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Julia Hippenreiter: When you talk to your child, keep quiet.
It is difficult to resist the charm, calmness and wisdom of an 83-year-old woman, the most popular modern Russian psychologist Yulia Borisovna Hippenreiter, and parents, going to Yulia Borisovna for a dialogue, instantly turning them into children. With each of the listeners, she played dialogue, imagining a parent as a child and herself as a parent, and vice versa. “I give general answers to general questions,” she repeated, and called for specific situations to be addressed.
What do you think about tablets and computers? Are they harmful and what impact do they have on development? UB: You won’t get away from tablets and computers, it’s the environment in which children grow up. What impact does having a tablet have or what a child does with it? Maybe we should look at what he's doing with him and get involved in the joint process. You can best help the child in development if you do something with him, and, further, according to the law of the zone of proximal development (according to L. Vygotsky), first you will take on more, and then gradually delegate to him what he can do himself. As a result, the child will begin to do everything independently according to the law of internalization of abilities, skills, ideas, tastes.
But now it turns out that some parents and grandparents do not know the technology. In computer games, the law of any training applies - you do something, get a result, feedback, and, in the case of computer and tablet games, the opportunity to get a result is instantaneous. With good control and competent development, the computer industry is one of the directions for the child to acquire knowledge and skills.
The computer or tablet itself does not mean anything, it is important how the child uses it.
Mom asks: Many parents worry that their children spend more time on the computer than in communication with peers, and spending time in virtual reality, deprived of something else in life, what to do with it?
UB: Living in virtual space is a danger facing all of humanity. Children sometimes immerse themselves in it more than in real life, in overcoming obstacles not with their feet, hands, but with the help of running figures, in communication not with living people. It's dangerous, but I think parents are finding a way to avoid it -- to limit their virtual reality experience. You have to restrict your child to not eat chocolate all day or to be outdoors for ten hours playing football. This is about regime and discipline.
If there is such a problem, then you need to take action, but not drastic measures. To restrict means not just to prohibit, but to replace. Maintain his friendship with other guys, keep him busy with something interesting.
But what's going on? The computer game competes with the parent’s cultural stock and skills, and the parent loses. Well, don't lose! Evolve.
It's not the computer's fault. The computer does not have emotions, it causes emotions in the child. But you can also cause emotions in the child. Immerse it in development, in good classical music, theater, museums, painting.
But again, don't overdo it. My daughter, when she had a baby and it was a month old, would take an art album and open it in front of the baby. “What are you doing?” he asked, “I make a taste of it.” Music is probably possible at this age - the hearing is already working, and the eyes are not converging yet.
In my textbook for parents there is a story of the composer Sergey Prokofiev, he writes that he was literally born into music, because when my mother was waiting for him, she played the piano a lot, and when he was born, my mother played in the next room.
If a child lives in a cultured environment, he absorbs it. Absorbing culture is very interesting, but the science of psychology has not yet reached the understanding of how a child absorbs forms, colors, sounds, emotional shades.
In the computer, the child will not find all this, only in live communication. A child can and will listen to what they say. But if communication is reduced to shouting or orders, the child is shut off from everything that is broadcast to him. The channel of communication with the child should be very healthy, and, importantly, careful.
Is it necessary to raise children, or is it still important to learn how to build a dialogue with the child? What do you think of the word “education”?
UB: Often, education is understood as a “burden”. Imposing his tastes, requirements, tasks, plans and dreams: “I educate him as he should be, I know he should know what he should do.” If education is understood in this way, then I feel bad about it, and would pick up another word: developmental assistance. Becoming. Nurturing. Carl Rogers said that an adult can be compared to a gardener who helps a plant. The function of the gardener is to provide water, direct light to the plant, fertilize the soil. That is, to create conditions for development, but not to pull at the top. If you pull at the top and in which direction you need, you will not grow it.
Dialogue is a somewhat narrowed concept, I would say, mutual understanding, a mood for understanding the child. Yes, it is important that the child understands the parent, but the parent can understand more about the child. What does it mean to understand a child? First of all, you need to know your needs and take them into account. Needs change not only with age, but also individually, depending on the trajectory on which the child moves. Therefore, in the dialogue it is important to hear the child: why he does not obey, refuses, rude. If “hearing” is part of the conversation, I accept it.
Rough interpretations of the word “education”: when a child does not obey – to force, rude – to correct, offended – to say: “nothing to be offended, it is my fault”, I reject.
Should the child be praised often? At what point should the severity be included? To what extent so that the child does not close?
UB: You know, we fall prey to very general words. How is the volume of severity measured – in kilograms or liters? I prefer to consider specific situations.
If a child is praised, he has the feeling that if he does not do well, he will be judged. All praise has the opposite side: to praise is to evaluate. You may be familiar with the concept of “non-judgmental attitude to the child”. What does that mean? This refers to an unassessed attitude towards the child, not to his actions. You may have heard that it is worth criticizing the actions of the child, but not the child. Not "you're bad," "you're smart," but "I like what you said you did." “It’s not a good thing, you know it’s not a good thing, and you’re going to try to do better next time, right?”
Mom asks: It doesn't work that way. Sometimes I do what you say, and he says no to me and why?
JB: Come out here and tell me how this is happening. I like to talk specifically.
Mom: The child misbehaved, took the toy from his sister. I told him, you know, you know...
JB: Hold on. How old is the child, how old is the sister?
Mom: A 4-year-old son takes a toy from his two-year-old sister. The sister starts to cry, and he runs away with her toy, and apparently he took it on purpose. I tell him, you know what you did wrong, let's not do that next time.
JB: Take your time. You make a mistake in the first words: you know what you did wrong. It's a lecture, you read it to him. Notation does not lead to understanding you or to understanding the child. We need to see why he took her, what's behind it. There could be a lot behind this. And a lack of attention (he took away the toy, and his mother paid attention to it), and revenge on the little sister, because she has more attention. He has a long-standing and hidden resentment. We need to eliminate this emotional deficit.
Try to be attentive to the fact that the attention to the first child did not change with the birth of the second, neither in volume nor in quality. Of course it's difficult. I dragged my second child under my armpit, doing everything I had done to him before. And there was no jealousy, the elder very quickly began to help me and feel that we are one team. Do not allow lectures, understand the child and eliminate the cause of the “evil design”.
You cannot adjust your behavior in acute situations. When a child is doing something and you feel like they are being warmed up by some emotion, you will never correct their behavior in that moment. If you punish him, he won't change. Emotional reasons should be identified and tried to level them, but in a calm atmosphere.
Mom asks: The child is 9 years old, the situation at school: two children at the desk, one categorically does not like when they take his things, starts screaming and itching, my child knows this, but he will definitely take something from him. I start talking to him, he looks into the eyes and can't explain why he does that.
UB: Well, it's a concert! Why he should explain something to you, you will explain it to him.
Mom: I'm explaining! I said, "Sasha, you understand..."
(Laughter and applause cover up mom's speech)
UB: Thank you for your moral support. Such phrases are parental reflexes that emerged from culture, from the understanding of education as the imposition of our norms, requirements for the child without building a dialogue with him. First, accept the child and listen actively. Why has active listening gained popularity?
Because when parents begin to actively listen, and such reflexes begin to pop out of them very quickly, the children themselves are surprised, they instantly feel that they are better off, and they themselves begin to behave differently, to be more attentive to their parents.
Remember, as you turn to the child, and he will address you according to the law of imitation. Children imitate. So if you say "no, you won't," he'll say "no, I will." He mirrors you. It does. "I will punish you" - "Well, punish you!" It is not easy to take into account all the needs of the child. Same thing with husbands and wives. Do you think you can force your husband or wife to do something? Nope. What begins in children? Cheating your parents. It's like adults.
Are family traditions important for strengthening intergenerational ties? Do I need to communicate with grandmothers, and why do I need to communicate with older relatives?
UB: Family traditions are important, of course, part of the culture. Another thing is, what traditions. If the grandmother is alive and looks like Arina Rodionovna, then it is beautiful. But if the grandmother made it her goal to divorce her husband and wife, because she does not approve of the choice of a son or daughter, then the connection with such a generation should probably not be maintained. You can visit her, but not live with her and copy her manners. We must not be held captive by common words. Look at what the previous generation has to say. Of course, it is necessary to respect the elders, but if the grandparents speak badly about one of the parents, and you tell the child that he should still respect them, I do not really understand why.
It is more important to learn to respect the child. You may ask me at what age do you start to respect him? I'll give you a diaper. Already from the diaper, a child is a person. Respect his way, don't say, "I'll make you ... an accountant, an economist." What if he's an artist at heart?
Mom asks: A friend’s daughter doesn’t say hello to everyone. What do you do, make everyone say hello or give them freedom? JB: Do you need to force and push? I'd say no. We need to talk to the child and listen to him. A friend and daughter didn't talk, she's complaining about your daughter. There was no dialogue between mother and daughter, there were lectures. When a parent says these three words, "You understand," the conversation becomes a lecture.
When you talk to your child, keep quiet. Be prepared to pause. When you listen to your child, avoid questions. Be silent and try to get into the tone of the child.
Mom asks: What about politeness, responsibilities and discipline?
UB: The child must master many skills and abilities: brushing teeth, not getting out of the table and then return to the table, learn to pot, to spoon. It is necessary to try to make this knowledge flow into the life of the child gradually, without effort. Children stop doing something if the parent without respect, without taking into account his condition, experiences, insists on his rule, takes drastic measures. Selecting a computer, for example.
Ask your child to do something else instead of a computer. And then, in a calm atmosphere, you can negotiate the regime and the rules. Try to work things out in a peaceful environment. Do not be afraid to joke, humor in communication with children is very necessary.
Do you think habits are developed from constant drilling? Nope. They develop gradually.
It is not necessary to replace the regularity of the formation of habits with urges. You can use a note resembling a picture, a calendar, glue a sticker "Field me, please" on the flower, replace your voice with something else.
You don’t need to wake your child up to school, replace it with an alarm clock. Late, skipped, not your problem. You can sympathize with him: unpleasant, yes.
At what age can you be responsible for the lift? YB: It's 4-5 now.
Mom: So early, I thought at 10!
UB: I'll tell you a story about my friends. Kola Peninsula, polar night, darkness, two children: 5 years old boy, 3 years old girl. The children themselves get up, the brother wakes up the sister, they dress, wear coats and hats approach sleeping parents, wake them up and say: "Mom, Dad, we went to kindergarten."
May the bright image of these children inspire you. Don’t say, “Get up, you’ll be late, get dressed.”
Mom asks: How do you get kids to do that?
UB: Try it. Experiment. Try to behave completely differently than the child expects from you. Get off him, do not take away the development of the child by caring for yourself: “How will he continue to live?”
Dad asks: I want to clarify the situation with independence. My son is three years old and he started brushing his teeth, first with our help and now himself. He cleans them as well as he can, and our dentist said that the child will have big problems with his teeth, it would be better if I brushed them for his teeth. And it seems to be a simple thing, but it grows into a problem, I take the child's brush, I start brushing his own teeth, the child loses all interest in cleaning, and it turns into a psychological problem, I don't know what to do with it.
UB: Change the dentist.
Mom asks: Does genetics influence personality formation?
UB: What do you call genetics?
Mother: Alcoholism, genetic disease. We are talking about the adopted children of my friends, they brought up an adopted child, but nothing good turned out of him, despite the fact that they literally prayed for him. I'm trying to understand.
UB: To the general question I give a general answer. There are genetic prerequisites, especially when it comes to somatic diseases. Tuberculosis, a tendency to alcoholism can also be transmitted, but not alcoholism itself. If the child is adopted, it is good to know the parents.
I believe in the genetic preconditions of temperament—someone more calm, someone more sensitive, or someone more gambled, as detailed in my character book. But genetics is not a person: noble, honest, independent, believing in ideals, or self-serving, selfish, criminal - a person shapes the trajectory of life, the environment, parents and grandmothers, society. What is valued in society now? What society? What does the child take for himself? It's not genes.
My daughter is 4 years old, we make toys from puff dough. I say to her, ‘Look what beautiful toys we make,’ and she says to me, ‘Yes, they are beautiful, but I have more beautiful.’ Why does she say that?
JB: I think you’re growing your family. She wants to praise herself and expects praise from you.
Mom asks: What to do with the desires of children to buy some scary doll like the monster High? She says, “Everybody has, I don’t?”
YB: Advertising and fashion are social winds, they pass like viruses, but you can’t isolate a child from them. You can protect yourself from influence only with solid principles that you have created in yourself. If you are against something, grow this protest from the diaper, and if you partially feel that the child is right about something, or you feel that you are wrong, tell him about it. He will be infinitely grateful to you. If you admit that you are wrong, you will take a giant step forward.
Mom asks: What do you think about the early development of the child, my husband and I have different views on this issue. He says I shouldn't torture a child. . .
UB: And "I want to torture him," right?
Mom: No, of course, but the child is already a year and a half, I was told about the amazing method of early reading, and I was told about it.
UB: Terrible, I won't even listen. This is called “pulling at the top.” Or behave like some children: plant something in the ground, and then immediately take out – check – whether the plant has taken root. Sing songs, read stories, live with him.
Mom: I read him books about animals. . .
UB: With designations...
Mom: I read him, he repeats syllables after me.
UB: Very good, learning to speak.
Mom: If I don't, the next day he forgets whether it's worth it to continue, to spend time on it.
UB: Wasting time on it? That wording is inappropriate. Live with your child, talk to them, show them peace. But don’t practice with your teeth tight and wasting time. The tone of the time with the child is important. During the walk, some mothers have a goal: build a snow woman, swing on a swing, climb stairs. And the child is interested in the fence, and the cat, and the pigeon.
Is it necessary to rush to load the child with circles, apply various methods of development? JB: The child needs free time. Give your child 2-3 free hours a day. The children play very well with themselves. In the textbook for parents there is a story from the childhood of Agatha Christie. She grew up in a wealthy family, but her mother forbade the nanny to teach little Christie to read, because she did not want Agatha to start reading books that were not due to her age. When Agatha Christie was six years old, the nanny came to her mother and said, “Madam, I have to disappoint you: Agatha learned to read.”
Christie described in her memoirs how she played imaginary kittens as a child. She acted out stories with kittens, invented stories, endowed them with characters, and the nanny sat next to her and knitted stockings.
Such fantasies that play out in children, adults no longer. The rational mind kills creativity, ability, and opportunity. Of course, logic and rational grains must be, at the same time the child is a special being. You may have noticed that children sometimes “fall into prostration,” a state of natural trance. In this state, they process information particularly intensively.
The child may stare at the bug, at the leaf, at the sun bunny, and the teacher shouts to him: “Ivanov, you are catching a crow again.” But at this time Ivanov has an important thought process, he may be the future Andersen.
The same book describes the childhood of the violinist Yehudi Menuhin, the moment when he was sent to school, to the first grade, and after school his parents asked Yehudi: “What was in school?” – “A very beautiful oak tree grew outside the window,” he said, and nothing else. He was struck by the artistic nature.
And you don’t know what your child is struck by at the moment — the picture, the sound, the smell — but it’s definitely not the “unique technique developed, blahblab.”
As Maria Montessori said, “The child’s environment must be enriched.” Gray walls and an immobilized child are not what you need to develop.
What do you think of the Montessori Method? I don’t know what they’re doing with their methods. She was a deep psychologist, philosopher, doctor and a very subtle observer. She didn’t call teachers teachers, she called them teachers. She said, “Don’t interfere with what a child does.”
Montessori describes in his book a case where a toddler, to see fish in an aquarium behind the heads of taller people, begins to drag a stool to stand on it. But then the "master" snatches his stool from him, raises him above everyone so that he can see the fish, and Montessori describes how in his eyes the illumination, the triumph, the trace of what he himself found a solution, fades, descends from his face, it became submissive and boring. The teacher snatched from his hands the first and most important sprouts of independence.
It often happens that during games, some mothers ask their children to clean everything in place or require an assessment of the child’s actions from the teacher. Does Mom need a specialist to make an opinion about the baby? Her baby. The praise or evaluation of the teacher should be unimportant for the mother, and the important thing should be that her child naturally puffs, makes mistakes, searches, finds, the process in which the child is located should be important for her - do not climb into it, this process is sacred. published
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: letidor.ru/article/yuliya_gippenreyter_kogda_vy_r_99665/?fb_action_ids=724802110872242&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B394451844024406%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22.recommends%22%5D&f_map=%5B%5Dog
What do you think about tablets and computers? Are they harmful and what impact do they have on development? UB: You won’t get away from tablets and computers, it’s the environment in which children grow up. What impact does having a tablet have or what a child does with it? Maybe we should look at what he's doing with him and get involved in the joint process. You can best help the child in development if you do something with him, and, further, according to the law of the zone of proximal development (according to L. Vygotsky), first you will take on more, and then gradually delegate to him what he can do himself. As a result, the child will begin to do everything independently according to the law of internalization of abilities, skills, ideas, tastes.
But now it turns out that some parents and grandparents do not know the technology. In computer games, the law of any training applies - you do something, get a result, feedback, and, in the case of computer and tablet games, the opportunity to get a result is instantaneous. With good control and competent development, the computer industry is one of the directions for the child to acquire knowledge and skills.
The computer or tablet itself does not mean anything, it is important how the child uses it.
Mom asks: Many parents worry that their children spend more time on the computer than in communication with peers, and spending time in virtual reality, deprived of something else in life, what to do with it?
UB: Living in virtual space is a danger facing all of humanity. Children sometimes immerse themselves in it more than in real life, in overcoming obstacles not with their feet, hands, but with the help of running figures, in communication not with living people. It's dangerous, but I think parents are finding a way to avoid it -- to limit their virtual reality experience. You have to restrict your child to not eat chocolate all day or to be outdoors for ten hours playing football. This is about regime and discipline.
If there is such a problem, then you need to take action, but not drastic measures. To restrict means not just to prohibit, but to replace. Maintain his friendship with other guys, keep him busy with something interesting.
But what's going on? The computer game competes with the parent’s cultural stock and skills, and the parent loses. Well, don't lose! Evolve.
It's not the computer's fault. The computer does not have emotions, it causes emotions in the child. But you can also cause emotions in the child. Immerse it in development, in good classical music, theater, museums, painting.
But again, don't overdo it. My daughter, when she had a baby and it was a month old, would take an art album and open it in front of the baby. “What are you doing?” he asked, “I make a taste of it.” Music is probably possible at this age - the hearing is already working, and the eyes are not converging yet.
In my textbook for parents there is a story of the composer Sergey Prokofiev, he writes that he was literally born into music, because when my mother was waiting for him, she played the piano a lot, and when he was born, my mother played in the next room.
If a child lives in a cultured environment, he absorbs it. Absorbing culture is very interesting, but the science of psychology has not yet reached the understanding of how a child absorbs forms, colors, sounds, emotional shades.
In the computer, the child will not find all this, only in live communication. A child can and will listen to what they say. But if communication is reduced to shouting or orders, the child is shut off from everything that is broadcast to him. The channel of communication with the child should be very healthy, and, importantly, careful.
Is it necessary to raise children, or is it still important to learn how to build a dialogue with the child? What do you think of the word “education”?
UB: Often, education is understood as a “burden”. Imposing his tastes, requirements, tasks, plans and dreams: “I educate him as he should be, I know he should know what he should do.” If education is understood in this way, then I feel bad about it, and would pick up another word: developmental assistance. Becoming. Nurturing. Carl Rogers said that an adult can be compared to a gardener who helps a plant. The function of the gardener is to provide water, direct light to the plant, fertilize the soil. That is, to create conditions for development, but not to pull at the top. If you pull at the top and in which direction you need, you will not grow it.
Dialogue is a somewhat narrowed concept, I would say, mutual understanding, a mood for understanding the child. Yes, it is important that the child understands the parent, but the parent can understand more about the child. What does it mean to understand a child? First of all, you need to know your needs and take them into account. Needs change not only with age, but also individually, depending on the trajectory on which the child moves. Therefore, in the dialogue it is important to hear the child: why he does not obey, refuses, rude. If “hearing” is part of the conversation, I accept it.
Rough interpretations of the word “education”: when a child does not obey – to force, rude – to correct, offended – to say: “nothing to be offended, it is my fault”, I reject.
Should the child be praised often? At what point should the severity be included? To what extent so that the child does not close?
UB: You know, we fall prey to very general words. How is the volume of severity measured – in kilograms or liters? I prefer to consider specific situations.
If a child is praised, he has the feeling that if he does not do well, he will be judged. All praise has the opposite side: to praise is to evaluate. You may be familiar with the concept of “non-judgmental attitude to the child”. What does that mean? This refers to an unassessed attitude towards the child, not to his actions. You may have heard that it is worth criticizing the actions of the child, but not the child. Not "you're bad," "you're smart," but "I like what you said you did." “It’s not a good thing, you know it’s not a good thing, and you’re going to try to do better next time, right?”
Mom asks: It doesn't work that way. Sometimes I do what you say, and he says no to me and why?
JB: Come out here and tell me how this is happening. I like to talk specifically.
Mom: The child misbehaved, took the toy from his sister. I told him, you know, you know...
JB: Hold on. How old is the child, how old is the sister?
Mom: A 4-year-old son takes a toy from his two-year-old sister. The sister starts to cry, and he runs away with her toy, and apparently he took it on purpose. I tell him, you know what you did wrong, let's not do that next time.
JB: Take your time. You make a mistake in the first words: you know what you did wrong. It's a lecture, you read it to him. Notation does not lead to understanding you or to understanding the child. We need to see why he took her, what's behind it. There could be a lot behind this. And a lack of attention (he took away the toy, and his mother paid attention to it), and revenge on the little sister, because she has more attention. He has a long-standing and hidden resentment. We need to eliminate this emotional deficit.
Try to be attentive to the fact that the attention to the first child did not change with the birth of the second, neither in volume nor in quality. Of course it's difficult. I dragged my second child under my armpit, doing everything I had done to him before. And there was no jealousy, the elder very quickly began to help me and feel that we are one team. Do not allow lectures, understand the child and eliminate the cause of the “evil design”.
You cannot adjust your behavior in acute situations. When a child is doing something and you feel like they are being warmed up by some emotion, you will never correct their behavior in that moment. If you punish him, he won't change. Emotional reasons should be identified and tried to level them, but in a calm atmosphere.
Mom asks: The child is 9 years old, the situation at school: two children at the desk, one categorically does not like when they take his things, starts screaming and itching, my child knows this, but he will definitely take something from him. I start talking to him, he looks into the eyes and can't explain why he does that.
UB: Well, it's a concert! Why he should explain something to you, you will explain it to him.
Mom: I'm explaining! I said, "Sasha, you understand..."
(Laughter and applause cover up mom's speech)
UB: Thank you for your moral support. Such phrases are parental reflexes that emerged from culture, from the understanding of education as the imposition of our norms, requirements for the child without building a dialogue with him. First, accept the child and listen actively. Why has active listening gained popularity?
Because when parents begin to actively listen, and such reflexes begin to pop out of them very quickly, the children themselves are surprised, they instantly feel that they are better off, and they themselves begin to behave differently, to be more attentive to their parents.
Remember, as you turn to the child, and he will address you according to the law of imitation. Children imitate. So if you say "no, you won't," he'll say "no, I will." He mirrors you. It does. "I will punish you" - "Well, punish you!" It is not easy to take into account all the needs of the child. Same thing with husbands and wives. Do you think you can force your husband or wife to do something? Nope. What begins in children? Cheating your parents. It's like adults.
Are family traditions important for strengthening intergenerational ties? Do I need to communicate with grandmothers, and why do I need to communicate with older relatives?
UB: Family traditions are important, of course, part of the culture. Another thing is, what traditions. If the grandmother is alive and looks like Arina Rodionovna, then it is beautiful. But if the grandmother made it her goal to divorce her husband and wife, because she does not approve of the choice of a son or daughter, then the connection with such a generation should probably not be maintained. You can visit her, but not live with her and copy her manners. We must not be held captive by common words. Look at what the previous generation has to say. Of course, it is necessary to respect the elders, but if the grandparents speak badly about one of the parents, and you tell the child that he should still respect them, I do not really understand why.
It is more important to learn to respect the child. You may ask me at what age do you start to respect him? I'll give you a diaper. Already from the diaper, a child is a person. Respect his way, don't say, "I'll make you ... an accountant, an economist." What if he's an artist at heart?
Mom asks: A friend’s daughter doesn’t say hello to everyone. What do you do, make everyone say hello or give them freedom? JB: Do you need to force and push? I'd say no. We need to talk to the child and listen to him. A friend and daughter didn't talk, she's complaining about your daughter. There was no dialogue between mother and daughter, there were lectures. When a parent says these three words, "You understand," the conversation becomes a lecture.
When you talk to your child, keep quiet. Be prepared to pause. When you listen to your child, avoid questions. Be silent and try to get into the tone of the child.
Mom asks: What about politeness, responsibilities and discipline?
UB: The child must master many skills and abilities: brushing teeth, not getting out of the table and then return to the table, learn to pot, to spoon. It is necessary to try to make this knowledge flow into the life of the child gradually, without effort. Children stop doing something if the parent without respect, without taking into account his condition, experiences, insists on his rule, takes drastic measures. Selecting a computer, for example.
Ask your child to do something else instead of a computer. And then, in a calm atmosphere, you can negotiate the regime and the rules. Try to work things out in a peaceful environment. Do not be afraid to joke, humor in communication with children is very necessary.
Do you think habits are developed from constant drilling? Nope. They develop gradually.
It is not necessary to replace the regularity of the formation of habits with urges. You can use a note resembling a picture, a calendar, glue a sticker "Field me, please" on the flower, replace your voice with something else.
You don’t need to wake your child up to school, replace it with an alarm clock. Late, skipped, not your problem. You can sympathize with him: unpleasant, yes.
At what age can you be responsible for the lift? YB: It's 4-5 now.
Mom: So early, I thought at 10!
UB: I'll tell you a story about my friends. Kola Peninsula, polar night, darkness, two children: 5 years old boy, 3 years old girl. The children themselves get up, the brother wakes up the sister, they dress, wear coats and hats approach sleeping parents, wake them up and say: "Mom, Dad, we went to kindergarten."
May the bright image of these children inspire you. Don’t say, “Get up, you’ll be late, get dressed.”
Mom asks: How do you get kids to do that?
UB: Try it. Experiment. Try to behave completely differently than the child expects from you. Get off him, do not take away the development of the child by caring for yourself: “How will he continue to live?”
Dad asks: I want to clarify the situation with independence. My son is three years old and he started brushing his teeth, first with our help and now himself. He cleans them as well as he can, and our dentist said that the child will have big problems with his teeth, it would be better if I brushed them for his teeth. And it seems to be a simple thing, but it grows into a problem, I take the child's brush, I start brushing his own teeth, the child loses all interest in cleaning, and it turns into a psychological problem, I don't know what to do with it.
UB: Change the dentist.
Mom asks: Does genetics influence personality formation?
UB: What do you call genetics?
Mother: Alcoholism, genetic disease. We are talking about the adopted children of my friends, they brought up an adopted child, but nothing good turned out of him, despite the fact that they literally prayed for him. I'm trying to understand.
UB: To the general question I give a general answer. There are genetic prerequisites, especially when it comes to somatic diseases. Tuberculosis, a tendency to alcoholism can also be transmitted, but not alcoholism itself. If the child is adopted, it is good to know the parents.
I believe in the genetic preconditions of temperament—someone more calm, someone more sensitive, or someone more gambled, as detailed in my character book. But genetics is not a person: noble, honest, independent, believing in ideals, or self-serving, selfish, criminal - a person shapes the trajectory of life, the environment, parents and grandmothers, society. What is valued in society now? What society? What does the child take for himself? It's not genes.
My daughter is 4 years old, we make toys from puff dough. I say to her, ‘Look what beautiful toys we make,’ and she says to me, ‘Yes, they are beautiful, but I have more beautiful.’ Why does she say that?
JB: I think you’re growing your family. She wants to praise herself and expects praise from you.
Mom asks: What to do with the desires of children to buy some scary doll like the monster High? She says, “Everybody has, I don’t?”
YB: Advertising and fashion are social winds, they pass like viruses, but you can’t isolate a child from them. You can protect yourself from influence only with solid principles that you have created in yourself. If you are against something, grow this protest from the diaper, and if you partially feel that the child is right about something, or you feel that you are wrong, tell him about it. He will be infinitely grateful to you. If you admit that you are wrong, you will take a giant step forward.
Mom asks: What do you think about the early development of the child, my husband and I have different views on this issue. He says I shouldn't torture a child. . .
UB: And "I want to torture him," right?
Mom: No, of course, but the child is already a year and a half, I was told about the amazing method of early reading, and I was told about it.
UB: Terrible, I won't even listen. This is called “pulling at the top.” Or behave like some children: plant something in the ground, and then immediately take out – check – whether the plant has taken root. Sing songs, read stories, live with him.
Mom: I read him books about animals. . .
UB: With designations...
Mom: I read him, he repeats syllables after me.
UB: Very good, learning to speak.
Mom: If I don't, the next day he forgets whether it's worth it to continue, to spend time on it.
UB: Wasting time on it? That wording is inappropriate. Live with your child, talk to them, show them peace. But don’t practice with your teeth tight and wasting time. The tone of the time with the child is important. During the walk, some mothers have a goal: build a snow woman, swing on a swing, climb stairs. And the child is interested in the fence, and the cat, and the pigeon.
Is it necessary to rush to load the child with circles, apply various methods of development? JB: The child needs free time. Give your child 2-3 free hours a day. The children play very well with themselves. In the textbook for parents there is a story from the childhood of Agatha Christie. She grew up in a wealthy family, but her mother forbade the nanny to teach little Christie to read, because she did not want Agatha to start reading books that were not due to her age. When Agatha Christie was six years old, the nanny came to her mother and said, “Madam, I have to disappoint you: Agatha learned to read.”
Christie described in her memoirs how she played imaginary kittens as a child. She acted out stories with kittens, invented stories, endowed them with characters, and the nanny sat next to her and knitted stockings.
Such fantasies that play out in children, adults no longer. The rational mind kills creativity, ability, and opportunity. Of course, logic and rational grains must be, at the same time the child is a special being. You may have noticed that children sometimes “fall into prostration,” a state of natural trance. In this state, they process information particularly intensively.
The child may stare at the bug, at the leaf, at the sun bunny, and the teacher shouts to him: “Ivanov, you are catching a crow again.” But at this time Ivanov has an important thought process, he may be the future Andersen.
The same book describes the childhood of the violinist Yehudi Menuhin, the moment when he was sent to school, to the first grade, and after school his parents asked Yehudi: “What was in school?” – “A very beautiful oak tree grew outside the window,” he said, and nothing else. He was struck by the artistic nature.
And you don’t know what your child is struck by at the moment — the picture, the sound, the smell — but it’s definitely not the “unique technique developed, blahblab.”
As Maria Montessori said, “The child’s environment must be enriched.” Gray walls and an immobilized child are not what you need to develop.
What do you think of the Montessori Method? I don’t know what they’re doing with their methods. She was a deep psychologist, philosopher, doctor and a very subtle observer. She didn’t call teachers teachers, she called them teachers. She said, “Don’t interfere with what a child does.”
Montessori describes in his book a case where a toddler, to see fish in an aquarium behind the heads of taller people, begins to drag a stool to stand on it. But then the "master" snatches his stool from him, raises him above everyone so that he can see the fish, and Montessori describes how in his eyes the illumination, the triumph, the trace of what he himself found a solution, fades, descends from his face, it became submissive and boring. The teacher snatched from his hands the first and most important sprouts of independence.
It often happens that during games, some mothers ask their children to clean everything in place or require an assessment of the child’s actions from the teacher. Does Mom need a specialist to make an opinion about the baby? Her baby. The praise or evaluation of the teacher should be unimportant for the mother, and the important thing should be that her child naturally puffs, makes mistakes, searches, finds, the process in which the child is located should be important for her - do not climb into it, this process is sacred. published
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: letidor.ru/article/yuliya_gippenreyter_kogda_vy_r_99665/?fb_action_ids=724802110872242&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B394451844024406%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22.recommends%22%5D&f_map=%5B%5Dog
