So it was that from the work of Otto Kernberg, who have long wanted to read, I chose the book "love Relations: normality and pathology".
Otto Kernberg, one of the leading figures of the contemporary psychoanalytic world, the founder of the modern psychoanalytic theory of personality, the President of the International Psychoanalytical Association from 1997 to 2001…
What to say is difficult, interesting to read. How many here are important aspects that I would like to share! And that we, Gestalt therapists can use in our practice, understanding what is happening with clients or with themselves.
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So, first, the most difficult and controversial aspect of aggression.
Kernberg writes: "Aggression is included in the sexual experience as such. We will see that the experience of penetration, implementation, and experience, when you penetrate, enter, includes aggression, serving love, using erotogenic potential experiences pain as a necessary integral part of carrying the prestigious merge with another in sexual arousal and orgasm. This normal ability of the transformation of pain into erotic excitement misfires when brute aggression dominates parent-child relations."
Whoa! The pain and aggression of penetration and uptake. Wonder. Wow, this is a normal ability — to transform the pain into excitement... But probably not too much pain, I think. How interesting! If the children's experience was too much rudeness, this ability no. And then the first sexual experiences associated with pain, doomed to failure and are more likely to be traumatic and then the second... Lot of time it would take to re-earned this gear! This is where no place of brutal aggression, so it is in the child-parent relationship! But in the parent relationship aggression, according to Kernberg as the time and place!
Comprehend. Remember: it resonates with the ideas of Rollo may that the strength and activity required of love, amorous feelings and actions. As well as the powerlessness and passivity breeds violence and destroys good love relationship.
It's about how not to be afraid of his natural aggressiveness! It is necessary, important and good. Including in order to protect others from their territory, their space of love, intimacy couples from intrusion of any person, in this intimate space are not included.
Intimate space is the space for two, me and my partner. So there is nothing to do friends, parents, acquaintances, and even our children.
Intimacy includes not only physical isolation from the rest of the world, but also the mystery. Just as the closed doors keep us from getting into our house, the mystery keeps the information from spreading outside intimate space. And this requires strength and confident aggressiveness, ability in time to say "no" and not let mom or girlfriend, for example, even with the best of intentions.
Yes, and it's okay to get rid of another Mature adult in close proximity to your partner angrily saying to him that it is Your partner.
Why often the aggression goes to our children? Because they are the safest people for us, child, we can with impunity break. And it's completely irresponsible, it hurts the baby. It is impossible to overestimate such harm! Besides, it does not bring the proper result, because, unfortunately, the aggression has been directed to the wrong address.
However, if we can learn to be fairly aggressive in their Mature love to the partner and to others around us adults, it will be easy to be kind and tolerant with their children.
The basic affect of aggression Kernberg calls the anger. And highlights the main function of anger is to eliminate the source of pain or anxiety. It is understandable that anger is important and necessary mission. Maturity, maturity is not to be angry, but to learn to deal with his anger. To notice it, to adjust and allow yourself to Express it.Addressable. Carefully suppressing and eliminating the source of pain and anxiety.
The second aspect of a Mature sexual love is a flirt, "Yes" and "no" simultaneously, or teasing.
Kernberg: "Erotic desire involves a sense that the object offers itself, and at the same time, refuses...""The desire to tease, to be teased, is another key moment of erotic desire..."""breaking away" of the object is "teasing" that combines promise and avoidance, deception and frustration.
Nudity can serve as a sexual stimulus, but partly covered the body, excites a lot more. This explains why the final part of the Striptease – full nudity – finishes quickly leaving the scene".
I love flirting, it's fascinating, rescues from boredom, it's time for a game of fantasy, excitement, risk, curiosity and interest, all that is acutely feel alive. If the partner joins the game and meets, a couple receives all the resources for a great sex, sea of arousal and reward — pleasure. After all, it's a known fact, the higher the arousal, the more fun the more experience.
However, a pair that avoids risk, sex mechanical, "for health" or fulfilling the "conjugal debt" eventually loses interest in this "event".
One of the most common beliefs that help to lose the excitement and as a result, pleasure — partner "my", it's not going anywhere.Needless to say, that since the abolition of slavery is one of the most common human illusions? Yes, and slaves from time to time rebelled or ran away. Man is endowed with free will. It's like everyone knows, but is somehow forgotten in everyday life, familiarity, as well as in relations regulated "debt". Or when love is replaced by power.
And it is worth remembering that the relationship is always a risk that we change all the time, that partner is not a part of me, not my "soul mate." This is another common, but for the excitation of quite useless fantasy.
Everyone knows the difference of reaction on your own hands and the hands of another person who commits intimate caresses? Yes, his own hand knows how to, but someone else's is sharper, and felt pleasure from it more and still do not know what will happen in next moment... She can tease! Only the other person can tease us. Or try to tease yourself. Or flirt with yourself. Absurd! As the idea "I'm you, you're me". I am not you, and the glory of God who created us so different! By the way, for curiosity and interest need differences. The similarities give a feeling of comfort and affinity that is similar to the feeling of family, where to incest close.
So, the difference is our faithful helper in finding a Mature sexual love. Differences also need to learn how to apply, it involves a Mature ability to take another of his features, to see them, and unless they violate our values, a very important fact — welcome! And not declare "Crusades" against all unlike that so often saddens me what is happening around! Different — not necessarily bad. So how about: interesting, curious, fascinating, inspiring and excitingly attractive?
Next, the third, a very exciting aspect — locked, and their violation.
Kernberg: "... sexual penetration or absorption of the object is forcible violation of others ' boundaries. In this sense, the violation of prohibitions also includes aggression directed at the object; aggression, inciting in his satisfaction, fused with the ability to feel pleasure from pain and projecting that ability onto the object. Aggression is fun, because it is an element of a love relationship. So, aggression is absorbed by the love and guarantees security in the face of inevitable ambivalence".
And tenderness, which makes the gentle invasion, "love".
And further: "the body of the partner becomes the "geography" of personal senses; so fancy early perverse polymorphic relationship to the parent objects gathering in the rapture body of the partner and the desire of the aggressive invasion of them. Erotic desire is based on the unconscious pleasure of playing polymorphic perversly fantasies and actions...»
What is so difficult, abounding terms, Kernberg writes?
We all come from childhood. Accordingly, in early childhood, we have all experienced the pleasure of touching our body and our touching the bodies of the parents. Psychoanalysts distinguish between pre-Oedipal and Oedipal phases of development. Very early, from birth until we are very small, approximately three years, our body is undifferentiated by sexualisierte, it means it is very sensitive to touch almost everywhere and touch cause pleasure, like erotic. Much later sensation from the genitals be more interesting than others. But we grow, and eventually we weaned, and the older we get, the more restrictions — it is impossible to touch mom or dad the way we want, there is a shyness, embarrassment, shame. Guilt…
Garden of Eden is not a biblical place, this blessed infant ignorant of social norms and prohibitions, natural pleasure from her own body and enjoying the intimacy and warmth of others. However, the experience was. And the memory of him — there! And his desire to "go to Paradise".
Psychoanalysts believe that adult sexual act — always a symbolic repetition, or the embodiment of the fantasies of forbidden, impossible, so call it perversly, or perverted. I don't like the word "warped", is much softer, it seems to me, the word "modified". Maturing and becoming adults, we always carry the love for our parents, the memory of those paradisiacal times, and embody this love in relationships with a partner, fancy violating the ban on incestuous relationship. And in this sea of excitement!
Therefore, it is very sad when one or both parents experience of the interaction was rather rough and unsatisfactory, cold, rejecting. Then, unfortunately, for Mature sexual love there are obstacles, fear of invasion, the pain, the inability to originate a partner of the opposite sex or their own "deadness".
You have to get to the pleasure in many years of psychotherapy, if possible, and courage, and resources.
The following two aspects of Mature sexual love, fourth and fifth — exhibitionism and voyeurism, from my point of view absolutely in vain considered perversity smoothly flow from the poling.
Kernberg writes: "the Manifestation of female sexuality – and exhibitionistic, and rejecting, that is tantalizing, is a powerful stimulus, causing an erotic desire in men»
"Voyeurism is a very important component of sexual arousal in the sense that any sexual intimacy involves an element of personal and secret and, as such, is the identification with the Oedipal couple and potential triumph over it. Many couples are able to get pleasure from sex in a secluded place away from their homes and from children, to show that the prohibition of this aspect of sexual intimacy...»
From the word exhibitionism emanates from social taboos and the figure in the Park, revealing the floor of the cloak…
In fact, the exhibitionism is a demonstration of sexuality, often quite socially acceptable. This chest in the cleavage, and the skirt is above the knee and thongs peeking up over jeans, and jeans, moved down to the floor, the priests. As well as the biceps under the tight t-shirt and dice there, and jeans, with their bulges in front and back, and lush growth unbuttoned at the top two buttons of his shirt.
The current fashion is quite exhibitionistic, thanks to its creators! And — voyerista, because where there is one who shows is the one who glances, or even spying. It remains to acknowledge that show and watch it quite a stimulating activity, as well as to show not to end and look as if in secret. In this sense, soft twilight-twilight is much more interesting as complete darkness and bright light, and for greater excitement and involvement in a Mature sexual love should learn and show, and watch.
I would like gently to mention that the excitation will be greater if you try sex to open my eyes...to consider a partner, themselves, scene as if from outside.
Although those of us who are inclined to assess themselves and to devalue, it is not necessary to exercise in voyeurism, achieved stable positive self-esteem.
The sixth aspect of Mature love, which I would like to mention is concern, the ability to take care of.
"Rollo may (1969) emphasized the importance of "care" as a prerequisite for the development of Mature love. The concern, he said, “is the state, whose components are the recognition of the other as same human being as you are; identification of self with the pain or joy of the other; of guilt, pity and the realization that we all depend on respect for human principles.” He believes that “care-participation” (concern) and sostradanie (compassion) can be other terms to describe the same characteristics.
Indeed, his description of care-care (one of the meanings is “to take care of someone”) is very close to what, Psychotherapist (1963) described as concern-concern (one of the values, the concern and participation)."Care, on the one hand, what we met in this world, while we were yet helpless, and that without which we would not have survived. In this sense, carefree can only be children — because of them someone cares. On the other hand, when we grow up, grow up, we learn to take care of themselves, and this is a normal condition of growing up. However, the desire to care only about themselves — a sign of immaturity, pre-maturity. As well as the desire to care about me one way.
Instead, to my ineffable beauty, for example. Concern is in a sense the gift, the gifting of another, and this process can bring lots of joy to the one who cares and pleasure that somebody you care about. Because in a Mature relationship important balance, sharing, playing one way for a long time will not work. The relationship will collapse. Yes, sometimes I want to be carefree as children, there is a special place and time, e.g. stay "all inclusive". Already there took care of everything, and steam can safely enjoy a carefree, relax from all the worries of the adult world — to have a resource to return to this world! And continue to take care of.
The seventh aspect relates to feelings of sorrow.
"There are aspects of love that are associated with the development of the ability to mourn and to take care of. By assumption, Josslyn (1971), parents that deny their children the opportunity to experience sadness because of the loss of love objects, contribute to atrophy their ability to love." Grieve for the loss of the love object not only children. The sadness has its own purpose — some "work of sorrow", making it possible to survive the loss. Sadness brings pain limb loss.
The ability to mourn helps us to make sure that we can survive loss, and to preserve itself, to stay alive. After all, no object of love can't guarantee that he will stay with us "forever". It is always an illusion. Neither marriage vows nor the private firm intention "forever" — not a guarantee that the loss will not happen.
Only experienced experience of loss brings with it a liberation from the catastrophic fear of losing a loved one. The danger of losing is, of course, the growing value and importance of other and relationship with him. But it is also important to keep yourself. Because of the catastrophic beliefs "I can't take it" grows the most disgusting lack of freedom, blackmail, threats, trying to control the other and the relationship... And eventually their destruction. For that fight, as they say. Very scary to let go of control and just love each other, and suddenly the loss? Very important to be able to grieve, to know that loss I can live with that.
The eighth aspect of loyalty, devotion and uniqueness.
Kernberg writes: "There is a prevailing view about what a woman wants to stay close and "uniqueness" of the relationship, and the man wants to escape after sexual satisfaction.
Clinical data indicate the opposite: many men desire to closeness breaks the barrier of feeling that emotionally the wife belongs entirely to the child, and many women complain about the husband's inability to maintain sexual interest."
In the intimacy of the contribution of each, women and men are equal. Everyone wants intimacy and uniqueness as its chief conditions.
However, the fact of the partners who have not chosen another permanently or without coercion, are likely to visit the fantasies about possible other elections or fears, suddenly the partner wants to "re-elect", which is essentially a projection, a reflection of their own flawed choices. Have made choice has its price — the rejection of all other possible options. The reward is intimacy, a space that will only be for a couple. The emergence of the third, vusanje in a relationship couples always breaks the intimacy, each following a sexual relationship destroys the previous one.
In the intimacy growing affection, and accordingly, with the growth of affection can be actualized fear of loss. People with attachment disorder in your childhood or early youth of history does not tolerate the growth of intimacy and finding ways to break it in every way. It's not gender specific, man or woman. The allegation of a monogamous female and a polygamous male, from my point of view, quite superficial. A child conceived by the couple, at first a subject of great joy and pride both, but he becomes the "third" and jeopardizes the intimacy of the pair due to the depth of the emotional connection of mother and child.
Carl Whitacre claimed that with the birth of each baby mother cheating on my father for some time, and then gradually returns.It's always a crisis. The pair will need maturity and love, to experience it and to survive.
The ninth aspect of Mature sexual love as matters of continuity.
"There is a normal alternation in the intensity of the communication pair and the temporary care of each other". «
Although the continuity in sexual relations in men and women is disturbed in different forms, yet the very fact of their existence and periodic cooling even in stable and happy unions are an important addition to the aspects of privacy, intimacy and the desire for fusion of erotic desire and behavior. In the absence of such discontinuities sexual relationships become a part of everyday life, and this can lead to the accumulation of aggression in the experience of merger, which is a threat to the relationship as a whole.
The Japanese film "Empire of the senses" directed by Nagisa Oshima (1976) provides a good illustration of the gradual increase in unbridled aggression in the relationship of two lovers whose sexual passion has absorbed all and broke off their contact with the outside world".
In Gestalt therapy we are not talking about continuity, but rather about the cyclical nature of all processes. Each contact is in its cycle, which is the beginning and the end, precontact when we are hungry, and assimilation, when we are full, satisfied and want to "digest" what happened. In this sense, the alternation in the intensity, which is described by Kernberg, understandable process. The decline of the intensity, especially the first, might cause the couple trouble, but it is important to understand that this is natural and to be able to switch.
The ability to "cycle" are neurotic and not to be afraid of temporary cooling, not to make fast conclusions, seeing in themselves or in a partner "cold" is very important for a Mature relationship.
As a tenth aspect of Mature sexual love would also like to say about the body, bodily experiences and participation as aspect of a Mature sexual love, but not the first and not the most important!
Kernberg: "Love received in the form of erotic stimulation of the body surface, stimulates the emergence of erotic desire as an engine for manifestations of love and gratitude. A woman experiences erotic excitement from the intimate parts of the body of the man she loved, and, notably, when love comes her interest and idealization of the partner's body also cease."
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In contrast, one of the main illusions that are supported by the media, beauty industry and an immature adolescent tendencies of modern society — that sexuality is directly dependent on the beauty of the body, its forms, options, youth, I want to say that love is still primary.
Because when love is destroyed, the most beautiful body will not cause anything but bewilderment and disgust, desire to push away and escape.
We are all subjective. We are humans, we need meaning. Without meaning we are able to mechanically perform some sequence of actions, which can by definition be called sex, but the pleasure will be below average, and then instead of the fullness we will pay the sense of desolation. And then there is a question asked by one of the heroes of the film "About what speak men" the most important question deafening in the absence of a response: What for?
What is important, from my point of view is to have a healthy body. Still sex is including the instinct of procreation, to continue need a healthy, suitable partner. Hence the smell as a way biologically natural to recognize the right partner, appearance as a guide. It is some basis, we cannot deny our animal nature, but it is not primary.
Nature has given each of us unique body, someone luckier got the body beautiful and healthy, some are less. Our responsibility in what we do with this gift.Develop or cripple, supported by a healthy diet and sleep, or destroyed by abuse and psychosomatic diseases. Now a lot of readily available information, what can you do to move in one direction or another. Focus on external data, length of legs, color of eyes or hair is typical for teenagers, immature choice. Teenagers do not yet know how to create a Mature, fulfilling relationship, because they themselves are immature until a certain age is normal. Years before 20-25. Remember, like the song of Nautilus: cruel children can fall in love, can't love?
Mature sexual love is interesting in its depth, fullness of meaning, and the fact that it is not scary to grow up. Aging probably always scary, and to understand that we are all mortal, and I do too, but when life is filled with meaning, romance is love, when sex with your partner eventually gets better, but the relationship deeper and closer, life becomes very valuable. Full of valuable!
And the last, the eleventh aspect of the orgasm and orgasmic experiences, of course!
Otto Kernberg wrote about it this way: "the Central dynamic feature of sexual passion and its culmination is the experience of orgasm during intercourse. When you experience an orgasm, increasing sexual arousal culminates in an automatic, biologically determined response, accompanied by primitive ecstatic passion, requiring for its full realization to temporarily abandon borders I – to expand the boundaries of I to feel subjectively diffuse biological bases of existence...... an important aspect of the subjective experience of passion at all levels is going beyond the boundaries of self and merge with others." Amazing, paradoxical experience. The case when the experience of a merger — as a reward for long individuation.
Include a description of Kernberg: "There is a fascinating contradiction in the combination of these most important features of sexual love: clear boundaries I and a constant awareness of nesoedinimoe individuals, on the one hand, and a sense of going beyond the boundaries of I, merge in a single whole with a loved one on the other. The separation leads to loneliness, desire for the beloved and the fear of the fragility of all relationships; going beyond the boundaries of I in Union with others causes a sense of unity with the world, permanence and creation of the new. We can say that loneliness is a necessary condition for going beyond the boundaries of Ya to Stay within the boundaries I, at the same time, overcoming them with the help of identifying with object of love, is an exciting, touching, and associated with grief and pain as love.»
"The Mexican poet Octavio Paz (1974) described this way of love with extraordinary expressiveness, noting that love is the point of intersection between desire and reality. Love, he says, opens the reality of desire and creates a transition from the erotic object to the beloved person.
This discovery is almost always painful, since the favorite(th) represents both a body that can penetrate, and the consciousness that it was impossible to enter.
Love is the opening of the liberty of another person.A contradiction of the very nature of love is that desire aspires to implement with the destruction of the desired object, and love discovers that this object cannot be destroyed and cannot be replaced». Spring is coming. And then, as he wrote to Hemingway, in the end, always comes spring. I hope what I write tonight will help fill someone's life with meaning and love. published