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Methods of education should be selected “under the growth” of parents
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Methods of education should be selected “under the growth” of parents, taking into account their characteristics, attitude to children and their level of culture. Parents are really very different: there are smart and loving, they are simpler, there is nowhere. It is not true that all parents care about children; it is not true that all parents love children. It is difficult to call homeless parents, although many of them have children, including in different cities. On the other hand, there are such names as Janusz Korczak and Anton Semenovich Makarenko, Maria Montessori and Rudolf Steiner: teachers from God who love children and know how to love children. The bulk of the parents are located between one and the other poles, they are simply ordinary parents. Thus, all parents can be divided into three categories: “problem”, “ordinary (middle) parents” and “advanced parents”.
How to educate problem parents? Problem parents do not cope with the tasks of upbringing, nor with the children themselves. They do not raise children because they do not know how, and to a greater extent because they do not care for children at all. Children are more of a hindrance to their lives, and when children come under their feet, they tear their mood at them.
How to educate problem parents? The answer is no. More precisely, since it is done now, when they write articles and conduct conversations with them, it is useless to work so. These people do not read books, lectures and webinars do not listen, it is useless to invest in such parents. Write them articles and talk to them about the fact that children should not be beaten – meaningless, they will not hear it. With regard to problem parents, it is not education that is required, juvenile justice is required, and this is quite a conversation that goes far beyond psychology. If you can take over their influence on their children, if you can raise their children beyond their influence, some results are possible. At the same time, these investments are unprofitable: they are expensive, the exhaust is small or directly negative.
From orphanages, where more than twenty billion rubles are invested annually, criminals, alcoholics and drug addicts are now entering Russian society. According to official data of the Prosecutor General’s Office of the Russian Federation, only 10% of graduates of Russian state orphanages and boarding schools adapt to life, 40% commit crimes, another 40% of graduates become alcoholics and drug addicts, 10% commit suicide. In Singapore, this problem was solved differently: mothers who give birth and abandon children are offered sterilization in exchange for solving the housing problem. They're public housing. 20 years later, the problem was solved.
It is possible and necessary to work with children of such parents, but in other ways. What? The only successful approach known to us is the approach of A.S. Makarenko. He turned young lazy, thieves and bandits into decent and decent people, but more on this - below.
What to teach ordinary parents? Average parents with children are managed, but situationally and unevenly: once more successfully, sometimes less, in different situations in different ways. Children are brought up stupidly, in mood, vaguely, not very understanding what is happening, “who am I with, what am I like,” how the card will lie down. And, most importantly, in snatches: I kind of educate, and now I am distracted by television, conversation, other things and troubles. In a good mood, children are entertained, and when they get them, they swear. Parents themselves know that it is impossible to beat children, but it does not work out, nerves can not withstand. If the children get them firmly, they can knock and then worry. However, there is no real interest in raising children, they are more interested in talking about cooking (if it is women) and sports (men).
What do you think of these middle-aged parents? What to talk about when it comes to raising children?
To set the tasks of raising children for such parents is inadequate and not worth it. It should be borne in mind that inept parents under the upbringing of children understand the reading of lectures and terrible shouts: “Stop immediately!”. They think they're educating: when they're angry, they ask, "Why did you do that?" and "Why didn't you remove it?" “Stop educating me,” the children shout back. The more they make noise at children, the worse the consequences. If you ask them to “bring up your children!”, it seems to be more harm than good: when they want the best, they succeed as always. If they want to be a parent, they will be better off with their children. The less ordinary parents raise children, the better the children. Let children be supported, let children play and be friends, let children talk: this will benefit.
For ordinary parents who do not know how to educate, it is better to remove their hands from their children and simply establish normal relations with their children. If you don't know how to educate, stay out of it. It's getting worse.
In fact, modern psychologists are already on this path when they give recommendations to parents about children. Traditional advice “try to understand children”, “talk to children”, “learn to listen to children”, “just be friends with children” – quite reasonable, because they distract such inept parents from the educational process, which they are actually incapable of, and focus on quite useful things that help them and their children.
When the book says, “Don’t be in a hurry to tell your children.” Listen to the kids more, what do you mean? Listening to children is educating them. To a small extent. Listening is not making noise, listening is not swearing, listening, it is not in a hurry to say something like “think head”, “see what you are doing”. And when a parent stops making noise at children, stops educating, begins to listen to children, after a while the situation resolves. And maybe the child was not raised, and the situation in the house became better.
When parents become yesterday’s children who can not yet manage themselves, let them practice non-directive education first. It is a kind of education, but not through instructions, not through directives, but education by your own example, support and hint, the organization of the situation of life. Children can not say anything, but if you do exercises in the morning, it is likely that soon children will do exercises next to you. Without any directives, requirements and notations, children take the best from us, if it is good in us. In non-directive education, it seems that there is no education - but it happens in many ways.
Unfortunately, it happens only “in many ways”, and it is impossible to overestimate the possibilities of non-directive education. The child will like something to take from you, and the ability to lie beautifully or swear well he will want to take, interested in other samples.
In fact, the education of children of such parents should go only gradually, as their general and psychological-pedagogical culture increases. And you need to start with self-education: to teach yourself at home to live not only with feelings, but to turn on your head, stop gnawing at yourself for random mistakes, learn to control your emotions, monitor your speech and, in principle, work on yourself. As successes and life needs, you can gradually move to increasingly active management of children: to understand when requirements are appropriate, and when requests, to master the styles of Silovik, Dushka and Tactics, learn to competently praise and criticize according to the plus-help-plus scheme, not to be led to children's manipulatives, but confidently formulate their expectations for children and reinforce their necessary behavior.
So that if the children are told, it is still done, and mom and dad should obey. We treat our grandmother with love and respect – grandmother is an elderly person. And just solving situational problems is already a great thing. If the child at least does not bother you, at least because of the TV comes out, does lessons and goes to bed on time – you are already great people: you have learned to control the child.
In this case, parents are no longer middle parents. They become advanced parents.
Advanced parents are skilled parents. They easily manage children and consciously, skillfully educate them. Emerging issues with children, they solve for themselves comfortably and for children joyfully. The goals of their actions have been thought out, the funds have been selected, the results are analyzed every time: now it has passed, now it has not passed – next time we will adjust. Such parents have emotions under control, these parents do not break down on children. If they love children, but do not regret, because to regret and to love - things are very different. These parents can be methodically demanding, and if they have made a decision, they will not forget it, will do it and will follow through. They are not supporters of companionship: “Ah, everyone, now we harden the children!” – immediately the children were divided into frost. No, they will prepare everything, and then they will do all the best: weeks, months, years. They teach their children to learn, to think, and to talk to each other: day after day, calmly and attentively. If they say something to their children, they remember it and do not forget it. And the kids know that if you said something, it happened. This is not an accident, this is not a mood, this is not an emotion, this is a conscious position. They are conscious people, conscious parents.
And these parents can already raise children.
Parenting is different and more than managing a child. An obedient, controlled child is not yet a fully educated child. He does what his parents expect him to do, but only while he is with them, only in a specific situation. Stand aside, the child will do his thing, not yours. He is not yet the bearer of your habits and views, not the bearer of the values that you would like your child to have. Raising a child is teaching a way of life, attitudes and habits so that it becomes for the child his own. The educated child does not just do what is necessary, he has become different, he has become an adult, caring, thinking, it is inherently natural for him to be honest. What matters to him is what he was previously asked to do.
Ordinary parents raise their children only indirectly and only indirectly, only by their example and way of life. That's a lot, but that's not all. Education can be directed, demanding, and this is always a risk. Is it possible for advanced parents? Yes, you can. Advanced parents can do anything. Parents don’t have to tie their hands.
Unfortunately, I have to write about it. A.S. Makarenko fought off the attacks of traditional pedagogy all his life: his methodology worked amazingly effectively, but the teachers claimed: “The methods are not the same!” He was accused of authoritarianism, of imposing stick discipline, of disrespecting the child’s personality, of all mortal sins.
Let’s say that smart parents can do anything. They're masters. They know their children, their characteristics and their capabilities. If such parents choose to direct education, they can. If they know how to do it, it is effective, it is most effective, it gives better results. So, ordinary parents we recommend not to bother with children, and if you are engaged in education, then most undirectively. We will tell other parents, “Why are you afraid of your own children?” Whose family, whose territory, whose children? Come on! You're smart, you can! Come on! The kids will say thank you for that.
N. Kozlov Source:psychologos.ru
Source: /users/1077
Methods of education should be selected “under the growth” of parents, taking into account their characteristics, attitude to children and their level of culture. Parents are really very different: there are smart and loving, they are simpler, there is nowhere. It is not true that all parents care about children; it is not true that all parents love children. It is difficult to call homeless parents, although many of them have children, including in different cities. On the other hand, there are such names as Janusz Korczak and Anton Semenovich Makarenko, Maria Montessori and Rudolf Steiner: teachers from God who love children and know how to love children. The bulk of the parents are located between one and the other poles, they are simply ordinary parents. Thus, all parents can be divided into three categories: “problem”, “ordinary (middle) parents” and “advanced parents”.
How to educate problem parents? Problem parents do not cope with the tasks of upbringing, nor with the children themselves. They do not raise children because they do not know how, and to a greater extent because they do not care for children at all. Children are more of a hindrance to their lives, and when children come under their feet, they tear their mood at them.
How to educate problem parents? The answer is no. More precisely, since it is done now, when they write articles and conduct conversations with them, it is useless to work so. These people do not read books, lectures and webinars do not listen, it is useless to invest in such parents. Write them articles and talk to them about the fact that children should not be beaten – meaningless, they will not hear it. With regard to problem parents, it is not education that is required, juvenile justice is required, and this is quite a conversation that goes far beyond psychology. If you can take over their influence on their children, if you can raise their children beyond their influence, some results are possible. At the same time, these investments are unprofitable: they are expensive, the exhaust is small or directly negative.
From orphanages, where more than twenty billion rubles are invested annually, criminals, alcoholics and drug addicts are now entering Russian society. According to official data of the Prosecutor General’s Office of the Russian Federation, only 10% of graduates of Russian state orphanages and boarding schools adapt to life, 40% commit crimes, another 40% of graduates become alcoholics and drug addicts, 10% commit suicide. In Singapore, this problem was solved differently: mothers who give birth and abandon children are offered sterilization in exchange for solving the housing problem. They're public housing. 20 years later, the problem was solved.
It is possible and necessary to work with children of such parents, but in other ways. What? The only successful approach known to us is the approach of A.S. Makarenko. He turned young lazy, thieves and bandits into decent and decent people, but more on this - below.
What to teach ordinary parents? Average parents with children are managed, but situationally and unevenly: once more successfully, sometimes less, in different situations in different ways. Children are brought up stupidly, in mood, vaguely, not very understanding what is happening, “who am I with, what am I like,” how the card will lie down. And, most importantly, in snatches: I kind of educate, and now I am distracted by television, conversation, other things and troubles. In a good mood, children are entertained, and when they get them, they swear. Parents themselves know that it is impossible to beat children, but it does not work out, nerves can not withstand. If the children get them firmly, they can knock and then worry. However, there is no real interest in raising children, they are more interested in talking about cooking (if it is women) and sports (men).
What do you think of these middle-aged parents? What to talk about when it comes to raising children?
To set the tasks of raising children for such parents is inadequate and not worth it. It should be borne in mind that inept parents under the upbringing of children understand the reading of lectures and terrible shouts: “Stop immediately!”. They think they're educating: when they're angry, they ask, "Why did you do that?" and "Why didn't you remove it?" “Stop educating me,” the children shout back. The more they make noise at children, the worse the consequences. If you ask them to “bring up your children!”, it seems to be more harm than good: when they want the best, they succeed as always. If they want to be a parent, they will be better off with their children. The less ordinary parents raise children, the better the children. Let children be supported, let children play and be friends, let children talk: this will benefit.
For ordinary parents who do not know how to educate, it is better to remove their hands from their children and simply establish normal relations with their children. If you don't know how to educate, stay out of it. It's getting worse.
In fact, modern psychologists are already on this path when they give recommendations to parents about children. Traditional advice “try to understand children”, “talk to children”, “learn to listen to children”, “just be friends with children” – quite reasonable, because they distract such inept parents from the educational process, which they are actually incapable of, and focus on quite useful things that help them and their children.
When the book says, “Don’t be in a hurry to tell your children.” Listen to the kids more, what do you mean? Listening to children is educating them. To a small extent. Listening is not making noise, listening is not swearing, listening, it is not in a hurry to say something like “think head”, “see what you are doing”. And when a parent stops making noise at children, stops educating, begins to listen to children, after a while the situation resolves. And maybe the child was not raised, and the situation in the house became better.
When parents become yesterday’s children who can not yet manage themselves, let them practice non-directive education first. It is a kind of education, but not through instructions, not through directives, but education by your own example, support and hint, the organization of the situation of life. Children can not say anything, but if you do exercises in the morning, it is likely that soon children will do exercises next to you. Without any directives, requirements and notations, children take the best from us, if it is good in us. In non-directive education, it seems that there is no education - but it happens in many ways.
Unfortunately, it happens only “in many ways”, and it is impossible to overestimate the possibilities of non-directive education. The child will like something to take from you, and the ability to lie beautifully or swear well he will want to take, interested in other samples.
In fact, the education of children of such parents should go only gradually, as their general and psychological-pedagogical culture increases. And you need to start with self-education: to teach yourself at home to live not only with feelings, but to turn on your head, stop gnawing at yourself for random mistakes, learn to control your emotions, monitor your speech and, in principle, work on yourself. As successes and life needs, you can gradually move to increasingly active management of children: to understand when requirements are appropriate, and when requests, to master the styles of Silovik, Dushka and Tactics, learn to competently praise and criticize according to the plus-help-plus scheme, not to be led to children's manipulatives, but confidently formulate their expectations for children and reinforce their necessary behavior.
So that if the children are told, it is still done, and mom and dad should obey. We treat our grandmother with love and respect – grandmother is an elderly person. And just solving situational problems is already a great thing. If the child at least does not bother you, at least because of the TV comes out, does lessons and goes to bed on time – you are already great people: you have learned to control the child.
In this case, parents are no longer middle parents. They become advanced parents.
Advanced parents are skilled parents. They easily manage children and consciously, skillfully educate them. Emerging issues with children, they solve for themselves comfortably and for children joyfully. The goals of their actions have been thought out, the funds have been selected, the results are analyzed every time: now it has passed, now it has not passed – next time we will adjust. Such parents have emotions under control, these parents do not break down on children. If they love children, but do not regret, because to regret and to love - things are very different. These parents can be methodically demanding, and if they have made a decision, they will not forget it, will do it and will follow through. They are not supporters of companionship: “Ah, everyone, now we harden the children!” – immediately the children were divided into frost. No, they will prepare everything, and then they will do all the best: weeks, months, years. They teach their children to learn, to think, and to talk to each other: day after day, calmly and attentively. If they say something to their children, they remember it and do not forget it. And the kids know that if you said something, it happened. This is not an accident, this is not a mood, this is not an emotion, this is a conscious position. They are conscious people, conscious parents.
And these parents can already raise children.
Parenting is different and more than managing a child. An obedient, controlled child is not yet a fully educated child. He does what his parents expect him to do, but only while he is with them, only in a specific situation. Stand aside, the child will do his thing, not yours. He is not yet the bearer of your habits and views, not the bearer of the values that you would like your child to have. Raising a child is teaching a way of life, attitudes and habits so that it becomes for the child his own. The educated child does not just do what is necessary, he has become different, he has become an adult, caring, thinking, it is inherently natural for him to be honest. What matters to him is what he was previously asked to do.
Ordinary parents raise their children only indirectly and only indirectly, only by their example and way of life. That's a lot, but that's not all. Education can be directed, demanding, and this is always a risk. Is it possible for advanced parents? Yes, you can. Advanced parents can do anything. Parents don’t have to tie their hands.
Unfortunately, I have to write about it. A.S. Makarenko fought off the attacks of traditional pedagogy all his life: his methodology worked amazingly effectively, but the teachers claimed: “The methods are not the same!” He was accused of authoritarianism, of imposing stick discipline, of disrespecting the child’s personality, of all mortal sins.
Let’s say that smart parents can do anything. They're masters. They know their children, their characteristics and their capabilities. If such parents choose to direct education, they can. If they know how to do it, it is effective, it is most effective, it gives better results. So, ordinary parents we recommend not to bother with children, and if you are engaged in education, then most undirectively. We will tell other parents, “Why are you afraid of your own children?” Whose family, whose territory, whose children? Come on! You're smart, you can! Come on! The kids will say thank you for that.
N. Kozlov Source:psychologos.ru
Source: /users/1077
