7 ways to avoid becoming someone else's child

How much time ideally should be done with the children? What if because of busy parents this time sorely lacking? What is interesting and useful to engage with the child in its different ages? And if there is a situation when a parent participation in children of just desirable? His recommendations shared with us psychologists Catherine and Eugene Demin Paison.

Do not think about the time

It's not how much time you spend with the children, and how you spend it. In English, there is even a special concept of quality time - quality time, ie the time that a person with benefit and pleasure holds in the company of loved ones. Even if you are dealing with a child than two hours a day, and only fifteen minutes - it can be beautiful fifteen minutes, is much more valuable and meaningful, than two hours an empty squabble, notation, joint boredom

. Time no one, absolutely. And the work left unfinished, dirty windows, the apartment is a mess, the Internet once again someone is wrong. But washed windows get dirty again, the Internet someone is always wrong, disorder in the apartment back. And children grow up and never will be small. And it is not us to them, and they with us will be bored.

American doctor Harley Rothbart in a magazine for «Parental Magazine» advises parents to imagine in the most busy and crazy days with the children, the children have grown up and left home; their cluttered rooms are clean and empty it in the back seat of the car there are no crumbs on the cabinet shelves gathering dust gently placed toys, all washable under control ... clean and empty ... and then come back to the present day - and remember that these moments fuss fleeting and fleeting.

So how much time to devote to the children? How much do you have. The main thing that got it this time only for children, not spent on anything else.

"There are thirty minutes minutes before going to bed - well. There are forty - perfect! Any hour - great! - Says Eugene Paison. - But it must be time for a child only. No computer, no TV, no phone, no conversations with other people at this time should not be. For the child it is necessary to face.

Some mothers prefer to talk with children when preparing dinner, his back to the children. When you are with someone talking - it is necessary to look at him. If you look at potatoes - you are talking with potatoes. It is not necessary to raise important questions, if you have only five minutes free - take the time to have a serious talk with the child, if necessary

. And no vyvolochek and quarrels for half an hour before going to bed! This is a time of joyful and relaxing communication. At this time, you can read and talk about the future, to play, to discuss why some dinosaurs were tall, long-necked and others, but can not swear. »

Do not overfeed care

Another parent extreme - striving every minute spent with a child, fill Educational activities. Attach to the child as much as possible "useful information", vigorously develop it, come what may. Itself saw in English (with a terrible accent and errors) in the zoo dad says his daughter: «Look, this is a tiger! Look how big is he! »In the zoo hot crowds.

Daughter tired of answering in Russian: "I'm hungry." Or here's another: on the beach Mother and son engaged in mathematics. Small boy, math is complicated, persevering mother. Boy sighs and decides to solve ... and sighs ...

Parents very much want the child to be culturally and intellectually developed. And that means - a museum and science-fiction films, computer Tutorials and excursions, good books and world cinema classics ... A child resists. Why? Because it takes such educational itching as pressure, as aggression.

"Once there is an idea to" invest "- begins an aggressive interaction, - says Catherine Demin. - Non-aggressive interaction with your child - it is when you, or find a form to fill out his feelings, or lead him away. A "attachment" - a road to nowhere, is the realization of their own parental ambitions. A child should not get the meaning of your life. And it turns out that the freedom of choice and it does not have - my mother kept it to something drags »

. And it so happens that the parents are to their children a sort of "animators" Entertainer.

Answers to the question: how much time do you usually devote to joint exercises with your child

? Conscientious and diligent mother painstakingly come up with for their detushek interesting activities every day - and finally noticed that the children - instead of being delighted to pick up every creative activity, rather than to grow inventive and creative - do not want to do any household experiences nor needlework, and do not take themselves very able. They sit like chicks with open beaks, and wait for the mother to bring something interesnenkogo, and even capricious, it offers boring.

How did it happen? And it's simple: these studies were needed mom than baby. It s important to feel good mom, she was trying to feed the baby the most delicious and the most interesting to take before he wants to eat and something to do. My mother, who devotes herself to the child, usually compensate their inner emptiness. Maybe she was lonely.

Maybe she has nothing else to do: did not work after graduation, but now it is difficult to confirm the qualifications, and work hard to look after thirty and time ... And all his frantic energy she throws on a child - and thinks that for his own use <. br>
But children grow up sooner or later - and the mother will live? People who live eventful life of its own, able to play in it and their children. When a man loves his job - it's contagious enthusiasm and the children pick up on their parents

. Finally, the child should be their own lives - and the parents can not replace his peers. "Watershed - where the ends junior school - explains Katherine Demin. - Now the child must turn in the direction of their peers, and their parents, he must be bored. In children and adults, time flows differently: we can not naedyatsya childhood of their child, we still want him to watch children's movies and play - and the child has grown up. His already have to let go and do their own thing. When adults remember what they did with my mother - they remember every day

. "One day my mother and I were at sea ...", "one day we went to the movies ..." It was a rare and therefore festive. Children who are allowed to go about their business, able to organize themselves busy life. »

Do not replace the grandparents and friends

Best childhood memories - it's like my friends and I did sekretiki, allowed ships, caves dug in the snow and jumped on piles of autumn leaves

. But now, when the children's domestic culture almost died, our children no one can pass the sacred knowledge of how to do Tweeters from acacia pods and let the boats of bark or burnt matches on spring creeks. The children come to visit friends and do not want to go outside and want to sit at the computer?

Hence, it is necessary for parents to introduce children to the human experience. Both parents share found on the Internet lists - one hundred beautiful cases that have to do with the child ... But why is it so important to you to share with your child your childhood? Does not it, that this we need than the child that practicing with him - just a good excuse to indulge in nostalgia

? Of course, this touching picture - when a child asks his mother - "tell, they say, you had a little" - but to inquire about it, in an amicable way, it is necessary to grandparents. "Grandparents - explains Katherine Demin, - transmit the knowledge about life, kind of the way to live; Parents - establish rules and boundaries. If we want the child to understand and feel the nature, he was able to live in it - it is necessary to take him into a real village, detached from the plate, take away from civilization - then the children there quickly throughout the study. And the presence of the parents do not have to. »

If your child can not learn from the experience of other, older kids - and teach his own, but together with other children. "If a child is taught to let no boats, go a step further - advises Eugene Paison. - Take the child and a couple of his friends, and teach them to let boats and leave them alone. Take them to the park, to the forest and show them how to do something wonderful - and let them do it, but for yourself. Let the communication with parents will be an impetus to children was fun with friends. You can become that older generation, which transmits sacred knowledge younger. Today's children do not know how to play? Teach them - and let them play »

. No, it does not mean that children do not have to deal with that enjoyed in childhood. Just to remember that his mother can not become a playmate. Hobbies mom is not necessary to run with a ten-year son on the garages and construction sites: it is inappropriate and unsafe


Answers to the question: How much time do you devote to dialogue, joint exercises with your children (respondents could mark up to four items)

"In our childhood was not a place where it is safe to climb, - says Eugene Paison. - Now there are climbing walls and rope park - where you can and climb and run around safely; have rollers, scooters and bicycles - and joint participation in such matters a lot to say about the child's parents, and the parents of the child. But hiding under the covers with a flashlight or doing house of the chairs is better with friends. they need to take care of that child had company - - Parents can not replace a child and friends so that they can themselves take »

. Do not start anything without children

For each age - their appropriate classes: with a little extra will not talk with a teenager, it seems, is not to play, and not porisuesh ... Parent fantasy in general is dwindling fast: well, there is a free holiday, and what it take? It depends on the age.

How to communicate with the smallest? Not all parents are delighted with the need to indulge in endless Okay machines or skating with their little ones. "Well, now there is an alternative mother - she would have sat in the social networks - ironically Katerina Demin. - Would you like cars? Take a sling, stroller, go where you like. The child is also useful new experience. »

A small child, knowing the world around you - it's home games. Preschool age - is tinkering with cereals and pans, paper and glue, carrots and apples, clay and paint, cubes, and cars. This idea of ​​the shape, color, weight, texture. On the behavior of things. About the position of the body in space. These are the games that require control of his body and classification of objects.

Senior preschool age - the child develops the human world - the world around him - so we play with him in the role play, help to understand the different models of human behavior, to solve complex problems of mutual relations. We drive it on to the world, help him develop it, make contact with him - to make purchases, borrow books at the library, go to transport

. Now it is very helpful to go to the post office and watch as travel writing, to look like the store brought the goods, unloaded in the port of containers, the fishermen pulled the network as a cobbler mends boots. See how to cook and sew clothes as drive cars and trains, assistance in preparing and repair - it is now, then it will be interesting. "If you need to screw in a light bulb or repair the crane - do not start to repair anything without children," - advises Harley Rothbart. Already start workshops and excursions to production. Long evening walks without a specific purpose - is also a great time for conversation and discovery

. Younger school age - the study of the workings of the physical world. The ideal time to discover science museums and home runs. It's time to germinate the seeds, arrange volcanoes, launch rockets and to build a Lego worlds. Looking at insects under a microscope and lunar craters with binoculars to study the names of herbs and flowers, to lure the bees honey, photograph scary spider macro, disassemble mushrooms for edible and inedible, Eskimo igloo and build snow forts.

But with the secondary school age they have become not very interesting to us. They already want to communicate with their peers. And then the game gradually replaced by reading and talking about what they care about. However, you still need to play - although parents have no idea what

. Meanwhile, there are many beautiful table, floor and team games that are interesting and adults, not only middle school students; by association "Dixie" to "Carcassonne" from the ridiculous rolling "Twister" to the collective "Hats" or "Crocodile" - where it is necessary to explain the hidden word descriptions, definitions, gestures, pictures ...

Games endlessly helpful - and develop motor skills, thinking, social behavior, erudition, creativity is not worse than schoolwork, and even better. Experts advise to play with children and their favorite computer games: a joint party, say, "Conquistador" online - an excellent pastime


Do not get carried away "childish" things

It is not necessary to engage with the child only specifically "childish" things. There is a general principle: Doing what you love for yourself. "It's like therapy - treats not a method, and a contact - says Katherine Demin. - Involve the child in the business - get partner

passion. " Take it to an interesting concert of parents do not drive out of the room when he came to an interesting guest - even if the child is silent and listens, sometimes it is the memory of a lifetime; take with you to work - let see, what parents do, let them look at the unusual, the other in the unusual role of distant and important professionals; put him to help with the translation, ask him for tickets proekzamenovat mother traffic - they are also very useful

. It is very useful to watch them with their favorite TV shows and discuss what the characters are doing, why, why, if they are right as it was necessary to do what the error experience for them ... We once watched as a kid, "rennet"; the film - it is an occasion to have a conversation with your child about the importance

. Are not going well with him no reason to conduct preventive conversations about why we must doslushivat man until the end, or to ask for forgiveness, and to be careful in some situations ... Teenage series, no matter how silly they may seem to parents - a textbook of life for younger only entering into a dangerous age.

Teenagers from parents have less need picnics and joint cooking, although some do not mind the old memory to bake a pie, or go play in the "sea battle" - just for a little child fun. It is important to maintain contact and the ability to speak; Here the children can have fun to help parents in difficult cases; here for collaboration, joint repair, joint planning.

Many people like to joint outputs in a restaurant or a large shopping center - only when you've gone with the child somewhere together, do not be distracted every five minutes on the phone, do not lecture, do not interrupt the baby if he says something, and do not get involved in the fierce debate. Talk about your day, your friends, your observations - you can. Explain to him that he is wrong - it is impossible. Fool around - you need

! You can teach teens to drive. Go with them to the movies of their choice. You can with them to rearrange their room or bathroom - even re-stick wallpaper, painted the walls, choose the style of interior. You can cook with them, especially if they are going to feed friends. Walk with them in the game, if they are interested in sports, and concerts if the music. Take them with you to work - albeit drawn! Arrange "pampering day" - when Mom and Dad indulge their rampant malyutochku - and evening games. In the end it turns out that teenagers are not as nasty as they want to appear.

Do not open a branch school

No, all this is fine in theory, but in practice Mom comes home at night, sits with the baby for algebra - and all night down the drain. And all communication - these are the lessons and around the lessons, because they are not always made, and school problems forever. Here, I'm sorry, not to the sea battle and not to self-indulgence.

Resist the constant questioning about the child made or unmade lessons causes twos and complaints of teachers - is incredibly difficult, especially if he learns not too good. Now, when schools were electronic diaries, parents began anxiously to watch the progress of children in the online mode, to meet them from the school with questions about the top three in algebra and a long time to sit with the kids for homework.

But the time spent preparing lessons - this is not the time to communicate with the child. Тут вообще нужно заранее выстроить для себя систему приоритетов: что в общении с ребенком для вас более важно, что менее, от чего приходить в ужас, а что спускать на тормозах.

«Как учеба вашего ребенка влияет на вас? — спрашивает Катерина Дёмина. — Чья это проблема? Почему вас так беспокоит, считают ли вас хорошей матерью или плохой? Вы считаете, это правильно, что вас оценивают в зависимости от учебы ребенка? Почему вы слушаете от учителей гадости? Зачем вам брать на себя ответственность за учебу ребенка? С ним не надо бесконечно сидеть над уроками — это его зона ответственности. Это у него, а не у вас, должны быть неприятности, если он плохо учится. И если маму каждый тыкает носом в лужу за то, что у нее ребенок плохо учится — значит, мама в этой семье не взрослый, а ребенок».

Нормально организованная помощь с домашней работой — это когда ребенок работает сам, потому что это нужно ему, а не маме, а мама приходит на помощь, когда ему трудно. Мама-помощник — да. Мама-надзиратель — нет. Если мама полностью берет на себя ответственность за учебу ребенка — ребенок быстро перепоручает эту ответственность ей. И учится теперь не потому, что ему это важно, нужно, интересно — а потому, что это нужно маме.

Дом — это дом, а не филиал школы. Стояние над душой за уроками — это не «качественное время».

«Бывает, разведенные мамы жалуются: вот, теперь у ребенка отец-праздник, который с ним проводит выходные, и мама-монстр, которая все время его тиранит, — говорит Катерина Дёмина. — Ну так оставьте себе праздник».

Не забывайте вместе строить планы

Прекрасная и полезная часть детства — походы и путешествия. Правда, в нашем детстве все было сложнее и героичнее. «Туда автобусом, потом электричкой, потом пешком, — говорит Катерина Дёмина. — А сейчас посадили ребенка на заднее сиденье, дали планшет — и три часа потеряны для жизни»… А ведь их можно было потратить с пользой и смыслом.

Как именно? Привлекать ребенка к планированию — выходных ли, путешествий ли. «Придумайте вместе с ребенком, чем вы будете заниматься в каждые выходные в течение месяца, — советует Евгения Пайсон. — Запишите его идеи и свои идеи на бумажках, перемешайте их и к выходным вытягивайте по бумажке, так получите разнообразную культурную программу, и все будут довольны. Помните, когда планируете, что ребенок может воспринимать образовательные развлечения как работу, а не как отдых, и учитывайте это. И постарайтесь, продумывая дела на выходных, распланировать их так, чтобы у ребенка было несколько часов времени с каждым из родителей».

Кстати, гендерные роли давно перемешались: есть мамы, которые любят рыбачить, и папы, которые прекрасно готовят. Главное правило — прежнее: занимайтесь с ребенком тем, что доставляет вам удовольствие.

«Папам обычно больше нравится всякая возня и физические упражнения, мамы лучше помогают с уроками и больше любят мелкую работу вроде бисероплетения», — замечает Катерина Дёмина. Если папа любит возиться в гараже, а мама — печь тортики, или папа — фотографировать, а мама — изучать поведение птиц — прекрасно; привлекайте к этому детей. «А вот тупить вдвоем с папой на диване в телевизор — это не годится», — говорит Евгения Пайсон.

В общем, выключаем телефон, отклеиваемся от компьютера, придумываем план — и радуемся жизни и своему ребенку.
Автор: Ирина Лукьянова


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