How to avoid children's manipulations: specific problems and possible solutions

The following brief outline gives specific tips for improving the relationship between parents and children in a variety of problem situations.


Possible causes:

  • Parents believe that one should not burden children with domestic duties.
Recommended behavior:

Accustom the children to perform a variety of duties should occur at a very early age. This helps the children to feel part of the family, to feel its usefulness and realize that they are needed. Many parents underestimate the fact that even very young children can contribute in household work.



Possible causes:

  • The disturbed relationship between parent and child
Recommended behavior:

It should be remembered that disrespectful speech and tone of voice are symptoms of broken relationships. If the parents want the kids with the respect they were treated, they should be respectful to kids. Try to pay attention to your tone when dealing with children.



Possible causes:

  • Attracting the attention of one or both parents.
  • Demonstration of power over his siblings and parents
  • Hurting my parents.
  • Imitation of parents.
  • Attempt to unwind and avoid boredom, because children are not accustomed to entertain yourself.
Recommended behavior:

Parents need to step back from fighting and to allow children themselves to solve their problems. However, it is necessary to prohibit the use of any subject with which during a fight can be applied to the wound (this applies to even small items like a pencil, pin or piece of wire). Children should say if they want it, they can fight, but only with bare hands.

1. Quite effective is the following strategy: be patient — be calm and allow the children to fight. Don't say anything. Sooner or later the fight will end.

2. Don't become a spectator and listener. Go to the bathroom or somewhere else. After a quarrel, keeping silence, go back.

3. Expel all the fighting from the room to the courtyard or the street. However, it should be done, complying with the following rules. The children said: "If you're going to fight, then should go out. Go home when you finish the fight". Do not repeat these words. If children do not go, expel them at the silence.

For children, claiming that they don't like to fight, we offer the following: "Tell your brother / sister, today you have no mood to fight. But, you might want some other time, another day. That day, when you have the mood to fight, you will let him know. Or you can set the time and day when you have the desire to fight, for example, on Tuesday, in 16 hours.15 mins".

It may happen that a fight will lead to the broken nose of the child to scratches or other minor wounds. Children mostly don't want to seriously hurt each other (there can be exceptions), and it is unlikely the child will get a serious injury. When a child comes to the parent with a scratch or something like that, then the parent can say, "I'm sorry you got hurt. Don't want to wash his wound?

I suggest to disinfect it with some drug. Can take it to the box medication. But if you want, I'll go with you and show it to you." The parent can even treat the wound himself, but it is not necessary to discuss the question of the origin of the wound or to Express sympathy. Over time, if parents will not intervene in the struggle, the child learns how to get along with their siblings without fighting.


The problem is the SLOWNESS

Possible causes:

  • Attempt to force parents to deal with them.
Recommended behavior:

1. In conversation with the child tell me what he is dressed by a certain time.

2. Inform the child that Breakfast will be served at a certain time, and that depends on whether he is ready for Breakfast or not. If the child is ready, he will have to do without Breakfast.

3. If the child gets to school by school bus, the parent should be informed that if a child is not dressed in time, you will get clothes in a plastic bag and can get dressed on the bus or at school. In this case, reassure the child that You inform the teacher about the possible appearance of a child in pajamas, so the teacher for this right.

4. If the child is old enough, he would have to go to school on foot no matter how he is late.

5. If the child is old enough to independently cross the street, the parent can transfer it through dangerous places, and then to say goodbye and allow the child to go alone through the rest of the way.

It is very important throughout the process to maintain equanimity, while being firm and consistent. Then soon the child will start to gather much earlier than the required time. The parent should always show their gratitude and appreciation for the progress that is possible to achieve a child without the help of strangers and without a reminder, and to encourage him in this.

Problem - tantrum

Possible causes:

  • The child tries to achieve something, but fails.
  • The use of irritation to demonstrate his power and to force parents to give in to their demands.
Demonstrate understanding and sympathy, but at the same time help the child to understand that his anger will not help solve the problem. On the contrary, anger would be to keep the child in suspense and make its actions less effective. Encourage the child to calm down and consider other possibilities that can help to cope with the task, and maybe even offer to help.

In this case, for the manifestations of irritation is necessary to the viewer. The most effective way here would be to deprive the child of his audience. Parents should be removed, giving the child a full opportunity to throw himself on the floor and scream as his heart desires.

The child rarely brings the matter to a point where it becomes really painful. But it can happen, and if the parents are upset and scared, the child will walk all over them the ropes. If parents remain calm, the child, seeing that for them it "concert" does not make any impression, are unlikely to repeat such a performance.

Parents ignoring the tantrum of a child should not mention her after the child calm down. You must talk with the child as if nothing happened. If the child will repeat the tantrum, you should reproduce the standard response is to leave. While respecting the parents order, the child will refuse to use actions that do not bring any result.



Possible causes:

  • Attracting the attention of parents.
Recommended behavior:

You should not pay attention to this behavior, But if parents find it difficult to do so, it is better to retire to a place where the child is not able to reach. As in the case with the fight, we suggest for this bathroom.

A very effective way of dealing with a whining child is treatment of shock. Instead of having to persuade the child to stop whining, you can ask him to speak a nagging tone whenever the child accesses the parent.


The problem is - LYING, STEALING

Possible causes:

  • Attempt to avoid actual or likely punishment.
  • The desire to feel power and something to beat someone (especially an adult).
  • The desire for vengeance, to cause pain to parents whose trust value
  • Attracting attention, especially when they are convinced that we must have done something really bad that the parents took them.
Recommended behavior:

First of all, recognize the goal of such behavior, then appropriate a Frank and open discussion with the child, why he came to believe that stealing or lying is profitable. Never try to ignore such problems or try to cope with them, acting in a roundabout way.

Often parents are not aware of the fact that they teach children to lie when it is profitable, and what a difficult situation they create it. Here are just a few examples:

1. Drafting notes with fictional valid reasons for missing a child in school.

2. Request to child to answer a phone call, telling the caller that the parent is not at home.

3. Advice the child to lie about his age in order to save on a movie ticket or to get a job.

4. The instruction of a child to deny something in order to avoid trouble.

5. False in the case of non-fulfillment to the child of promise.

6. Bragging how the parent was able to outwit the seller or to cheat on taxes.

7. Refusing to admit that made a mistake, when a child knows that the parent has committed.


Problem - TV

Possible causes:

  • Children do not know how to entertain themselves.
  • Children model their behavior on the behavior of their parents
Recommended behavior:

1. Make a list of the programs for children, against which You have no objection.

2. Arrange time and duration (as in school days and weekends) is allowed watching TV.

3. In accordance with the preceding two provisions allow children to choose programs they wish to view.

4. Reassure children that a week or two later, the plan will be revised, which will provide flexibility in choosing programs.

5. If children at the same time I want to watch different programs, encourage them to agree on the sequence of gear selection. Another possibility to solve this problem, record one of the programs on videotape so that another child could watch it later.

6. From the foregoing it can be made exceptions for very specific cases. In this case care should be taken to any desired program with ease not attributed to the category of "special" to outwit the existing system.

7. Check with the children sanctions for violation of these provisions.

8. If the child decided to watch television for more than time allowed, he will have to pay a complete ban on watching TV the next day

9. If violations of regulations occur frequently, should be completely prohibited TV viewing for the specified period of time. As this period offered week.


Problem - the ORDER

Possible causes:

  • The children take a sample related to the order of their parents.
  • Parents believe that one should not burden children with domestic duties.
Recommended behavior:

It takes time to teach a child to comply with the order, to show him what to do and how to do it. First, the parent can offer assistance to the child in the room, bed, in maintaining order, but as soon as the child will understand what to do, the parent to step back from helping the child.

If there are problems with the cleaning, you can suggest to use the "box-store". Before doing this you should discuss this system with your child and prompt him to accept the obligation to keep all personal belongings in their room or in their part of the room, if he lives in the same room with the other children.

Failure to comply with this agreement, any item that a child left on its territory, the parent will be removed, so that the child could not find it. Soon the child notices that he has no underwear, clothes, toys, etc. in a week that has elapsed since withdrawal of a subject, the parent encourages the child to think over the situation and to decide on their further actions.

If the child chooses care about your stuff, then you need to be careful to do or say something that would cause the child the feeling of pleasure or of shame for a change of decision. If he further violates the obligation, the parent should again repeat the logical consequence, but now for a longer period.

A similar way of working this problem will only be effective if the parents will be consistent, will not argue with the child and remind him what can happen. If they care what you do to relatives or neighbors, when they see what the dirty clothing goes baby, you should think what is more important — to overcome difficulties and to raise the child or to look good in the eyes of other people?


Refusal to eat

Possible causes:

  • The result of excessive concern parents that their children eat, how much and how to eat.
  • The child manipulates the parent using food to achieve the desired.
Recommended behavior:

The solution to this problem can achieve good results if parents clearly establish the time of the meal, after discussing it with the children. This should tell the kids that if they refuse to eat what is offered, they will have to wait for the next mealtime — they can't eat.

You can even lock the refrigerator or a room with castle until then while they will not need. In addition, it may be advisable to store on the shelves or in the refrigerator only a minimal amount of food. However, as a result, parents have to go to the store almost daily, after a few weeks of sacrifice will see a wonderful result.

There are children who refuse a certain food. We advise serving this type of food (e.g. potatoes) to tell the child: "I know you don't love potatoes, so I will not serve you," and go to the next person.

Most likely the child will be surprised with it conversion. At first it is rather happy, but he doesn't like it, ignore it. After several days of this procedure, the child can not take it anymore and, most likely, will declare: "I changed my mind. I want some potatoes".

You should not go into the discussion of this topic. Just put him a potato and tell him that if he changes it back, you are always welcome for him to adapt. The next day you ask a child whether he is a potato or not? Then proceed depending on his answer — put him potatoes, or skip his plate.

There should be no further discussions. This approach — a sort of Adler "spitting in the soup". This technique brings to naught all the pleasure a child receives from the capricious behavior because nobody pays attention to it.

If parents notice that the child of food makes the game, they should give the child a choice now to eat, or refuse food and wait for the next meal. You should tell the child: "If you drop food on the floor or spill on the table, or if you're too long there, then I'll have to take your food, and you have to wait when next we sit there."

As soon as the child will continue their mischief, the parent must silently clean up food and drop off the child from the table. No shouting, threats or requests should not affect the actions of the parent. If the parent will be inconsistent, the child will emotionally manipulate and try to use disgusting behavior as long as the parent won't budge.

It is important that parents do not feel pity for the child or feel guilty in front of him, picked at his food. If later the child comes and complains of hunger, the parent should treat the child in a friendly way, but quietly and firmly say: "Yes, you must be hungry, but you'll have to wait until the next mealtime".

And up to this point really shouldn't allow the child to eat. This technique will be effective only if the parents believe in what they are doing and understand that the child, if he is really hungry, will eat regular food.


Possible causes:

  • The desire to force parents to deal with them.
  • Demonstration of power over the parent.
Recommended behavior:

We advise parents to give the child an alarm clock, to teach him to use it to show how it should be set to a certain time (or, if the child is still very small, to put on the desired time), how to turn it off when it rings. More often the problem is with the parent, not the child.

Parents whose child makes him to serve, and who for years would Wake your child (every day participating in the same fight), insist that the child simply does not hear the alarm and continue sleeping, or just not get out of bed and end up late to school.

This can happen on the first day, or in some cases, two days in a row. But we have rarely seen kids who would not take responsibility for the rise and self-training for school, when I realized that the game is over, and parents will no longer be taking on this responsibility. Especially tend to be "deaf parents" during the morning rise and the refusal to Wake up teenagers. It's mostly teenagers whose parents were woken up throughout the time of attendance.

They consider it parental duty, and offended when parents suddenly refuse to serve them. If the parents are consistent in their refusal to Wake them in the morning and won't join them in the fight, children, reluctantly, but will take on this responsibility.


Problem - going to bed

Possible causes:

  • The struggle for power.
  • Attract parental attention
Recommended behavior:

There are a number of ways in which parents can prevent such difficulties:

1. Discuss with the children times when they should be in their rooms, or in that part of the room where they sleep (if they have separate rooms).

2. In regard to the time when they should return to their rooms, children are required to observe the defined agreement. However, the decision about when to go to sleep should be provided by the children (the point that some parents find it hard to accept). Most of the children go to bed shortly after they go into their rooms, because now they don't get attention from my parents.

3. Tell the children that You will tell them a story or talk with them when they go to bed, but set the time after which will not have to do that.

4. Before you retire to your rooms, children need to go to the toilet.

5. Put a glass of water beside the bed.

6. If the child begins to ask for something, coming out of her room, ignore it, pretending You can't hear them.

7. If a child comes to the parents, take him firmly by the hand and escort back to the bedroom. Perhaps this procedure for one evening will have to be repeated several times, but we assure You that this will not last long.

8. Do not let yourself to verify the child was asleep or not.



Possible causes:

  • Cooking lessons — the field of battle, where the child triumphs over the parents.
  • Attracting parental attention.
  • Spoiled and inability to do things on their own
Recommended behavior:

Homework is the responsibility of the child and the parent should not interfere in it. The children are accustomed to rely on parents sitting with them during homework, usually in the school not doing work, while next to them sits the teacher.

The child must be specifically allotted time, which does not cause objections, and during this time the child needs to do his homework. If the child does not understand something, the parent can help him, but it should take several minutes, then as soon as the child understood what to do, the parent must leave the child alone.

If a child is not doing homework, the teacher needs to apply the logical consequences that he believes are suitable to the case. Should be warned about these logical implications of the child and the parent should not create this obstacle to the teacher. In the end, if a child knows what are the logical consequences and, nevertheless, still not doing homework, the consequences of his choice.

Children who have been in the school poor performance for several years, usually lag so far behind the programme that they are not able to perform the specified work. Such children are usually too proud to confess his inability to do homework, and hide behind bad behaviour or the fact that they hate the subject, too tired, or that will do the job later.

You need to explain to the child why he was having such a problem, to help the child not to feel shame for it not to feel stupid. You can for example say: "You have not worked for a long time. So it is natural that you can't figure out how to perform a task, which requires additional knowledge and skills.

Don't compare yourself with children who know how to do it. They for all classes systematically worked. This does not mean that they are smarter than you. You're just behind them, that's all. You'll be able to catch up with your class if you want a little more work. You can invite for you a tutor who will come to our home and will start work with you with the place where you stopped, where you feel on this subject confidently. And gradually you will catch up with the class."



Recommended behavior:

Pocket money should be given to the child without any conditions as manifestations of understanding his needs in some amount of money in order to give him a lot of money. The child should be allowed to spend the money without a report on how they were spent.

Agreement should be reached on a certain day of issuing pocket money to the child. If the child will prefer to spend the money on the first day, no entreaties should not sway the decision of parents to give pocket money only on certain dates. The results are not encouraged to borrow money. at the expense of future income, as it interferes with teaching the child how to handle money.

If the money was issued prematurely, then the parents must subtract that amount from the next payment. Not to be confused with pocket money child with money that he receives for a specific purpose, such as purchasing a school Breakfast, the fare on the bus, etc.

Also they should not be confused with payment for the performed for parents some of the work for which they are usually someone you hire, such as washing Windows, mowing the lawn or washing the car.published

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