Mature relationship: dependent, independent and interdependent.

Stunning art psychologist Alena Lubimova three dimensions of love

Love has three dimensions. One - a measurement of dependence; It happens to most people. Husband depends on his wife, the wife is dependent on her husband; they exploit each other, subordinate themselves to each other, belittle each other to the goods. In ninety-nine percent of the world it is just that. That is why love, which can open the doors of paradise, only opens the doors of hell.

The second option - is the love between two independent people. It also occasionally occurs. But this brings suffering because it continues constant conflict. There can be no attunement; Both are independent so that no one is ready to compromise, adjust to others. With poets, artists, thinkers, scientists, with all those who live in a kind of independence, at least in their minds, it is impossible to live; they are too eccentric people. They give freedom to another, but their freedom seems more indifference than freedom, and it looks as if they do not care for them if it does not matter. They give each other to live in the space. Relationships seem only superficial; they are afraid to go deeper into each other, because they are more attached to their freedom, than to love and do not want to compromise.

And the third possibility - interdependence. This happens very rarely, but when it happens, it is a paradise on earth. Two people, neither dependent nor independent, but immense synchronicity, if breathing together, one soul in two bodies - when this happens, there is love. Call it love only. The first two types really do not like, they just take measures - social, psychological, biological measures. Third - it is something spiritual.

Need and to give love and be
KS Lewis decided to divide into two kinds of love: "Love-need" and "love-gift." Abraham Maslow also divides love into two types. The first he calls a "love-failure", the second - "love-being." This division significantly and it needs to be understood.

"Love-need" or "love-failure" is dependent on the other; this immature love. In fact, this is not true love - it is a necessity. You use the other, you use the other as a means. You exploit, manipulating, to obey it yourself. But another belittled, the other almost destroyed. And exactly the same thing doing another. He's trying to manipulate you, to dominate, to possess, to use you. Use a human being - very nelyubyasche. Therefore, it only seems like love; this counterfeit coin. But this is what happens to almost ninety-nine percent of people, because the first lesson of love that you get, it's your childhood.

A child is born; it depends on the mother. His love of the mother is the "love-failure" - he needs his mother, he can not survive without a mother. He loves his mother because the mother is his life. In fact, it is not really love - he will love any woman who will defend him, to help him survive, which will satisfy his need. The mother is a kind of food that he eats. It receives from the mother is not only milk, but love - and it is also a necessity. Millions of people remain children all my life; they never grow up. They grow in age, but never grow up in the mind; their psychology remains infantile, immature. They always need love, always hungry for it as food.

Man becomes mature at the moment when he begins to love instead of need. He begins to overflow, to share; He begins to give. The emphasis is completely different. In the first emphasis on how to get more. The second emphasis on how to give, how to give and how to give more surely. This growth, to you is approaching maturity. A mature person gives. Only a mature person can give, because only a mature person is there. Then love is independent. Then you can be loving, no matter whether you love another. Then love is not the attitude of this state.

What happens when a flower blooms in the woods where no one to admire it, where no one passes by and says how beautiful, no one can see its beauty, its joy - no one to share - what happens to the flower ? he is dying? He suffers? He panics? Commits suicide? He continues to blossom, just continues to blossom. No matter passes by someone or not; it does not matter. He continues to give a flavor of the winds. He continues to offer their joy to God, the whole. If I'm alone, and even then I will be the same loving, what I was with you. It is not you who created my love. If you created my love, then, of course, when you did not, and would not have been my love. You are not extracted from my love, I pour it on you - it is a gift of love, the love-being. And I totally agree with KS Lewis and Abraham Maslow. The first thing they call love is not love, it's a necessity. As the need may be love? Love is a luxury. This abundance. It means so much to have a life that you do not will lose. This means to have so many songs in your heart that you should sing them - listening to someone or not, it does not matter. If no one listens, and even then you sing your song, dance your dance. Another may get it, may miss - but as for you, you techesh; it overflows. River flow is not for you; they flow there or not. They flow, not for your thirst; they flow not for your thirsty fields; they just flow. You can quench your thirst, you can miss out - it depends on you. The river actually flowed not for you, just the river flowed. By chance you can get water for their fields, accidentally you can get water for their needs.

When you depend on others, it always brings suffering. At the moment, when you are dependent, you start to feel miserable, because the dependence creates slavery. Then you start to fine ways to revenge, because the person from whom you have to depend on acquiring power over you. Nobody likes when someone has power over him, no one likes to be dependent because dependence kills freedom. And love can not blossom depending - love is the flower of freedom; he needs space, it needs absolute space. Another should not interfere in it. It is very delicate.

When you depend on the other, the other, of course, you will report yourself, and you try to subdue him. It is a struggle that goes on between the so-called lovers. They are - intimate enemies constantly fighting. Husbands and wives - what are they doing? Love is very rare; fight the rule, love - an exception. And as soon as they can try to subdue each other - even in love they try to subdue each other. If a husband asks his wife, she refuses, he does not want. They are very stingy: she gives with great reluctance, she wants you around her wagging tail. And just with my husband. When his wife needs, she asks him, but her husband said that he was tired. In the office it was too much work, he worked too much and he needed to sleep.

These methods of manipulation, attempts to force another to starve, to make it more and more hungry to become more and more dependent. Naturally, the women in this more diplomatically, because the man already has the power. He did not need to find subtle and insidious ways to power it already has power. It manages the money - it's his power. It is more muscular. For centuries, it causes a woman's mind, that he was stronger and she weaker.

Man has always tried to find the woman who in all senses smaller. The man does not want to marry a woman who educated him, because at stake is power. He does not want to marry a woman who is above it, because it seems that the higher the woman of his superior. He does not want to marry a woman who is too smart, because she argues, and the arguments can destroy power. The man does not want a woman who is very famous, because then it becomes secondary. For centuries, the man asked the woman, who is younger than him. Why is the wife can not be over? But the older woman experienced - it destroys power.

Therefore, man has always been looking for a woman who is less - that's why women have lost growth. There is no other reason why they should be inferior to men, it is no reason; they lost growth, because women have always chosen small. Little by little it came into their minds so deeply that they lost growth. They lost their minds, because women were not reasonable needs; intelligent woman was ugly. You will be surprised to learn that only in this century, their growth began to increase again. Even the bones began to increase, the skeleton began to increase. Only in the last fifty years ... especially in America. Their brain is growing and getting bigger than it was before, the skull becomes larger.

The idea of ​​freedom for women has destroyed some deep conditioning. The man already had so much power that he did not have to be very clever, did not need to be very indirect. In women, there was no power. When you do not have power, you have to be more diplomatic - a substitute. The only way to feel the power of it was that they were needed, that the man ever needed them. This is not love, it's a bargain, and they constantly traded price. It is a constant struggle. KS Lewis and Abraham Maslow divided love into two types. I do not divide into two types. I say that the first kind of love is just a name, a false coin; it is not true. Only the second kind of love - a love.

Love happens only when you are mature. You become able to love only when you're an adult. When you know that love is not a necessity, but an overflow - love-being or love-gift - then you can give without any conditions.

The first kind of love, the so-called love, comes from a deep human need for another, while "love-gift" or "love-being" poured from a mature person to another of abundance. A man filled with it. Do you have it, and it starts moving around you, just like when you turn on the lamp, the rays begin to spread in the darkness. Love is a by-product of creatures. When you eat, you are surrounded by an aura of love. When you're not around you do not have this aura. And when all around you do not have this aura, you ask others to give you love. Let me repeat: when you do not have love, you ask others to give it to you; you are a beggar. The other asks you to love him or her. Two beggars, stretching hands to each other, each hoping that this is another ... Of course, both of them, in the end, feel defeated, cheated.

You can ask any husband and wife can ask all lovers - both of them feel cheated. The fact that it is the other who was your projection - if you have a wrong view, what's the other one? Your projection was destroyed; the other is not proved relevant to your projection, that's all. But another, and is not required to meet your expectations.

And you deceived other ... it feels different because he was hoping that love will flow from you. You're both hoping that love will flow from the other, and both were empty - how love can happen? At most, you can be miserable together. You used to be unhappy alone, alone; Now you can be miserable together. And remember, when two people are unhappy with, it's not just add, this multiplication.

One you feel disappointed, and now you feel disappointed with. One well in this: in this you can shift the responsibility to the other - the other makes you unhappy; is a point in your favor. You can relax. "I'm all right, but the other ... What to do with a wife - nasty, sawing? Man is doomed to be unhappy. What to do with her husband - an ugly, a miser. " Now, you can shift the responsibility to the other; you have found a scapegoat. But suffering remains, the suffering is multiplied many times.

This is the paradox: those who are in love, there is no love, which is why they fall in love. And since they have no love, they can not give. And one more thing - the immature man always falls in love with another immature person, because only they can understand each other's language. Mature man loves a mature man. An immature person likes immature person.

You can continue to change the husband or wife, a thousand and one times, but again, you will find a woman of the same type, and repeat the previous distress - in different forms, but repeated the same suffering repeats almost exactly. You can change the wife, but you have not changed - who is now chooses a new wife? You will choose. The choice will come again out of your immaturity. Once again you will choose a woman of the same type.

The main problem of love is to first become mature. Then you will find a mature partner; then immature people do not you will attract. There is just so. If you're twenty-five years, you do not fall in love with the two-month baby. Similarly, if you are a mature person psychologically, spiritually, you do not fall in love with the child. That did not happen. That can not be, you see, it's pointless.

In fact, mature man falls in love, he rises in love. The word "fall" is wrong. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall in love. Somehow they were able to stand up straight. Now they can no longer stand - they are a woman, and they are no more, they found a man, and no more. They were always ready to fall to the ground and travel along. They have no ridge of the spine; they do not have sufficient integrity to stand alone.

In a mature man enough integrity to be alone. And when a mature person gives love, he gives it without any attached thereto secret threads - it just gives. When a mature person gives love, he feels gratitude for what you accepted it, not vice versa. He does not expect that you'll be grateful for it - no, not at all, he did not even need your gratitude. He thanks you for what you took his love. And when two mature people love each other, there is one of the great paradoxes of life, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together, but at the same time immensely alone. They together to such an extent that almost a whole, but does not destroy their unity identity - in fact, it increases it, they become more individual. Two mature persons in love help each other to become free. There is no policy, no diplomacy, no attempts to subjugate another.

How can you try to subdue the man you love? Just think about it - a kind of subordination of hatred, anger, hostility. How can you even think about how to subdue the man you love? Would you like to see this person completely free, independent; You would give it more personality. That is why I call it the great paradox: they are together so much that almost merged into one, but still remain in the unity of individuality. Their personality do not mix - they are amplified. Another enriched them in regard to freedom.

Immature people in love are destroying the freedom of the other, creating chains, creating a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all kinds of bondage. And when love flows in such freedom, it has such beauty. When love flows based, it is ugly.

Remember, freedom is the highest value, than love. That is why in India we have called moksha limit; Moksha means freedom. Freedom is the highest value, than love. Therefore, if love destroys freedom, it is not worth it. Love should be discarded, the freedom to be saved - freedom is the supreme value. And without freedom you can never be happy, that's impossible. Freedom is inherent in the nature of the desire of every man, woman - complete freedom, absolute freedom. So anything that gets in the way of that freedom - a man begins to hate it.

Do not you hate the man you love? Do not you hate the woman you love? Hate! It is a necessary evil, you have to tolerate it. Because you can not have one, you should be able to be with someone, and you have to adjust to the demands of the other. You have to endure, you have to make them.

I love to be truly love, be love-being, love-gift. Love is a gift means a state of love - when you come home when you know who you are, then love arises in your being. Then the fragrance spreads, and you can give it to others. How can you give something, then you do not have? The main condition to to give it to you it was.

Love and marriage
I suggest that the wedding took place after the honeymoon, never before. Only if all goes well - only the wedding should take place.

Honeymoon after marriage is very dangerous.

The guest was shocked.


See also

New and interesting