Can't Stay Away

"Can't stay away", everyone in this place will have its own punctuation...Snow blade cold betrayal
Very close to you,
Hurts sensitive heart, now your veins
Pain filled, like a spring river...
...
The emptiness inside of you and dreams are lost in it,
The pain, the hurt, the anguish, the breast is compressed in a Vice...
Soul hopelessly to find the meaning trying
But how to find what is already there between you?

(V. Pavlov)

Wedding... "We look at the sky, the stars are waiting for our vision, and we think that in addition to each other we anyone and never should be"...We give vows and truly believe in them...






But, time passes and everything changes...

Despite the fact that the marriage contract usually involves an agreement about the loyalty of the spouses to each other, the topic of infidelity invariably arises at a reception at the family psychologist...

According to statistics from 25% -50% of men admit that they had at least one extramarital affair; for women these data range from 20-45%... (Lawson, 1989).

Until now, the society condemns the cheater and sympathize with the deceived partner. The undermined trust to the sentiments of honor and dignity, the pain of deception, withering fire of jealousy, the bitterness of betrayal rise to the strongest effects, which can be deeply devastating for a married couple...

However, oddly enough, not many couples come to the decision to divorce after such incidents, because cheating is not always comes from the immorality and selfishness as a rule, this is clear evidence of the CRISIS in relations. But, the crisis has not only the destructive aspects, it can also become a point of growth both for each individual and for the couple as a whole. The word "adultery" comes from the Chapter change that related to "change ("MENA"), change, change"... "change is the rejection of the old views, habits" (Efremova T. F. New dictionary of Russian language), i.e. to modify means to change something, first of all, FROM the inside... the conditions, the rules, your original choice..

Change, at first glance, it's good... But, unfortunately, cheating negatively affects the state of one who changed because he had expected the CHOICE is made FOREVER...

Most often, couples are faced with the treachery of one of the partners turning to the therapist for support. Typically, the "deceived" partner, trying to enter into a coalition with the psychologist and obtain a competent opinion that the wrong husband – the perpetrator of the incident, and must be punished or at least get a good portion of censure and guidance on the "right path"...

However, family therapists in their work are rarely based on morality and ethics. They consider the family as a system in which certain events happen as the result of interaction of ALL family members. There is no right and wrong, there is a dysfunctional cycles of interaction, and betrayal is part of this cycle.

The marriage bed,
marital puddle
whose the one in it and lie down.
Yeah both are good.

(V. Pavlov)

Family therapist it is important to understand what is the function of cheating in a relationship is to bring it to spouses, and to help find a more harmonious way of interacting.

In most cases, a relationship outside of marriage has nothing to do with love. There are three types of relationships: sexual but not emotional; emotional, but not sexual; and emotional and sexy. The General trend is that men have more connections of a purely sexual nature, the women – many relationships purely emotional nature.

But, for those and for others, one of the main functions of infidelity – transfer "metabolome" to a partner about dissatisfaction with the relationship. For many people cheating is dictated by the desire to "add fire" to cool, "smoldering" relationship. Subconsciously we hope that cheating or just a rumor about her, which comes to a spouse, will make our relationship more passionate...






Vladimir, 30 years old, 8 years married, daughters 4 years. In another quarrel with the wife, agreeing not, "in the heat of the moment" suggested a divorce. She suddenly supported his idea and suggested to disperse before making the official divorce. Cooled down after a quarrel, the husband realized that offering to leave, wanted to hear from his wife that he and their relationship is important to her and suggested that the threat of divorce would make her more compliant. However, her reaction was a shock for him and engendered a lot of suspicion. Without any effort he checked her correspondence in social networks and found that wife a few months is in a relationship with a man who lavishes her with compliments, confesses his love and offers a "hand and heart". Open dialogue between spouses about the opened connection, brought to the surface deep dissatisfaction with the wife's emotional relationship. The emotional coldness of her husband, relationship, long lie only parenting, constant criticism, led her to believe that her husband absolutely does not value a relationship with her. Thus, cheating is not allowed longer ignore the accumulated in a couple of difficulties in the relationship.Treason was the reason for the difficult, but clear conversation, which helped to redefine the relationship and ways of interacting, breaking away from the usual course of things.

Cheating can also be a way to meet needs, to satisfy which the marriage is impossible or very difficult...

The couple - Valentine, 52 years old, and Konstantin, age 56, married 30 years, have three children. After thirty years of marriage, the husband learned that the biological father of three children, educated them in marriage with Valentina, is his housemate. The man is silent, not eating, not drinking. The wife is crying, says he loved and loves Constantine so far, that he is an affectionate husband and a caring father. But she was unable to accept the fact that her husband was infertile, because she wanted to be a mother. Taking advantage of the weak awareness of Constantine on the reproductive ability of a couple, Valentine took this risk. Risk to the last justified. They lived together all this time. The children grew up, the eldest child already gave them grandchildren... Who are in this situation right and who is wrong? Who the victim was Constantine, the father of three children, or Valentine, who have kept this secret for many years to preserve the family and marriage? Family therapist this is not the question. On the basis of system approach, the wife did everything to save the marriage, filling in the missing paired side feature...






Treason can carry out the function of "balancing accounts" when one spouse takes revenge on another for something, or trying to raise their self-esteem, as due to their personal characteristics or social status feels flawed.For example, adultery as a way to obtain compensation for the lack of implementation in the career. The business does not work, so at least there will manifest itself!In this embodiment, for the partner (e.g., men) is important number of women, not the duration of the relationship with them. Cheating as a way to "dose" of respect and recognition, which does not give at home. Often less successful husband "castrating" wife turns the affair on the side that allows him to "feel guy", to assert themselves – I love me! Cheating as revenge partner, revenge for the humiliation received in the family... for Example, a woman learns that her husband was cheating on her, but to arrange "debriefing" considers beneath his dignity... She's mad at him because he hurt her, and starts a new romance to revenge, even if the spouse never finds out about her adventures...

Don't forget that sex on the side, often allows you to get a new strong sensations, which are no longer possible or impossible in principle to experience sex with a regular partner. In this case, the spouse seeking from others what you could not get from their partner. "Traitor" starts the novel out of curiosity to check if you can obtain "desired" with someone else... How much drive initially in a relationship with a new partner: "will or no?" "What is it?", "The spouse finds out or not?" etc.

Oh, the sweet taste of betrayal!

Nothing can compare with him.

Short-lived, fleeting

Like a tremulous bird.

He's like the bottom of a glass

As the dusk on the hillside of the summer,

He secret hidden in the pages

And honey wilted bouquet...

(M. Pavlova, the Taste of betrayal)

A new relationship surrounded by intrigue, mystery, accompanied by excitement, "adrenaline rush", because "forbidden fruit is sweet", but usually these feelings pass quickly, and relationships go into the category of "familiar, boring, background menu"... And sooner or later the question arises — whether the difference is so great as previously thought?...

Partners, parents who have coped with difficulties in the relationship method of "letting off steam on the side", with a high probability will take advantage of the change "automatically" as tested "proven" method of "stress relief"... And in many cases cheating is rather "support" marriage, though in such difficult way. In this case, the lover/mistress plays the role of the "third leg in the stool", filling in the gaps in the pair, supports the system in a state of homeostasis. For example, K. Whitacre reviewed lover (lover) as "a therapist on the side of one of the spouses"...

And, sometimes, cheating is just a way to end the relationship, the final statement of fact, the failure of the marriage. For example, both spouses understand that love is nothing left, and trying to have a close relationship "on the side" that would be meaningful to them. Marriage no longer excites them, satisfies their emotional and sexual needs. However, both or one partner (adulterer) is afraid to leave and be alone,and trying to "out the door with only one leg," i.e. simultaneously "go and stay". Such people usually like to discuss with their lovers problem their spouses. They are looking for support to make the final decisive step... Often, once the "secret is revealed", loyal spouse exposes the traitor to the door and "safety", "intermediate" affair die a natural death, "atrophy unnecessary"...

As you can see, to talk about cheating clearly impossible.

"Because of the variety of strategies that invent the couple not to face the problems of their relationship and at the same time indirectly to get closer to their resolution, especially popular one model: treason. This is a desperate attempt of the spouses to break the deadlock, which came their marriage; and it often has devastating consequences..." (K. Whitacre). After all, treason is "the betrayal, treachery, infidelity, adultery, apostasy"...(the Dictionary of Russian synonyms), "a knife in the back"...

Where there can be betrayal, there is Paradise.
...
Where it is impossible to change it — hell.

(V. Pavlov)

Marriage counselor always focus on query pairs. And in order to work, you need to know most importantly — they want a wife to continue the relationship. Only.

The crisis of confidence can be overcome.

People will respect you back.

Sexual desire can be restored.

Important is whether the interest in each other and desire to be together.

"Can't stay away", everyone in this place will have its own punctuation...

You choose... published

 

Author: Tina Ulasevich

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: //www.b17.ru/article/26142/

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