American psychologists Robert and Mary Goulding have built the concept that many unresolved mental issues of parents are transmitted to their children, and in aggravated form. This transfer takes place by suggestion from parent to child in early childhood.
We can teach others only what you yourself possess. So parents pass on to their children "parental rules" about how to live, treat others and treat themselves.
Holdingi identified 12 such directives but in fact, every Directive has a few options that inevitably increase this number. So, what is a Directive and how to recognize it in the flow of everyday life?
That hidden orders are implicitly formulated by the words or actions of a parent, for breach of which the child will be punished. Not explicitly (a spanking or a slap, a silent blackmail or abuse), and indirectly — their own sense of guilt towards the parent who gave this Directive. Moreover, the true reasons of his guilt of the child (and often adults — because we control each other using directives) may not realize without help. After all, fulfilling the Directive, it feels "good".
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The first, and the most hard-Directive — "do Not dwell in»
Some parents are trying to raise a rebellious child, leading him sentimental conversation on the topic of "How much trouble have you brought us, having been born". They like to say: "When you were born, we had a very hard", "no One helped us with your education, we worked, and you had to feed and lead in kindergarten," or "If not for your birth mom could become a good actress."
Other parents, unable to stop a rambunctious child, throw in the hearts: "So you tore the bastard", "damn you". Third, with a whistle waving a belt to punish the little bully and tsedyat through his teeth: "You listen to me? I don't need such a naughty child!". And those parents, and others, and others absolutely helpless in your child's upbringing.
Trying to "hide" unpleasant feelings of anger, pain and resentment at the world for such phrases, parents invest in the child Directive "does not live". Not on purpose, but simply parents do not know another way. At the time their parents taught them to be obedient the same way. Putting a sense of guilt, not associated with some actions, and with the very existence of a child in the life of the mother or father. And now they have matured and given birth to a child, trying to manage it the same way. Unfortunately.
That "hears" the child from his mother, saying, "get Out of my face, you're a nuisance?". Children perceive everything literally, and he unconsciously decides: "Mom doesn't want me to see. I wish I were dead, it would solve all the problems". How to die, the child does not know, but mom's command needs to be executed (because my mother is a big one and know how?).
So for him a way out of difficult situations may become frequent injuries that happen to him "accidentally". That's why there are constantly torn pants and broken children's knees, and scrapes and scratches. To say nothing of sprains and fractures? As it sounds this order for the child throughout life, as an adult, he will find other ways of unconscious self-destruction (alcohol and drug addiction).
Chronic wine "I'm in the way mom, I owe her something" leads to the fact that the child cannot adjust to life. The feeling of being "nehoroshesti", the desire to prove to myself that "I mean, I mean something" forcing a child to rowdy behavior outside the home. Although the house such confused children usually behave quieter water below the grass.
How many times have we heard from his friends about their children: "wow, such a quiet child, well studied, and all of a sudden...". And it never occurred to mom that her baby is easier to feel guilty over a broken glass or nose, than to experience a constant sense of guilt at all for some unknown reason.
There is another option of following the Directive "do not live". The kid is so tormented by his strange fault to parents that cannot make a single step without their guidance. As an adult, he still can't realize their potential in different spheres of life. Because I used to think in childhood "Without mom I am nothing". He is completely helpless and unable to cope with the difficulties he, as her counsel breathing down his neck.
Different ways obedient to follow this Directive can be explained by the fact that parents giving a Directive, as if to shift the emphasis "not live." One child takes the order "do not live" as "Your life gets in the way of my life." The other understands — "don't live your life, and live my life."
In any case, direct perception of the Directive seriously, and he may try to get out from under its categorical, adding to the order of the particle "if". That is, "I can live if I don't pay attention to what I secretly asked the mother (or father)". And then the child falls in the range of any of the other directives that is more private.
So, after "if", you can add one of the following directives.
The second Directive — "don't be a child»
"I remember in my childhood I was very proud when my mom told me "You're big." Also, I was angry and capricious, when I have something did not work. I knew mom would be upset with me. Maybe even angry and will say: "Well, here. You're nothing she can't do. It is time for you to become more independent". I didn't like to play with other guys, I sat at home and read books. I really wanted to hurry and become an adult, intelligent and independent, to all to help my mother.
I did it — I became an adult. But sometimes, remembering my childhood, I think that the mother was not quite right. The child who still lives in me and is now afraid to ask for ice cream. At home, the peasant life". These bitter words I heard once from a very respected me his girlfriend. Person determined and serious, responsible and not afraid of challenges, but it is not able to enjoy life.
This is a sad story of someone else's life very clearly describes manifestations of the Directive "don't be a child." People who have received from parents this order, all the time growing up trying to "grow up". But as an adult, can not learn to rest and relax, as it feels guilty for my "childish" desires and needs. Everything else, such a person is a hard barrier in communication with children.
Their or other people's, whatever. To share their interests and live with them one life a man can not. It is easier to involve the child in his adult life, transferring to the Directive "don't be a child." "You're acting like a little", "You're a big to do", "You are my only support". Unwittingly, this man describes the child as "adulthood" as something very good, and as "childish" as something to be afraid of, and what to avoid.
What to do if you find such a Directive? Allow yourself your most cherished children's wishes. For example , buy a soft toy, pamper yourself with Goodies, fruit and candy. Sororate "caches" and hide in them the most, "Covenant", sometimes checking on the spot or not. Show the wife the language, if she says that you're crazy.
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The third Directive is "Not to grow", "Stay young" (opposite to previous).
We are the children. Children of their parents, who often don't want to we grew up. Why? What will they do then, if we grow up and move away from them? How can they live? Who will help whom to educate? The fact that they once got married because they wanted to live together, already forgotten. And now, some parents realize its value only in the role of "good father" or "good mother."
How sad to look to the future, thinking, "Here povzroslevshie (daughter), create a family, and I have no one I need"? Fearing such a fate, parents and inspire us, and then we are his children, the guideline of "not grow". "Childhood is the happiest time of life, do not rush to grow up", "Play, while small, here will grow up...""Mother will never abandon you" and so on.
The consequences of these "innocent" phrases is pretty sad. A child receiving a Directive to "stay small", decides that the parents will love him if he grows up. "Okay, I'll stay young and helpless, if it so wishes mother." This decision is often manifested then in the voice of the manners, behavior, motion. This person really seems very small. He can't maintain relationships with people he likes ("my mom wouldn't approve"). Afraid to do what you love, to have my own family ("daddy might oppose"). In short, the child who received the guideline of "not grow", never grow up, giving his adult life parents.
What if I want to leave this Directive "with the nose"? Remember that you, and only you, are entitled to their own growing up. Learn to take responsibility for their actions. Surely not all are like you, like your parents? But you learned to cope with them and defend their "passion." Transfer is the ability to defend and in all other situations.
The fourth Directive — "don't worry."
The order "don't think" might be the parent who constantly belittles the child's ability to think. "Don't get smart!""Do not go in the abstract", "don't talk, do". Also possible other options: "do Not think about a certain thing" (about the problem of money, some family secrets, etc.) and "don't think about your problems, think about my problems" (e.g., "Why do you bother with nonsense? Think about how what I say").
Used to live by the principle "many think harmful", people often make stupid things and then wonder how they could do it. They are not capable of solving difficult problems and often feel not at ease. If they are in the head and come in any strange thoughts, they drown them with alcohol, desperate sports or "crazy" fun. If you're accustomed "to act, not talk", try to increase the pause between the situation and his actions therein. Stop and consider the situation as if from outside.
The fifth Directive — "do Not feel".
This message can be transmitted by parents who are accustomed to restrain their feelings. Forbidding a child to experience emotions of anger or fear, they are doing the kid a disservice. He learns to not hear the signals your body and soul on possible troubles (fear, for example, warns of the danger, and anger helps to remove excessive tension).
Subsequently, this can cause very serious diseases. "Do not shiver from the cold, you're the man" "don't sugar — melt", "Big boys don't cry", "How can you be afraid of a dog, she won't bite", "be Patient, do not show their pain," says mom or dad. "Oh, thinks the child, to show emotion is bad, feel it". And ceases to feel.
And we then wonder his "indifference" or "heartless", although in reality he, as a "real man", clutching his feelings in his fist. Because of its low sensitivity, such people can often be victims of an accident are inclined to "run" the disease. A common disease among them — obesity.
This is because the physical sensation they are being deceived. But to succumb to this deception they started in childhood, having a parent requirement "is all you need, give." The result is a loss of a sense of saturation for the desire to be obedient and not to disappoint mom. How do you fix this guideline? Tip one is to feel. Listen to your body and to fulfill his wishes. Not be afraid of their emotions.
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Sixth Directive — "Not achieve success".
Seeing the success of their children, we feel a parental pride. Often, however, rejoicing for the child, we unconsciously jealous because he manages what at the time could not reach us. "We are not able to get a higher education, but deny themselves everything just for the sake of you graduated" at the heart of this phrase lies our parent envy. Sometimes we with the best of intentions warn the child: "don't do this, you have nothing, and you will be bad." Unfortunately, as we tell children "not achieve success".
Child under the influence of this Directive usually does well in school and diligently performs all tasks, but at a critical time of exams "somehow" gets sick or can't solve the problem. As an adult, a man with despair and says that he follows evil rock. Everything he puts his forces, suddenly "bursts" through no fault of his circumstances.
He can't finish the job. Of course, he did not realize that such jokes plays with him his unconscious, strongly resembling that to achieve success is to bring parents unhappiness and envy. One way of solving this problem may be as simple a thing as a friendly witness. The presence of such witness at the final stage of any important things, oddly enough, allows you to feel safe from someone else's envy.
Seventh Directive — "don't be a leader."
Its meaning is clear: "do not go", "keep your head down", "be as all". Parents, sending this order, I'm afraid to play a leading role, lost in public statements, for life, go to subordinates at work and at home, refuse to ask for what you want. They do not Shine neither the promotion nor the best deals.
My whole life they spend quiet as mice, if only they had not noticed a fat and greedy cat. Parents giving this Directive is, as a rule, act with the best of intentions. Why give a reason for slander and envy other people? Don't, baby, don't go, and what will they say?
Since the main problem people with this Directive — care from any and all liability to you, to the Directive to get rid of, you need to do the opposite. Not so, as advised by your parents. Put out. Climb. Learn to speak to people, to defend their beliefs. Forget your shyness and fear of mistakes. Take responsibility for your life.
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Eighth Directive — "you don't belong".
"You have me so shy, so difficult", "You're not like all" — stressing parents, passing the child order "don't belong". The meaning of this Directive can be decrypted thus: "you don't belong to anyone but me, because you're exceptional." The reason for this behavior of parents is that they are afraid to communicate with other people. People obeying this order, feels like a stranger among people, and therefore other often unfairly consider him to be reclusive and withdrawn. The sense of "apart from all" always will pull this person in the parent family, as among other people, he "cold and lonely".
To completely get rid of this Directive, in a situation of group confrontation of any threat, when the feeling of solidarity and camaraderie replaces childhood experiences. Another version of the release — a strong and reliable marriage.
Ninth Directive — "don't be friends," "don't trust".
This Directive is similar to the previous, but is not among other people, and in a relationship with one person. Phrase parents "don't trust Anyone, all men are liars", "Trust only me (the parent)" have the General meaning is something like this: "Any proximity dangerous if it is not closeness with me." With this Directive, the child concludes that the world is dangerous, and no one to trust.
Bringing such decisions in adult life, a man can always suspect people around him of betrayal. He will have difficulties in emotional and sexual relationships. Frequent for him and a role of a "victim", which the opposite sex constantly cheating and throws. Suspicion prevents these people not only in personal life but in business networking. Trying to somehow compensate for their distrust of the world, such a person will try to control everything.
What can you advise a person with this Directive? Learn to analyze the situation: where, to whom and to what extent you can trust. And... trust.
Tenth Directive — "do Not do".
Overly protective and cautious parents allow the child to perform many common actions. Don't touch the cat — scratch. Do not climb on the trees will fall. Do not ride on the rollers is broken. Fear parents worry about every act of the child, saying: "Wait, don't do this. Wrap your head around, and suddenly...".
As a result, the child is afraid to make any decisions on their own. Not knowing what is safe and what is not, he is experiencing difficulties at the beginning of each new case. Of course, the baby did not even realize that his fears — only obedient to follow the Directive, the meaning of which is: "don't do it yourself, it's dangerous. Wait for me.»
What to do about the "unfortunate owner" of the Directive? Start a new business boldly, without fear of any consequences, but do it with witnesses. Remember the Council is the holder of the Directive "not achieve success"? All exactly the same, only the word "end" is replaced with the word "begin". Friendly witness will help you to start any business. You go to the gym or get a new job. He will not let you stay "alone" with this Directive.
The eleventh Directive — "don't be yourself".
People with this Directive are constantly dissatisfied with themselves. He wants to be like someone else. The perfect athlete, the perfect parent. About such people they say that they are too critical of yourself More than others. So, because he has to constantly surpass other people. At least high demands to myself, if the other criteria fails. These people live in a state of painful inner conflict.
Being constantly dissatisfied with themselves and motivated by envy of someone or something, they start to run away from ourselves, because we are convinced that someone else is always better than your own. This envy of other people instilled in them by their parents, as always wishing "nothing but good". "Be similar to...", "Strive to perfect", "Why Anna (my love) it can, but you can't?""Here Dinochka already sews and knits, and you're still sewing on a button can't." And so on.
My parents wanted to teach the child to move forward, to be independent and assertive. But "we can not predict how our word will respond", not everything turned out the way they wanted. The child became a permanent doubt, and jealous of other people. More successful, more powerful, tenacious. That is to say, the ideal people. The result is clear: the complexes of inferiority and superiority in its purest form.
The second option of the Directive could be passed on their parents if they were unhappy with the floor of the unborn child. Assume, expecting a boy and a girl. In this case, their any phrase "it's a Pity you're not a boy, but then...""Yes, not that my child was born" make the child feel defective, as if born not according to the law. To get rid of this unpleasant feelings and please the parents, the child begins to be similar to what, on his view, see his parents. Boy — so boy, girl — so girl. At least a hedgehog or a frog, if only parents were happy. Most importantly, not myself.
How to do man with this Directive? Work on raising self-esteem and to stop reaching for unattainable ideals. You know that princesses poop too? Imagine what their that people. I think not perfect.
The twelfth Directive — "don't feel good."
Often, when a child is sick, parents want to cheer him up. They say to him gentle words and praise for the slightest things. "Wow, you're so weak, but was able to drink a glass of water". Or "it is Surprising that at this temperature the child manages to do the lessons."
The child who received this Directive, learns, on the one hand, to the idea that the disease attracted worldwide attention, and with another — to the expectation that poor health will increase the value of any of his action. Earned the complex patient. These people do not simulate the disease, they just use their health to obtain psychological benefits. "Sick is good as it allows you to feel good," subconsciously believe they are. It is a pity that these people are quite fast die, the body is not rubber — getting sick often cannot.
What can I recommend? Find other ways to feel wonderful. Enough to poison other people's life, your sores.
The concept of the 12 directives ends. Now, when you already know a little more about their problems, you may have different feelings. Don't rush them to push and hide. Give yourself to the experience.
You angered the assumption of Robert and Mary Holdingof that the parents gave you their unsolved problems? You want to protect parents, saying their justification something like "they raised me in a difficult time"? This is normal. For a child who's just an extension of the parents, it is hard to imagine that his parents were "bad" and "imperfect". Because you present the "bad" and "imperfect" itself.
How related your hurt and disease to your children
I will not be easier! Afford to be hard
You may feel anger or resentment, despair or anger, just suppose that from this moment it belongs to you to make a choice, to do or not to do anything. If you have a child, there's no need to be afraid of something to tell him. Avoid directives, being a parent, impossible. Still something, but will fly. Try to be not so categorical in their demands to the child. Let him know that you both are not robots, and can feel, do and be wrong. Remember that our dependence on the parent directives, it is not fatal. We can change their decisions. published