Expectations vs. Reality: Love and Happiness or Burning Drama and Lifetime Ordeals

In a recent article on ideals, I have already said that loyalty in society is idealized, and without any critical analysis is accepted as an undoubted value. Treason, on the contrary, is demonized – it is perceived as a sinful evil. As psychological practice shows, most of the problems in our heads arise precisely from beliefs that are taken for obvious truths. Sometimes, before swallowing a dish, it is advisable to familiarize yourself with its ingredients. Today we will examine the “recipe” of betrayal and loyalty. If the topic is not relevant for you personally, you can consider the article as a clear example of a critical analysis of “divine” pseudo-truths.

I'm not here to call for infidelity and free sex. In the article, on the contrary, for loyalty, there are real reasons to believe in it, as if it were a Christmas miracle.



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In our society, it seems clear to everyone that treason is “bad” and loyalty is “good.” In psychology, this blind moralization is seen as a mechanism of psychological defense – a way in which personal claims are covered by “undoubted” values. That is, it is convenient for us that the partner believes in his obligations as in the holy laws of life, without exposing them to “sinful” doubts.

When it is terrible to lose your happiness, to feel deceived, unnecessary and abandoned, when it is clear that there is nothing to keep a partner in a relationship, then it is profitable to believe in the duty of loyalty blindly, as in an undoubted, divine law. We cling to our values because they justify and cover up our neurotic fears.

If you step back from blind moralization, the picture does not seem so clear. Betrayal is not necessarily “bad,” but loyalty to the “good.” It all depends on conditions and views.

Conditions and viewsIt could be simplified to say that cheating is “bad” simply because it hurts. But this logic is inconsistent, medical procedures are also painful, and do not become “bad” from this. In addition, it hurts only the injured party; the traitor, on the contrary, receives the joy of “forbidden” pleasures.

You could say cheating is “bad” because it ruins relationships. But with the same success, betrayal becomes a blessing, because it eliminates the initially unreliable partnership.

You can take a more complicated situation, where the relationship does not end with treason, but continues, poisoned by guilt, resentment and jealousy. But even here, to say that broken loyalty is something definitely “bad” is impossible. After all, the relationship persists, and the betrayal only brings to the surface the truth – the real attitude of the changed partner, the fear and dependence of the affected party. It is useless to be offended by the truth. All that remains is to acknowledge the naivety of our expectations and draw constructive conclusions.

What about loyalty? Is she that good? There are many examples to the contrary. When, for example, a person is financially and psychologically independent, he, of course, in order to protect his infantile qualities, the loyalty of his partner is extremely necessary. Cheating in this position becomes a healing kick from the swamp of the comfort zone.

Another example is when people, being incompatible, somehow miraculously converge, and in order to separate, they lack determination; and in this case, loyalty in vain preserves a futile and futile relationship.

The most common deception that fidelity supports was recently debunked on progressman.ru in an article about the sense of ownership. There is no reality where a partner becomes our property. And if betrayal destroys this greedy illusion, it stands on the side of truth. A relationship is not a duty or a given, but an opportunity that partners are free to use, based on personal discretion.

Another case of loyalty is the blind observance of moral or spiritual virtue. Treason in this way is seen as a sin, from which the traitor somehow becomes a “bad” person. But just think, what good and holy is virtue, which is observed solely out of fear of punishment, or self-serving hope of reward? Is not the “righteous man” himself a mercantile liar? As I see it, there is no righteous loyalty. But there is a simple, sincere and natural desire to maintain and maintain the relationship that you cherish.

In all of the above examples, betrayal is not a tragedy, but a cold, sobering soul, after which it becomes increasingly difficult to continue the practice of self-deception. Sometimes the lie is so sweet that reality, metaphorically speaking, has no choice but to poke a man with his nose into his own self-deception.

Why even be loyal?To begin with, I will give a couple of not the most constructive examples.

No one likes to feel cheated, unloved and unnecessary. And we all know how to do that. It can be said that fidelity is for the most part a kind of unspoken social contract about not causing each other this neurotic pain.

And it is great when partners manage to agree and trust each other. But if the fear of being deceived arises without any ground and encourages to torture the partner with empty jealousy and extortion of evidence of great and pure love, then one should be able to recognize the presence of a personal problem that should be solved for good not at the expense of the partner, but with him in constructive cooperation, or already independently. If the result is not calm down - a psychologist to help you.

Another reason for refraining from treason is the aforementioned virtues. Even the most rational and sober-minded people are deeply afraid of being “bad” and “wrong” and therefore not worthy of love and approval. Often this fear is reinforced by an obscure but firm belief in the existence of higher powers who are constantly spying on us in order to identify possible causes for revenge for our “wrong” actions. Faithfulness in this way is practiced as a forced measure of salvation from mystical punishment.

A little about "car"

At the practical level, treason is punished in a simple and obvious way – traitors are condemned, deprived of trust, and their lightweight approach does not allow you to create reliable, trusting relationships with deep mutual understanding. This is how “mystical punishment” works on the side of the traitor.

On the “victim” side, cheating is usually perceived as a despicable betrayal, as if the traitor gets high at the expense of his partner’s suffering. In fact, the injured party also punishes himself with his uneven perception of the situation. A penchant for jealousy, a sense of ownership, attachment, unrealistic expectations – all this is real karma, which spontaneously leads to obvious, natural consequences without any mysticism.

That is, betrayal as a traitorous “evil” is not an act, but an attitude towards the situation. For some - a solid punishment, tragicomedy and drama, for others - a calm statement of facts - say, "Well, yes, the relationship ended because the partner was carried away by someone else." Who doesn't? Let us move on with our lives”.

Feeding neuroses and moral ideals are not the only reasons for maintaining marital fidelity. Healthy loyalty is expressed in the relationship of reliable business partners. They can trust each other and strengthen the partnership for the common good.

Take, for example, such a joint “project” as childbirth. Male fidelity during pregnancy and breastfeeding is necessary as a guarantor of support in this unprotected position. A man, if he wants his family with a child, to spoil the relationship with his mother is also unwise. After all, she not only raises and feeds the child, but with a high probability becomes the closest person to him and inevitably influences his views - including the opinion of the father.

other The reason for healthy loyalty, however simple-hearted it may sound, is trust and intimacy. In one of the long-standing articles I have already spoken about such a hard-to-describe feeling, when between close, sympathetic people there is an experience of a special psychic space, where two find unity. It is a feeling when the soul is light only from the fact that somewhere near there is this close and dear person. You can just be silent and mind your own business, and this warm, expanding light will hold. From personal experience, I can say that this experience has nothing to do with dependent attachment.

Another one. An interesting reason for loyalty is deep self-knowledge through a spiritual connection with a partner. The two can not just exchange experience, but as they are ready to explore personal depths through the systematic disclosure to each other of the most intimate, “unwalked” territories of their own soul.

I talked above about the “benefit” of infidelity, destroying the illusion of owning a loved one. It's not really that clear. In the same article on the sense of ownership, I said that possession with a big caveat can still be considered something real just when partners manage to maintain a reliable, strong relationship for a long time. Under such conditions, they have banal statistics on their side. Relationships that last for years are likely to continue the next day.

As mutual trust develops, the beneficial aspects of relationships as such can grow: emotional and material mutual assistance, the exchange of knowledge, the ability to act in concert with redoubled forces, convenient division of duties and delineation of spheres of control, consideration and solution of problems from different reference points and much more. In general, similar principles of partnership work in all areas.

Free relationsFree relationships are practiced so as not to be burdened with obligations. Free relations relieve not only obligations, responsibilities, rights, they liberate partners from each other. In such a fragile and unstable connection, it is almost impossible to feel and predict mutual support, and loneliness can become a constant companion.

In free relationships, partners are essentially distanced lovers who practice a kind of sex without a reason for deep intimacy. And this is quite a healthy approach.

Sometimes, those who profess an open relationship are credited with maturity and independence because they are supposedly “free” from jealousy and attachment. In fact, in such a “mature” relationship can be anyone, sometimes just from hopelessness, because a loved one does not want anything “serious”, and occasionally meet without any obligations is quite satisfied.

Introverts are more prone to stable relationships – it is too hassle for them to look for new partners every time. Extroverts in free relationships can chase change and new experiences. Regardless of temperament, this style of relationship can be the only alternative to contact with the opposite sex due to the inability to get along with someone on a serious basis, or on such rare occasions when loneliness is truly pleasing.

Free relationships are constantly threatened with complete termination, there is no certainty in them, and the partner, testing himself in closeness with others, at any moment can feel that “there” is more interesting for him.

Sometimes seekers of impressions hang in this “freedom” for a long time, because they are fond of the novelty of the first intimacy, or hope, having gone through the maximum of partners, to choose the “ideal”. There is something logical in this idea, but in fact, any new relationship is such a “short film” with a plot that no one knows in advance. It can end quickly and sadly, it can turn into a long drama, or indeed something beautiful.

Free relationships are not bad in themselves, but there is one mental threat that not everyone is ready to face. As I see it, a relationship without commitment in the mind of an individual devalues the ideal of love without offering anything in return. As a result, a gloomy, meaningless emptiness remains in the soul, in place of which once there was hope to find happiness in closeness with a partner. Sex in a free relationship can give a shade of dirt precisely because it breaks the ideals of love and loyalty.

It would seem, why, in general, partners to bind each other with some artificial framework and obligations? After all, if they want to be together and get to know each other, they do not need to sign any contracts and attach property rights to each other. Everything is sincere and natural. But the fact is that we can not know for sure about the seriousness of the intentions of the partner – whether he wants to build a house with us, or just walk out. Speaking your own attitude to something serious and reliable, can spur a similar mood naturally and in the mind of the partner. Like, "Let's do this big project together?" Returning to the analogy of business partners, obligations are necessary so that the “project” of relations develops not chaoticly, but in a constructive way.

FindingsThe hard thing is, relationships are messy. It seems that everything is clear, and you dig into a lot of questions and doubts – an illusion on the illusion. Expect love, harmony and happiness, and get a searing drama and lifelong ordeal. But they continue to believe and hope that it is all about the “right person” – you need to “just” re-educate your partner, or find the “right” one and then there will be “happiness”.

This approach is only partly true. Of course, as in friendship, in a relationship we can not work out with everyone. But the right partner is only part of the success. Roughly thirty percent. The remaining percentage depends on our person. Whatever partner we have, our relationship with them reflects our own persona with all its real qualities. And if the mind is tensely boiling with fears and general dissatisfaction with life, all this will inevitably color the relationship.

Therefore, it makes little sense to idealize loyalty and condemn treason. While we do not know ourselves, do not understand what we want and do not really realize what we are experiencing, instability in relationships is a natural consequence, from which there is no way to escape. And no artificial guidelines will help. The best thing to do is to stop chasing beautiful ideals and honestly accept that we are still learning about relationships, literally on the move in “combat” conditions, and therefore mistakes and miscalculations are not some personal failure, but practical experience necessary for spiritual growth.

Author: Igor Satorin

P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!

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Source: progressman.ru/ 2014/11/trust