Orders of love between a man and a woman by Bert Hellinger

Family order by Burt Hellinger

The relationship between a man and a woman constitute a profound basis of existence. By and large guarantee the existence of humanity, providing the origin, the preservation and continuation of life on Earth. It may sound globally and pathetic, but the fact remains.

Most often, gender relations are considered from the point of view of interpersonal interaction. It is believed that the problems lie in early childhood, unconstructive patterns of behaviour, limiting beliefs, low level of awareness.

I want to offer a slightly different view of the relationship of men and women. We will consider some aspects of partner relations from the point of view of systemic — phenomenological approach of Bert Hellinger, author of the method of system constellations.

This approach, exploring the rules of human coexistence, comes from the fact that the person is not only an individual but also part of the system in the first place family. We do not come from nowhere. We appeared in the family and connected with her. 1/2 we consist of your parents, 1/4 of your grandparents, 1/8 from great-grandparents,man is a link in the chain of their ancestors. And therefore his life has an impact not only personal experience, but particularly significant events that have taken place in family history.

As a rule, this effect can extend to 4 generations, in the case of particularly heavy fate — to 7 generation. A spiritual force that unites the system is "connecting love". Under its influence, people not knowing and not wanting, can live the fate of one of the members of this system or subconsciously learn from the experience, tasks, behaviors, feelings for someone of previous generations, while perceiving them as their own. Crossed wires occur as a result of violation of system laws by the individual himself or someone from his system.

These laws Bert Hellinger calls them "orders of love". Usually they are not recognized, but always affect us and our lives. They operate regardless of whether we know about them or not, agree with them or ignore them. And as it is impossible to overcome the laws of nature, and it is impossible to be at peace with myself and others, ignoring the systemic laws of human relations.

Very often a problem situation in partnerships related to the fact that one or both partners are intertwined with the parental family systems. Moreover, the partners themselves are not to blame – they don't realize it. They suffer, despite the fact that they love each other, carefully looking for solutions, convinced that if enough try, you will be able to find it. But since the roots of the crisis of relations should look elsewhere, their efforts and appeals to the good will be in vain.

For example, often one of the partners tend to go, even though she loves another. This comes from the fact that maybe he wants to follow in death for anyone of the members of her parental family, or to share the fate of the one who was banished to the other person is left to live for, or eliminated, or undeservedly forgotten and not appreciated enough. Sometimes a new relationship interferes with the relationship with the former partner, especially if there is wine in front of him and he died, and the mourning for him was left unfinished.

Consequences of system disturbances and entanglements that may result from partners and physically with illnesses, addictions, unexplained pain, inadequate emotional reactions.

In one article there is no possibility to describe in detail the basic system rules, and the consequences of breaking them, as well as ways of overcoming the entanglements and the search for a liberating solution. So I will elaborate more on the "orders of love" that operate in partnerships. So:


Orders of love between a man and a woman and that follow their violation

Before talking about the orders, to clarify:

"How do we become men and women?"

Let's start with the boys. In childhood the boy is in the sphere of influence of the mother, from her he learns what femininity. The feminine in the soul of man C. G. Jung calls the "anima" and the masculine soul in the female "animus". Man develops its anime next to the mother and if the son remains in the sphere of influence of the mother, anima develops stronger. Staying with his mother, he treats women is beyond measure and it is flooding his soul. This prevents the boy to take the father and male principle in it is shrinking and more and more lost. In the sphere of influence of the mother of the son often turns out only the young man but not a man, a conqueror of hearts, a lover, not a husband. And, oddly enough, then there is less understanding and sympathy towards other women.

Macho man is always a man with a strong anima, it is always associated with the mother. This young man, or a hero, but not a man. Don Juan — also my mother's son who turned into a man. A lot of women tend to the boy. A man can choose a woman and become her husband.

To become a man, the son must abandon the first woman in their lives and early enough to move from the sphere of influence of the mother into the sphere of influence of the father. He needs to break away from his mother and stand next to his father. For my son it is a huge failure and radical change. Earlier this transition was carried out deliberately with the help of rituals of initiation. After the boy could no longer go back to his mother. With the Father, the son becomes a man, who refused the female in itself. Then he can give a woman to give him female, and then develop a solid, reliable relationship.

Daughter first, you'll be near the mother and intensely perceive it, but otherwise than the son. She reaches for her father. The first acquaintance with the male takes place in relationship with the father, and the male to charm her. If it remains in the sphere of influence of his father, her soul overflowing men. Then it will be only a girl, but not a woman lover, but not wife. Later, she wouldn't be able to approach another man, to appreciate him and treat him as an equal.

To become a woman, a girl must abandon the first men in their lives, i.e. father, to move away from him, back to her mother and stand beside her. There she becomes a woman and later also find her man, who can afford to give yourself a men's. And there will be more compassion and understanding in relation to the identity and values of men. This is the opposite of the narcissistic idea of what a woman should she develop masculine qualities.

The best marriage is one where dad's son marries mother's daughter. But it often happens that a father's daughter is marrying my son.


The ratio of love and order

Often you can see relationships crumble, despite a great love. So it is obviously not in love. There is a widespread misconception that love heals and replaces all of what is missing. Many relationship problems arise from the fact that one of the partners is unwilling to admit the obvious and believes that with thought, effort or love, will still be able to make it work. However, this order of magnitude will not be affected. It's an illusion, it is simply impossible. Love is part of the order and is part of the order. Who is trying to flip this ratio and using love to convert the order fiasco.

Adapting to order love can grow it like a seed. It goes in the ground and not try to change and grow.

The basis of love is respect for the partner, to its place of origin and respect for themselves and their origin, as well as consent for the differences in us.

Mature love knows the boundaries and enjoys what he has.If in a good mood, the partner you are satisfied with 80%, and bad by 51% is a good partner and don't need to look for another

"Boundaries of freedom"

In all respects set your boundaries — close or wide. Helps to detect their guilt. Where wine starts, there is the border. Within these boundaries, the space of innocence and freedom. These statements are identical.While there are no borders, no freedom. Then things are blurry. If people checked where the boundaries are, he knows where his freedom. Completeness is implemented in the borders.

"A man wants a woman to wife, and a woman wants a man to be your husband"

Only when man gives himself to the woman husband and takes her as his wife, and the woman gives herself to the man's wife and takes him for a husband, only then they are man and woman, and only then becoming a couple. Forming a couple, they have greater specific emotional weight than before. Among married men the proportion is higher than the unmarried, while married women the proportion is higher than the unmarried. This is the rule but there are exceptions.

The man has something no women, and women have something men do not have. So they are drawn to each other and it is the pull of a huge force. They are equal to each other in their failure, and the ability to give other something important and even build on it. Both have to accept our limitations, then they become able to enter relationships and keep them.

And if in a couple one wants to be with others in a greater degree of some other reasons, such as pleasure or security, because the other is rich or poor, educated or simple, Catholic or Orthodox, because one wants to win, to protect, to improve or save another. Or, as some say great, because one wants to see another father or mother their children, the Foundation of the relationship is built on sand, and the Apple sits a worm.

Marriage — a farewell to youth. Partnership without marriage is a continuation of youth. If a couple has been living together and not married, in which each says to the other: I keep searching for something better. It's a constant unconscious insult.

One of the difficulties of couple relationships is that in partnerships we want to preserve and save the youth. But that's impossible, she was left behind. Human development always occurs so that we step over a threshold. When we find ourselves at this threshold, everything changes and to go back we can't anymore. The simplest example is the birth. The child very well in the mother's womb. But at some point he needed to cross the threshold. And there's all different and to go back he can't.

The next big threshold is the marriage. Youth left behind. Back anymore. Partnerships fail if we step over this threshold and look forward, not backward.

We don't always recognize that partnership is the most important for us in life. They touch us deeply, it is a basic manifestation of love, which goes far beyond ourselves.

Having met the partner we think: "now we will love each other and be happy". But thinking so, we do not understand that we are driven by a powerful force that we do on the "service" that we have to carry all my life. It penetrates to the very depth of our being, makes us happy and causes pain. In the process partnerships each grows and dies in equal measure. In the process of growth itself, we overcome on the way to something more.And the partner relationship: what we perceive as a problem or crisis is part of this process.

Sometimes, based on the experience of an open relationship, some see their partnership as if the purpose thereof can be set arbitrarily, and the duration and the order can determine to change or cancel depending on their mood and wellbeing. But in doing so they give their partnership at the mercy of levity.

Perhaps too late we have come to realize that there reigns an order, which cannot be violated with impunity. If one of the partners with a light heart, with anyone and with nothing being considered, terminates the relationship, it is born in them the child often behaves like we have to atone for some injustice. In fact, the goal of the partnership is set for us originally, and if we want to achieve them, require persistence and sacrifice.

It is also necessary to consider the relationship, what is often overlooked partners. If two people love each other and make a performance of love ("execution of love", Bert Hellinger refers to sexual relations) that both become unfree and bound for life. One of the biggest differences in partnerships is that some believe that after a performance of love they still remain free. Freedom lost and it is impossible to change, that's a given. This part of the service. How deep the relationship can be seen in the process of Formations.

"Focus on the child, keeping the priority partner of love"

Only child, male and female reaches its fullness. Only by becoming a father, the man becomes fully a man, and only becoming a mother, a woman becomes fully a woman. In the child man and woman become in the full sense and visible for all indissoluble whole. However, it is important that their parental love for the child just continued and crowned their love as a couple. Because of their love to each other, are preceded by their parental love and how the roots hold and nourish the tree, so their love as a couple keeps and nurtures their love for the child.

If parents give priority to parenthood before the partnership, the order will be violated and there are problems. The solution was to partner again got the advantage over the parent. When this happens, it can be seen immediately: the children sigh with relief when they see their parents as a couple. Then all at once it becomes better.

The transition to parenthood contains another rejection from childhood and adolescence. Engaging in these relations, the man again crosses the threshold and back. Childhood and adolescence once again be left behind. Under illusion about the possibility of repeating floral-bouquet stage in the relationship, or return to the serenity inherent in single life, we push the relationship to collapse, and themselves at risk to remain "eternal children." What, then, can give a "large eternal children" to their children? What I can teach? What wisdom will you?

You can look at two people and see what happens between them. But to ignore how their actions affect their surroundings and the children, we do not understand something very important. They both can feel great, and at the same time, their behavior can negatively affect their children or grandchildren. Order always implies the inclusion of a lot and, in fact, means that interacts differently so that it is good for everyone. The order is realized not by one, it all costs the same, with equal or at least similar benefits for each.

"Equality as a prerequisite for strong relationships"

Both partners are equal good and bad in what they have and what they lack. Any attempt to behave in relation to another or from a position of superiority (as a parent) or from a position of dependence and subordination (as a child) restricts partnerships and puts them at risk.

If one of the partners, for example, expects to receive from the other the same security, which can only be given by parents to their children, the order of this partnership is broken. It is not possible to place the exchange and compensation between equal adults. Then the next crisis usually ends with that one partner that was aimed too high expectations, moving away or leaving.

And quite rightly, for transferring the order from childhood to partnership, the other makes him excessive demands. If, for example, a husband says to his wife: "I can't live without you" or "If you leave, I'll kill myself, life will lose for me any meaning," the wife should leave. The partnership will fail, as he hangs over the partner the sword of Damocles, and no one able to withstand it long. Appropriate, when so tells his parents a small child, because the child is quite rightly feels entirely dependent on parents.

However, the partnership also exists a deep connection arising from the execution of love, but it has a different quality than child's attachment to parents.

The partnership is under threat, and in the case where one of the partners behaves as if he has the right to educate another, or thinks himself obliged, in some ways it "thospital". But the other partner is all it was. No wonder he then goes away as the child gets from parents and looking for relief and compensation on the side. Then mistress (lover) is equal to (th). The surest way to get rid of the partner to start to raise him.

If a partner preserved a good relationship, and yet has a mistress (lover), then on the side(s) he is looking for the mother. A woman living in a "love triangle" is usually daddy's girl, and the man – mom's son.

Power games between the spouses as well violate equality, undermining the system, sometimes for as long as it does not collapse.

It so happens also that in partnerships the boundaries are set too closely, then one of the partners gets someone on the side, so the borders expand and there is a new free space.

"Equality in relationships in terms of "experience and satisfy desire."

In our culture, desire is mainly male, and the woman basically fulfills the desire. This alone paves the way for possible violations, as the desire seems to be something small, but the satisfaction of something more. In this case, one partner plays the role of the needy, the one who takes and the other, may, perhaps, loving, plays the role of helping the person who gives. Then the one who takes, should probably be thankful, as if he took, nothing giving; and that giving can feel a sense of superiority and freedom, like he gave, without taking anything. But that means abandoning trim that threatens the exchange and the law of balance "to give-take".

However, some enjoy holding in partnership for the position meets the position of superiority and power, and then the relationship comes disorder.

A partner who, on her marriage, something owed to another, then for it to retaliate. For the relations, the risk of failure to share. Partners may agree that if one of them finds and puts on the map his innermost (and that is exactly what happens when he wants), the other is respected, even if they do not comply. The desire should not result in a humiliating failure — because at this point we are particularly vulnerable. Then next time again to take a chance, and then become deeper relationship.

To exchange and equilibration occurred without violations, everyone should want and everyone should love and respect to give to others what he so passionately wants, that it must be so or to refuse with dignity and respect.

In many couples, the problem lies in the fact that sexual relations have acquired for them too much importance in overall relations. In this case, sex becomes the target of relations, instead of to serve them. When sexual relations are relations, they are more heartfelt, deep and diverse.

Gradually, we come to another important order:

"Trim or reciprocity of the process to give-to take"

In a relationship always exchanged. To relationship, both must give what they have, and take what they have with love and gratitude.

The exchange happens both in good and in bad. We give a few more than required by the balancing, therefore, the exchange of good increases.

If one does something that hurts or offends him, then the victim should not (from the consciousness of your own innocence) to cause the other more angry than hurt her, because then she gives the other a right to get angry again.

If the victim and the culprit each time cause each other more harm then they do with evil like this is good and exchange bad increases. This exchange also binds the partners to each other, but to their misfortune. The victim must cause the perpetrator is somewhat less evil. Then she pays tribute to both justice and love, and then again may be resumed and continued sharing in good.

In cases where the victim is too kind to be evil (all endure for the sake of..., better not say anything, etc.), the equilibrium is not restored and one of the partners can not become equal to him, relationships are under threat.

It is important that not only the balance of give-take but also the size of the turnover. Little turnover to give and take brings a small profit. A large turnover makes us richer, gives a sense of completeness and happiness, a sense of lightness and freedom.

By the way, what kind of exchange occurs — rather bad or rather good, and how high the turnover of good and evil, you can determine the quality of couple relationships.

The balance of give-take is manifested in the refusal. Sometimes, in order to preserve the illusion of independence and innocence, refuse to participate in the exchange. Rather, they will be completely closed for other than something will take. Then the feeling that they do not owe anything to anyone. And so they feel special or consider themselves better than others. With this position we meet many who suffer from depression. Their refusal to take in the first place to treat their parents, later to be transferred to other relationships, including on partnerships, and many good things in this world.

Motivate the refusal by the fact that they did not offer it or it was too little. Can justify their rejection of the errors of the giver. But the result is still the same: they remain passive and empty.

The opposite – fullness. Those who are able to accept their parents as they are, they take all that is given is the feeling of constant flow of energy and happiness. This acceptance makes them able to have other relationships in which they can take and lots to give.

Claim — I gave another more than they do me. Should get another as the claims stop. Therefore some prefer to keep the claims and not allow them too gave. "I'd rather you be obliged than I do." Claim freedom from the obligation detrimental to the relationship. As one who is not willing to abandon their superiority, the other denies equality. And soon the other has nothing they want to take from someone who did not want to take myself. They are moving away from it or get angry and even revenge.

The exchange is terminated and in the case that one partner gives to another more than he can take, or wants to compensate. Conversely, if one wants more than the other can or wants to give him.

These are the basic rules of balance of give — take between equal partners.

In relations between parents and children order other parents give and children take. Children may not return equivalent received from parents live, so they provide on their children. And thus balance is restored.


If one member of a system that gives another member of the system (or takes something), it should be adequately balanced. The imbalance leads to a weakening or the disintegration of relationships. Therefore, compensation is important in good and bad.

If you have been harmed, resentment, pain, betrayal, it is important to claim compensation and it should correspond to the damage inflicted. For example, women had relationships on the side and she wants to return, the husband cannot simply say "forgive", he should ask her to do something that will work out her hard.

Revenge - the equilibrium is established only for a moment, since it awakens in others the response the need for revenge. Increases the desire to bring bad. And then love turns into a painful relationship with violence and neglect.

If the husband gives the wife or the wife gives the husband as well as parents give their children, for example, one gives the other the opportunity, already being married, to get a higher education, then the first one so much got another, can no longer be on equal footing with him. May he continue to owe him, but finishing his studies, he usually leaves the other. (as the child leaves the parents) Only if it will fully refund all costs and pay his partner for all the efforts it can again become equal to him and stay with him. All compensated, no longer remember!


"The priority of a married family in front of the parent"

The fulfillment of love the man, according to the perfect word of the Bible, leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and they become both one flesh. The same applies to the woman.

Mreally loves his parents, his wife — his. After marriage or the birth of children, they must leave parents. "My family is more important to me right now". It is necessary for the survival of the new system. She is still unstable and the branch you want the system became stable. Leaving the parental family, we become adults. Failure parents must be conscious and with due respect to them and to her partner, "I'm sorry, but we want...", "Our family decided..." — this allows you to preserve the hierarchical order and to consolidate the young system (family). It is impossible to say to parents: "the Wife does not want you mom don't be mad", "my Husband refuses, you're a mom no offense" in this phrase is evident of immaturity and disrespect.

Good to know about childhood wounds in need of his soul. Talking need evaluations and criticisms of parents, without complaints and disturbances. Leave the past the past, look at each other.

"With each partnership, the relationship weakens". But happiness is not getting smaller. Here it would be possible to argue that divorce followed by a new relationship prove that the first communication restoria. However, the new relationships act differently than the first. The second relationship is successful only if recognizes and respects the attachment to your previous partner if the new partner knows that will always be lower than the previous, and that he will always be in his debt because "he freed the first place."

The second relationship is necessary to develop "the face" of the previous one. They no longer have the depth that was in the first. They could have her, but she did not need them. However, this does not mean that there will be less love and happiness. It is possible that the second relationship will be love more and deeper. Only when in its original sense, such as in the first relationship, it is not given. So when you break the second of the relations of guilt and obligations, as a rule, less than the first gap. In addition, it is possible breakup, it involves less guilt and pain. So from relationship to relationship communication is becoming weaker. The depth of the latter can be determined by how big the guilt and pain at parting.

Disrespect to past partners has far-reaching consequences for children. Because out of loyalty to his father or mother children implement in my life that I despise in a partner. If the child is to say "don't be like your father", then unconsciously he will do anything to be like. Thus, the binder is manifested love, defending the right possible, and restoring the integrity of the system.

When a couple breaks up, from the pain they don't notice children. Children are the most vulnerable. The child often has no support, he is afraid to get caught in the crossfire. They are primarily in need of assistance.

After a divorce children should stay with the parent who respects them more than the other parent.

Children will not protect those that will be silent or to hide something. Children know everything in the shower. To protect the child can respect and thanks to partner for the good that was.

A family history should talk with respect to people and events.


There are consequences of abortion. And they are much heavier than the consent of the child. What shoulder like a heavy burden decided to make an abortion, much heavier than what they would if they had a child.

Abortion violates the order. An aborted child gives life, and not voluntarily. And parents take all (20 years old they do not need to worry, they will have some freedom).

The soul hates, especially the soul of women, but men too. The abortion with your child rejected, excluded, and cleaned partner. This is the process. Pair pays for this incident the fact that often breaks.

If the abortion is done in marriage, it often happens that stops sexual relations, there is the alienation of the partners.

In the case of abortion it often happens that a man shirks responsibility and shifts it to the woman. But the entire responsibility lies on both (each at 100%), although the consequences a woman experiences heavier. She does not feel happy in love, cannot find a partner, ill with serious diseases. In the balance there are certain rituals to adopt a child and end this situation. But get it only if the parents can experience pain. The pain is a tribute towards the child, she reconciles him with his parents. If parents could see the child as an equal and recognize that he gave his life, and to accept it as a gift, then in the end comes peace and harmony.

If the child is not developing in the womb, the couple can break up. Unconsciously it is perceived as:"Is it because we don't want to."

Stillborn child belongs to the family. Should be a period of mourning. All, including children, should know about him. It must have a name.

About aborted children living children to tell you at the call of the mother's heart, when there is preparedness. published

Author: Ludmila Armour.S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©

Source: www.b17.ru/article/54001/


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