Each of us may bring claims against their parents. We were also criticized. We didn't understand. Our parents could be with us too hard. Or tutelary. Or annoying. Or indifferent. They were sometimes inattentive to us, sometimes too demanding. We could humiliate. Someone — beat. Someone to manipulate. I know that smooth, friendly, loving attitude to the child, based on respect for his personality, his unconditional acceptance, and unconditional love, the exception to the rule, a rarity.
And you are very lucky if you were raised in such a family, in such a relationship.
But if still you are criticized and rejected, and sometimes did not understand — you have grievances and complaints to parents. In the us, adult men, kept the whole Deposit to the parents of unspoken feelings when we are hurt or rejected, or not understood.
Because we (and our children now!) not always expressed (could Express!) your sense of disagreement with parents. And as long as we live, these unspoken reproaches, complaints, hurts our relationships with parents are not very good, "cleared". Between us is a reservoir of unspoken feelings and emotions, unspoken words. And until we free ourselves from these claims, will not free yourself from these grudges — our parents will not be forgiven us. But every parent to be a good parent — you must first forgive your parents for the mistakes they inadvertently made against him.
Because until your parents forgiven you, you will inevitably constantly be doomed to repeat their mistakes. And you, who solemnly told as a child: "When I grow up, I will never treat my children" — you can do it that way. Unforgiven your father you will raise your hand to strike your child. Unforgiven your mother will force you to open your mouth and yell at your child, as did she.
Whether you like it or not — butnot forgiven us parents do remain in us, to us is their aggression or secrecy, their indifference or their obsession
. And they start to get out, to manifest in us. And there is nothing mystical. I would not release itself from the aggression accumulated in relation to the father — and she gets results on my own child.
Our children are becoming victims of our past relations with parents. To raise a child "new", clean, light — you need to be clean and bright man, not burdened with grievances and complaints, aggression and unforgiveness. And get rid of it — just. As strange to you as it sounds, but really — to get rid of resentments and to forgive their parents is much easier than living with constant pain in the heart, with hatred or rejection. Because to be free is to forgive
. And to forgive means to understand. To understand why they did it. Why they did it.
And they were just as they were. And raised us as best they could. How could, being as they were. (As we are doing now.) And not taught by anyone not trained by anyone to a child's upbringing — they inevitably (as we are now), made mistakes, often without even noticing that make them. Moreover, our parents are even less of us were taught to raise children. If you make mistakes in the upbringing now, at a time when there was a huge amount of literature about bringing up children when there are programs on radio and television devoted to raising children, there are trainings to help learn competent handling of a child — that he could know our parents lived in times of scarcity and deficit? They were even less prepared, less developed. So do this as I could do. And all they did to you, they did (as you are now!) — with the best of intentions.
They did it because I want to see you happy, I wanted to make you a good person. And they firmly believed that these methods and are really good people! Moreover, the time in which our parents lived, their parents — our grandparents, was largely determined by their ineptitude, haste, illiteracy education. Our parents ' generation, our grandparents grew up in the country, which is always needed small, an Executive person, an obedient, "all." Nobody put the task of shaping a bright, strong personality, defending their views and beliefs. This is what you need to be now, at the present time.
Generations of people in our country have been raised to be obedient, comfortable children. The country itself was formed of the obedient comfortable men, artists, cogs, obediently raising their hands to vote and agreeing with the policy of the party and government. It was a whole system of education, from children's and youth organizations, ending with the family. Our grandparents, our mom and dad did not know that we, their children and grandchildren will live in a different system where it is impossible to be small and manageable, where you need to be confident, strong, active, where you need to be able to stand up for themselves, defend their positions, to achieve their goals. Our parents acted, though unconsciously, the social order of society, of the country in which they lived. And we, modern parents, are still "infected" with this goal, although was not aware of it.
In addition, the generation of our parents and grandparents grew up in times of difficulty, hardship, limitations, when it was necessary just to survive, to feed their families and children. Even framework for life on one salary with the inability to make extra money — have tightened their lives and hardened hearts. Our parents lived in a situation of failure, financial constraints, forced, as they say, in the sweat of their brow to produce their bread — did not have time, did not have forces and possibilities to engage us, to Express love and support to the extent that we needed them.
I remember one of the participants, a man, with bitterness talks about the indifference, the insensitivity of parents. They worked in the factory and how the factory had a small plot of land. On it to plant potatoes, vegetables — the times were difficult, plots and such plots were a necessity of the time. And from spring to autumn every day after work family — the parents and the boy were outside together to go to work in this area. Always at five o'clock.
— I went into the army, I was not home two years. Finally, I'm back, came home, from home called my mom to plant.
— Mom. happily I said, ' I'm back!
— Well, — she said — Then at five o'clock at the entrance...
Talking about this case, the man could not restrain bitterness: so to meet him after two years of separation!
Yes, our parents were really dry sometimes, insensitive. But they could still be concerned about survival? God forbid we live in such difficult times, when "not to fat — to be I would live!" Can we condemn them for it? And even after the times of poverty and hardship many of our parents were forced to chase material wealth (that we create a more prosperous life!) and always price limit time for communication, intimacy, understanding we need. And we still continue to chase after material prosperity, are in a constant race through life. And we have no time and have nothing to give to our children. Because our hearts are not filled with love, and a constant bustle, anxieties, doubts about the future, desire to earn more. We are not far removed from our parents. So do we have the right to condemn them? Our parents were as they were. They were such as brought them.
Our parents were raised by their parents, who were raised by their parents who raised such by their parents. You can walk, as they say, to the fifth generation, at least before the ancestors of Neanderthals. You can all blame. But why?
It makes no sense to blame someone. Makes sense for us to do differently, "differently". They are not to blame, which was manifested as was shown. Rather, their problem. How can you condemn them for it? We can only regret that they were as they were. What they have lived such lives, what he lived for. That they now receive the consequences of his upbringing. One can only sympathize with people who have lived their life filled with love. To blame the parents for what they had done to you — all the same what to accuse them that they talked in the language in which they talked in Russian, Ukrainian or Kazakh.
They spoke it because they were born in a family where they speak that language. And you, born of these parents also began to speak it and now speak. And no one is to blame. You just got to a place where they speak such a language. But now you've grown and learned that there are other languages. And you can learn to speak these languages, if you start to learn.
And in the upbringing of the same. The language of criticism the language of failure where you said your parents had taught their parents, is outdated. And you can learn another language. The language of love. But first we have to take responsibility for the relationships that you want to create with your child.
And not to justify the fact that you have not learned that your parents have something not given. They gave what they could. But you're now acknowledging them and their mistakes, unable to give their children much more. There is another way to forgive our parents. This method is to feel sincere gratitude to them.
Our parents made the most important and wonderful to us act — they gave us life.
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THEY GAVE US LIFE.
THEY LET US IN ON THIS LIGHT.
Only thanks to them that we live now and may love and rejoice and to bear children, and learn new things. They opened up for us a world called LIFE.
And this act is justified, forgive them all the subsequent mistakes and transgressions. Especially because of all their deeds and transgression was not of evil intent. They loved us as they could. And brought up, as best they could. And tried very hard to bring us good. And they have it.published
From the book Marusya Svetlova "Education new"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©