Born back: life with out the emotional connection

There are problems that are known to all, that is obviously there. Suffering from them is entitled to their suffering. But there are problems that are not defined or recognized, so in their society as if there is.

"Tell me, at what age begins the fun of a child?" — worried bewildered mother two-month old son. One-year-old. The three-year. A five year old. "Tell me when I'm no longer so scared of him getting tired?", "Tell me when to stop continuous tension until the baby is asleep?", "Tell me all of this someday?"

When Wendy was born, the parents have a lot of discussions how to be — whether to leave her, or to give to someone.

— I am very tired of Catherine, says M. with a sad wrinkle on his forehead. — It is easy to feed, bathe, put. But I am so bored. All day I toil and waiting for a husband and let me go. Then run to the computer and Reva.

Pippi was still a tiny girl lying in the stroller and screamed so badly that no one dared to approach her.

I've been very lucky with David. — proud A. — He is calm, cheerful and comfortable. However, I do not understand what to do with it. Fiddled on the bed, to pant, to shout like an owl. Two minutes have passed. Went around the room, looked out the window, pozhuzhzhal bee. Two more minutes. Tickled the heel, took a picture of the spout. Ten seconds...

— That you, mother, has a father; and the boss with Bethan too, always together. And I — I have no one!..

Anton just infuriates me — dejectedly admits K. — He slowly eats, grows poorly, rarely smiles, clumsy. And remembers nothing! I hate to point the finger and to repeat a hundred times: "This is a cat." And playing peek a Boo...

(Sobs in the gallery. O eternal parent beach playing peek a Boo...)

Jane and Michael and John and Barbara banks (not to mention their mother) require the best babysitter with the smallest salary, now.

The symptoms are different — boredom, stress, fatigue, irritation, anger. Mom izmeryaetsya from communication with the child, "removed" to the bottom, all the while dreaming of somewhere to go. And then the guilt sets poor mom: again I don't like to spend time with your own child, I'm a bad mother.

(Guilt is the ultimate companion to modern parenthood. Failed at least once to feel like a bad mother — you gave birth in vain).

However, thinking the mother from the guilt you have kids, not just me. For some reason, people give birth! Hardly just for the sake of eternal tension, anguish and anxiety. And if I do not go to friends or the Internet? With the optimistic question: "When will it all change?" or the pessimistic "It will ever change at all?".

Unfortunately, because the problem does not formally exist, the surrounding immediately begin to cancel.

— Do not worry, you're just tired. Will sleep will all change.
(Child is four years, with two he stopped waking up at night. But he began to argue with each word).

— You have postpartum depression! She looks quickly to see a psychiatrist.
(One woman post-partum depression lasted twenty-eight years. Does that mean the case was it?)

— All right, all the way live. Get used to it.
(If all lived, mankind would cease to procreate).

— I do too sometimes! Will see, soon it will pass!
(These are the ones who have "so" it never happens).

For parents who have by nature all the way, this complexity does not exist in principle (and therefore it is offhand so easy to resolve). And those years swayed in the same boat, most are silent. Because hammering in my head "it was not necessary to have a baby" voice is not easy, and most importantly — pointless: desperate interlocutor is already hundred times said to myself.

I'm not going to focus on the question should or should not to have been already born children. The child is not the goal of the parent incarnation, and just another person. Too early to think, does the world need a person that at the time of reflection equal to four years. And most importantly — even thinking to myself "I shouldn't have started Adam," no mom can't give birth to him back.

In this case, the serial drama "Born back" day after day takes place in many families. The main role in it played by exhausted parents who are not receiving children from the slightest fun (two minutes in the morning and kisses in the bath does not count), tired to tears, tormented by guilt, and most importantly — do not understand what is happening to them, why them, and what to do at all. Have the baby back, that's clear. Give it to grandma. Wait until he grow up and move out (only some twenty years). Die. All?

There is the concept of "emotional connection": the inner need for something or someone, the pleasure of his existence, his sense of emotional values that do not require technical evidence and giving a constant flow of warmth. You can determine the emotional connection as the meaning or content. It can occur in relation to the profession, animals, art, books, and any event or phenomenon. For many it arises in relation to children. But, unfortunately, not at all.

Wandering funny text how to prepare for pregnancy. They offer to hang up on the belly a sack of sand and every month to fill up it pounds in nine months to clear themselves in some interesting way, and then at night to set the alarm clock to wear in the dark that bag in your arms and sing him lullabies. Later in the same spirit, knowledgeable people crying from laughter.

With the theory all is clear. Hardly anyone seriously going a year Wake up during the night to sandbag, and then complain that the heat of the moment flushed it down the garbage chute does this mean that it is dangerous to have children?

In practice, outside of the emotional connection the child is given a harder than pulling the bag. Sandbag doesn't cry at night, not thick sucitu legs, and not like the grandfather. And most importantly, we do not have anything to feel towards him.

The word "connection" here is not accidental. People, events and processes to which we are emotionally connected, are for us a source of energy and strength. And what we are forced to do without the connection takes more power than it gives. And parents who complain of endless fatigue, feelings of guilt and the feeling of futility of communicating with children, in fact, complain about the lack of emotional connection to your child.

If the child is really complex, this partly explains the lack of fun — although it is still unclear which is the chicken and where is the egg. But the child can be an absolute sweetheart. Healthy, happy, beautiful, Yes he's five months, what are you talking about. That is all good. Why, then, so bad? I'm a freak. Or I imagined it? Because nobody has one!

The problem is not that it is wrong. The problem is that it does not happen. Recognition of the "I don't like my child", "it annoys me my child", "I don't feel the joy of a child" imply in the eyes of others, that someone is crazy.

Parents living with the child no emotional connection, you know: they didn'T show. In their relationship with the child and there was not what is considered in society inevitable "norm".

Parents living happily with a child inside the emotional connection, you know: norm looks that way. But how else? It comes by itself.

Formed solid ground of lack of dialogue. For the norm are concrete examples of the social contract, and at the same time the European literature. In the absence of emotional connection is not worth anything, because it does not happen.

There are only confused parents without that connection. But with the children.


In this place it is important to define a few basic things.

First. Emotional connection to the child is not a guaranteed part of parenthood. For someone it is. And someone — no.

It occurs, indeed, itself. Does not occur — also by itself. The nature, desires, or behavior of a parent is not dependent. The nature, desires, or behavior of the child too.

Emotional connection — not merit, and his absence is not the fault of the parent or the child. It just happens.

Second. Emotional connection and love are not one and the same.

Those who have it, don't see the difference. For them emotional connection flows from love, and love flows. But those who don't, well know can be very hard to love a child, be ready to give their life for him and right hand to put a lot of effort and money to take overtime and pay for a babysitter, but would not stay with him an extra day alone.

Substitution of concepts, in this case, truly dangerous: the dislike of the child in our days and considered, and there is unacceptable. Guilt corrodes the unfortunate parents who take the lack of emotional connection in the absence of love.

In fact, with the love most parents have everything in order. The love for a child is a natural instinct — just to Express it in different ways. Even when I openly say "I don't love my son", I'm inclined to translate this as "I find it difficult to reach my love to him." But "hard to get" just due to the lack of connection to the child and therefore with the ability to feel love.

Third. Emotions are connected or not connected simultaneously with the appearance of the child. In the first year are still possible changes: affect hormones, shock and lack of sleep. But in General, what the parent receives in this plan, together with a particular child, it is against him and has the rest of my life.

It is useless to expect when everything changes. At this point of course nothing will change.

Fourth. Emotional connection is born anew with each child. The lack of connection to the first child does not portend lack of connection to the second. And Vice versa.

In advance, sorry, nothing can be predicted.

Fifth. The lack of emotional connection does not mean that the parent to this child will never be good.

And then it's time to talk about how to be. How to live with the child, if the automatic connection to him? If you can not say that it is one kind of brings a smile, and the thought of it — a surge of warmth? If communication is at best slightly annoying, at worst very annoying? What to do to make life at least tolerable, and it would be better warm, nice and simple?

First of all, parents should realize what is happening to them and what is not happening. The lion's share of despair is the belief in his ugliness. "All people as people, and I'm a refrigerator." But the fact of the matter is that among the people many of those "fridges". But good or bad parents does not the passions.

Small child it's not what we feel, and how they behave. Parent for him — the one who feeds, clothes, warms and protects. From the parent you want reliability, immutability, stability, and heat and it is quite behavioral parameters. Everything else is optional, besides changes from century to century.

It makes no sense to torture yourself over what we are not able to feel. It is much more effective to focus on what we can do in this situation to do.

Good parenting out emotional connection necessarily involves two things: awareness and justice. Awareness means understanding your steps and choice reactions "from the head". And justice is on the rejection of one's own negative emotions as a source of information.

The emotion carries the information if it is situational, that is, a consequence of something external. Always feeling the emotion ceases to serve as information ceases to predict the weather a barometer stuck on division "rain".

If the child annoys me every hour, so my internal barometer is broken at the level of "irritation", and it became impossible to navigate. And before you respond, I'll have to filter the irritation and to look at the situation outside it. It's hard, but primarily because I'm sure that once I have something so irritating, so someone is to blame.

And in this case nobody is to blame. Without emotional connection it is very difficult to raise children, our irritation is, in fact, just fatigue. A constant and increasing with each passing day. So, firstly, you should keep in mind that parent have normal, and the baby is fine, just the load on both is very large.

And secondly, it is important to build communication with the child so that the parent in him less tired. Only in this case he will be forces for justice, awareness and other music of the spheres.

Let's move on to the specifics. First, you need to separate the required classes with additional. Each parent can determine what his child is doing is absolutely necessary, and it is he, and what can not be done, although in itself it is not bad. Mandatory program should be permanent, but short: three paragraphs, a maximum of five. No child is not critical to do one hundred twenty-five things, and that the kids are not done the first one hundred twenty-four, have long since disappeared as a species.

The boy's mother matter what she feeds him lunch. Prepares, covers, serve — and then watching how the Baby eats. Moomin Papa is fundamentally to converse with the young about the past. Madame Yanovskaya is teaching Sasha some manners. Mr. and Mrs. darling every night come wish the offspring Goodnight.

How exactly do these fine people chose what they always do with the kids? Very simple: first, they are convinced that it's necessary. Second, specifically is they are able, without much suffering. There are no other criteria.

A necessary and acceptable activity with a child in the parent leaves the soul clear the checkbox: "uh, did." Not too necessary or too painful without force: "phew, got away". In the absence of emotional connection classes of the second type is a luxury, and it leads only to fatigue and tears.

And most importantly, the hostility to occupation necessarily apply to the child. Although it has nothing to do with it, and we have every right to hate tales of the brothers Grimm. Let them read by those who are interested: the other parent, or grandma, or household maniac, or no one is better than the dreary Mata from reading aloud and its object.

Then we have to figure out what to do with a child like that. Not "useful", not "must", and "brings joy". It is up to us, because it will share our joy, just give. Watch TV series? Walking through the Mall? Lie in bed? To go to a friend? Can't be to do nothing. In an extreme case, there is something that we just like to do, and the kid doesn't interfere.

Such exercises and should give most of the time we spend with him. This time will not be bliss, but will cease to be a mockery. In addition, it will make sense.

Actually, this is the main landmark in the life of a child out of emotional connection: a conscious groping after the meaning. Every time, every day anew. Meaning maybe your child, fun parent, use, help, buy, Yes, even beautiful photos. The main thing — not result, and the feeling the day was not in vain.

The meaning may not be "killing time" and "disappear". That is for the sins we are most tired. Things that make us sad perplexity, the child is better just not to do it. Well or to do at the very minimum, everything will die. Otherwise, the time together becomes a permanent punishment — and is it any wonder that the parent is eventually ripped apart and forever wanting to go?

The lack of emotional connection — not a defect of the psyche, not an error of perception or a mental indolence. Just one of the varieties of parenting, not the nicest and not the worst. But this is a situation where any changes require awareness and search for meaning at every stage.



Required reading for Parents!

The formation of the feminine: let the girl be a Princess!

It's not easy and will not be easy. It will not lead to emotional connection. This will not provide miracles from the "in the end all will be even better than those who do not need all these tricks". Will not. But there will be an understanding of what is happening and slowly comes the feeling of common sense. Will start to flicker the long-awaited moments of pure joy, the more clearly manifest love, and over the years grow up and a partner in the child's face, attentive and thoughtful in relationships. It will be exactly these skills: he will learn from us.

Because the childhood of our children, with all its latitude and longitude, not the main period of their lives. And sustainable adult relationships, standing at attention to each other, mindfulness and justice, will end up glad to any parent. As "connected" or not.

You know who, for example, didn't have an emotional connection to the children? Mary Poppins. She was busy with her children she just interfered. So she dragged them back and forth.

You know who it is, among others, were? From Bok. Which is passionately invested in the child, more precisely, in the way that felt right.

So not all is up to the connection. It plays an important role, without it a hard life, it's not in a far greater number of families than you can imagine. But still not necessarily all of the families have children back. First, it hurts. Secondly, it is impossible. And third, boring. Better to live podolshe and check what happens. published



P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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