while around them no one is with guns. And where you will get the child from their parents? And teachers know that parents will still send them to school their children. So the connection seems not so resistant, but it is strong enough. "Hostage" knows that in this job he could get an apartment, to defend the thesis, to go on the best trips, to receive benefits, so the production has a good benefits package. And although he may apply and two weeks to quit, this freedom is only apparent.
A small example. I knew a doctor who worked in the clinic of therapeutic profile. The institution was very qualified, and my mentee is very diligent. He acquired a very high qualification which is recognized by medical community. In addition, his output was a thesis. The chief suddenly began to harass and find fault at the slightest provocation. To retire he could not. Lost scientific work, and to settle he was nowhere. On merit he hold the position of chief physician, he did not like. As Deputy he did not need the head doctor because of his qualifications. As head of Department he did not need the Deputy the head physician by medical part. As a resident he did not need the head office. And, really, who needs a strong competitor. And, besides, his conflict and lack of humility is also not helped him in another place. The above-described methods and mastering the entire technique of psychological Aikido helped him to establish a relationship with the chief and, therefore, to defend the thesis. He soon got promoted. But he was not satisfied. He realized that he needed to get out from under the dependence of your boss and place of work. He developed its expertise was in fact indispensable. And soon the head depended on it. He became quiet and tame, but all requests were satisfied. And when he decided to quit and arrange his business he has created the appropriate conditions. Still working at the same place.
Often the chiefs, taking advantage of his official position to impose sexual demands to his subordinates that they are in "hostage. Describe how the managed to the young woman to get rid of sexual harassment. Post here your conversations
Hello, dear Mikhail Yefimovich!
I am in a very difficult situation. The fact that my head (enough to be my father) suddenly began to show me clearly sexual interest — there's a problem in the team, and he's looking for like-minded people, however, in my opinion, the method is quite strange. I understand that to work with him now will not be able to start looking for a new job, and it will take some time. Tell me, how to deal with him until then, until I found a new job. To leave immediately I can not afford, and he's decisive action is not taken, but causes several times to his office and insisted that I accompany him on a business trip for a few days. The situation is terrible because some time ago I lived with his son in wedlock and treated the chief with respect and reverence. Understand that the agreement does not, and need to cheat, but I'm just in a stupor. Please help!
With respect, Irina
I offered her a choice of the following options. Publish your letter without feathers. (Hello, goodbye)
Before the trip make it clear to him that sex is not. "I will neither explain nor justify, but not having sex". And to go with him on a business trip. To the question "Why?" I don't know why. The rest is all worse – get tested for AIDS, gynecological disease, etc.
There is another option in such cases. But it is more difficult to perform "Dear N. N., I respect you very much, but don't love. From my point of view, given without love, that's prostitution. But the corruption — if not given, if you like. If I do not respect, maybe I'd you and would use you then for personal gain. And because I respect you, the intimacy with me, not loving you, would be offensive to you. I don't want to offend you. Let's wait until that time when I will or respect for you, or until when I'll love you." This is not to say, and to write.
My student has used the last option. Sexual harassment yet. But she now has made the program exit out of dependency."Hostages" streets
Another example, which illustrates how the psychological training allows you to avoid rape.
A young woman who were in our training, arrived early in the morning to another city. It was still dark. The house was near the train station, and she decided to walk. Suddenly she noticed that it pursues a man. She quickened her pace. He, too. Her suspicions were justified. Then she stopped and waited for his approach. HE immediately showed his aggressive intentions and desire to rape her. She said she doesn't mind, she had not seen in my life such an interesting man and I have long wanted to spend a night with a Caucasian man. Only among them you can meet a real man. Only she would remove the pantyhose itself, so they are not torn. Dumbfounded he looked at her and suddenly noticed that the erection had fallen. She took care of him. "You're a real man. You will do it. Let's meet in the evening, and then on all night." Out she of course did not. All ended well.
My ward used the technique of purposeful modeling emotions and caused him surprise at his unusual behavior. When a person is surprised, he begins to think, and the thinking process automatically knocks your sex drive.And now a few words about addiction.
It is, from my point of view the worst thing that exists in this life. I want to distinguish between the need for addiction, although outwardly they may be the manifestations are very similar. From food, water, clothing and shelter we depend on. Is our need. We also have a need to communicate. And needs should strive to meet, and not to abandon them. We also have a need for self-improvement and development of all their abilities. And dependence should include such phenomena, without which you can live. Here there is some dependence on drugs, alcohol, cards, etc., the Need for drugs, alcohol, cards, etc. are not included in the rank of vital. Therefore, if it arises, we call it addiction. And from this need to get rid of.
But the worst addiction is dependence on a particular person — parent, husband, wife, boss. It makes a person "hostage". Addiction is physical and psychological. The worst addiction is the addiction of the material. And we are all "hostages" recommend not to refuse the help of their "terrorists, and to use this assistance to independence. Children should acquire a good profession, subordinates – to acquire the ability to make their business dependent spouse or the other method should get rid of this addiction. By the way, family life is only getting better."Hostages" bullying
I will describe to you very briefly the story of one of my student who was in the Army, being a third-year student. I want to say that with him we were engaged for five years. Even when he was a schoolboy. He knew that could get into the Army, and in addition to intensive training yourself to life, he prepared himself for the Army.
Now, drafted into the Army, he already knew how to work in metal, to build, could do brick walls and beautifully printed on a typewriter, owned a computer and knew well the school subjects. In addition, he was able to not stick out unnecessarily. He came to the construction group. Now this kind of troops say no. The ability to print rescued him when he was in the training squad. He made lists of new arrivals.
When he got to the common barracks, he was approached by a Blotter (that's what I call the chain of dogs leader) and told him to fill his bed and cleaned shoes. My student immediately agreed and offered him, moreover, to wash away his genitals and ass wipe. Immediately everyone laughed. Then he invited the leader of the "grandfathers", I could ask him. In General, it has not been touched, and which is also very important, and he's not bothering anyone. In the evening, he and grandparents actually spent educational work. Talked about the ancient Greeks about how eclipses occur, and about the structure of the internal, etc. It helped that he learned the material to such an extent that he owns them. Moreover, he was amazed at how hungry for knowledge "grandfathers". And many of them were former criminals. When he got to the construction site, all the soldiers to begin with, was ancillary workers and dragged the buckets with cement mortar. Work was in full swing. Masons asked who wants to try to put the brickwork. He volunteered, but he did not confess, that put masonry before. Perfection in this he achieved. But he knew psychology and he knew that if he will say that he did these works, the masons will assume that he puts the bricks as skilled as they are. And so they believed that he was a rookie. They found he had a talent Mason. The more he solution was not. Soon he was placed in the office staff."Hostages" in the family
The phenomenon is quite common. Farmers are well aware that tomato to grow tomato and cucumber – a cucumber. If you call a spade a spade, it's murder. But when it comes to raising children, parents try to do just this. People with this education begins to live someone else's life. And his life lived in fits and starts. Girl – artist in nature. With 5 years on the scene. The mother forces her to go to a technical College to obtain "hands-on" specialty. He not only learns how many participated in Amateur art activities. From it and the engineer would not have happened, and the artist too. She really marries. The husband became a major administrator. But he forbade her to participate in Amateur art activities. She began to make a "scene". When she was 32, her husband died. She was left alone with a six year old child and basically was sick and grieved. When she was 47 years old, she came to see me. I advised her again to begin to engage in Amateur art activities. After 2 months it was already hard to find. In the end, she graduated from the psychology Department. Now engaged in the therapy (treatment with art), earns a good idea.
Olya, a girl 15 years old high school senior dreams of becoming a fashion designer. Mother insists that she went to medical school. Grief and tears. In the process of working with her, I explained her high purpose and high achievement level, that is, to achieve a level of such designers as rabbits, dashkin. To do this, it would be nice to know the anatomy. A sew can their fellow students. And the extra specialty not hurt. And psychology of communication will come in handy when out on a global level. She enrolled in medical school. They became interested in the therapy. By the end of the Institute she was already almost finished thesis.
These principles I will outline and give specific examples of their use by adults and children.
I think my players will better meet the danger, or, at least, if not saved, will behave with more dignity.
The motto of our club: If you came home from work and saw your house together with your loved ones fell into the abyss, it is not a reason to panic.
In conclusion, once again I want to appeal to parents: "don't "kill" their children, not force them to do what they don't like. Do not grow tomato cucumber. Still won't work. And tomato will not work, and the cucumber is bad! Those who are in chronic inexpressive grief, and come to me for help, are not those taught in the Institute. Harm both them and the state. Big waste of effort, time and money.How to comfort a man when he had suffered irretrievable loss.
Unfortunately, life is so arranged that one loses loved ones: husband, wife, children, parents. It has always been, and always will be. Only during terrorist acts, large scale casualties. This is bad, but on the other hand at this moment is that at least to a grieving attention. And everyone needs to master the psychological techniques of self-help and mutual aid. After all, teach us how to make a bandage to stop the bleeding, immobilize the arm while the fracture. That's in trouble we need to help the person correctly. First of all, I want to say, what not to do. You should not be comforted by words like "pull yourself together", "Time heals", "Be a man". On the contrary, we need to help the person to Express his grief in tears and admire his courage.
Here is a conversation with a woman 45 years old, who drowned son 21 years old. Before that she went nearly a year interest in the club CROSS. 2 days after the death of her son, she came to the class and violated his ritual, he wrote me a note, asked me to help her to move on. Here's how flowed our conversation, which went with the whole group. To the believers such a conversation would be easier. My ward was a believer.
Ya you had a good relationship with his son.It. Yes (always answer, even if it was bad)Ya And if you died first?It. Oh, he would suffer greatly.I. And you from the world I'd love to see your tears and suffering?It. Of course not!Ya That and he's probably not very nice to see your tears. Time he loved you very much, that it prevents him to get there, in that light. Of course, he would hate to see you happy but also crying too. In General, the eyes do not have to run, but should not be dry. BUT you're good. Behave very horoshova. Where is good!I don't know how I would have behaved in this situation. In lower mount I did not give loved ones peace. No, good for you! I admire you! Now let's think what to do. YOU seem to have not defended the thesis. (Ward was a research fellow at the Museum). Let's now take a closer look at the science.The conversation began to take practical nature. We agreed that we will hold a number of classes at the Museum, where a collection of a great work. Then came the arguments about the immortality of the spirit. And once you are calm, you will find that with the spirit of the son and can communicate. Find out how he did in such cases. So, incidentally, do many. We consult with your deceased loved ones. "Here is my father acted in such cases in that manner." You can get good advice.
I must say that the faster children forget their parents, especially if there will be people he will be able to give what was given to him by his father and mother. And the idea is to show her dead or dead parents, their resilience in children produces a good impression. They kind of ease up.
My experience in these situations shows that the main psychological work needs to go in a time of disaster. At this point, the victims surrounded by a great attention of the different persons Participating in liquidation of consequences, some of them even feel heroic. In addition, all stick together. And the world, and death is red. The heavy many starts after two or three weeks after the disaster. They often remain alone with their grief, and many of them and even those that helped in acute phase, dismissive. Even those who are not very much affected. Then basically need this job. But it is very laborious. Yes, and political capital this does not work. Television at this moment gone, and no one notices what a good. But I should write a good tutorial. At the time, I wrote a book called "How to deal with severe grief. Apparently, you need to prepare a new edition.But God helps those who help themselves
I now want to quote the words of some sages of the past who will be able to help you when you are left alone with their grief. Maybe it will help.
Let at the death of the other "no benefit will bring joy to the possessor, if he's in the shower, not willing to lose, and just painful to lose something about what it is impossible to regret, losing" That Seneca spoke of death. He called to enjoy life. And for this we should not fear death.
The third category of values relates to the factors that limit human life. Is the value of the relationship. Because really significant is the relationship of man to his fate befell him. The way he carries the cross, the courage he manifests in suffering, dignity, which he expresses when he is sentenced, and doomed, is a measure of how he was held as a man. By the way, is for people in the disease, also shows that he is.
Frankl comes to the conclusion that human life is inherently can never be meaningless. And until consciousness left man, he is constantly obliged to implement the values until the last moment of his existence. And let the ability to do it a little, the value of the relationship remains for him is always available.
Frankl gave an example. The dying patient was paralyzed and deprived of the opportunity to act, but he had read and enjoyed music. And when he and it became unavailable, he comforted patients. In the day of his death, which he found out, overhearing the conversation of the doctors, he told the nurse to give an injection in the evening so as not to disturb her in the night.
And I was told Frankl that in the crucible of suffering is the origin of personality. And that a person's worth is determined by how tolerate suffering, and what makes for himself.
Finally, I want to give an example of true courage. This letter to the man who anything I have not asked
Hello Michael!Your address gave me a good friend of mine from Moscow, Polina.I know You write a lot, and all are asked to help, but I don't know how to help me... I am disabled. I have cerebral palsy, I do not go, do not speak, impaired coordination of movements, startled by unexpected sounds, I can't take care of themselves, work on the keyboard device on the head... About me you can read on my website Yes, I forgot to introduce myself: my name is Vyacheslav Kolesov, you can just Slavev. :) I'm 22 years old.I flinch because my childhood up to 8 years beat dad, forcing him to learn to walk. We moved him to another apartment, I lived with my mom for about a year separately, and then came back, but dad already beats me...But this is not important, what I wanted to tell You... the fact that I'm 22, and I still have never slept with a woman, or quite frankly — don't have sex. And I want female affection, sexual affection, but when I told my mom, she said, cut off as it's not for me that I can't have sex, because there is a need to constantly move, and I'm like... well, she humiliated me...Michael, well, what if I can't? Well, let the woman I do everything, all bases, will you suck me off and everything... my Mother, when lived apart from the Pope, and drove the men and... And when I "wanted" my mother said: No!!! It's not necessary!!! Well, here's how to understand it, Michael? My friend advised me to look for people who can understand me, and I began to search and found the girl of 25 years, she wants to come meet me, I live in Novocherkassk, Rostov region, and it is in... also Millerovo Rostov oblast. When I told my mom that I want to bring a girlfriend, mom yelled, "I don't need in a house energy stranger, strangers, I don't want to me on the street pointed their fingers and laughed, saying that this son is handicapped!" Own mother be ashamed of me...Michael, my advice: Do yourself ICQ, and communication will be faster.What was I supposed to say to him. I just admired him, his courage, his perseverance, and his kindness, and his openness to the world. It can be called a successful man. He developed all his abilities. He really is worthy of sex. I repeat, he developed as far as possible their abilities. Now it is possible and about sex to think. And how disgusting to hear the arguments of high school students and young people who have not yet taken place as people who are not yet experts, have not yet learned to make, and already whining about a failed "love". Yes, what is it in this category of people can be love, when they need something from your partner? Because they have neither the desire nor the ability to give something. Many argue that no one to love. So I want to ask, can you love. Because love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. Remember the last line of the letter Slavik to me: "Michael, my advice to You: Do yourself ICQ, and communication will be faster." Look, he expressed this advice his love for me. And I love took. I put ICQ. Communication really went faster.
But still how to children when they meet terrorists. Yes, you can't teach them if they have not received the appropriate education. The child needs someone to believe in. BUT years from five to eight child knows that parents and teachers can not be trusted. Parents and caregivers can't meet his needs, so he bite the bait. Parents are often unable to be an example for the child. He does not want to repeat their fate. Very caring parents look in the eyes of their children, fools, for I turned myself in cooks, cleaners and plumbers for their children. Yes, and give them the best. I urge parents to succeed. Then you'll be for the children sample. And they never will trust strangers. They will not be needed.
If our children got a real education, then it is possible that they could negotiate with terrorists. Because the terrorist are not born terrorist. He is. I urge you by the mercy of the terrorists. But to cope with the phenomenon, you need to know his weaknesses.
How to deal with the child when he will meet with terrorist? And I want to end with where I began. I don't know. I don't know you, I don't know your child. And I don't know how to behave other terrorists, who, God forbid, take you and your child hostage.
But I do know one thing. We of the child must educate the thinking man. Thinking will be able to find a way out.published
Author: Michael Litvak
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! © Join us at Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki