The views of the priests, psychologists and of course parentsThere are topics that it is difficult to speak, someone thinks that is not necessary, and someone has. Small child care where it came from, and the teenager wants to understand their feelings. How to answer questions and not to injure too much information? How not to leave your child alone with a new feeling and Internet? We tried to understand by talking with a priest, psychologist and parents.
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Nikolay Breev. Director of the publishing house "Nike". The father of three children (boy — 3 years, 10, and 11 years)Now often asked: whether with children, especially the younger, speak on the topic of intimate relationships?
I have a few thoughts on this.
First you need to clearly define the problem: what is this conversation? How important it priority? Where is his proper place?
It is obvious that we live in an information society that is actively exploited the theme of relations between the sexes, and this topic often cynically comes to intimate relations. We are afraid that the child receives unnecessary and harmful information. We think, preemptively talking about "where babies come from" ("let's better I'll tell you what he recognizes anyone"), we will help your child to avoid mistakes.
But is it? Is it as simple as just telling "it", and the issue resolved? Why we are confident that after our conversation, the teenager will come to a "new level" — is much more informed and cynical attitude to the opposite sex?
Talking about intimacy is not a panacea. This is not the main and not always a mandatory part of that is a wide word "education". Moreover, the mindless conversation we can even do harm. After all our main job as parents is not to explain to the children the details of the covert relationship. Our task is to teach them true love. True love is loyalty, responsibility, respect and other great qualities, with which the teenager will build in due time and proper relations with the other sex.
How can we tackle this challenge?
Through the birth of children the Lord gives us the opportunity to escape from the iron rings of their own selfishness, and finally learn to live not for himself but for another person
First, by example. Remember the well-known, but nevertheless true, the saying of St. Seraphim of Sarov — "Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved"? This principle works in everything in life: you cannot teach what you yourself are struggling do not seek. If we do not strive to love, appreciate other people to act irresponsibly, then how we can anyone to teach?
Secondly, openness and attention to the problems of their child. Often education is understood tedious mentorship, and the prohibition of everything. However, the key education tool is open communication, the ability to calmly discuss what bothers and disturbs.Family and parents should be the "rear" where the child is always able to "cure" the mental and other "wounds". It is here the place in all sorts of conversations on various topics, including, if necessary, and on the topic of intimate relationships.
Thirdly, parents should carefully look at the environment of the child, and to shape it. With whom a teenager? What topics are popular in his "coterie"? Perhaps we should radically change the sphere of communication, before it is too late.
Fourthly, it is necessary to pay attention to the most important question that can be formulated as follows: the child and the Internet. Don't underestimate the destructive capabilities of an open and uncontrolled access to the Internet. According to the testimony of many priests, in matters of "sex injury" is not a "party", namely the Internet is becoming the main "hotbed of evil": the children inadvertently stumble upon the video and pictures of "bed" of the character, discuss, share with each other — with all the ensuing consequences.
It is extremely important in the early stages to configure and test a variety of filters that "catch" the negative content. It is obvious however that such restriction during adolescence is quite easy to get around. Therefore, it is necessary to teach how to use useful tools of the Internet to warn against useless and harmful.
And there is no place to speak on the subject of intimate relations — but in the context of family, love, loyalty, responsibility, personal growth, work, in short, all those things that are really important in life. It is extremely important to put intimate relationships at the appropriate place — the topic of sexuality in traditional societies, no wonder it was considered sacred and secret (intimo Latin for the word "Holy"). You need to remove them from the pedestal they put a modern "enlightened" society.
As for the conversation on the topic of intimate relations, then you need to follow the principle of "do no harm". Every child and young person is special, everyone has a different degree of "dedication" in the subject, different psychological age. For one child we need a serious conversation — otherwise the train will go, and for the other, such a conversation will be stressful and will only hurt. In any case, parents should think carefully and weigh up all the pros and cons before you begin a conversation.
Anna Markova.The mother of eight children
I'm conservative, I believe that enough of the knowledge that children get to biology, from literature, from encyclopedias to middle age, where there is a section about human development.
And if I absolutely have to talk to a teenager about these things, then this should be done as gently as possible. This is more difficult than to answer the questions of young children: they usually do not look deep, they are satisfied with the answers parents. With a teenager otherwise. Remember yourself at this age, usually teenagers are more or less enlightened in such matters, so the responses of adults can be looked at critically. No need to hide information, but it is not necessary to pedal very topic.
Among my four children and the teenagers, the oldest is 17, and some of these issues we have discussed. For example, they asked: why in our family, many children, and in families of their peers — one or two children? I replied: someone hurts, someone wants, someone is trying to limit and we want healthy and not limited. And that's all.
Asked children and abortion. As I understand it, they are very afraid of the fact that people can take and kill.
Was such a moment — the older son in school was a poster on the topic of AIDS, and there were given recommendations on how not to get infected. One of the recommendations — maintain relations with one partner. The son asked, and what it means to maintain relations with one partner? I answered that it is when you live with this person, don't change him, don't date someone else. And he calmly took my answer, he did not require any details.
My personal observation is that the adolescents themselves are more interesting relationship than the physiological aspects. They have feelings towards the opposite sex (and, as a rule, in this age of love can be very fleeting) and it is important to know how to show their feelings, to show their sympathy, their care.
I also noticed that when the family is large and it has small children, the eldest is very gentle to the kids relate very well with them Babysitting. It adolescents. Younger children do not yet understand that it is a small child, they see someone came, broke the machine, tore off the doll's hand — in short, a pest. But the older ones happy to play, feed, carry hands, kiss, comfort. Try Pat on the head, blow, RUB, play games, finger, spoon-feed, a lot like cuddling. It is because they themselves really need.
I do think that love, occurring in youth, occur from the need to show such emotions.Young people want to care, to be responsible, to see in the eyes of the other person's gratitude, to show their maturity. But they still do not know how to do it, and when you see another teenager, frightened, repelled from each other. But still they grow and develop, and they have a new experience.
Tatiana Kim.Psychologist, lecturer at Institute of Christian psychology
Modern teenagers are not ask your family about it, because now they have free access to information of this kind. Hardly any of the children survive to adolescence without getting in from the outside of information about how children are born.
If parents suddenly want on their own initiative to talk to their grown children on this subject, they need to consider that Teens can be awkward. With peers, they discuss it all much freer.
And there is no doubt that before making a decision — whether or not such a conversation with children, parents must first themselves to decide, and how they all relate to this side of life. It is important to be a man of integrity, it is important to strive to understand yourself and other people, it is important to understand that the most important field for creativity is a human relationship.
Then the adult talking to the child, find the right words, will be able to maintain the right level of conversation, not belittled, not depreciate, not groblewski this sphere of life. If the parent is a believing Christian, he understands that every child is born because it is wanted by God and the concomitant physiological aspects secondary.
And of course, in this conversation you need to properly highlight the key points. First of all I must say about as much value as love. Alas, this is often overlooked. Too much focus on the physiological side of the question, and the first thing to talk about love, about emotions.
Archpriest Andrei Lorgus.The rector of the Institute of Christian psychology
The storm of emotion that a teenager going through to find themselves, their life, sexual sphere, too big for him. World of a teenager is not so great, but it's a gigantic topic, giant precisely because of the subjective experience of their own emotions, their own feelings. So the teenager is very important to understand what place in his life need to take these sexual feelings, this energy, and how it is possible to treat them.
In addition,teenager important relationships. Leading activity for teenagers is the relationship between them and their peers.
But when adults communicate with adolescents on the topic of new experiences, they can make one of two mistakes. The most dangerous mistake is cynicism, which leads to the fact that Teens are starting to try sex, not knowing why they need it. They try it, as trying alcohol or drugs, not realizing that there are good. Yes, it is fun, and what's next? And early sexual relations of adolescents lead to the devaluation of sex. Sex is one of the types of public entertainment. Cynicism – the reduction of sex to medical, or entertainment, or technical aspects. To be honest, many of my colleagues, psychologists, speak, write and work with sexual problems in this framework. I'm really sorry. Sex, in my opinion, cannot be separated from relationships, from personal relationships, from meeting with others.
The second serious mistake — this moralism, when explained by moral norms, but it does not explain the sexual side of life. Such moralizing may simply deny the importance of sexual component in human life. If moralism sees its support in the prohibitions, it leads to a dead end. Teenagers transgress that they like. These adults perceive the interest of a teenager to have sex as a kind of distortion, as a nasty byproduct of the development of a teenager, and aim to suppress, to eradicate this area of life. This is a mistake, because the teenager is left alone with their feelings. He doesn't know where to put them, where to hide, they initially have no control over. With these issues to him no one to turn to, in addition to peers, street companies, pornographic websites and erotic magazines. As a result, he is deprived of healthy communication with adults on this important topic.
I, as a pastor, as a priest, I think that Teens as early as possible should take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. But they can't take on this responsibility, if you do not know what they are doing.
It is necessary to speak openly, very honestly, but reverently. One of the dangers of cynicism is a man — laying those sacred aspects of human life, one of which are intimate relationships. And need to have respect and reverence for this aspect of human life, respect for the person, his dignity, reverence for the amazing power and ability that he was given by God.
Children need to see that adults respect their feelings. To start a conversation is possible only when the child himself asks. Because you can't get ahead of ourselves and impose such interests. If the child is not interested in it for a while, then talk on this topic is not needed. In this lies the art of parenting, to feel your child and to determine the time — intuitively, leather, you can tell when this child will appear. And if the parents of the child does not know if they rent it to kindergarten and school, in a locker, and communicate only on the weekends — then, of course, they miss the appearance of such interests and the time can not tell the child what you need, you will not be able to give correct answers. And then he finds wrong — on the street, friends, movies, the Internet…
Archpriest Alexander Timofeev.The Abbot of the temple in honor of the Cathedral of new Martyrs and Confessors of Russia in Sochi. The father of four children
For every age needs its own explanation. This conversation begins with childhood, because children have a natural interest, they learn about the world. They need to know where the little rabbits, bunnies, where are the people in the end. A small child more than anything in this area, as a rule, interested in: where was I before I was born, wasn't there? So you need to explain that mummy's tummy was life before. And some time you was there, then he was born. In large families it is easier because the older children see mom pregnant, they can listen to, to cling to the tummy, explain to them that you have brothers, sisters. Such an intense interest in where I came from, as the only child in the family, they do not. I judge by my children. For example, a small my son was born a year and a half ago, and while the mother was pregnant, the older was already interested in his fate, prayed every day that he was born. So it was with the previous…
You should try to be, on the one hand, as honest, on the other hand, is impassive, so as not to introduce a child to sin, not to give him premature knowledge, which should be only for adults.
I am categorically against the so-called "seksprosveta" for students. The child is given the knowledge that it is not necessary, and moreover, which will destroy him in chastity. The child before puberty do not need to explain the details of sexual relations, he does not know about this. But in puberty there is a natural interest, he is of God invested in us, person thus increasing. But it is important that at this point the man appeared sober, coherent attitude towards the family life.
If parents say nothing about it, they are wrong, because a vacuum may arise borrowed from their peers cynical attitude, often with obscene abuse. In addition, the child is able to absorb such an unchaste approach via the Internet and even through silly jokes in modern cartoons.
It is very important to nip the cynicism in the conversations of children. You must explain to the child that it is impossible to prevent cynical jokes, jokes on the subject. If a child brings them up from school, giggling, says, you need to immediately stop and let start some conversation on this topic. You need to explain what is sacred marriage is something sacred, mysterious, and this should be treated reverently.
Chastity implies a holistic view of things. Not in itself a sexual act should be interesting, and interesting it must be love, family life, love family life, which leads to a miracle: the two loving each other people, there is a third new life. In any case it is impossible to separate sex from family life. Here arises an unhealthy interest when it is torn out, "taken out of context" of the family.
It is very important for a normal family upbringing. If the child's parents will see the love, harmony, and even if they had a fight, he sees how they accept, how they find a common language — then there is a kind of holistic view. Probably, a key role is played by the images of father and mother who since childhood are imprinted in the mind of the child.
The child will then realize that intimacy is not something terrible and vile, that's fine, but only when you get married or get married when you give your life to a man whom will love and who will love you, and from this mutual love you have children.
Of course, it is very important that the parents themselves already have a particular attitude to this issue. There is such a pedagogical joke: "Parents do not raise children, it is useless, they will still like you. Better educate yourself."
If the children and their parents, trusting relationships, when they have questions on intimate topics, they will first ask the parents. And the reaction of the parents must be calm, no horror from the appearance of such issues, no rapture, that the children finally grew up. Yes, I grew up, and then need a quiet, confidential conversation.
But when children prefer to ask such things from their peers, it's a serious question for parents: what's your relationship with the kids, if they don't trust you? published