The best lecture on the phenomenon of love Professor Alfried Laengle

Gorgeous, very simple and profound lecture of the German psychologist Alfried Laengle, which is worth a listen to understand a little more about love.


Love is a big topic. It's so great topic, I have some awe to talk about it. This is a topic with which we are all familiar, but the experience that we have, is very different.

Most of us know the happiness that can be associated with love. But many of us also know the suffering that can be associated with love. Some may be familiar with the frustration that can be associated with love. Despair which may reach such a degree that you don't want to live.

The theme of love covers a lot. We know many of the areas in which love has a place – the love of parents, children, partners, art, nature, animals... And, perhaps, many of us came here with a question that is related with love... what kind of question I here today? If I want to know something..

I found the courage to speak about love, when I realized how hard today is something to really learn about love. Where we learn what love can be and how the love? Where we have knowledge about love?

Traditionally, the introduction to the theme of love gave religion. And today it seems that this introduction gives TV. And here is the situation, it is as if a man casts himself. He needed something for himself to open and find what love is. And what are they actually talking about what's important in love.

This is a great advantage, because due to the fact that the person finds something for himself, he sharpens his own individual perception and your own individual experience. But maybe today we are paying a very high price for this advantage?

Maybe these thoughts will help us to more deeply look at the phenomenon of love and the importance it has in human life. I want to begin with the framework with the bed, which is love.


Love is relationship
I think it is clear to everyone. But this is not the General relationship and special relationship. It is much more than just relationships. Love is meeting. So I want to start with a few descriptions that there is a relationship, and that is the meeting.

Relationship is some kind of connection. Relations arise at the moment when I see another person. At this point I'm acting differently. I would take into consideration the other person. On a completely basic level I have some attitude where I can't just take out, to extract. I relate your behavior, your life with others. If, for example, a person sitting on a chair, I can't just go and sit on a chair, because he's already sitting. If a man stands in the doorway, I will not go just through the door, as if it's not there.

All the basic forms of relations. If there was no human being in the door I would walk through the door differently than if it's there.

It contains some law that we don't know that I can't relate. If I see someone I can't have a relationship to it. Or some object, not a person.

I consider this object in my behavior. This is some basic form of relationship in which we is just in their nature. And I'm not free here. Here's how I build relationships, I live with it – here is freedom. But what the other person is, and there is this. And when one person sees another person, he would have to enter into a relationship.

But the relationship have another feature. Not only their inevitability, but beyond that, they have a duration that never ends. If I'm with a man meet, I have some history of relationships. Always, when I see him again, it turns out that I had once met him. And the history of our relationship affects our future relationships, to the relationship. For example, if I'm with someone I went to school, it will influence all our relationships. And even if we get married then, anyway the history of these relations is in the marriage to attend.

This suptilnost relations we recognize in particular if we work with the patient and then we begin to develop what the private relationship. This is a very complex and difficult relationship. And we as psychologists need to be vigilant, to remain ethically correct. Because there can be some wounds, and other serious consequences. Because this relationship of therapist and client, they remain even when we enter into other relationships.

Relations have such a characteristic that the history of relations becomes an integral part of a relationship, it's saved inside them. Everything between us has happened, it continues. Every hurt, every joy, every disappointment, every sexuality, all history relations. And affects our shared existence. It is therefore very important to approach responsibly. Because we can't do something that hadn't happened. What happened will remain.
These things are time and proximity are some food relationships. The first point I mentioned, people enter into relationships just for the fact of its presence in space. Something else about this item. Along with what happens automatically, there is still some free space. I can either enter these relationships, or to refrain from them.

Can I be in this relationship if I want this relationship. Then I spoke with this person, tell something about yourself etc. But if I don't want to have a relationship then I'm trying not to join them. And close. However, in the reference plane relationship is. But this is a relationship that we don't have, not grown.

To nourish relationships, we need time, time for each other. This time allows the relationship to grow. To nurture relationships need all this time and closeness. When we love, we want to waste each other's time. When we have no time, love dies.

Time for love — the same as the sun and water for plants. The same with intimacy. Intimacy: relationships. Who wants to build a relationship, he is looking for intimacy with others.

I am often asked... What to do with the separation — it promotes love, or prevent it? And the best answer I found in the proverbial "Separation and rupture of the act on the love is like the wind." As wind to fire. If the fire is small the wind will blow it. If there's big wind it will blow. Isn't it a nice example? My experience is consistent.
So, the relationship is a basis.

A meeting is an event that can be described as a point event on the timeline. Because the meetings are always in relationship. Only where I have a contact. But the meeting has a different character than the relationship. A meeting point. It is associated with the moment. If I meet you in the meeting I see you as a person, person.

I wonder what you matter that you care I say what I care about. then we are in dialogue. There's sort of a sharing what is personally important. This is a meeting.Then we say goodbye, and this meeting ends. At the meeting, bears the stamp of openness and dialogue. The relationship is stored. But the relationship thanks to every meeting change. Meetings affect the nature of the relationship.

Good relationships grow out of meetings. If we meet each other on the plane me and You, if we look into the eyes — all this nourishes the relationship. If the relationship few or no meetings, then the relationship is weakened. If it's a strong relationship, even with a small number of meetings, the relationship is stored.

People can be separated within a few years (a war or some other event) and suddenly they meet again. They immediately recognized in each other what they mean to the other person. Maybe you have had this experience, that you meet after many years... And maybe you didn't know... but once you start talking, you immediately know... and say " Hey, you're the same as before."

The relationship can be saved. But they are not without aktualisierte time of the meeting. Well, I said something about some Foundation of love that is in a relationship. And through renewal and through deepening relationships through meeting. Now, I want to say a few words about what we mean by personal love. But I want to build it on the basis of our experiences.
What is characteristic of love, which goes beyond just relationships and meetings? What we experience when we love?
The first point is quite clear — we are experiencing value. We are experiencing that we like this man. We feel that this person means something to us, that our heart is tied to this person. That our heart is tied to this person. We feel the connectedness with this person that we kind of belong to each other.

This applies not only to love another person, but in General, to love and to the love of music, art, psychology.... We feel that we like, we want, we attract it.

Thus, some specificity of love is some positive emotion. Or expressed in the form of some activity is the feeling.

That means feeling? What I do when I feel something. And what happens to me when I feel. For example, when I listen to music, and I realize this music wants to tell me what she means to me. The feeling I'm open give anything to get to me. I give this thing something to do with me. I allow the music to enter me. Ka to capture the harmony, the beauty in me. And I adopt this sound of music tune into my heart.

To feel means that I am the life placed at the disposal. I'm giving something up to her heart. Thus, in a sense, my life starts moving, something is moving in me. Feelings lead me inside into motion. Feelings awaken in me my life.

Love must be feeling. Love should be held on this level, otherwise it is not love. Only if something touched my life based, to my vitality, if I can survive that is something that awakens in me the life that I awake to life, that is love.

In love, I worried how the other person touches me like he touches my heart and stroking him. It's not sentimentality. It is a deep acceptance of the relationship to their own lives. My life, which thanks to this music, this picture, thanks to this animal, and, of course, primarily because of the other person, it's all so involves me, that my heart starts to jump.

Love, therefore, is an experience value. This is different, this music is experienced by me as something valuable. Experiencing the values connected with this emotion. Only the value that can be felt existentially relevant.

The second paragraph, which describes our experiences this moment of touching the other values to me, is an experience of resonance. A sense of deep interest to me. This feeling arises from some of the pressure on me my needs, but it arises out of the resonance, such a flutter.

This being the deepest in me, most inward, it begins to vibrate, due to the fact that it corresponds to the vibration of the other. Because I kind of drawn to You. You touch me. You're interesting to me. Here is some kinship between my I and your I it resonate.

Because somewhere in the deep foundations we are related. We don't know how, but we begin to love. Maybe sometimes you can hear, or we ourselves said, if we meet someone or love someone, the feeling is as if I always knew. Because in essence, man is much closer to that person somewhere in the depths, and feels akin to that person.

This experience of resonance with another person is a profound phenomenological vision of the essence of another person. Through my being I can see the merits of yours. Carl Jasper once said: "over the years, a woman becomes more beautiful, but just loving to see this."

Sheller saw in love the highest form of the phenomenological possibilities of man. He said that we see in another of its maximum possible value. Not only that he is, but what it can be, that there is still Napping. This sleeping beauty who sleeps. We see what it could become.

In love we see a man in his potentiality. Goethe had a similar vision. He says that love makes us sighted in relation to the other, but not only that he is, but what it could be.

Therefore it is very important that we love our children, it gives them the opportunity to grow to its potential. We see that this child, maybe could play the instrument, and the other is pleased when solves a math problem. We see that sleep in children. And if we love them, we want to contribute to the development of these potentials and awaken them.

Loving, he has a sense that through this experience of resonance, we belong together, and if I'm with you, I think you're right, I am doing you good. My close to you beneficial to your potential. And experiencing the opposite — your body close to me, your presence makes me well and has a beneficial effect on my potential. I can be more of yourself, and you also yourself.

The most beautiful generalization of this item did Dostoevsky: “to love is to see man the way God intended it”. This means, phenomenologically, what it could potentially be, with all the potentials that are in it asleep. What we are experiencing?

So, we are experiencing the value and resonance. And yet we are experiencing the third paragraph. This certain position.

Two positions, two special way the relationship is in love. On the basis of experience values and resonance occurs in the I position, the decision that "it is good that you are."

Loving experiencing the deep joy that you are. That such is as it is. Maybe not perfect, but loving is taking it all with their flaws. And from this position "well, what you are", loving wants to support another person in his life, his existence.

We want to do everything that the other was good in his life, his existence.

And on this basis there is another position, another form of relationship — a loving, active in the support of the other. Loving wants another good. It strives to protect another from suffering. He doesn't want something evil was done to others. But he wants to be developing and the quality of life increased. And he wants to make their own active contribution.

Augustine described love as: "I love and so want you could be." I have this idea called the Central idea of love in General. It makes love generative, productive. Love becomes the basis for a common future.

Now that we are in love: we are experiencing the value of another person, we experience resonance, we experience an impulse to another was good, and loving, to put it simply, he wants to do to the other to feel good. So love contains the moment of decision. It is also a solution. Together we can do more than if we are alone.

The next point is that love wants a reality.

She wants to incarnate in the soil, in reality. Love draws us to live by it, implement it.

What do we do when we love? For example, we give flowers, gifts may be, we cook each other something. Thus all forms in which the love of materialized. Man wants to live for another person. At least in some of its parts.

And in the partnership of love love wants sexuality (except for the love of children, of course).

Love does not want to remain only in dreams, fantasies. At least if sexuality is impossible, then at least a poem to write:) Love wants the truth. She wants to be true. Love does not tolerate lies, not the truth. When we love, we are easier to believe another person.

The last paragraph — love wants to have a future. Duration of conservation.

She doesn't want tomorrow over what we experienced today. Because I like being with you, I want it to continued

Love wants to be productive, to bear fruit. That we together do something, give something to occur. And, of course, that love wants to have children. Which we have together, and received as a token of love. Swiss psychiatrist brought love into connection with the concern: "Love stems from the fact that we can do something for another, to take care of him, something to take in the future."


Now I want to ask a question about the psychological background of love. Why do we love?
Do we love because we find in the other something similar to us? Under "like drawn to like", or we love, on the contrary, because we are different, in accordance with the thesis of "opposites attract"?

As far as I know, the psychology of this dilemma is still not resolved. For both these cases have value. Such are familiar to us, can we rely on it. Helps me to accept it and myself better. This reinforces, strengthens me in my inner. Here there is autoerotique component or a component in narcissistic love.

A love for the opposite, to great, we are experiencing a restoration. The momentum from the fact that he is different, some growth.

In Christianity there is an interesting statement for this reason. The commandment of love of neighbor, which is known to us all as the commandment "love thy neighbor as thyself". If we take the original this phrase, it means: "Love your neighbor for he is like you".

The other, so he on the one side, and on the other hand, it is the same like.

What we seem to others, basically, in my heart, he's just like me. Therefore love of neighbor is openness. It requires openness to himself. To the fact that I was not accepted. If I took myself — I can take the same way and you the other. Far fewer differences between male and female, than we think at first sight.

Psychotherapy is often said that we must first love ourselves before you learn to love others.

Is that so? Yes and no. Here again both. Yes, in the sense that I need to go to bed, and thanks to this access yourself, it opens me access to another. As I am to myself, so in the future and to others.

But there is not. Because my love for oneself begins with loving others to me. Other people, for example, parents who love me, burn in me a love for myself.

And our love to ourselves is revealed only when others like us. Due to the love of others, I can find a way to love yourself. If my parents love me, I know I'm such a creature is worthy of love, I can love. And then the question arises – can I love you? And over time I'm learning.

And since parents love me no matter what, even if sometimes I don't behave, I'm not always perfect, but it makes me realize that I have something valuable that is worthy of love. And it puts me in love to yourself.

On the basis of this love to yourself, through this feeling in me, in my depths contains something that is worthy of love, I get some sensitivity in relation to another. It opens my eyes, I can see that we can love another.
And the other has a desire to experience me fully. If I am willing to accept this invitation, and I kind of agree on this, then I really love. And then love really becomes a passion.

And it makes me ready for suffering. Hasidic wisdom says loving another feels hurt. As we love, we feel that the other is causing pain.

Thus, love makes a man ready to take on the suffering. For example, for children, for the sake of a loved one. Because because I love, I can't just put in trouble, I want to make you welcome, even if to me it will be expensive.

Love begets suffering, and suffering is very diverse. It causes depression, which can burn our heart. From neispolnenie of limitations, we can cause each other pain. Not even wanting it.

If I suffer, loving and suffering with me. Suffering in love is always divided suffering. I may not be good, if you are not my favorite.

Sometimes we can suffer the fire of love, that burning, longing for unity and the longing in the desire to merge, which can never be fulfilled.

We are experiencing that ultimately, we separated, despite the fact that we are together.

We suffer from the fact that there is some inequality between us. With all the resonance, sympathy, the other did not I, is not identical with me. He could never match me in everything and fully, it was not me.

He experiences, thinks and feels still often different. And even in the closest love I'm a little left alone.

And this can sometimes cause this restraint to the relationship. What is how to surrender completely to the relationship. Because the other is not quite perfect..waiting for the Man, maybe he's something more and better will meet. Well, if you don't, then we can be together. But secretly that's still the feeling is there — well, not quite, we're perfect for each other. A few words about love
Love is a remnant of Paradise on earth. In the phase love is no problem. Man in heaven, and in his hands all the powers of the world. No sleep, no food he doesn't need.

Love we said before, this is the seer, she sees the being of the other. But love, they say, is blind. Why?

In love I see a man such as I want to see. I still know so little of the other, and all the gaps in knowledge of the other, which I have, I fill their desires.

T. O. I'm actually in love with his own idea. And that's what makes love such a heavenly experience. Because in my view there is no shadow sides.

Thus, in the love we are talking, primarily, about me, about my fantasies and my idealizations. We see in others the charm, attractiveness, eroticism. All these are some cogs that I can hang their ideas. It pulls me in the other. And even those objects which he touches, and those fascinate me, which may even lead to fetishism.

In conclusion I want to say about sexuality, love, the relation of these two concepts.

Homosexuality can be just as personal as heterosexuality.

Love and sexuality is not only directed to procreation, but they are some expression of community and communication, which is fundamentally open to having a third. But this third doesn't have to be a child. It may be some kind of challenge, art, shared celebration of life.

Sexuality means that bodily combined with mental. Sexuality we have the joy of experiencing the life force through sensual corporeal plane. Due to this fact that we are experiencing from the other, becomes holistic.

But sexuality is another face. How Merlot Panti. Namely, the person what sexuality I can be (to become) subject to another.

This means that sexuality is possible without people to love each other. To this joy of life to obtain from another or together with others, and it can also mean a moment of happiness. But it's certainly not the highest form of happiness, if there is no personal relationship.
Why infidelity hurts?
Infidelity we are experiencing that we model. For example, the model at the level of sexuality. So, another important yet not I, but only my function. It makes me object. And what I want to aspire to, and what I want, what I want to be "I'm with you", and become more Me, more myself because of you, it crumbles. Therefore, a betrayal needs time to re would be trust.
What is important in love? What can I bring?

Love it demands of us integrity. We see each other as we are and partner love can bring it on the ground of sexuality. I can survive the other what it is to all the senses. This is the most intense intimacy which is possible.

Love this attitude, engagement, experience values of the other, which appeals to me in my being, which leads me to resonate with me. Love is so intimate that belongs to just the two of us, it is not public, its place under the cover of shame.

Nevertheless, we want so she can be in this world. And that she needs to manifest itself in public, to live in togetherness.

Therefore, it is important to have a sense of the subtleties and values, which is associated with love.

Everything in the relationship is maintained. Even when we break relationship, everything we've been through together, all the relationship remains. Therefore, the relationship you can't just stop. And if someone leave, continues to love, he can on this plane and to continue to maintain this love. In the position that I have a feeling that I do your love you feel good. But you in all probability have a feeling that you, my love is not doing well. It is not known who of us is right. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you are mistaken.

But if you think that you're happier with another or another, (and here is an opportunity, which may not be for everyone available), I want, in a certain sense the last act of love to give you your freedom. as an expression of my love for you, to leave you in your new relationship, so you can try it, test that for you good. Maybe you'll get lucky, maybe not, but this is the last thing I can do for you.

And what I can live in my love live, though you've already left you — I leave you because I love you, and that means I want you to succeed with all my heart, even when it hurts.published

The Alfred Laengle. Love: attempt at existential analysis.
Abstract of a lecture delivered at the faculty of Psychology of Moscow state University

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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