Gorgeous, very simple and profound lecture psychologist the Alfred Langley, which is to listen, to understand a little more about love
Love is a big topic. It's so great theme that I have some awe talk about it.
This is a topic with which we are all familiar, but the experience that we have, is very different.
Most of us know the happiness that can be associated with love. But many of us know well the suffering that may be associated with love. And some may be familiar with the desperation that may be associated with love. Despair, which can reach up to such an extent that no one wants to live.
The theme of love covers a lot. We know a lot of areas in which there is love - love of parents, children, partners, art, nature, animals ...
We know that love is the central theme of Christianity. Agape. Love for one's neighbor. What is love for one's neighbor? There are many ways to love. We can, for example, have a platonic love, sublimated maintaining distance. We can worry about bodily love. We can love the sadistic and masochistic, and so on. D ... What a variety of forms inherent in love.
And perhaps many of us have come here with a particular issue, which is associated with love ... With what question I have come here today? Do I want to know something ...
I plucked up the courage to talk about love when I realized how difficult it is today something really know about love. Where we learn what love can be, and how the love? Where we have knowledge about love?
Traditionally, an introduction to the theme of love gave religion. And today, it seems that such administration provides TV. And this situation it seems to be a man casts himself. What should he like that for himself open and find what love is. And what there is in fact it that the importance of love.
This has great advantage since due to the fact that a person finds something himself, he sharpens his own individual perception and their own individual experience. But maybe today we are paying too high a price for that advantage?
And as a psychotherapeutic school, to which I belong (this is a tradition of the school of existential therapy Viktor Frankl) has some emphasis in antoropologii on which it is based, to the picture of the world on which it rests, I have decided to say a few thoughts about this anthropology .
(To summarize once again the phrase (translated.) And as a psychotherapeutic school, to which I belong is based on Frankl developed some anthropologists, I permit myself to say a few words about this anthropology to consider it based on our theme.)
Maybe these ideas will help us to look more deeply on the phenomenon of love, and the importance it has in human life.
I want to start with the framework, with the bed on which lies the love
Love is a relationship.
I think it is clear to everyone. But it's not all relationships, and the special form of relationship. It is much more than just a relationship. Love this meeting. So I want to start with a few definitions that have a relationship and that there is a meeting.
The relationship there is some connection. Relations arise at the time when I see another person. At this point, I behave differently. I like to take into account the other person. On quite a basic level, I have a little attitude from which I can not remove myself just to extract. I relate their behavior, their life with others. If, for example, a person sitting in the chair, I can not just go and sit on a chair, because he is already sitting there. If a person standing in the doorway, I do not just go through the door as if he was not there.
All these basic forms of relations. If there was a man at the door, I would have walked through the door on the other than if there is one.
It contains some law which we are not aware of - I can not relate. If I see a person, I can not have a relationship to it. Or some object, not a person.
I take into account here is that object in my behavior. This is some basic form of relationship in which we are just by nature. And I am not free here. Here's how I build relationships, how I live with it - here is freedom. But the fact that the other person is, and it exists is a given. And when one person sees another person, he would like to enter into relationships.
But relations have another characteristic. Not only that they were inevitable, but going beyond that, they have a duration which never stops. If I was with some people meet, I have some history of relations. Whenever I meet him again, it turns out that I had once met him. And the history of our relationship affects our future relations, on the form of the relationship. If, for example, I'm with someone I went to school, it left its mark on all of our relationships. And even if we then get married, it is still the history of these relations will be present in this marriage.
Here is the slenderness of relations we realize especially if we are working, for example, with the patient, and then we start to develop what is private relations. This is a very complex and difficult relationship. And we, as psychologists have strictly to be ethically correct. Because there may occur very quickly some wounds and other serious consequences. Because the relationship of the therapist and the client, they are, even when we enter into another relationship.
Relationships have the characteristic that the history of relations becomes an integral part of the relationship, it is stored inside them. Everything that happened between us, it is stored. Every hurt, every joy, every disappointment, every beauty, all stored in the history of relations. And the imprint on our collective existence. Therefore, it is important to approach relations responsibly. Because we can not do something is occurring. What once happened - will remain.
Relationships are fed through the time that people spend with each other, and through proximity.
These things - time and intimacy - are catering to a relationship.
The first point that I said - people enter into a relationship just for the fact of its presence in prostranstve.Koe that even on this point. Along with that is automatic, there is still some space. I can either enter into these relationships, or to refrain from them.
I can enter into these relationships, if I want these relations. Then I spoke to the man, telling something about themselves, etc. But if I do not want to have a relationship, so I'm trying not to join them. And closes. Nevertheless, in relation to the reference plane is. But it's a relationship that we do not feed, do not grow.
To nourish the relationship, we need time, time for each other. This is the time makes it possible to grow the relationship. Nurture relationships need all that - time and proximity. When we love, we want to spend time with each other. When we have time, love dies.
Time for Love - the same as the sun and the leading plant. Same with intimacy. Proximity also nurtures relationships. Who wants to build a relationship, he is looking for intimacy with others.
People often ask me ... What to do with separation - it promotes love or prevent it? And the best answer I found in the proverb "Separation and tear of love are like the wind." As the wind on fire. If the fire is small, the wind will blow it. If large, the wind will blow it. Is not it a beautiful analogy? My experience matches.
Thus, the relationship is a basis.
Meeting - is an event that can be described as a point event on the time line. Because the meetings are always in relationship. Only there where I have contact. But the meeting has a different character than the relationship. The meeting is pointed. It is connected with the moment. If I meet you at the meeting, I see you as a person, the person.
I was wondering what is important to you, that excites you I say that I care about. then we dialog. Some exchange occurs so that the person is important. It vstrecha.Zatem we say goodbye, and this meeting is completed. The meeting bears the stamp of openness and dialogue. Relations saved. But attitudes change because each meeting. Date affect the nature of the relationship.
Good relationships grow out of meetings. When we meet each other on the plane I and Thou, if we look into the eyes - it nourishes the relationship. If the relations are few or no meetings, the relationship weakened. If this strong relationship, even with a small number of meetings, relations are preserved.
People can be separated for a few years (the war or any other events) and suddenly they meet again. They immediately recognized in the other what they mean to the other person. Maybe you have had such an experience that you meet a friend after many years ... and maybe you do not immediately know ... but as soon as you start talking, you immediately know ... and say, "Look, you're the same as before." < br />
The relationship can be saved. But they will not be updated without the date of the meeting.
Well, I said something about some of the grounds of love, which is in a relationship. And a renewal and deepening of relations through the meeting through.
Now I want to say a few words about what we mean by personal love. But I want to build it on the basis of our experience.
What is characteristic of love that goes beyond simply relations and meetings? What we experience when we love?
The first point is absolutely clear - we are experiencing the value. We experience that we like this man. We feel that this person means something to us, that our heart is attracted to this man. That our heart is attracted to this man. We feel a connectedness with the person that we both belong to each other.
This applies not only to love the other person, but in general to love - and love for music, art, psihologiiJ .... We feel that we like, we are interested in, it attracts us.
Thus, some specificity of love - this is some positive emotions. Or, expressed in the form of activity is a feeling.
What is the feeling? What do I do when I feel something. And what happens to me when I feel. For example, when I listen to music, and I understand that this music wants to tell me what it means to me. The feeling I'm open and I give something to operate on me. I give it something to do something with me. I let the music enter into me. And Ka to capture the harmony, the beauty in me. And I I adopt the sound of musical harmony in my heart.
Feel mean that I give my inner life in order. What I give something to come to his heart. Thus, in a sense, my life starts to move, something moves me. Emotion leads me inside to move. Feelings awaken in me my life.
Love must be feeling. Love should be held at this level, otherwise it is not love. Only when something touched my life based on my vitality, if I can survive that is something awakens in my life that I wake up to life, then it is love.
In love I experience how other people regard me as if he touches my heart and strokes it. It is not sentimental. This is a profound relation to the adoption of their own lives. My life, which, thanks to this music, this film, thanks to the animal, and, of course, primarily due to another person, that's all for me so that my heart starts jumping.
Love, therefore, the value of this experience. It's different, it's the music, I experienced as something valuable. The experience value associated with this emotion. Only the value that can be felt existentially is relevant.
The second paragraph, which describes our experiences - this time touching the other values to me, the experience of resonance. Feeling a deep appeal to me. This feeling does not arise from some of the pressure on me, my needs, but it arises from the resonance, this flutter.
This being the most profound in me, innermost, it begins to vibrate, because it corresponds to a different vibration. Because I appeal to you some. You touch me. You're interesting to me. This is a relationship between my I and your I, it shall enter into resonance.
Because somewhere deep in the foundations we are related. We do not know how, but we begin to love. Maybe sometimes you can hear, or so we are told, if we get to know someone or someone we love, the feeling is as if I had always known this man. Because in essence, a person is much closer to that person somewhere in the depths, and feels akin to man.
This experience resonance with another chelovka this profound phenomenological vision of the essence of the other person. Through my being I can see your creature. Karl Jasper once said:
"Over the years, a woman becomes more beautiful, but sees it loves».
Scheller had seen in the highest form of love phenomenological human capabilities. He said that we see it in the other the highest possible value. Not only that it is, but what it can be, that it is still dormant. This sleeping beauty who sleeps. We see that from it can be.
In love, we see a man in his potentiality. Goethe had a similar vision. He says that love makes us sighted in relation to another, but not only that it is, but also what it could be.
It is therefore important that we should love our children, it gives them the opportunity to grow to its potential. We see that this child may be able to play an instrument, and the other is happy when solves a math problem. We see that slumbers in children. And if we love them, we want to contribute to the development of these potentials and to awaken them.
Loving, he has a sense that through the experience of resonance we belong to each other, and if I'm with you, I think you have, that I cause with thee. My closeness to you is beneficial to your potential. And experiencing the opposite - your closeness to me, your presence makes me good and beneficial for my potential. I could be more myself, and you, too, himself.
The nice thing about a generalization of this item did Dostoevsky: "Love - is to see man as God intended it." This means, phenomenological, as it potentially could be, with all the potential that it doze.
What we're going through?
So, we are experiencing the value and impact. And we are experiencing the third paragraph. This is some of the positions.
The two positions, two special relationship is in the way of love. On the basis of experience values and resonance in me a position is a decision that "the good that you have».
A loving experience profound joy from what you are. What's this here as it is. Maybe not everything is perfect, but who loves taking it all with its shortcomings. And from this position "well, that you are" loving wishes to support another person in his life, his existence.
We want to do everything that the other was good in his life, his being.
And on this basis, there is another position, another form of relationship - a loving active in the support of others. The lover wants another kind. It seeks to ensure that protect others from suffering. He does not want something evil committed in another. But he wants the developed and the quality of his life is increased. And he wants to make this active contribution.
Augustine describes love this way: "I love, and so I want you to be able to." I have this idea called the central idea of love in general. This makes generating love, productive. Love becomes the basis for a common future.
So, what we experience in love: we are experiencing the value of the other person, we are going through resonance, we are experiencing the impulse to another was good, and loving, to put it simply wants to do to the other was good.
Therefore, in the moment of love found solutions. It is also a solution. Together we can do more than that if we are alone.
The next point is that love wants reality. She wants to be embodied in the soil, in reality. Love draws us to live it, to implement it.
What do we do when we love? We, for example, we give flowers, gifts may be preparing each other something. Thus all forms in which love is materialized. Man wants to live for another person. At least in some of its parts.
And love love partner wants beauty. (Except for the love of children, of course).
Love does not want to remain only in dreams, fantasies. At least, if beauty is not possible, then at least write a poem :)
Love wants the truth. She wants to become true. Love does not tolerate lies, non-truth. When we love, we believe it is easier to another person.
The last point - wants to love the future. Duration, conservation.
This is true?