Yuliya Gippenreyter - Professor of Moscow University, a talented teacher and well-known child psychologist. She has written numerous articles, monographs and textbooks on education and training of children.
Today we will talk about her book "We continue to communicate with the child. So?". The book has become a market leader, thanks to the clarity and the importance of the disclosures. Any parent interested in adequate child-rearing issues, and in the book Julia Gippenreiter are talking just about how to understand your child. Much has been said about the understanding of its nature and basic needs. Site grow in Tver hopes that this book will help you (and us) to understand more about their children and to approach their education properly.
The basic needs of the child
The main idea of the book "We continue to communicate with the child. Since? "It is that the basic nature of the child lies in the development and demand freedom. The child is active from the moment of his birth, and this reflected his desire to move and to express their thoughts through speech.
The desire for freedom also comes from the cradle and is manifested in the desire to "I myself", "I can." When a child does something that chooses on his own initiative, he will continue his studies until then, until you get the result. The result will develop his self-confidence and stimulate the desire to develop further.
So let children reach only themselves, do not disturb them and do not interfere in their activities, an adult should encourage the child or help only after his request.
Errors in education
An important error in the upbringing of children is parental sverhzabota, because to love any business or its result, the child needs to achieve this. Sverhzabotoy adults hinder the development of their child. Often the parent sverhzabota literally choking genuine interest in learning in a child. For example, the more you drive your baby's arm, fearing he would fall, the more he learns to walk independently.
Children are able to scrutiny, knowledge and learning are interested in their subject matter, adults should not interfere with the children to dream, explore the world and wonder.
Children are much more attentive and impressionable adults. Their memory stores the points that we could count the little things. Children do have deep emotional conclusions.
Very often the children themselves seeking solitude to dream and do what he likes, even in spite of the parent. Therefore fruitful loneliness contributes to the development of the child's talents.
The internal needs of every child should be treated with due respect. If we want to attach a child to something, we need to decide on its needs. Otherwise, you can assume a negative attitude to the occupation, to which we want to attach. Remember how many of your friends have thrown the notes as soon as the music school.
Pressure and coercion usually leads to the fact that with age, the child is not ready for the choice of your true life path.
Freedom or permissiveness?
"If you do not make, what about discipline?" - Ask any parent. Believe me, with free children amazing transformations occur. Children are inquisitive and kind originally, by its very nature. Just laziness and lies take their origins from coercion and punishment breeds hatred and resentment. And this child will throw out the offense in the form of negative and often anti-social behavior.
There is a vicious circle - the child behaves worse, parents are increasingly pressured him. And just to give him his freedom. Naturally, there must be some categorical 'no', we do not put equality between freedom and permissiveness. It is necessary to replace that children quite loyal to certain restrictions. These restrictions should be discussed with the child together, explain why you think things are not valid data in behavior.
A huge influence on the identity of the child has parents and family environment in general. Thus brought up his moral character. Parents are obliged to create for its normal development, "enriched" environment - it is toys, and books, and family traditions, and, of course, the conversation with his father and mother
Schooling for order and rules
Daily stumbling block in any family child becomes accustom to order. Of course, no single recipe or advice here can not be. First of all, you need to depend on the organization of the child order around him - all things must have their place and return to it after use. It is also important to parents to communicate with your child about the different household chores and communicated not only in words, but filed a positive example. Schooling should start as early as possible and do it systematically as long as the cleaning and grooming shall not enter into the habit.
Sometimes it will not be superfluous to teach the child to his own errors and not to take responsibility for his actions. For example, the child is too long to collect toys or washes, because of this he missed favorite cartoon. Theoretically, a small trouble, but he realizes that the next time it is necessary to do all the time.
There is another question - whether to pay your child for good behavior, excellent grades or chores around the house? In many families this practice. From the author's perspective, no. Activities such as helping around the house, going to school meant themselves. Paying such a work, you deprive the child's ideas of duty and family relationships.
To punish or not?
There are two main types of parents: soft - prefer persuasion and occasionally threats that never performed, and authoritarian - are punished and require submission. Of course, neither the first nor the second position is wrong and will not result in the child's upbringing.
The punishment is necessary in many cases, because it is a signal of the specified violation of the order. Punishment does more serious adult words.
But it is not used to cause offense and fear. Believe me, it is useless. Afraid of being punished, the child no longer break the rules (in the conventional sense - to behave badly), it will just cheat, but continue to do the same. The child should be given to reflect on their behavior, to understand why it is bad.
Common example of punishment, of course, does not exist, but there are common elements that must be followed, as it may be boiled in your emotions. First of all, a reaction to an offense should be fast, but quiet, should follow an explanation of exactly what to do (and not a criticism of "why are you?", "You again"), you need to grab the attention of the child (to pick him up, if he is angry ) and pronounce the words with absolute hardness of punishment. It is necessary to explain to the child available discontent adult, and specifically tell you he has in this case want.
You can not long put off the punishment or missing, it must follow immediately after the offense - the only way a child would understand what he was being punished. Punishment should not be physical or offensive - it only angered a child - standing in the corner or a ban on anything quite suitable
Foster - both
Sometimes in their demands and claims should just suddenly go over to the child. He throws things and does not want to dress up - and start throwing you. Very often it is just such actions by contradiction and force children to obey. And most importantly, make the child understand that you are not the enemy, but a living, emotional person, and you do not need to wage war, but really can be negotiated.
A sense of humor is often very helpful in building relationships "parent - child". Equally important is the involvement in the everyday imagination of the child, inventing different stories together. Participation of adults in children's games and entertainment - definitely the best gift for a child
Sincere and open involvement in a child's life has a much greater impact than a strict upbringing and the older parent. Stay yourself a child, look at the world through his eyes, and you lot will understand his behavior quite differently.
Listen and hear
It is important to be able not only to listen to the child, but also to hear and understand his words. I understand not only the words, but also to feel his emotional experience. And make it clear to your child that you do it heard and understood - in this case will help the method of "active listening." In these moments it is important to repeat the words baby and at the same time to call his feelings and state. For example: "You do not like this dress you afraid that you will laugh at??"
It used also "passive listening", ie fewer words. It can be single words or interjections. For example, "What a pity", "Really?».
We are now considering the situation when the child is emotionally filled and needs active listening. Here, in any case will not help reproach, moralizing, criticism, ridicule and speculation.
It is important to repeat for the other party can not as a question, and in the affirmative, do not ask and do not give advice (that you put yourself above the child that may offend him and to extinguish desire to talk about the issue).
You must put yourself in the place of the interlocutor in active listening, the only way we can hope for a positive result. Of course, we need exercise, so do not be discouraged if you do not succeed the first time.
It is worth to remind parents that active listening - this is not the way to achieve their own, but an attempt to establish contact and trusting relationship to the child in the course of the conversation he tried to find a way to solve the problem
Parents have to overcome two obvious difficulties - natural self-centeredness of the child and the original power of adult
While the children are small, they have to care for, feed and lulls, this attitude makes the child the impression that he is the center of the universe. And its self-centeredness does not pass by itself, the child has to face challenges - needs and desires of others, often quite painful it is perceived. It is natural that on this basis there is a lot of conflict with adults. Some parents may not bear the feelings of the child and often go at it on occasion. A child with pleasure uses this situation.
From his position often adults are addicted to power (sverhzabotoy) and often the desire and feelings of the child overshadow, believing that they understand the situation better from the height of his age.
Reaction children in this case results in resistance, aggression. Either the child becomes obedient, but lazy and passive, doing all that was required of him, but absolutely indifferent, shifts all the responsibility on parents. Terrible, of course, and then, and more.
Is there a happy medium? Is it possible to give a child?
It all depends on the situation - some concessions are always possible. It is necessary to take into account the child's condition, the force of desire and suffering, damage to the parent of concessions and other nuances. If you can not change the situation (for example, parents are divorced and the child wants to live with both), you need to talk to the child from the heart, let him speak.
Never too late
What to do if a child education already "running"? The answer can be only one - to change and, above all, start with yourself. Parents who are accustomed to live and to raise a child, it is very difficult to change their behavior, stop to press him.
For parents, this is a very difficult process, they are experiencing a lot of emotions - anxiety, worry, fear for the child, the fear that he can not cope without them or do something wrong. Let him go, let freedom.
Yes, probably the child temporarily becomes worse to learn, since the freedom of will expand its area of activity, among other things the child does not know how he really responsible for their actions and plan of action, because it is already used to shift the responsibility on the shoulders of parents.
We talked about it in the beginning of this article. These deteriorating parent must endure, all the time. This is the process of growing up.
Author: Julia Gippenreiter