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Alfrid Langle: Symmetry of Values
On March 9, 2017, the famous Austrian psychotherapist Alfried Langle gave a lecture at the Moscow Social and Pedagogical Institute on the topic: What makes our life valuable? The value of values, feelings and relationships in fostering love of life.”
“The topic we are going to talk about today is not only important for one’s own life, it is also important for those who teach, for those who work with children, because it is very important to teach children the love of life or to strengthen them in it. But unfortunately, children sometimes perceive being in school or kindergarten as something that takes away from them the joy of life.
Sometimes children leave school broken. Children should learn to take an interest in this life. They should be able to let themselves be touched by what is beautiful and interesting in this life, so that they live their life with interest. So today's theme is: What makes life valuable?
We are talking about our relationship with life. But this question is subjective and cannot be answered by a teacher. Everyone has to answer this question, because everyone is in this life with this question. I’m here, I’m here, but how do I feel? Only I can feel it. And everyone feels it. How is it personal for me to live here, in this place, in this family, with this body, with these personal traits that I have? Do I feel like I'm alive? Every day, every hour, I relive my life.. It's happening now. And now it is life. And more than that, this moment here, this now, this is my life. I have no other life than the one that is happening now.
In general, each of us wants a good life for ourselves. We want to be happy in this life. What is happiness? There are very different ideas about this. If a person suffers from the dissatisfaction of some needs, then happiness is when these needs are satisfied. If he suffers from insomnia, he is happy when he can sleep safely, and if he suffers from asthma, when he can breathe freely. But if there is no suffering due to the unsatisfaction of some needs, it is difficult to understand what happiness is. What's the point of reference? It's important to feel. Without feelings, we cannot be happy.So it is very important to talk about what it is to feel.
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The topic of happiness is not the topic of today’s meeting, so a small answer to the question of what we might understand by happiness. Happiness is if I agree with myself, if I have inner harmony with what I do, if I live with inner harmony. If in relation to many things I do, I have a feeling of "yes, I live," "yes, that fits me," "yes, that's right." To be in this relationship, to study this specialty, in my free time to meet with friends — not because I have to, but because it is valuable to me. So it's very important that we talk about values and relationships tonight.
Happiness is if I live in such a way that what I do fills me. When I'm at peace with myself. We want to be happy, but the basis for this is a good life. Having a good life is a modest formulation. A good life may not be exactly happiness, it is a prerequisite for happiness. The good life is like a bed to sleep, if I sleep in a good comfortable bed, then I can sleep better, then sleep is happiness. To see that life is good is a necessary prerequisite for a fulfilled, full life.
The question of the good life is a philosophical question. Long before the advent of psychology, philosophers dealt with this question. We can call this the basic question of philosophy: what is it necessary for life to be good? 2500 years ago, Plato believed that the highest good is not just life itself, but the good life. You can live and wait with the hope that you will die, for example, if a person is seriously ill, if he has severe pain. Just staying in life is not good in this case. The goal is only a good life.And for Plato, the good life belongs to the man who is noble and does justice. Plato, as we know, was an idealist.
Another ancient Greek philosopher Democritus was a realist, and for him a good life is a eutumia (from the Greek - good mood, contentment, joy). If I have good feelings, my life is good.
Aristotle, who was also a realist, but was closer to Plato, suggested that the good life is eudaimonia (from the Greek ev - good, daimonium - living spirit).That is, if you live with a good spirit, strive for something good, want to do something good, if you see the meaning, then life is good.
I would like to mention two other philosophers in my introduction. The Roman philosopher Seneca says that the highest good in life – and he says it in a very psychological way – is that of the world. harmony of the soul with itself. Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher on the Roman throne, also viewed the good life as autarky very psychologically. That is, if I have enough of myself, if I am on such good terms with myself, if I am good with myself, then this is a good life. This is similar to Seneca’s statement – the harmony of the soul with itself.
While the Greeks were abstract, the Romans were psychological and practical. Later, the good life in the history of philosophy was associated with ethical behavior, especially if we recall Immanuel Kant. He saw it in morality, whereas in Christianity it was connected with faith.
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I made this introduction so that we could realize that tonight's theme is the theme of human history. We are all born and all face the same task of shaping our lives.This life is entrusted to us. We have a responsibility. The question is always: What will I do with my life? Will I go to a lecture, will I spend the evening in front of the TV, will I meet with friends? We shape our lives. It is up to us whether our lives are good or not. Life only works if we love it. We need a positive relationship with life or we will lose our lives.
But how can I love life? What can I do about it? How can I grow, how can I strengthen this love? How can we teach this to children so they can do it better?
Let's approach it from that perspective. Let’s ask ourselves: What makes my life good? Now. Tonight. Do I have a good life? Perhaps we too rarely asked ourselves this direct question: the life I have is good? Could I say, yes, I have a good life? Many people might say, “Yes, my life is not bad.” But it could have been better. If I had a million dollars, it would be better. If only my friend or girlfriend loved me.
Yeah, there's a lot of truth to that. The life we live will never be perfect. We will always present something better. But will it really get better if I have a million dollars? In our view, we may think so. But really, what would that change? Yes, I could have traveled more, but nothing would have changed with me. I could buy better clothes, but would my relationship with my parents improve? And we need these relationships, they shape us, they influence us. Without a good relationship, we will not have a good life.
There are so many things we can buy, but there are also many things we can’t buy. For example, we can buy a bed, but not sleep. We can buy sex, but not love. Everything that is important in life cannot be bought.
Do I have a good life? I can imagine a better life. But if you look at what I already have, does it have value? Or do I feel that something important is missing? The Austrian poet Stefan Zweig once said, “Many people are happy, but few know it.” Maybe I'm happier than I know.
I've had that experience. We have small children, we need to work hard, and the children have a fever, they do not leave us alone, it is all very difficult. Sometimes we want to send children to the moon. Something goes wrong with your partner. Maybe we understand each other well, but something in our relationship drives me crazy over and over again. And if you look at it twenty years later and look at the pictures, you get such a warm feeling and say, "What a happy time it was!" This is what happiness looks like. That is, when we are happy, if we have a good life, there are also sufferings, limitations, problems. If I wait until I have no problems, I will never have a good life. There are always problems in the good life – we have to be realistic. But it is by dealing with these problems that I can live in such a way that I have inner harmony.
What do I lack for a good life? Ask yourself, was today a good day? What has added value to today? If I met my girlfriend today, if I had a nice conversation with someone, if it’s my birthday and I celebrated it well, then we’ll say, yes, it was a good day. If something special happened. But special is provided for a small number of days, and most days are ordinary.
Can life be good on a normal day? It is a matter of sensitivity, of attentiveness. I took a warm shower this morning. Isn't it nice to be able to take a shower, feel the stream of warm water? I had coffee for breakfast. I didn’t have to suffer from hunger all day. I can walk, I can breathe, I'm healthy enough. There are so many things that make my life worthwhile. And actually, we realize that when we don't have them.
A friend of mine, who lives in Kenya for six months, told me that he learned the value of a warm shower there. He spent a lot of time in the countryside, for many days there was no opportunity to shower - and before that he did it daily. If we don’t do something, there is a contrast. We feel the value of everyday things better. But right now we can, to some extent, turn to these things, treat them more carefully. To linger for a moment and say to yourself, I’m going to the shower, I’m doing this. And when I take a shower, pay attention to how I feel. How do I feel when I drink coffee?
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It gives us a general idea of how we can come to a good life. All of these things I've listed we call values. Everything is valuable that is good for me. Or what's good for someone else. And more generally, values are those contents, or those things that enhance life, that contribute to life. If I experience something as a value, then it is easier for me to say yes to life.
During the meeting, I can talk to my friend about what I was going through yesterday. He listens and says what he thinks about it. It's a value. It makes my life a little better. I can drink a glass of water, it makes my life better. Same value, little value. And if a person is thirsty or dies of thirst, then this value becomes enormous.
I'm going through a relationship with my partner. The fact that the partner is, that I love him, and he loves me. Same value. Values can be both small things and the greatest. For religious people, the greatest value is God. Value is what makes me want to say yes to life. It strengthens my fundamental relationship with life. Because the fundamental value of all values is the value of life itself. At the end of my talk, I will return to that thought.
To sum up. What is good or useful to me is value. Instead of value, we can use the word good. As good we perceive what is good, what contributes to life. Values are a kind of spiritual food. Values strengthen us. Therefore, we must pay attention to the fact that every day in our lives we experience as many values as possible. And in everything we do, look at whether there is value in it. What is it that feeds our lives? Perhaps this report is valuable if it helps to clarify our attitude to life, to deepen it.
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We need values not only as food for our lives, but also in order to be ready for some action. Every action follows a value. Every action is a decision. If I act, I say, I want to do it. For example, coming here is an action. Call my mom. I do it because I want to do it. It's called action. Do what I want to do. But I can't want to if I don't see value.
What's the value of calling your mom? Make her happy. Or I want to know how she's doing. I can also call my mom because she expects me to, and I feel some pressure. Maybe even I feel a bit scared if I can’t call her. I'm afraid our relationship will be ruined because of this. Then I'm calling, too. But what, then, is the value? Then I won't be happy to hear her voice and see how she feels. Or she won't be happy to have that call. If I call under this pressure, then I'll just do some formal duty. And the value that's in it is that I'll have less fear, less tension, but it's not enough.
So we see what can be of value to us, and we can take that away as value if there is some pressure. If I act, I want something, it means that I have value before my eyes. But the value can be very small and not really in a relationship with what I do. Calling my mom to reduce my fear or tension is not a real value. I'm doing it kind of involuntary. Of course, I may not, but the consequences are such that they will be of even less value than if I did.
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We experience values based on these two foundations. To experience that my life is fueled by something is strengthened by something. So it is good if we give ourselves pleasant experiences and events. Or when we do things that we enjoy doing, things that interest us when we feel good. Thanks to this, our life becomes full, filled with values. And we need values to be able to act. Acting means doing something, wanting it and making decisions in favor of it.
Values always have a big share for me. Even if I give someone 10 euros, it is only valuable if I am happy, if I feel that 10 euros can help a colleague, a beggar. They will have more value in their hands than if I have them. And then I can be glad I made this gift. So if something has to be valuable, it has to be good for me, too. If something is good only for someone else and not for me, then it is not an existential value.
Many people do something for another, give up something, sacrifice themselves: for children, for a friend, for parents, for a partner.. It is not good to cook food or have sex for a partner (well, once may be good, but if it happens again, it is a loss). It has to be good for me too, otherwise there is a loss of value. There won’t be a long way to go if you give something every time. I also need a good life in the presence of children and parents. This is not selfishness; it is a symmetry of values. Something can't be good for you unless it's good for me at the same time.
Parents are sacrificing their lives for their children: giving up vacations to build a home so the children can travel. And if their actions were not good for their parents, what would happen? Then they will reproach the children: “We have done everything for you, and now you are so ungrateful.” So now they say, Pay the bill. Be grateful and do something for me.” But if there is pressure, the value is lost. Parents are blackmailing their children. Children of such parents are often not grateful. Why not? Because they would also be more willing to have parents who pay attention to having a good life.
I don’t want parents who don’t have a good life because of me. And the kids are right if they're ungrateful - because the parents made a mistake. They beat themselves. They didn't live through that necessary symmetry of values that suggests that something, my dear child, can only be good for you if it's just as good for me. If I'm happy that I can give up something, I can do something for you. Then it gives me something as a parent. Then I feel the value of my own action. But if I don't have that feeling, then I'm devastated, and then there's a need for gratitude. Parents begin to feel that they are missing something and want it from their children.
But if I feel the value of what I do, if it's good for me, then I don't need gratitude. Of course, I will be glad if I am thanked, but I already received the award when I did. This should not be confused with selfishness. Selfishness is acting without paying attention to anyone else. I want to do it now, for example, I want to cook sausages tonight, although no one in my family wants to eat them today, but everyone will eventually have to eat sausages. That is, I behave selfishly if I do not take into account the desires of others and have before my eyes only my own needs, if I act as if at the expense of others.
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The experience of value nourishes me, gives me a sense of fullness, enriches my feelings, strengthens my relationship with life and at the same time it is the basis for my relationship with life.And one more thought on the subject: on the experience level, we feel that values are like magnets. I'm drawn there. I want to go there, I want to read this book, I want to eat this cake, I want to see my friends. Values attract us. Ask yourself: What is it that attracts me right now? Where am I now? Where am I experiencing this magnetic force now? It's something that I like, that I love, that interests me. If I have been separated from someone or something for a long time, then there is some sadness. I haven’t been to a concert or fitness in a long time. What attracts me, where does it take me?
Second, when we experience value, we also want to stay close to it. We want a repeat over time. If this is a value for us, we willingly go again and again to the fitness club, meet with a dear friend, stay in a relationship. If a relationship is valued, I want that relationship to have a future. If we experience something as a value, then naturally there is a desire for it to continue, for there to be a future, a perspective.
And the third point is the experience of values. In addition to the feeling of attraction and the desire to continue in time, we also have a desire to be intimately close to this value, to let this value touch us. If it's beautiful music, we want to absorb it. If it is good food, we want to try it. We want to hug and kiss our friends to experience intimacy. We want to be filled internally with what we experience as value.
We can also take care of values. A holiday is about courting value. For example, when we celebrate a birthday: what is the value in this – that you were born on this day! When we celebrate a successful exam, we celebrate success and life goes on. We only celebrate values.
And we care about values when we enjoy them. Pleasure is an exercise in deepening value. There is so much we can enjoy: the soft air of the coming spring, delicious food, conversation, of course, art. Or just the presence of another person. How does pleasure happen? We need feelings for that.
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Now I want to talk about feelings and how to feel. What are feelings? It's a personal way of experiencing. I can't give my feelings to someone else. My feelings are mine and cannot be shared. I can tell someone how happy I am. And I hope that my story will make others feel the same way as I do. And that he would be happy, too. But still, feelings are permeated by subjectivity. They are influenced by previous experience. The other will say, Yes, I am happy too, but at the same time, when I listen to your story, I have a feeling of fear. “You were lucky this time! But I feel very insecure listening to you. Because he feels something completely different from his previous experience.
How do feelings arise? Feelings arise when I approach an object, a content, and allow myself to be touched through proximity. In the literal sense of the word, internal contact is needed. And through this touch and contact, a force is mobilized in me, and what results is a feeling.
Where does this power come from? What does an object or thought affect? Where is the screen on which this information falls? This is my life. My feelings resonate with my life force. In feeling, my life moves.
Some people think that feelings are secondary. More important than facts, information, something rational, reasonable. "Forget about feelings, they only get in the way," they say. “Only women care about feelings” (in fact, it’s just women with better feelings). Thus, feelings are devalued, and those who devalue feelings often devalue women. And he often has a poor life.
If we make a phenomenological analysis of the senses, it becomes obvious to us what the senses are about. It's where my life moves. Feelings are not secondary, they are the most important thing in life. If I have feelings, it means I'm affected by something. My life force was moved by something. If I listen to the music of Tchaikovsky or Mozart, it touches me. If I look at my baby's face, see those big eyes, it touches me. I can't even really explain it. There is something going on between music and my life.
Or I look into a person’s eyes and suddenly find myself in love. But of course, love is a very intense form. In my life, something gets mixed up, is born. What would life be like if this never happened to me? If I had never met a man who came straight into my heart? It would be a poor life, a life without love, without being touched in the heart, a cold and businesslike life. And to have feelings means that my life, through contact with someone or something, is set in motion. When we are in love, we feel alive. Then my life boils, my life boils. It's not a weakness. It’s also not something we can specifically “do” — it’s something that happens to us. It's a gift. This encounter, this touch, gives me something more for my life.
We can do something about it, we are not only “devoted” to it. What can we do to increase this internal movement? Turn around and get close to it. If we turn away, the resonance will be weaker, but if we turn around and address it, something very important will happen: by doing so, we prepare ourselves for resonance. Therefore, turning is something that strengthens feelings. When we listen to music, we often close our eyes to immerse ourselves in it. We want this music to sound in us, so that it moves in us, so that it touches our heart, renews our lives. We can do that.
But if I fall in love but don't want to fall in love, it's better if we don't see each other anymore, because every time we meet, the feelings get stronger. When I encounter something that makes me feel negative, it tends to intensify and affect me more strongly.
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Now we can connect values and feelings. Values and feelings are somehow related to each other. What moves and moves me, we call value. Now, based on our understanding of feelings, we have an expanded definition of value. Values and feelings are connected. What triggers my feelings are values. If something evokes positive feelings, it is a positive value, and if I experience suffering, anger, it is an unworthiness.
And vice versa. I can only find values that are meaningful in the existential aspect through my feelings. If it’s just in my head, it’s probably an abstract value. She won't come into my life.
For example, a lot of experience has been gained on the topic of quitting smoking. How can a person be forced to quit smoking? After all, everyone knows that it is harmful to health. People are informed about this, provided with statistics and drawn the consequences in the form of diseases of various organs. And every smoker knows that smoking is harmful to health, as it affects the heart, lungs, blood vessels, but still smokes further. I know that smoking is bad for my health, but I still smoke. Education on this issue led to a reduction in smokers by only 1-2 percent. What are they doing today? Cigarette packages are marked in large letters: “Smoking kills.” That is, very strong messages are used to get to the feeling. It is assumed that if this affects the value of life, then a person will stand up for it.
This is a big topic of motivation research. Only if I feel valued does it matter to my life, in the sense that I make it the basis for my actions. In other words, feelings are important because they reveal the significance of something in your life. Feelings are not by-products, thoughts and experiences. They shape our complex perception. With our eyes we perceive light, and with our senses we perceive the meaning this thing has for my life. Through our senses, we perceive the significance of life.
How do we come to feel? Again, through being in a relationship, through contact. I can increase my feelings by turning to something if I look at how that contact affects me. If I take a sip of coffee, it's contact. And now I'm giving this sip of coffee to me. I look at how I feel when I have a cup of coffee in my mouth. How does that affect me? "Oh, good taste, nice aroma!" I swallow, I feel the coffee moving further down the esophagus - and then I have an impression. I'm enjoying coffee. What am I doing? I’m in touch and I’m open to it. And I ask myself, how does my life feel when I drink coffee? If this coffee feels like a value, then I worry that I like life a little more. If life is like that, then I like it. It's only a few seconds, but through this appeal to value, we can do more than make our lives better. The experience of value in principle always happens in this way. To enjoy is to turn to something within and let it affect you.
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We also need to distinguish between two feelings—feelings that come from within and feelings that come from outside. We distinguish them. The feeling of joy is a feeling that comes from within: I have experienced something, and the answer arises in me. We call it emotion. This concept comes from Latin and means that the fact that I, for example, passed the exam, causes in me an inner movement that corresponds to me, which stems from my essence. Which moves out of me.
And there are those feelings that are stimulated by some external stimulus. They're like a stimulus reflex. We call them affections. Anger, anger, rage, erotic feeling are passions, they depend on stimuli. They don't match my identity. If I prick with a needle, then the resulting feeling of pain is affect. And the deeper this injection, the deeper this affect. We can talk a lot about feelings, but for now we will dwell on the fact that there are feelings that come from the heart, and feelings that are caused by stimuli.
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And a few words about relationships. Relationships are very important for a good life. When people who are living the last weeks of their lives, who are preparing to die, are asked, “What was the most important thing in your life?” the first answer is, “The love I have lived.”. Indeed, it seems to be something very fundamental to a good life.
Relationships are not an easy subject. We cannot prevent a relationship, avoid a relationship. As soon as I see someone, it's a relationship. But regardless of this automatic basis of a relationship, the deciding factor in a relationship is whether or not I want to establish that relationship. To establish a relationship means to enter into a relationship, to address it. I want to be with this person, with my partner. Because it's good. Because I feel connected to him.
Establishing a relationship means “wanting to have intimacy” so that the other person can feel. I don't just want to hear or see. If I get into a relationship, I want to be touched by others. If I get into a relationship, I make myself available to someone else. If I get into a relationship, I put a bridge to another person. So that through this bridge you can come to me and I can come to you. If I'm in a relationship, I already have that feeling, an assumption of the value you represent. Life happens in a relationship, otherwise it doesn’t exist. Relationships with other people come first. One should never compromise one’s relationships, because there is a fundamental value to it that I can lose if I’m inattentive with people. And not only with people, but also with animals, with plants, with things, with theories. With what we learn, what we learn. It is important to establish emotional contact in these relationships.
It is very important to have a relationship with yourself to establish intimacy with yourself. So that I feel again and again throughout the day, over and over again, asking myself the question: how do I feel now? how do I feel? how do I do when I listen to this talk? how do I feel when I am with you? how do I feel? how do I feel when I study? If I don't establish a relationship with myself, I'll bypass myself, then I'll partly lose myself. I can become a stranger if I do not establish this relationship. And a relationship with you can only be good if I have a good relationship with myself. If I feel good about myself in your presence, if I feel good about myself, then I have a good relationship with you. But here it is important that I can feel.
And finally, a relationship with life. How does it feel to me that I live at all? We asked this question at the beginning of our meeting. And we can try to answer it again. I live, which means I grow, I mature, I have experiences, I have feelings—beautiful, painful, I have thoughts, I am busy during the day, I have a need to provide for my life. I've lived for a number of years. How is it for me - in the depths - that I have lived? Do I feel like this is something good? Do I feel that it is good that I can live? Do I like living? What kind of movement does this make in me?
If I let myself be touched by the life that I have lived, is there anything good in my life? Or is it hard, if there is a torment and a lot of pain? Maybe that's the case at times. But in the end, I’m happy that I can live. That I can give my consent, that I can say yes to that fact, that I live. Because I feel that this life touches me, there is some resonance, some movement, I am glad, I love it. It's not perfect, but it's still good. Because the coffee is delicious, the shower is pleasant, and I have meetings, I know people that I love and who love me.
If I have too little of that, maybe I'll have a feeling she's not very good. Maybe life hurt me a lot and I don’t like living. This is how a depressed person feels. In depression, we worry that there are few values in life. In depression, people don’t really want to live.
But many people are in a neutral field: I don’t even know if I like living. As long as I’m young, handsome, rich and healthy, OK, I agree. And if it's different, I don't know. And here it is important to come to this touch at depth. No one can do it for me because it relates to my intimacy. The fact that I let my life affect me, open up and look at what emotions arise is what we call the fundamental value to which all other values relate. Everything we experience as valuable nourishes this fundamental value. Conversely, every value contains this fundamental value. If coffee tastes good, it’s ultimately about the feeling of “living well.” Life is valuable if I pursue this fundamental value, if I live a fundamental relationship (live well), then every relationship (with coffee too) contains this deep attitude toward life itself. Whenever we establish a relationship with someone, we establish a relationship with life itself.
I wish all of us many experiences that will make us feel even more that life is basically good and that life is a gift. Thank you very much. published
@Alfried Langle, prepared by Anastasia Khramuticheva
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: thezis.ru/alfrid-lengle-chto-delaet-zhizn-tsennoy.html
“The topic we are going to talk about today is not only important for one’s own life, it is also important for those who teach, for those who work with children, because it is very important to teach children the love of life or to strengthen them in it. But unfortunately, children sometimes perceive being in school or kindergarten as something that takes away from them the joy of life.
Sometimes children leave school broken. Children should learn to take an interest in this life. They should be able to let themselves be touched by what is beautiful and interesting in this life, so that they live their life with interest. So today's theme is: What makes life valuable?
We are talking about our relationship with life. But this question is subjective and cannot be answered by a teacher. Everyone has to answer this question, because everyone is in this life with this question. I’m here, I’m here, but how do I feel? Only I can feel it. And everyone feels it. How is it personal for me to live here, in this place, in this family, with this body, with these personal traits that I have? Do I feel like I'm alive? Every day, every hour, I relive my life.. It's happening now. And now it is life. And more than that, this moment here, this now, this is my life. I have no other life than the one that is happening now.
In general, each of us wants a good life for ourselves. We want to be happy in this life. What is happiness? There are very different ideas about this. If a person suffers from the dissatisfaction of some needs, then happiness is when these needs are satisfied. If he suffers from insomnia, he is happy when he can sleep safely, and if he suffers from asthma, when he can breathe freely. But if there is no suffering due to the unsatisfaction of some needs, it is difficult to understand what happiness is. What's the point of reference? It's important to feel. Without feelings, we cannot be happy.So it is very important to talk about what it is to feel.
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The topic of happiness is not the topic of today’s meeting, so a small answer to the question of what we might understand by happiness. Happiness is if I agree with myself, if I have inner harmony with what I do, if I live with inner harmony. If in relation to many things I do, I have a feeling of "yes, I live," "yes, that fits me," "yes, that's right." To be in this relationship, to study this specialty, in my free time to meet with friends — not because I have to, but because it is valuable to me. So it's very important that we talk about values and relationships tonight.
Happiness is if I live in such a way that what I do fills me. When I'm at peace with myself. We want to be happy, but the basis for this is a good life. Having a good life is a modest formulation. A good life may not be exactly happiness, it is a prerequisite for happiness. The good life is like a bed to sleep, if I sleep in a good comfortable bed, then I can sleep better, then sleep is happiness. To see that life is good is a necessary prerequisite for a fulfilled, full life.
The question of the good life is a philosophical question. Long before the advent of psychology, philosophers dealt with this question. We can call this the basic question of philosophy: what is it necessary for life to be good? 2500 years ago, Plato believed that the highest good is not just life itself, but the good life. You can live and wait with the hope that you will die, for example, if a person is seriously ill, if he has severe pain. Just staying in life is not good in this case. The goal is only a good life.And for Plato, the good life belongs to the man who is noble and does justice. Plato, as we know, was an idealist.
Another ancient Greek philosopher Democritus was a realist, and for him a good life is a eutumia (from the Greek - good mood, contentment, joy). If I have good feelings, my life is good.
Aristotle, who was also a realist, but was closer to Plato, suggested that the good life is eudaimonia (from the Greek ev - good, daimonium - living spirit).That is, if you live with a good spirit, strive for something good, want to do something good, if you see the meaning, then life is good.
I would like to mention two other philosophers in my introduction. The Roman philosopher Seneca says that the highest good in life – and he says it in a very psychological way – is that of the world. harmony of the soul with itself. Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher on the Roman throne, also viewed the good life as autarky very psychologically. That is, if I have enough of myself, if I am on such good terms with myself, if I am good with myself, then this is a good life. This is similar to Seneca’s statement – the harmony of the soul with itself.
While the Greeks were abstract, the Romans were psychological and practical. Later, the good life in the history of philosophy was associated with ethical behavior, especially if we recall Immanuel Kant. He saw it in morality, whereas in Christianity it was connected with faith.
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I made this introduction so that we could realize that tonight's theme is the theme of human history. We are all born and all face the same task of shaping our lives.This life is entrusted to us. We have a responsibility. The question is always: What will I do with my life? Will I go to a lecture, will I spend the evening in front of the TV, will I meet with friends? We shape our lives. It is up to us whether our lives are good or not. Life only works if we love it. We need a positive relationship with life or we will lose our lives.
But how can I love life? What can I do about it? How can I grow, how can I strengthen this love? How can we teach this to children so they can do it better?
Let's approach it from that perspective. Let’s ask ourselves: What makes my life good? Now. Tonight. Do I have a good life? Perhaps we too rarely asked ourselves this direct question: the life I have is good? Could I say, yes, I have a good life? Many people might say, “Yes, my life is not bad.” But it could have been better. If I had a million dollars, it would be better. If only my friend or girlfriend loved me.
Yeah, there's a lot of truth to that. The life we live will never be perfect. We will always present something better. But will it really get better if I have a million dollars? In our view, we may think so. But really, what would that change? Yes, I could have traveled more, but nothing would have changed with me. I could buy better clothes, but would my relationship with my parents improve? And we need these relationships, they shape us, they influence us. Without a good relationship, we will not have a good life.
There are so many things we can buy, but there are also many things we can’t buy. For example, we can buy a bed, but not sleep. We can buy sex, but not love. Everything that is important in life cannot be bought.
Do I have a good life? I can imagine a better life. But if you look at what I already have, does it have value? Or do I feel that something important is missing? The Austrian poet Stefan Zweig once said, “Many people are happy, but few know it.” Maybe I'm happier than I know.
I've had that experience. We have small children, we need to work hard, and the children have a fever, they do not leave us alone, it is all very difficult. Sometimes we want to send children to the moon. Something goes wrong with your partner. Maybe we understand each other well, but something in our relationship drives me crazy over and over again. And if you look at it twenty years later and look at the pictures, you get such a warm feeling and say, "What a happy time it was!" This is what happiness looks like. That is, when we are happy, if we have a good life, there are also sufferings, limitations, problems. If I wait until I have no problems, I will never have a good life. There are always problems in the good life – we have to be realistic. But it is by dealing with these problems that I can live in such a way that I have inner harmony.
What do I lack for a good life? Ask yourself, was today a good day? What has added value to today? If I met my girlfriend today, if I had a nice conversation with someone, if it’s my birthday and I celebrated it well, then we’ll say, yes, it was a good day. If something special happened. But special is provided for a small number of days, and most days are ordinary.
Can life be good on a normal day? It is a matter of sensitivity, of attentiveness. I took a warm shower this morning. Isn't it nice to be able to take a shower, feel the stream of warm water? I had coffee for breakfast. I didn’t have to suffer from hunger all day. I can walk, I can breathe, I'm healthy enough. There are so many things that make my life worthwhile. And actually, we realize that when we don't have them.
A friend of mine, who lives in Kenya for six months, told me that he learned the value of a warm shower there. He spent a lot of time in the countryside, for many days there was no opportunity to shower - and before that he did it daily. If we don’t do something, there is a contrast. We feel the value of everyday things better. But right now we can, to some extent, turn to these things, treat them more carefully. To linger for a moment and say to yourself, I’m going to the shower, I’m doing this. And when I take a shower, pay attention to how I feel. How do I feel when I drink coffee?
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It gives us a general idea of how we can come to a good life. All of these things I've listed we call values. Everything is valuable that is good for me. Or what's good for someone else. And more generally, values are those contents, or those things that enhance life, that contribute to life. If I experience something as a value, then it is easier for me to say yes to life.
During the meeting, I can talk to my friend about what I was going through yesterday. He listens and says what he thinks about it. It's a value. It makes my life a little better. I can drink a glass of water, it makes my life better. Same value, little value. And if a person is thirsty or dies of thirst, then this value becomes enormous.
I'm going through a relationship with my partner. The fact that the partner is, that I love him, and he loves me. Same value. Values can be both small things and the greatest. For religious people, the greatest value is God. Value is what makes me want to say yes to life. It strengthens my fundamental relationship with life. Because the fundamental value of all values is the value of life itself. At the end of my talk, I will return to that thought.
To sum up. What is good or useful to me is value. Instead of value, we can use the word good. As good we perceive what is good, what contributes to life. Values are a kind of spiritual food. Values strengthen us. Therefore, we must pay attention to the fact that every day in our lives we experience as many values as possible. And in everything we do, look at whether there is value in it. What is it that feeds our lives? Perhaps this report is valuable if it helps to clarify our attitude to life, to deepen it.
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We need values not only as food for our lives, but also in order to be ready for some action. Every action follows a value. Every action is a decision. If I act, I say, I want to do it. For example, coming here is an action. Call my mom. I do it because I want to do it. It's called action. Do what I want to do. But I can't want to if I don't see value.
What's the value of calling your mom? Make her happy. Or I want to know how she's doing. I can also call my mom because she expects me to, and I feel some pressure. Maybe even I feel a bit scared if I can’t call her. I'm afraid our relationship will be ruined because of this. Then I'm calling, too. But what, then, is the value? Then I won't be happy to hear her voice and see how she feels. Or she won't be happy to have that call. If I call under this pressure, then I'll just do some formal duty. And the value that's in it is that I'll have less fear, less tension, but it's not enough.
So we see what can be of value to us, and we can take that away as value if there is some pressure. If I act, I want something, it means that I have value before my eyes. But the value can be very small and not really in a relationship with what I do. Calling my mom to reduce my fear or tension is not a real value. I'm doing it kind of involuntary. Of course, I may not, but the consequences are such that they will be of even less value than if I did.
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We experience values based on these two foundations. To experience that my life is fueled by something is strengthened by something. So it is good if we give ourselves pleasant experiences and events. Or when we do things that we enjoy doing, things that interest us when we feel good. Thanks to this, our life becomes full, filled with values. And we need values to be able to act. Acting means doing something, wanting it and making decisions in favor of it.
Values always have a big share for me. Even if I give someone 10 euros, it is only valuable if I am happy, if I feel that 10 euros can help a colleague, a beggar. They will have more value in their hands than if I have them. And then I can be glad I made this gift. So if something has to be valuable, it has to be good for me, too. If something is good only for someone else and not for me, then it is not an existential value.
Many people do something for another, give up something, sacrifice themselves: for children, for a friend, for parents, for a partner.. It is not good to cook food or have sex for a partner (well, once may be good, but if it happens again, it is a loss). It has to be good for me too, otherwise there is a loss of value. There won’t be a long way to go if you give something every time. I also need a good life in the presence of children and parents. This is not selfishness; it is a symmetry of values. Something can't be good for you unless it's good for me at the same time.
Parents are sacrificing their lives for their children: giving up vacations to build a home so the children can travel. And if their actions were not good for their parents, what would happen? Then they will reproach the children: “We have done everything for you, and now you are so ungrateful.” So now they say, Pay the bill. Be grateful and do something for me.” But if there is pressure, the value is lost. Parents are blackmailing their children. Children of such parents are often not grateful. Why not? Because they would also be more willing to have parents who pay attention to having a good life.
I don’t want parents who don’t have a good life because of me. And the kids are right if they're ungrateful - because the parents made a mistake. They beat themselves. They didn't live through that necessary symmetry of values that suggests that something, my dear child, can only be good for you if it's just as good for me. If I'm happy that I can give up something, I can do something for you. Then it gives me something as a parent. Then I feel the value of my own action. But if I don't have that feeling, then I'm devastated, and then there's a need for gratitude. Parents begin to feel that they are missing something and want it from their children.
But if I feel the value of what I do, if it's good for me, then I don't need gratitude. Of course, I will be glad if I am thanked, but I already received the award when I did. This should not be confused with selfishness. Selfishness is acting without paying attention to anyone else. I want to do it now, for example, I want to cook sausages tonight, although no one in my family wants to eat them today, but everyone will eventually have to eat sausages. That is, I behave selfishly if I do not take into account the desires of others and have before my eyes only my own needs, if I act as if at the expense of others.
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The experience of value nourishes me, gives me a sense of fullness, enriches my feelings, strengthens my relationship with life and at the same time it is the basis for my relationship with life.And one more thought on the subject: on the experience level, we feel that values are like magnets. I'm drawn there. I want to go there, I want to read this book, I want to eat this cake, I want to see my friends. Values attract us. Ask yourself: What is it that attracts me right now? Where am I now? Where am I experiencing this magnetic force now? It's something that I like, that I love, that interests me. If I have been separated from someone or something for a long time, then there is some sadness. I haven’t been to a concert or fitness in a long time. What attracts me, where does it take me?
Second, when we experience value, we also want to stay close to it. We want a repeat over time. If this is a value for us, we willingly go again and again to the fitness club, meet with a dear friend, stay in a relationship. If a relationship is valued, I want that relationship to have a future. If we experience something as a value, then naturally there is a desire for it to continue, for there to be a future, a perspective.
And the third point is the experience of values. In addition to the feeling of attraction and the desire to continue in time, we also have a desire to be intimately close to this value, to let this value touch us. If it's beautiful music, we want to absorb it. If it is good food, we want to try it. We want to hug and kiss our friends to experience intimacy. We want to be filled internally with what we experience as value.
We can also take care of values. A holiday is about courting value. For example, when we celebrate a birthday: what is the value in this – that you were born on this day! When we celebrate a successful exam, we celebrate success and life goes on. We only celebrate values.
And we care about values when we enjoy them. Pleasure is an exercise in deepening value. There is so much we can enjoy: the soft air of the coming spring, delicious food, conversation, of course, art. Or just the presence of another person. How does pleasure happen? We need feelings for that.
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Now I want to talk about feelings and how to feel. What are feelings? It's a personal way of experiencing. I can't give my feelings to someone else. My feelings are mine and cannot be shared. I can tell someone how happy I am. And I hope that my story will make others feel the same way as I do. And that he would be happy, too. But still, feelings are permeated by subjectivity. They are influenced by previous experience. The other will say, Yes, I am happy too, but at the same time, when I listen to your story, I have a feeling of fear. “You were lucky this time! But I feel very insecure listening to you. Because he feels something completely different from his previous experience.
How do feelings arise? Feelings arise when I approach an object, a content, and allow myself to be touched through proximity. In the literal sense of the word, internal contact is needed. And through this touch and contact, a force is mobilized in me, and what results is a feeling.
Where does this power come from? What does an object or thought affect? Where is the screen on which this information falls? This is my life. My feelings resonate with my life force. In feeling, my life moves.
Some people think that feelings are secondary. More important than facts, information, something rational, reasonable. "Forget about feelings, they only get in the way," they say. “Only women care about feelings” (in fact, it’s just women with better feelings). Thus, feelings are devalued, and those who devalue feelings often devalue women. And he often has a poor life.
If we make a phenomenological analysis of the senses, it becomes obvious to us what the senses are about. It's where my life moves. Feelings are not secondary, they are the most important thing in life. If I have feelings, it means I'm affected by something. My life force was moved by something. If I listen to the music of Tchaikovsky or Mozart, it touches me. If I look at my baby's face, see those big eyes, it touches me. I can't even really explain it. There is something going on between music and my life.
Or I look into a person’s eyes and suddenly find myself in love. But of course, love is a very intense form. In my life, something gets mixed up, is born. What would life be like if this never happened to me? If I had never met a man who came straight into my heart? It would be a poor life, a life without love, without being touched in the heart, a cold and businesslike life. And to have feelings means that my life, through contact with someone or something, is set in motion. When we are in love, we feel alive. Then my life boils, my life boils. It's not a weakness. It’s also not something we can specifically “do” — it’s something that happens to us. It's a gift. This encounter, this touch, gives me something more for my life.
We can do something about it, we are not only “devoted” to it. What can we do to increase this internal movement? Turn around and get close to it. If we turn away, the resonance will be weaker, but if we turn around and address it, something very important will happen: by doing so, we prepare ourselves for resonance. Therefore, turning is something that strengthens feelings. When we listen to music, we often close our eyes to immerse ourselves in it. We want this music to sound in us, so that it moves in us, so that it touches our heart, renews our lives. We can do that.
But if I fall in love but don't want to fall in love, it's better if we don't see each other anymore, because every time we meet, the feelings get stronger. When I encounter something that makes me feel negative, it tends to intensify and affect me more strongly.
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Now we can connect values and feelings. Values and feelings are somehow related to each other. What moves and moves me, we call value. Now, based on our understanding of feelings, we have an expanded definition of value. Values and feelings are connected. What triggers my feelings are values. If something evokes positive feelings, it is a positive value, and if I experience suffering, anger, it is an unworthiness.
And vice versa. I can only find values that are meaningful in the existential aspect through my feelings. If it’s just in my head, it’s probably an abstract value. She won't come into my life.
For example, a lot of experience has been gained on the topic of quitting smoking. How can a person be forced to quit smoking? After all, everyone knows that it is harmful to health. People are informed about this, provided with statistics and drawn the consequences in the form of diseases of various organs. And every smoker knows that smoking is harmful to health, as it affects the heart, lungs, blood vessels, but still smokes further. I know that smoking is bad for my health, but I still smoke. Education on this issue led to a reduction in smokers by only 1-2 percent. What are they doing today? Cigarette packages are marked in large letters: “Smoking kills.” That is, very strong messages are used to get to the feeling. It is assumed that if this affects the value of life, then a person will stand up for it.
This is a big topic of motivation research. Only if I feel valued does it matter to my life, in the sense that I make it the basis for my actions. In other words, feelings are important because they reveal the significance of something in your life. Feelings are not by-products, thoughts and experiences. They shape our complex perception. With our eyes we perceive light, and with our senses we perceive the meaning this thing has for my life. Through our senses, we perceive the significance of life.
How do we come to feel? Again, through being in a relationship, through contact. I can increase my feelings by turning to something if I look at how that contact affects me. If I take a sip of coffee, it's contact. And now I'm giving this sip of coffee to me. I look at how I feel when I have a cup of coffee in my mouth. How does that affect me? "Oh, good taste, nice aroma!" I swallow, I feel the coffee moving further down the esophagus - and then I have an impression. I'm enjoying coffee. What am I doing? I’m in touch and I’m open to it. And I ask myself, how does my life feel when I drink coffee? If this coffee feels like a value, then I worry that I like life a little more. If life is like that, then I like it. It's only a few seconds, but through this appeal to value, we can do more than make our lives better. The experience of value in principle always happens in this way. To enjoy is to turn to something within and let it affect you.
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We also need to distinguish between two feelings—feelings that come from within and feelings that come from outside. We distinguish them. The feeling of joy is a feeling that comes from within: I have experienced something, and the answer arises in me. We call it emotion. This concept comes from Latin and means that the fact that I, for example, passed the exam, causes in me an inner movement that corresponds to me, which stems from my essence. Which moves out of me.
And there are those feelings that are stimulated by some external stimulus. They're like a stimulus reflex. We call them affections. Anger, anger, rage, erotic feeling are passions, they depend on stimuli. They don't match my identity. If I prick with a needle, then the resulting feeling of pain is affect. And the deeper this injection, the deeper this affect. We can talk a lot about feelings, but for now we will dwell on the fact that there are feelings that come from the heart, and feelings that are caused by stimuli.
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And a few words about relationships. Relationships are very important for a good life. When people who are living the last weeks of their lives, who are preparing to die, are asked, “What was the most important thing in your life?” the first answer is, “The love I have lived.”. Indeed, it seems to be something very fundamental to a good life.
Relationships are not an easy subject. We cannot prevent a relationship, avoid a relationship. As soon as I see someone, it's a relationship. But regardless of this automatic basis of a relationship, the deciding factor in a relationship is whether or not I want to establish that relationship. To establish a relationship means to enter into a relationship, to address it. I want to be with this person, with my partner. Because it's good. Because I feel connected to him.
Establishing a relationship means “wanting to have intimacy” so that the other person can feel. I don't just want to hear or see. If I get into a relationship, I want to be touched by others. If I get into a relationship, I make myself available to someone else. If I get into a relationship, I put a bridge to another person. So that through this bridge you can come to me and I can come to you. If I'm in a relationship, I already have that feeling, an assumption of the value you represent. Life happens in a relationship, otherwise it doesn’t exist. Relationships with other people come first. One should never compromise one’s relationships, because there is a fundamental value to it that I can lose if I’m inattentive with people. And not only with people, but also with animals, with plants, with things, with theories. With what we learn, what we learn. It is important to establish emotional contact in these relationships.
It is very important to have a relationship with yourself to establish intimacy with yourself. So that I feel again and again throughout the day, over and over again, asking myself the question: how do I feel now? how do I feel? how do I do when I listen to this talk? how do I feel when I am with you? how do I feel? how do I feel when I study? If I don't establish a relationship with myself, I'll bypass myself, then I'll partly lose myself. I can become a stranger if I do not establish this relationship. And a relationship with you can only be good if I have a good relationship with myself. If I feel good about myself in your presence, if I feel good about myself, then I have a good relationship with you. But here it is important that I can feel.
And finally, a relationship with life. How does it feel to me that I live at all? We asked this question at the beginning of our meeting. And we can try to answer it again. I live, which means I grow, I mature, I have experiences, I have feelings—beautiful, painful, I have thoughts, I am busy during the day, I have a need to provide for my life. I've lived for a number of years. How is it for me - in the depths - that I have lived? Do I feel like this is something good? Do I feel that it is good that I can live? Do I like living? What kind of movement does this make in me?
If I let myself be touched by the life that I have lived, is there anything good in my life? Or is it hard, if there is a torment and a lot of pain? Maybe that's the case at times. But in the end, I’m happy that I can live. That I can give my consent, that I can say yes to that fact, that I live. Because I feel that this life touches me, there is some resonance, some movement, I am glad, I love it. It's not perfect, but it's still good. Because the coffee is delicious, the shower is pleasant, and I have meetings, I know people that I love and who love me.
If I have too little of that, maybe I'll have a feeling she's not very good. Maybe life hurt me a lot and I don’t like living. This is how a depressed person feels. In depression, we worry that there are few values in life. In depression, people don’t really want to live.
But many people are in a neutral field: I don’t even know if I like living. As long as I’m young, handsome, rich and healthy, OK, I agree. And if it's different, I don't know. And here it is important to come to this touch at depth. No one can do it for me because it relates to my intimacy. The fact that I let my life affect me, open up and look at what emotions arise is what we call the fundamental value to which all other values relate. Everything we experience as valuable nourishes this fundamental value. Conversely, every value contains this fundamental value. If coffee tastes good, it’s ultimately about the feeling of “living well.” Life is valuable if I pursue this fundamental value, if I live a fundamental relationship (live well), then every relationship (with coffee too) contains this deep attitude toward life itself. Whenever we establish a relationship with someone, we establish a relationship with life itself.
I wish all of us many experiences that will make us feel even more that life is basically good and that life is a gift. Thank you very much. published
@Alfried Langle, prepared by Anastasia Khramuticheva
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: thezis.ru/alfrid-lengle-chto-delaet-zhizn-tsennoy.html
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