Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, somewhere deep down, we all have the same desires – to love, to be loved and happy.
Of course, we could add to this list and other desires, such as to have money and wealth, and a lot of expensive things. But if we try to dig deeper and understand the reason why we want to get it all, the answer is simple: in order to appear more desirable, in hopes of being loved and accepted by someone.
If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why we have so many problems and misunderstandings when we try to find her?
I believe that the answer is simple: most of us are never told and are not educated regarding this important areas of our development. Chances are that you didn't grow up with parents who were experts in matters of relationships, and certainly high school curriculum did not include the study of human relationships.
For most of us, the search was a kind of adventure: we tried and made mistakes, and learned through pain and a broken heart. But is there an easier way? In this article I will touch upon the most favorite topic of all time: how to find true love.
As it usually happens...
It turns out that we spend our youth searching for love, or what we consider love. Although we actually need the-accceptance, approval and self-determination. We are very insecure and afraid to be alone. We jump from one relationship to another and all the time looking for themselves. But the search for self-worth through external relationships takes us further away from the desired goal.
Sometimes we all make the same mistake when meeting someone and starting a relationship, we throw everything that is important to us, and concentrate solely on the person with whom you meet. This means only one thing – we don't respect themselves and think to find someone who loves us above all else. During such a long romantic courtship we are increasingly alienated from their passions, goals and our true self. Analyzing past experiences, we begin to understand that they started the relationship because of mad passion or loneliness. And to maintain the relationship we had fear to be abandoned or the burden of liabilities. It often happens that we begin and continue the relationship for the wrong reasons. And sometimes we just assure myself that there is no longer anyone who could love us, and complacent. We portray a smiling face, when the soul feel deeply unhappy. But at some point we realize all that had happened to us, and give yourself a word stop the pain.
We go a long way from the insecure person and in the process deeply know ourselves. But the most important discovery is the fact that once we sincerely begin to love yourself and focusareas on our own inner peace and prosperity into our lives comes the true love.
Model problematic relationship
First, let's look at some usual problems in the relationship, and determine why some romantic relationship is not working.
Ego, fear and emotional insecurities
In the same way as in the case of material things or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which we identify ourselves who we are to the world.
The problem is that we attribute so many of the unique characteristics of our personality outside of the relationship that you lose touch with a wise and lucid structures within. Linking to this false identity leads rather to a feeling of despair, not of self-sufficiency. Ultimately, without a relationship or without work or without any false identity that we choose, who would we be? In addition to the identification of the ego, we are very easy to develop dependence on friendships. And the independent person that we once were, begins to evaporate. Our mind gets tired and as soon as our identity begins to become attached to another person, consciously or unconsciously, we begin to fear losing that person. We begin to depend on that person to fear loneliness.
Because of our emotional insecurities, we become emotionally dependent and looking for the self-esteem of our partner. So, instead of a celebration of love and partner relationships, we begin to play the game "how to protect yourself from losses."
A message about your needs
Because of the desire to hide their emotional dependency and fear of losing our partner, we begin to filter what we say. In doing so, we will not tell you clearly, openly, or boldly about their needs. For some reason we become sure that our partner is somehow magically knows what he must do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not satisfied, we secretly begin to blame the other person and resent him. When we are unhappy, our partner will search for clues and, in turn, secretly offended by us. Thus begins a vicious circle of destruction of a romantic partnership.
So much of what you had to say was said, negative emotions are hidden and begin to accumulate on both sides. Have you ever had friends who came to you and complained about why he is unhappy with their partners? This is exactly what they would need to Express to your partner if they really wanted to change something.
But worse, if one partner openly communicates its needs so only to discover that the other side is just not listening, or not paying attention to what was said, or to blame your partner for the fact that he has such needs.
Bad compatibility and harmony with what is
Somewhere deep down we are all really good people. But this does not mean that any combination of two good people create a good relationship. Indeed, there is such a thing as bad work, and you need to admit it. The ideal pairs are created by people who have the same core values. Their life goals have to match, they need to have mutual sympathy, understanding and respect for each other. Both people need to be actively committed to make the relationship a top priority. Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship is not what we need, we justify their continuing what seems to us logical reasons. We can feel that we will not find another person who will accept and love us just as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we just agree with what you have. Every time we remember that this relationship is not what we need, so we sweep that thought out of my head and get distracted by something else. We can feel that we provide the other person a favor by staying in this relationship, but in fact, we bring partners pain the fact that dishonest with them and yourself. And in our subconscious accumulate negative emotions and energy.
Who is your ideal couple?
All of us have a rough image of how our perfect partner: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or short, or light-skinned or dark-skinned, or pretty, or strong, with this car, or this house or anything that comes to our mind.
The problems begin when we are in the relationship and begin to constantly compare our partners invented the "perfect" person. When this happens, we stop appreciating our partners, despite all the wonderful qualities that they actually possess. The truth is that the perfect person does not exist.
More importantly, we really don't need all those qualities in a partner to be incredibly happy. What we actually need is to determine the most essential qualities we should have in the other person to feel satisfied and accomplished (more on the creation of the list of characteristics below).
If we have not defined the necessary qualities in your favorite companion, we we end up putting up with what we have, and since man cannot give us what we really need, we start for him to be offended and indignant.
Over time this will cause a major problem. For example, if growth is an important characteristic, and partners do not match your requirement for growth, no matter how they try, they will never grow above or shrink in size, it will annoy you and affect your Union.
Well, if we have not defined what we need, we will get random results. The definition and understanding of what we need in relationships, allows us to articulate intentions and, in doing so, we are approaching the fulfilment of our wishes.
How to understand that this is the man?I picked for you is a very effective exercise that will help you discover and define the qualities required of your partner. I recommend to spend at least 10 minutes to execute it, even if at the moment you are in a relationship. Take a pen and paper. Find a quiet place where nobody will disturb you. Turn off your phone, TV, computer. Ready? Started.
Step 1. Perfect image
On a blank piece of paper list all the qualities to be your perfect partner. What characteristics and qualities do you really want to see? Be creative and open. Write phrases, not sentences. List as many characteristics and use as many sheets of paper as necessary. Be as specific as possible. Pay attention to details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, attitudes to money, spiritual beliefs, personality characteristics, Hobbies, abilities, age, habits, occupation, tastes, etc.
Regarding physical characteristics include such characteristics as height, weight, body type, hair color, nationality and anything else you would like to see if you had the choice when creating your perfect partner.
Step 2. Minimum requirements (MT)
Minimum requirements are qualities you need in your partner and without them you will be bad or you will feel unsatisfied. Walk through each quality from step 1 and check by asking: "would I'd rather be alone than with someone who is (insert quality)"? If the answer is "Yes", then put MT next to the quality, otherwise, no marks or place.
Don't worry if your list seems superficial or ridiculous. One of MT points in my list is "great catchy dancer with a sense of rhythm" that some might seem petty and trifling, but to be the deciding factor for me.
Step 5. Selection MT
Now we need to filter the list of MT: for each item marked MT ask the following question: "If a person had all the other qualities on my list MT, I am ready to remove this attribute?" If the answer is "Yes", cross out that MT.
The selection process
I believe that it is vital to define and to communicate honestly our expectations regarding relationships and personal time frame at the beginning of the Dating period. It often happens that we start the relationship, silently waiting for a future event, which for us has huge value, and we believe that our partner will come to this, when the right moment, and only a few years later we find that what we expected will not happen. The usual unspoken issues of this nature relate to marriage, children, financial goals, and even the city where you plan to settle.
First, be honest and open with themselves about these matters. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in relationships, what you feel about children and where you plan to live. No wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for at the moment of your life. Then tell yourself that on all your first dates you will be able to inform people about your expectations for the relationship and time frames, if any. First, this experience will seem scary and strange, but eventually he will act on the nerves is less.
Just think how much time and emotional energy you will save if you are open from the beginning, instead of having to fix in the minds of the unspoken expectations can lead to disappointment.
On your first date you may feel that to tell us about your expectations quite a nervous experience, especially if it concerns those people who you really like, because they can just run away. In this case, you start to say to themselves that with such a shocking conversation, not everyone can cope on the first date. Why not to postpone it to 5th or 6th date, when I'm pretty sure/that he/she really like me? But the fact is that by this point you are already emotionally attached to this person and find yourself in a situation where you either have to settle for less than you want, or just break the budding relationship.
It would be much better on a first date to find out do you know each other or not. Just tell us about your plans and ask some questions. Those who agree with you and your time frame will remain in your life, and those who disagree will leave. Will not be hurt feelings, and all will benefit from this.
Many of us get hung up on the idea that needs to find the "one" "one" person meant to us, and so we cling to any relations that arise in our life, fearing that you may miss that one, right person. But think about what on earth is 6.8 billion people. Far more reasonable to assume that this "one" is more likely to go under the number "one thousand one"? Personally, I sincerely believe that the number of people who would have become the perfect couple, and we just need to deal with the selection process of potential partners until, until we find one of them. For this reason, it is vital to communicate about your desires, needs and expectations in advance. For example, if you want to have children and it is important for you, and your partner is opposed, then, most likely, this relationship will not last long and both sides are a waste of time.
Dating need not to cling to one person for fear that a more appropriate party will not come into your life. I believe that Dating is needed in order that you determine the necessary qualities of the person and the nature of the relationship, and then "filtered" as many people as you need, until you find someone who has all the characteristics that you need.
Have you ever bought a car? Did you so that as soon as you've decided on the brand, model, and color that you wanted, you began everywhere to see this car? If you remember about my personal experience, I immediately began to meet the right people as soon as I understood what I needed, what I expected from a partner and from a relationship.
First love yourself
Another way to look at it is to present each participant's relations with a wooden stick. If one person is independent and the second dependent, then one stick is vertical, and the second is tilted to a vertically standing stick. If a vertical stick will begin to move in the horizontal direction, leaning against her stick fall. When both parties of relations of the independent and United in love, they may be presented with two sticks, standing upright. When they combine together, they become bigger and stronger, as they become interconnected. If one stick will begin to move in the horizontal direction, the other will move with it. Learn to love yourself: invite yourself on dates, do the things that bring you pleasure and relaxes you, have a good time with yourself, write yourself love letters, practice saying "I love you" looking in the mirror.
In addition, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world. When you truly love yourself, if you allocate every pore and spread around itself a magnetic energy that affects others. You don't have time to look around, you are surrounded with those who like you for who you really are.
The forgiveness of our former
When we continue to cling to unresolved issues from previous relationships, they become emotional baggage into our future relationships. Forgive your ex-companion. life can be a liberating exercise that is conducive to your welfare and your future relationships.
Alternatively, you can meet or call your ex partner and apologize for the wrongs you may have caused, and Express my forgiveness for their own wrongs during the relationship. This experience can "close" the relationship, get rid of the baggage and help create new friendships.
A few words about sex
For those of us who lead an active sexual life, it is necessary to point out one thing. When you orgasm, your body occur chemical changes. In particular, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin, which emotionally ties you to another person. For men this effect lasts for 48 hours. For women 14 days. This explains why after having sex with someone who definitely is not the best option for us; we enter the relationship, even if they will last very long.
Too often, these relationships go in the category long, which, ultimately, end badly.
Experts in relationships are advised not to have sex during the Dating period and the selection process until you understand that I have nothing against emotional attachment to this person, or will not be prepared for the fact that people are emotionally bound to you for 14 days. Some recommend not to have sex with the chosen man until then, until you realize that he/she complies with all the qualities on your list MT. To get more information on this topic, you can read the fourth Chapter of the book "the Female brain" Dr. Luanne Brizendine.
People often ask, "Where do I go to find such a person?" The logical answer of the majority is to go where a man can always happen, but this practice often leads to disappointment. My suggestion is to do the exercises given above so that you clearly understand what you need and what kind of relationship you want. Then spend some time practicing the art of self-love, and simultaneously be open to the idea that your ideal partner comes into your life. I would not recommend. Instead waste your energy on self-development.
And, as with everything that comes from the heart in search of love there is a magic ingredient. In this world there are no coincidences. Everything happens with a purpose. Love is a wonderful and unpredictable. The best we can do is be the best person possible. Then the universe will determine when we are ready, and as soon as that time comes in our lives unexpectedly comes true love.