How not to raise children: 10 “not” Julia Hippenreiter

How not to become a mentor to your child? How to teach children independence and convey their feelings to them? At a meeting with readers, the famous psychologist Julia Hippenreiter gave ten tips on what not to do when communicating with a child.





Don’t be afraid to change your life trajectory.

Many people ask what is worse – a child abandoned by a working mother, or a child who only sees a mother tortured by household chores. There is an opinion that you need to choose - either self-realization or children.

In fact, if you are sitting with children and you are bored and unwell, change the situation. If you went to work for a full day, and you are uncomfortable and tormented by your conscience that you abandoned your child, change the situation again. That doesn’t mean you have to give up work. It’s just that there’s room for thought and creativity – think about what kind of job you need and what degree of employment you have. You need to respond to your internal dissatisfactions. Emotions are our main guide.

A person becomes happier when different parts of his soul and mind agree with each other. There is no need to suppress any part of yourself, neither in relation to children, spouses, nor work. Be more sensitive to yourself, get rid of schematic reasoning: either pots or success in society. Such simplifications are not about real life with feelings and the will to change. Don’t be afraid to take risks and change your life trajectory.

Don't expect a miracle.

A mother once asked, “If Dad comes home fifteen minutes before the boy goes to bed, how do I get them to make contact?” They can make contact. But to become a full-fledged father to this child for fifteen minutes a day he will not succeed.

In the memory of the child will remain mother, grandmothers, aunts, nannies and their attitudes, characters, way of thinking and attitude to the world - but not dad's. Because a lot is transmitted to the child not through direct speech, but through observations of loved ones and their relationships. And these relationships children reproduce in their lives. Therefore, unfortunately, such a boy will not be able to raise his son fully, he simply will not know how - after all, his father did not raise him. There are no miracles.

Do not force yourself to play with the child.

Until school age, the main way of existence of a child is play. What matters is not how many hours and minutes you spend with him, but the quality of your games. Do not force yourself to play with your child through force. He feels and hears that you are bored with him. Find out what you are interested in doing with your child.

In addition to joint games, the child must be able to independently occupy himself and play. “I do it myself”, “I invent it myself” goes further into “I think myself”. You won’t be able to build his mind for him. Therefore, it is important that there is not only “we together”, but also “I myself”. We need to let him go so that he stops relying on his mother: what should I do now? What should I do? It is important to carefully remove yourself from the game so that the child plays himself.
Moreover, parents should not say “we” about the actions of the child. “We went to kindergarten,” “we went to the second grade,” “we are preparing for school,” and then “we went to university.” It is important for children to distinguish between “me and mom” and “me”.


Don't "educate" the child

The child is often brought up on the basis of what the mother and father consider to be the main thing, from their ideas about how the child should behave and how his life should be organized. Undoubtedly, the child needs to ensure safety and in many ways limit, at least so that he does not fall from the window from the sixth floor and know how to cross the road.

It is important that he eats, sleeps and is potty-trained. But for a spiritual contact with a child, this is not enough. To understand a child means to understand what he wants, what is difficult for him, what is impossible for him, what he dreams about and what is most important for him. Often children find their desires in sharp forms: “I don’t want to sleep”, “I want ice cream”, “I want you not to go to work”.

All these direct “I want” and “I don’t want” are actually reproductions with different signs of parental “needs”, which we call upbringing. We need him to sleep and eat on time, we have to go to work. What does he want? I will say, perhaps sharply and paradoxically: if you want to establish spiritual contact with a child, stop educating him.

Don't always be right.

Most often, education in our parenting practice is teaching. We say do this. If the child does not do that, we correct him. So we control it. At best, your insistence works: “Read, read, read – it is necessary.” At worst, bullying: “If you stick to a computer, you will become addicted, like alcoholics.” If you do not study well, you will be kicked out of school and sweep the streets.” Our upbringing gives the child the form we need, and criticism, intimidation and punishment freeze this form: “It is impossible!”, “It is necessary!”

If the child made a mistake, we first hurry to correct: “Well, you know how to fold, we taught...” And you make a mistake on purpose, write to the first grader: 2 + 5 = 6. How happy your child is that their parents are wrong too! Children are used to being controlled and oppressed. They're nothing. Don’t teach your child, play with them. After all, in fact, a child miraculously already from birth laid a lot of healthy energy. It's mostly developing on its own. A child is a person in a year. We need to respect their interests and give them the opportunity to self-determination.





Don’t stop, let him go where he wants.

We nervously pull tights on the child because we are late for kindergarten. He’s sitting there thinking about something. Because he already knows: he will be dressed, led, handed over - when and where parents need to go. It will be formed. What does he want? What are his interests? Ask him when he is young and he will tell you everything. Otherwise, it will be too late - in adolescence, he will already hide his interests from you - he is used to being an object of upbringing, and not the subject of building his own life.

The motivation of the child, his interests should be respected as the apple of his eye and developed. The ability to find yourself is the secret of a happy person. The child always wants something, and if you throw food for his interests, he will go on the path of happiness. Let the child find himself and don’t panic: “Ooh!” Where did he go looking for himself? Let him go. A two-year-old can’t say “c” yet, but he’s already saying, “I’m sham!”

Don't scare the cruel world

I often hear this question: Here you, Yulia Borisovna, preach humanism and respect for the child. And our society preaches violence, cruelty and cunning. And if at home the child will be only white and fluffy, how will he prepare at least for a school where suppression and command system works? ?

I have an answer to such questions. The more safely a child leaves home to the world, the more prepared and strengthened he is. The more he was understood and respected, the more he was able to realize his interests, the better his self-determination developed, the more his ability to resist, that is, his resistance to cruel conditions, will be developed. Conversely, if you are a tough parent, your child is weakened when you enter the world.

And don't forget to talk about feelings.

Studies show that the development of so-called emotional intelligence is important for how well a child will be able to cope with difficult situations in the future. To develop emotional intelligence in children, you need to use the vocabulary of emotions in communication.

More often use words describing your condition and the condition of the child, call by their names different experiences, affects and feelings. The child’s emotions should be listened to and voiced to him: “you want”, “you are unhappy”, “you are angry”, “you cry”, “you really, really want ice cream, and I forbade you, and you were upset because of this”.

Tell the child about himself, about his states, the dynamics of his experiences. Translate childhood tantrums and manipulations into a conversation about his feelings. Do this not with anger, but with understanding. And don't ask, "Why don't you listen?" We agreed...” The child may not know the answer to these questions. And you only lock the emotional contact, bringing the conversation to a logical level.

And don’t forget to convey your feelings to him: “You are now refusing to dress, and it makes me very sad”, “I am very sorry that I can’t let you have tenth ice cream” (here is also a spark of humor).

Don't exhort

“You promised me that this was the last movie!” This is called a warning, and it is very harmful. It is better not to ban something unconditionally, but to introduce a rule. Rules are not negotiated or negotiated.

The child says, “I don’t want to go to bed.” Go to meet his mood: “Do you not want to sleep?” And you're really upset that we have this rule? I wish there were no such rules! Yes, some rules are very nasty... But I can't do anything about it because it's the rule. Such a conversation will make life easier for everyone.

“You know you can only wear cars on your birthday” is a warning. If the child needs something, do not enter into negotiations, do not dispute his words, but set limits. And most importantly, don’t lecture him, just understand him: You really need a machine. You really want her. I don't have a chance right now. But I will remember you need one.”

But remember, apart from the rules, children should have rights. If a child doesn’t get what they really need, they’ll break your rules, argue, lie, and hide. He will respect your rules if you respect his motives and rights.

Do not replace the real world with gadgets

The peculiarity of new technologies is that they give instant feedback. That is, a child raised on gadgets is not used to the fact that the reaction to his actions can be delayed, delayed. Another feature is that the interaction is physically limited.

With gadgets, small hand manipulations bring a huge flow of information. As a result, they make it impossible to study the physical laws of the interaction of objects. And the third characteristic feature of new technologies: emotional relationships in computer games and social networks are narrow, limited to given forms.

Parents should understand the riches of the real world and its parameters. Identify which of these parameters in technology have been cut. When you limit the interaction of children with gadgets, fill the free time with activities in which the child gets what technology does not give him.

Moving classes, real actions with objects, emotional communication with mom and dad – this is worth paying special attention to. There are no smells, no touches, no intonations on social media. If you share emotions with a child, instill in him a taste for the real world, then by the time he goes to school, the limits of gadgets will be well known to him. And he doesn't want to sit on the phone for more than half an hour.



There's something wrong with your baby if... .

If the children are still alive, this is a working family model.





P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!

Source: slon.ru/posts/56137