— Eric fixated on gifts and LEGO specifically, but since autumn is preparing a letter to Santa Claus. All of these categories ("expensive", "there is no money for it", etc.) that we use in order not to buy every weekend a new set, cause I have questions. Because Eric does not understand what it means.
Yes, I also think that it is not always clear for the child. No money is now no money or no money? And if they are not we poor? And when will the money buy? And why did you buy something now, you have the money? Why not a toy?
About the money we have a lot of cliches and set pieces. On the machine, for example, say "no money". But the point is not that there is no money. If you do not take any exclusive toys, any, even a small salary, cover even the cost is not cheap. So it's not that at all "no money". The fact is that for us other expenses are more important. And about a baby with a certain age you can say.
— At what age such conversations are meaningful?
Depends on the emergence of interest in the subject. Someone 4 already interested in money, and someone to 7 Matures. Same with pocket money. But I think the school certainly needs the money.It is important to say that we, the parents, more important than now to buy this and that. Tell him about our priorities and values. The child, of course, with these values and priorities do not agree, it may be others.
Actually, I personally for your honesty in case of failure. If it seems expensive, then I say: "I'm not going to buy now. I think it's expensive. I'm ready to just buy toys is not more expensive than so-and-so amount." Then Pasha, for example, may ask you to give him this toy on a holiday. Or if I don't like the toy: "I'm not going to buy it. It I don't like, I feel sorry for her money". And then, if the Pasha likes this, he can buy a toy for their pocket money. Or "I'm not going to buy it. I'm worried that it will take a lot of space". Well, that is what it is saying. I'm not a psychologist say, just tell your model. And it's not that the model on export. Not so important what we say to children if it is fair and understandable for them. Even "I don't want, can't even explain why, but don't want to buy."
Honesty, of course, also has its limits. With themselves or with a psychologist can be and very exciting to understand why we don't want something to spend the money. Sometimes the feelings that we hide from ourselves. For example, envy or sadness and pain because we are such a child, parents not given, not bought, is not allowed, but the toys were only on holidays.
We all have different stories. And do not speak to children: "you Know, son, I'm so traumatized, I can't buy, I'm jealous". Or, by the way, often parents, on the contrary, all buy, in what the child is not denied, because they did not have this. As if engaged in healing the "inner child" through their real children. So, possibly even our children not to engage in domestic "dispute".
To deny children it is possible and even useful. But not from a teacher some ideas, but just because we "want to." When we refuse, when they want to refuse — it teaches the child that there are other people with their desires, which may differ from his. There are limits. This is extremely important.
And I say seemingly obvious thing: who has the money and the power to refuse to purchase or buy. However, too soft parents who are reluctant to take parental authority, is very scared of it. They don't like anything about power, nor about failures. However, it's better for everyone when parents use the power directly and confidently. Otherwise it leads to manipulation, both adults and children. And to increased anxiety in children, by the way. So if you can't refuse... This is very big topic, separate why we can be so that difficult, most likely about parental guilt and fear of being "bad parents".
I want to say about three things that can be harmful in case of refusal
. The first
is the depreciation of the wishes of the child or styrene for his wish. This is when his "I want LEGO", we say, "Yes, what is LEGO? You have a million Legos! How can? Don't you know that I have so much to buy?! How do you want Legos? It's terrible!".
I give sharp words, and we are not those parents, we thin and humanistic. And so we manipulated thinner "what you gonna do with this toy? See what it is of poor quality. Yes and where are you going to store?". Because we so rarely speak the truth to know that our child wants to collect a collection of all the terrible Chinese toys, and store it it planning in a large room, the kitchen and the small part we have in the bedroom. Rather, it stated that the child refused himself from his desire to buy a toy. And that the parents weren't so "bad" in the eyes of a child: like as not, he refused to buy, and the child himself has a change of heart.
— I have with myself still often happens. I want a new IPhone, for example. And the old it's not old, I persuaded myself. And stuff like that.
It's all manipulation, that when the frequent use lead to the fact that a person has a shame for their desires, that he does not believe, to want something, constantly doubts his desires. So when we refuse, it is better to refuse: "I don't want, I won't buy, I don't like". And so on. Such a trivial thing, but so we show the child that people can have different desires, and that he has a right to their desires.The second harmful thing
is the impairment provisions given the age of the child. For example, "you'll grow...", "that's going to earn his money...". That's also kind of manipulation. Instead of directly to take power and refuse to spend money, the adult emphasizes the insignificance and dependency of the child. And in adulthood, such parents "here will be..." respond this way: an adult are often dissatisfied with what he has, it's hard to recognize your achievements, successes, in fact, that he has. "All good in the future, he still need to grow, and now I'm nobody."
— The truth! What a mess.
And third harmful thing
is ignoring, or lack of support, the devaluation of the feelings of the child associated with parental rejection. If we want something and do not receive, we can feel anger, sadness, something. And the child has every right to feel whatever he feels. And be angry with us, and sad because of the fact that I didn't buy. Our parent task is generally easy to sustain these feelings and to recognize the right of the child to them. To tell him that, Yes, they say, angry with me that I'm not buying.
— You mentioned that Pasha is pocket money. Tell me how to give the child money?
Different in different families happens, I'm not ready here to take the role of an expert and to argue that some system is correct and the other not. Where a child receives money for certain work. Somewhere he regularly receives a certain amount of money. Someone gives the children a change from purchases at the store. Someone gives on holidays. Different can be.
Everyone chooses what he feels right and comfortable. We talk a lot about consciousness — that in the case of pocket money is also a good idea to understand why we give and why in this way.
I have the conviction that the child must be your money. Someone says that this is necessary in order for children to learn to deal with money, take them. It seems to me important another. I think it's important that the child has the power to dispose of money at own discretion, irrespective of our desire. Generally in the process of growing up we gradually impart to our children the power to decide what to wear, whom to invite for birthday, how to learn, and so on. That is, if we want him to grow up, we gradually pass the power. And with money too.
About how to give pocket money. I said, what could be different, I will not describe the pros and cons of each option. It's a matter of taste or, rather, values and goals. I can say that I personally wouldn't fit a system in which the child was earning money for some things in the family. Well, I'm not getting from her husband the money for dinner, or grandmother is not getting money for something that sat with Pasha. A child suddenly we start to pay. I don't like this idea, and my husband too. Thus, for example, in our family, and me and my husband it is important to have the personal money, which he spends as he wants. This is a value for us. So we just regularly (once a week) give Pasha the money. No way. Or because he's family, in which everyone put their money.
— Eric like a year ago asked me, "Mom, kids can do some nursery work and earn?" I said that can – for example, hang the Laundry out of the car, remove the toys from the site (the conversation was in the summer at the cottage). Eric are on fire, we agreed on the cost of the work and it was great! Eric enjoyed making my children's work, received at 10-20 rubles for the job, save up money and count it. Then we went to the store and Eric bought with his own money a small car. He was happy! And all these tasks had no effect on his willingness or unwillingness to help me without money, never asked for money for a simple request for help. In General, for a child wants to formulate the concept of money is correct, not such as we have: money is dirty, money is bad, rich — the bourgeois, etc.
Yeah. If there is the idea that money is evil and dirt, there is little chance to live in prosperity. It's actually amazing how what we think about money affects our relationship with them. For example, for me money is freedom and opportunity. And I get anxious when I have a lot of freedom and opportunity, here is my condition at the moment. And then I'm restless with a lot of money, and I unconsciously push them away. But when I tell myself that the freedom and opportunities I need in order to make it more comfort and pleasure, I immediately relaxed, and money for comfort and pleasure start to come.
And Pasha says that the money he associated with the rich. And the rich are always thick – is a collective image of different tales about a "gentleman." And he wants to be rich, but thick does not want to be. Apparently, he will have to deal with it somehow, otherwise it will be difficult to be rich and slim(laughs).
Generally a lot of harmful ideas about money are broadcast. And about the bad rich people and good poor people. And the fact that a lot of money honestly earned. And the fact that it is low and interferes with the spiritual. And the fact that money spoils. All these ideas prevent to earn money. Can talk about it with children, if he such hears.
But if we ourselves are performances. We can "stopeed" time to say some great wisdom about money to children, but if unconsciously we have a different belief, the inheritance will be it, also unconsciously. Insights "what to do" will leave readers.
— Eric is very like the money — it recalculates almost every day that he has in the Bank. The Treasury was built from the designer himself. All the time asking to help him to lay down different amounts, to see how much he has money. I like it, on the one hand, with another — it is the same game in life as something different, we have arranged with the money. I as a mother, I wish he was not disappointed then.
Masha, well, why different? I just like Eric. When I began private practice I earned the money put in a special envelope, got out, counted, shifted, it was a great pleasure! This for me, as for Erica, lots of games and joy.
I was just talking about this. About the money, there are lots of some stereotypes. Including that money is very serious. And don't play them. Yes I do play! — Yes, exactly. This used to be a stereotype. How's this stereotype about the fact that the big money is earned with great efforts ("blood and sweat") to remove?
No need to delete anything. If you (for example, saying "thee") does not interfere with this stereotype, and you're okay until the "blood and sweat" to earn — and please. If it gets in the way, then either he himself will leave, but if not will leave — here's the time to ask for help, understand, how is this belief came from, and why it is need now from what protects.
For example, if suddenly people will gladly begin to make money, he will be ashamed. Because "as it's for fun and to get money"? The work is hard, "easily not pull a fish out of water". But if pleasure and money did not seem necessary to take, well it's good for me. In General, strange things can occur. But when they see that it is already possible to do. They sometimes leave the seen.
Even stereotypes, in particular, this is a simplification of the world. These blinders that prevent us from seeing the greater part of reality. Well, someone money come through great effort. But it happens the other way. Here I'm not working, I sit in the decree. Live in prosperity. I don't sweat (at least not from work) and blood do not expire. I got the money from her husband. Because I'm beautiful, and my husband picked a great. Yes, smart more. And it would, of course, was sweating.
Jokes aside, but these represent a very narrow human view of the world, of course. And hiding some truth about himself: and what for me is so straining? And make the person as if nonfree is not responsible for your relationship with money. As if it's a given this constant, through the efforts of only money, "what can I do, so the world is arranged".
— And if you do, that something will happen, sanctions, degradation, war, and all have to plow? Or the financial crisis and the money runs out?
It can be. You can live in the illusion that you are in control. You can live in the illusion that your life will be only joy and happiness, and never will be anything wrong. Only this illusion. Their maintenance takes a lot of energy and they are trying to protect us from tremendous anxiety, perhaps even crush it. Anxiety on the fact that it is unpredictable, that life is death, loss, grief. In any life.
Can we expect large financial losses. Or loss of their traditional way of life. I'm not a predictor. If that happens — annoy, we could relive, cry, stand up and move on. I can see that.
Now, however, there are a lot of anxiety. And anxiety as arranged, she says: "what if..." and then a nightmare. And that this nightmare is usually not clear. "What if the money runs out?". Suppose. But the kind of life never ends. Then what happens when the money runs out? Often there is more resistance when you realize that still life will go on. Unless, of course, will not die.
It was 2008 when a lot of people lost their jobs. Was the 90s, when my family lost the money invested in pyramid schemes. My grandfather, when I was little, opened me a savings account, so by 16 I had enough money. In my 16 the money was worth nothing, all burned in inflation. Sorry? Sorry. But life goes on nonetheless. And how much ahead of different.
I'm not saying that we should not be afraid or alarmed. There's a lot I'm afraid and worry a lot. But there is some stability and support. For me, it is that while I'm alive — I'll be there. Even if I lose everything. I have it arranged like this internal dialogue between the "inner child", who is afraid and anxious because of what is happening, and the "inner mother" that says: "I'll always be with you whatever happens". And also helps this "inner woman" that knows that a long life might be: death, separation, loss, but also love, joy, intimacy, pleasure. And all this makes life very rich. Look at the people who have experienced tragic events. I remember a Chechen woman, whom I once talked. She's younger than me, in her life there was everything, including war and loss of loved ones. I remember her as one of the most bright, peaceful and happy people I have ever met. Here it is for me one of the most beautiful incarnations of this "inner woman". Although it is better without war, of course.
— We have turned a very Mature conversation about us and our relationship with money.
Generally, the money is such a big theme is how relationships with people, for example. And calculate what the child will have relationship with money is complicated, so many factors influence, which is not about the money. Well, for example, the ability applies to errors as to the experience, not be afraid of them. Many stories of successful businessmen — they mean it. About how many losses and errors before earned money. And that is an experience, not a reason to drop everything and declare himself a loser.
Or the ability to get out of your comfort zone and take risks. When a person has a lot of very anxiety inside, it is difficult to withstand the uncertainty. This could be, when in his experience so it was unpredictable, in particular the parent was unpredictable in their behavior, not reliable, did not support, then such a person will prefer to sit on a stable work with low wages, because so familiar, of course, afraid to change something, "suddenly it will be even worse." Any money, to survive in such trouble.
Or there are people who are perfectly able to earn money, lots of money. However, their identity is very tied to the money. And loss of money is a huge disaster. If children were valued for bringing the rating, for some achievements, because they can increase parental self-esteem (remember we talked about the children as about the projects?) — so they will take themselves through the achievements. And may very well learn to reach, including wealth. But this is an internal tragedy of this man when he is what he is.
— Kate, this template is straight to the point. Think a lot of myself in him knew – including myself.
Including to others. Therefore, the relationship with money — it's also a question of a stable identity, when I define myself positively, regardless of how much I earn today and have.
Or, for example, people sometimes hesitate to name the price of their services. And it's not about about money, it's about attitude, about the fear of evaluation about the shame.
Or girls who are all "I". And take money from men this is impossible, because it is impossible to detect their vulnerability, dependence, need. And it's great that they "themselves". But this is something they not receive, as well as those who themselves can not earn.
In General, relations with money so much, what kind, and not about money at all. So I don't believe in any "10 simple tips on how to teach children to handle money". I have all the difficult and tedious: to understand, to build relationships with the child that he was able to withstand anxiety, had a strong sense of "I'm good", understand their preferences, treat mistakes as an inevitable important experiences, etc. What here simple tips.published
Kate Boudec talked Masha Varand
Also interesting: how much will you pay me for a fiver? The scheme of the "Desire-Obstacle-Prize": the motivation system for a child