The Alfred Langley that actually holds the couple together

The conference "About love, loneliness and happiness in a relationship. Existential analytical couples therapy "made famous Austrian psychotherapist, a representative of the existential analysis of the Alfred Langley. "I want to look at topics such as people, relationships, suffering in a relationship and find some relationship.»


Every person - a person, personality, Person. As a Person man stands as if on two legs: on the one hand, it is in itself, on the other hand, it is intentionally directed to another or others. As a Person, we open to the world (it is thought Scheler), and thus the partner in the relationship, so that the person can not be only from himself only by relying on himself.

Without the other I do not have. More precisely: I can not be I without the other. As an adult I can not I be completely without the other. For this anthropological fact Frankl introduced the concept of self-transcendence.

But no matter how much we may need in the other, the other can not do everything for us. Another can not replace us, can not represent us. Everyone as a Person must himself master of his life, to lead their lives, to find yourself, to be able to relate with himself. To be able to be well with them and be able to converse well with them, be in dialogue with them, including without the other. A person should be able to have one without the other.

Thus, as Person I involved and to its own inner world and the world at the same time to the other, the outside world. Therefore, people from the beginning is in the dual position, dual correlation. And here, in this place problems begin pairs - because I itself has a pair in his attitude outside and inside. I currently connect these two poles: the intimacy and openness to the world. This fundamental duality is rooted in human nature.

Summarizing, we can say that a person can be with other people or another person, but he can not be with others. He should be able to restrict yourself and be with yourself. This is a typical field of tension in which the couple: between egoism and dedication, dissolving, losing himself in another, in the relationship. When there are relationships with others, there is the danger. With respect to myself, too, there is a similar danger. Because if I myself can not understand and can not sustain itself, to be with you, if I can not confidently stand on their feet, that I seek to relate to others. And then the other as it is to me to replace it, I can not realize itself for itself.

Just because the ability to be with yourself may be shared being. Thus, working with a couple in existential therapy is similar to work with the individual. The man, his being so arranged that it is predisposed to have a relationship with another person. I support the fact that the problems couples should not be treated only with a systems perspective. Systematic approach provides very valuable insights, but requires a personal perspective on each person. The basis of my own - a personality of each person in the pair

. II

What is a couple? A pair - it is something that belongs to one another. Two - it's still no match. For example, a pair of shoes belong to each other, both shoes together make up the whole. So if I have two shoes, but both left-handed, it will not be a pair. A couple of people we. But just two people do not amount to We. If we in this one lacks, the other is feeling, "I miss him."

We have something in common. The couple, who live with life tend to have an emotional relationship - we call this relationship of love. It is only through the experience of what I have been through Another finish building itself before the whole, become whole, there is a new quality of experience. And if this person is not what is missing. Thus, the pair - it is more than the sum of the two individual

. My individuality paired partly lost, and after being paired me there is an additional value. The right boot gets added value through the left boot. Couple two people related to each other and experience themselves as a part of a certain community: through you I get something that I do not have one


As people in a pair are linked? There may be mentioned two kinds of communication:. Relationship and meeting

What is the relationship? It is a constant form of communication. That is, people somehow relate to the other person, it is constantly in mind. For example, if I see someone, I can not stop it - it just is, in my field of vision

. Thus if two people meet, they can not enter into a relationship. There is a forced point. At a time when in front of me is the other, I feel it differently than if there is no other before me. I keep relation with something, I am constantly in the world.

Therefore, the relationship - last, this long-term thing, and they contain the totality of the experience that we have acquired over a lifetime. And it remains there forever. Therefore, when a couple comes to therapy, and the wife says: "You know, thirty years ago you I was very offended," while her husband does not remember anything, it means that the relationship - a container in which all collected and all stores nothing is lost. Naturally, there is added some new experiences that can change the whole set of experiences.

Meeting - is another form of communication, which includes the pair. If relations revolve around the cognitive and emotional components, the meeting - it is private. What meeting? I meet you, and you meet ya These two poles are linked not by a link but by field (in that "between" us).

This field exists only when I really found you. If they do not match, do not resonate, then this field is minimized, and the meeting did not occur. Therefore, you may want to meet, strive for it, to make a decision about it. Meeting punctual - it is happening at this moment

. Continuing relations need to place the meeting. If the meeting occurs, the relationship changed. After the meeting, we can work with the relationship. If the meeting does not take place, the relationship becomes automatic. And one feels that it seemed "lucky devil" - because psychodynamics delays in automatism, and we become functional in rem and not personal

. Naturally, in the life of each pair there and then, and more: the attitude, and meetings. And then, and another is necessary. But relations live through meetings.


What is the structure from the relationship in a pair? If we consider the couple's relationship existentially, we find the fundamental structure, which gives us the foundation for couples therapy.

For any couple, everyone has the need, the desire, the motivation "to be able to be in this relationship." This is the first fundamental motivation. I want to be where you are. For example, I want to live with you. Or go together somewhere. I want to be with you because you make me be in this relationship. With you I can be. You give me protection, a support, you're ready to (a) help me, or do you give me, for example, the material basis of life, an apartment. Can I trust you, because you are faithful, reliable.

The second fundamental motivation in the relationship pairs. With this man I want to live. Here, I feel life. This man touches me. With him I feel the heat. I want to survive the relationship with you, I want to spend time with you. Your intimacy is desired for me, it revives me. I feel your appeal, you are attracted to me. And we have common values ​​that we share: for example, sports, music or something else

. The third dimension of being in a couple. With this man I have a right to be so, I am. Moreover, with him I become more than himself, than outside these relations - not only because of who I am and who I can be. That is, through you, I become more myself. I feel you have learned and seen. I feel respect. You take me seriously, and you're just me. I see that you think I am, that I am an unconditional value for you. Although you can be not agree (agree) with all my thoughts and actions. But exactly what I am, is suitable, you are taking it for you.

And fourth - this is a common sense. Together we want to build peace, to share some common values, to do something for the future. We want to work on something: on themselves or on something in the world outside of our relationship - and it binds us

. When all four of these structures in order - it is an ideal form of relationship because this relationship can be experienced all the basic foundation of existence. And here we come to the practical level.


What, in fact, keeps a couple together? We can say, summarizing what each of the four basic motivations holds a couple together.

The first plane - some practical side that allows a person to live in peace. For example, we have a common flat - where do I go? A quarter of pairs, and can be, and most live together why. No romance, personality, too. The reality is that there is no place to go. There are common money, the division of labor. Together, we can go on vacation and not work alone.

The second level - the heat that I can survive another, tender, sexy. It happens, and talk like nothing, but it functions with each other.

The third - a personal level. I am not alone when I come home, there is at least a person has, not just a cat.

And the fourth - we have a common project, a common task in the world, and it is reasonable to stay together. Most often, as this project are the children while they are small. Or, for example, the joint company.

These four structures of existence - as the glue that binds the couple together. There is a very well-known, even famous study on the problems of couples, which was held Goulmanom, author of the book "Emotional Intelligence". This study confirms what I am saying. Goleman has slightly different wording, but in general the idea of ​​similar. He studied thousands of couples, and found as follows: for four years divorced or separated couples all in respect of which were the following four symptoms (they are the same - non-existence of four listed above)

. So, we can predict 93% accuracy, that the couple will divorce if:

1. One of the pair take a defensive position. On the existential-analytical terms, this means that they are in the plane of the first fundamental motivation: he seeks protection. This position devastates relationships.

2. At least one partner constantly criticizes others. This means it depreciates other. And the other a feeling he does not see me, I can not be with him. This is the third fundamental motivation and part first.

3. This aspect is central. If there is a lack of respect and mutual depreciation, then the couple will disperse. This means destruction of the sense of self-worth. Man feels that he can not see. Personality in a relationship does not occur.

4. There is a closeness. If at least one of the pair is closed, it is not a common event live, sense experience.

These couples - even if they go to therapy - the worst chances of staying in the relationship. They can not find each other personal relations. In such pairs pronounced inability to personal relations, at least one of the partners. And the other can not do it for him, make up for it. Such a person is not capable of long-term relationships, he must still maturing and development. We need to work with its problems and injuries.

Goleman all filmed on video. In these videos in the first 15 minutes of talk time on non-verbal communication is possible to ascertain what the forecast is this pair. For example, they are sitting in a position that does not look into each other's eyes. Or do degrading gestures. Facial expressions and gestures - is the fastest communication. Generally speaking, in the treatment of such a degree of predictability, as in this study is rarely achieved.


What keeps a couple together? All four fundamental motivations, but especially the third. If we are not talking about functional relationships, respect for others, acceptance of the other, a sense of value of another - it is a fundamental prerequisite. But it turns out only if I can be with him, and not be dependent on the other by unmet needs.

The good relations of pairs converge two separate people who do not need one in the other, in which everyone can live and one without the other. But they feel that with them better, more beautiful. If I, along with others, I develop. I experience joy when I see how you disclose blooms.

Thus, the pair held in a relationship is more personal relationships - respect, common interest, a sense of what the other sees me and sees that I can be more than himself with this man

. A few questions for understanding relationships.

What is important to me in a relationship? If I have a relationship, I ask what is important for me in this relationship? What I want in a relationship? What I would like, I feel like something that pulls me entails? That, I suppose, it is important for my partner? Will we ever talked about it at all? Or, perhaps, I have fear to enter into a relationship? What in me this pervostraha, fear of expectations? What is the worst thing for me in this relationship? Male fear - to be swallowed. Women fear - to be used, the fear that it "will abuse»

. What is my idea of ​​a relationship? Should there be a specific role in the family: the husband - one of his wife - another? How close, open relationship should be? How much free space we want to give to each other? What I need is more pronounced - in the merger or autonomy? As far as these relationships have to be partners, dialogue, or hierarchical relationships much better - because then everything is easier


Relationships are stabilized through love. Love - is the most powerful factor that keeps people together. Love wants the good for the other. Loving interested in who you are, what you are interested in who you are. The lover wants to live for others, and for you to perform at your side, in your defense.

If we analyze the need for love, we find there the same basic existential structure. We need protection and support, we have a need for intimacy, attention, respect, common, where you can open up. If these existential needs are not fulfilled, here mixed with psychodynamics, and there are problems.

Requirements - this is a big problem in couples therapy. Needs - is perceived deficits that become vital character. They seem to be endowed with psychodynamic vital force they depersonalny. The problem the couple is never personal. Because the personal is just something that brings healing. The problem - this depersonalization, anonymization

. Requirements are selfish, selfish and any psychodynamics, this is its qualitative difference. The need, for example, love, recognition, respect, in order to be satisfied, seeks to use the other to meet these needs.

And the other says it is, he feels that something is not right, that he is not good in these respects, and even starts to defend the ideal partner in this relationship. But in most cases, also have other unmet needs. And so there are persistent patterns fueled this psychodynamics.

Thus personality recedes into the background, and comes to the fore the functional relations are beginning to be custom, both partners start to use another for their own purposes. Of course, to some extent, we can accept and fulfill the other requirements. If a person is in the fundamental motivation is strong enough, then it may be this need to some extent to meet.

As one of the goals of therapy, we consider that the couple helps each other to meet those deficiencies that everyone has. But it turns out only when we can talk about it and discuss it in the dialogue. Because if this psychodynamics will happen by itself, automatically, it depersonaliziruet, degrading. A person should not be allowed to be used. Even in love, he does not give itself to be used.


How are couples counseling? Consider a simple model. In consultation it is about to lift the severity of the conflict. This process consists of 4 steps.

The first step - the release of the goods: we release the goods the specific situation in which the couple is now. В соответствии с первой фундаментальной мотивацией мы смотрим на положение дел: что есть? На этом уровне мы пока не затрагиваем проблемы отношений. Но если оставаться почти исключительно на почве фактов, что могут сделать сейчас люди, чтобы облегчить тяжесть возникшей ситуации? Пара хочет пережить чудо. Но они должны учиться смотреть, каков следующий шаг, и не ставить все под вопрос в фундаментальном плане. Такая трезвость взгляда создает некоторое облегчение.

И тогда мы начинаем второй шаг — создаем фундамент. Мы вместе смотрим, что в данный момент является общими целями у этих людей. И проясняем, какой вклад каждый из двух людей внести в эту общую цель, и к чему каждый готов.

Третий шаг — развитие отношений. Уход или взращивание того, что достойно любви, того, на почве чего можно вырастить любовь. То, что в другом я могу любить — это некоторый ресурс этих отношений. Мы работаем с ресурсом. Что я вижу в другом, что достойно моей любви? Что я сам могу сделать, чтобы быть достойным твоей любви?

И четвертый шаг — обсуждение более глубоких проблем: причиненных обид, каких-то слабостей, неспособностей.


Назову центральные элементы терапии пар.

1. Позиция терапевта, его установка. Терапевт как бы принадлежит обоим сторонам в равной степени, он не имеет права взращивать в себе тайные симпатии к кому-то в паре. Эта позиция достаточно трудна. Важно, чтобы сама пара видела, что терапевт именно на обеих сторонах. Таким образом, основная позиция терапевта — я как посредник в диалоге. Мы должны способствовать возникновению диалога в паре, потому что диалог — это целительный момент.

Терапевт должен сразу реагировать, если пара начинает ругаться. Он говорит: это вы можете делать дома, здесь этому не место. Терапия сразу рассыпается, если терапевт позволит им ругаться. Можно сделать исключение, но не больше чем на 1-2 минуты, чтобы потом вернуться и проанализировать, что произошло.

2. Феноменологическая точка зрения. Как феноменологи, мы смотрим на пару и спрашиваем себя: за что борется каждый? от чего страдает каждый? почему эти двое не могут решить проблемы, в чем причина? Например, если обнаруживается оборонительная позиция, и пара только обменивается претензиями друг ко другу, за этим может стоять разочарование от неисполненных ожиданий. Необходимо обнаружить и прояснить ожидания: насколько они реалистичны, насколько сам человек готов делать то, что он ожидает от другого? Ожидания — это желания. В экзистенциальном анализе мы превращаем желания в волю.

3. Развитие диалога. Развитие диалога — это ядро или сердце экзистенциально-аналитической терапии пары. Он имеет две предпосылки: одного человека, который готов сказать, что его волнует, и другого, который готов это слушать. Диалог начинается со слушания. Терапевт предлагает каждому из пары описать свою проблему.

Другой должен слушать его: это не всегда просто, но он должен слушать. Затем мы просим слушающего повторить то, что сказал первый. Затем мы расширяем это и в качестве следующего шага вводим эмпатию — то, что мы называем самотрансценденцией. Мы спрашиваем: как вы думаете, какую проблему с вами на самом деле имеет ваш партнер?

Здесь запрашивается его образ другого (я как бы смотрю глазами другого на самого себя и, задаваясь таким вопросом, человек начинает размышлять и говорить). Таким образом мы пытаемся выстроить диалог при поддержке терапевта. Терапевт в данном случае — посредник и наводчик мостов.

4. Мотивация отношений. Пара задается вопросом: почему мы вместе? что было первой мотивацией, когда мы вступили в отношения?

5. Мысль о разрыве. Почему мы не расходимся? Хорошая пара должна мочь разойтись, если это лучше для другого. Эта мысль часто провоцирует психодинамику.

6. Конструктивная помощь паре. Здесь мы снова соприкасаемся с 4 фундаментальными мотивациями, но теперь активным образом. Где я для моего партнера действительно присутствую? Нравится ли мне мой партнер? Ценю я его? Могу ли я это ему сказать? Что хорошего может вырасти из наших отношений? В чем я вижу наше общее?

Если нам удастся открыть взгляд на общее и обнаружить, что я могу внести в эти отношения, и вместо того чтобы ждать, говорить с другим о том, что мне действительно важно, тогда у пары действительно есть шанс. Тогда мы как терапевты можем радоваться, что присутствовали при персональном диалоге. Thank you for attention.


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