Today voiced "rules" and guidelines that from time to time give to clients when notice how those unconscious ruin their relationship. Almost all allow the same type of "error" below their describe, as you can see from their point of view.
See "rules" – not hackneyed pop advice in the spirit of women's magazines. For learning difficult. But they work.
Someone will definitely feel like I urge to devalue relationships and from your life to throw away. This is not so. Here I am talking about how to learn to save in mutual relations with partner joy without subsequent mental kickbacks and brittle.
And the first "rule" of relations will be:Score rules
I don't particularly believe in binding rules, based on which you can build a healthy, harmonious relationship. The article will speak quickly about what not to do – common ways that relationships kill. On this "map" clearly marked some dead ends to side to circumvent. And the free joint movement and spontaneous harmony in the rules do not need.
Harmonious interaction partners does not tolerate forced patterns, no matter how incredibly beautiful those may be. The more measurements that correspond to do not want, and have, the less lightness.
Who in the family boss, who is older, who earns more, who is responsible for what, whether children, how much time is spent together, what orientation of the partners, what games they practice in the bedroom, where and how they live – it doesn't matter as long as both are satisfied. Whatever may be said outside observers.The idea is not to create a "proper" relationship, and to understand what you want and what can really with the person next to count.
Of course, everything is not so simple and straightforward. The line between looseness and disgusting – everyone has their own. About the nuances'll discuss below.
Following the second "rule" of relationship:Do not play with feelingsOne of the most common problems in a relationship it's unrequited feelings:
almost always single bound and "love" is stronger, the second – less. This difference in feelings has a tendency to grow – it has its own vicious circle, which, being released to drift, leading to the collapse of relations.
Here as the economic market: the higher the demand for the attention of the beloved, the more expensive the product and defitsitny "offer" lover involuntarily begins to appreciate your free of partner time. What prompted the attention of a lover, partner for richer demand-side of the beloved, the more active the product goes down in price, up to the stage when it wants the lover to "pay extra" so that their proposals got rid, at least temporarily.
To save the relationship when the imbalance of mutual feelings – idea initially difficult. But things get complicated triple, one common psychological games, where put "traps" to catch someone else's "love" and feel loved, special and important. And suffers accordingly, the one whose desire was stronger.
Most people are afraid to honestly and openly Express their feelings, it's easier to be loved than to love and to languish – a kind of "best" position to "sell" their own society as of particular value to kupivšiesâ on the trick partner, began his psychologically sponsor to provide signs of attention, to make concessions.
In the end, or in love, finally tired of their humiliating dependence, like a drug, and decides to break free by the principle "out of sight, out of mind", or beloved, itotalsize from compulsions to love and mental suffocation begins to make plans of escape.The relationship is not stalled completely, instead of the manipulative games the feelings of others we ought to practice open communication.
In honesty, in General, has the remarkable property – to clear. And the more biased emotions, tricks and manipulation, the bigger and more complicated web of mutual misunderstanding and mistrust.
The following are a few relationship rules will be something like recommendations for Merseyside from his own unrequited affection.Do not ask for love
If you need community partner, the problem is not that you have any allegedly improper relationship, specifically in their own unrealistic requests. It is impossible to claim love and warmth in specific quantities. Induced sincere feelings is an oxymoron – that is, it does not happen. On progressman.ru this subject have been voiced in the article about the debt of love. Here is a little repeat and complement.
Damn important to know the absolute, total futility of attempts to reclaim love. Forced love does not work, and is quite the opposite uncontrollable reaction of dislike and hostility. No one never has no rights on someone else's love – it either occurs spontaneously, as a natural subjective response to what is happening or not.
The analogy is a flower. As it does not umozliwi, do not pull forcibly, to grow and bloom faster, it will not, but rather the opposite – go out. You can only create fertile ground for growth – and that is never the fact that work.
The same and with warm feelings – they arise not because a dependent partner needs them, and as a reaction to it any qualities and actions. Among these positive qualities it is most definitely not obsessive, hungry addiction.
This implies the following rule:Don't look for unconditional love
Partner never loves unconditionally, otherwise he would not have cared to love you, or the first counter. Partner responds to what he sees. And if the field of view was not Mature and whiny, dependent child, then it is at best derogatory feel pity – certainly not the passionate admiration. It seems obvious, right?
On progressman.ru already there was an article on greed, where I indirectly touched on this topic. The situation where we feel that we don't like, and simply use is usually based on the most comprehensive unconditional love when you love not for something, and "do". Just try to imagine how this is possible! What is this substance within us that can love "all"?
If love is aimed at a particular person, none of what selfless unconditional and can be no question. Such a love by default due to the set of qualities that the object of love is inherent.
And if you continue to lie to yourself, hoping, for example, on such a beautiful idea, that they say the universe is precisely the second half, created precisely in order to take our person with all the guts, the search may be eternal – no mortal pass filter such idealistic claims.
The assertion of the unconditional, unselfish love is the most naive and whimsical epitome of biased selfishness.
Another rule of relationship for lovers idealists:Do not rush to get close
Have already seen how beautiful relationships crumble, when people come and try to live together. We are all different, and the tighter they are closer together, more intense lapping more and more positions have to take sometimes painful brittle. And if this is to move the relationship quickly comes to an end.
Any good relationship depending on the distance. Someone comfortable in the same room. With someone harmony is possible only at a distance in a rare meeting. And even the bright and Holy man may seem unbearable if it is for a day to lock themselves in the Elevator.
If the partner is distracted from you friends, or your hobby – that doesn't mean you bore him. We are all able to stand each other just some time and a certain distance. No one can shut and to saturate yourself completely exclusively to a foreign person.
If their anticipation of blissful dissolution in partner ran forward, hope will almost inevitably break off about realities. The principle of "all or nothing" destroys the beautiful, which is between people in real interaction.
Additional history of harmonious relations – not on the close cohabitation of soul to soul, and, for example, meetings on the weekends.
The relationship survived bouquet-candy period, and at least a moderate comfort continued, the further rapprochement of partners should not be gusty hopes for a happy intimacy, and study the real potential of the soil to convergence.
But if the soil does not, and further lapping is too expensive, usually, as usual, begin each other to claim and invoice for a failed fairy tale. The responsibility for the disappointment carries only one who its charm itself, the pre-fooled.
Do not try to force the partner to converge on an alien territories. In a harmonious relationship, as in friendship, to communicate on the already existing grounds for communication. New ways of interacting can be freely placed, but in any case not to impose. Other relations remain beautiful only for a specific range, and a comfortable convergence may never happen.
And in General:Do not rush with serious solutions
The biggest problems in relationships begin when the partners are each other associated to the ties of marriage, joint property, children, etc. I do not claim that contact and do not need. But carefully weigh in order not to plunge into an endless ordeal – at least, reasonable.
For example, one of the most common problem situations in the relations is the dependence of women and a child from a man who relationship already weary. Not even going to describe the problem – it is obvious. But not everyone realizes how risky is the decision to have kids without a deep, time-tested, mutual trust.
Here, the recommendation is this:
Nowhere in the relationship do not rush, do not be fooled by the beautiful gusts of promises, and especially don't expect childish at random (say the birth of a child all the folding), and to begin each other to properly find out and lean, like dry sounds, the statistics – the real reliability, proven actions.
No wonder they say: "measure twice, cut once." Otherwise, it is likely to drown in another drama now with the head. The most serious "errors" committed in unawareness, on the basis of the temporary gusty emotions for which already in the usual stable state has to take responsibility.
Another rule, calling to curb the idealistic romance:Don't resist the truth
If a loved one consistently behaves cold and callous, you can always take offense to it, and you can just understand that man is not so close, and maybe all the others. And the real problem all this time was not the cold, but again – our own capricious delusion at the expense of others.
We create your psychological face control themselves let a person's personal territory, keep his image in intimate corners of the soul. And if "guest" at this close range, suddenly, starts to behave carelessly, or even spits in his own soul, then the face control was amateurish, and we have mistaken a stranger for a loved one.
And if you admit the truth do not want to remain a never-ending resentment is a fruitless treatment with the aim to bend the accused under our belief, how is it to be "necessary".
The desire to prove something and impose on the partner itself already indicates the passion when the motive comes not from common sense and from the blind emotions.
If you conduct a life offense still do not want, you can try to look for it, with whom we are dealing in fact, and balanced, based on observations to determine what distance communication with such a real person happy.
Maintain your independence
We can't control their sympathy – "the heart wants what it wants" – so they say. But his need for someone else's sympathy to a certain extent, control is still possible. You understand that sympathy (Yes, even to love) and addiction are two different things?
If you read the article carefully, you might catch a unified canvas that underlies all the rules – idea about the value of preserving their own integrity and independence, that relationship is not began to gag from their own fears.
The importance of independence cannot be overestimated – only with it is possible, at least relatively light and joyful relationship. And addiction treatment kills the whole Arsenal of tools. Below I will enumerate only the most common. Some where again.
Dependency leads to jealousy and sense of ownership, encourages you to choke partner and myself suffer from the fear of being a loyal and deluded mug.
A dependent partner is losing his mental balance, his mood randomly shake a leg to the tune of attention and the location of the partner.
A dependent partner is losing its appeal because it is perceived mentally dependent child of passion, not geeky. It is the independent self-sufficiency looks sexy. And an intimate relationship with a dependent partner begin to give a hint of incest.
Dependence invalidates all other pleasures of life, friends, work, Hobbies, and hobby resources.
Addiction prompts to download the right to love and attention that usually leads to dislike and neglect. Above have already said.
The addiction leads to destructive for a relationship rush – I want a partner be satisfied, without regard to dissolve. In the end, the convergence stage, which in a comfortable rhythm takes months, simply miss. And in proportion to the ardor of premature convergence opens the glaring incompatibility of the partners. Too painful may be intense grinding, and all the rosy plans together with hopes have to bury at the same time.
Dependence immersed in the drama woven out of fear of unbearable loss. Society partner in this situation is not perceived as their own choice and free will, and forced and tense transaction. About as relationships goes all the ease of the meet. Here the dependence often leads to a situation when a partner is unbearable without it.
The list goes on.
How to find and keep its own integrity and independence? About it – most of the principles and rules outlined in this article. Below I will describe a few more.Take the possible consequences
What is difficult to imagine life without a partner, so terrible to lose him. Sounds like obvious, but understand this pattern, not every.
So, anyway, smoothly as if attitude is any good, useful just in case to keep abreast, be aware and find yourself ready for any scenario. Though, because people may leave our lives not just on a whim, but the "will" of destiny from your body including.
The more willingness to lose the relationship, the more fearless ease. And this is not some disregard of alienation, but only recognition of the truth – our control of the future is relative, and if I'm being honest – is illusory.
The topic of independence and detachment is no easy matter – is extensive, with lots of nuances. I'm thinking in the near future to say the least.
Learn to endure loneliness
I do not propose to select a single path to replace the relationship, and only call possible solitude not to be afraid, to fear this relationship was not poisoned.
Loneliness for most a serious challenge. Pop up repressed fears, life seems empty and meaningless, hunger in the society increases.
Difficult way – self-knowledge, work with your unconscious, purification from fear, peace of growing up. "Many are called – few are chosen" – because of the way they say. To move on it is not given to everyone, and force myself to that there was no need.
The easiest way for most is to fill life in other ways, bring out their interests, continue to scan the reality for new Hobbies. The relationship is not the only, but only the most common way to feel the joy and meaning of life.
I recommend both ways – and self-knowledge, and "consumption" meaning to combine. In a couple of working effectively. And the relations in any case it is not necessary artificially to devalue – no good depressed interest does not, and only adds to the painful alienation from themselves.
The main trick to eliminate the mental problem is not the cessation of desires, and transformation of emotional desires-requirements – to your desire preferences.
One more (already the last, eleventh) the relationship rule, and calling not to drain yourself entirely in a partner, and to maintain its integrity:Harness of hope
One of the main problems of relationships – idealization. Once believed in the fairytale, all butted – bummer provided. I want to draw attention specifically to this delicate matter of hope and anticipation. When the mind tries to fall, to catch its own tail really hard. Simply because absolutely don't want it.
So we are organized and have mentioned it many times that life with all its events know only the projections of the thoughts and feelings. Sweet and hope this is the ersatz of happiness, which is only available to most. Plan, dream, living the eternal horizons "tomorrow", taking it for approaching objective reality.
And then suddenly it turns out that the reality of our arrogant fantasies shamelessly resists. And in place of hope inevitably comes frustration.
When it comes to the phenomenon of "reverse side of the coin," in the mind there is a syntax backlash to retreat from recognizing obvious truths. Forget about the different parties. Hope and hopelessness are one and the same phenomenon. As soon as I felt hope, I can say hopelessness.
Understand how it is hard to imagine life without hope. Like and faith, and love at the same time propose to kill. In fact, almost all spiritual teachings say the same thing – truly happy can only be now, because any time we have not and never will be. We always remain in the eternal "now". And hope is an avoidance of the present in favor of the possible happiness in the abstract future.
All the same things in a relationship less than expectations, the more ease when you find exactly what presents now. No options.
Non-obvious causes of women's diseasesBert Hellinger: the One who gave more than measures, I would leave the relationship
Voiced in the article the rules and principles are universal and work not only for relationships but in all areas of life. We can say that it is, in General, the principles of psychological health – a part of them in one article just does not fit.
Some of the recommendations, while in life, everything is smooth and doesn't jam, perceive and even more to implement are unlikely to be possible, the gut will resist recognition of difficult truths. Hurry this special is not necessary. Solve problems in process of receipt. And nothing in the word do not believe, try on, test in practice. published
© Igor Satorin