Children and Emotions: Learning Heart Language

Only the heart is bright. You can't see the most important thing. The little prince

In the studio of a Mexican photographer from Oaxaca, the walls are covered with photos in which children smile, laugh, embarrassed, angry, crying. When a studio owner is asked why he captures all of these emotions, he says that they are part of life and parents want to keep the pictures that show them. His statement is particularly fascinating, given that usually the walls are decorated with photos of happy faces. Where then do all these photos of other emotions go – frowning eyebrows, tears, children turning away in protest or defiance?



If you think about it, these photos better reflect the emotional life of the child, making only pictures of smiles one-sided, limited, inferior. Don't these photos convey a similar invitation to the child to express emotions outside the studio? What do these pictures tell us about our attitudes toward children’s emotions, as well as our own attitudes toward adults?

We can prevent emotions no more than we can prevent the daily sunrise. The presence of an emotional state suggests that something in our environment has touched us – that something has stirred. Emotions are what unite man with other mammals, something instinctive in nature, triggering chemical and physical reactions in the body. As Pascal (17th century) put it, “The heart has motives of which the mind knows nothing.”

Emotions are not feelings. Feelings are the names we give to emotions; our subjective appreciation of what is affected within us. The process of bringing these instinctive, emotional experiences under the control of consciousness that occurs in the prefrontal cortex (when we think before we do) begins in the first years of life and lasts for a long time in adolescence.

It is the development of integrational and executive functioning in the prefrontal cortex, starting at around age 6, that enables us to experience more than one feeling or thought at a time, allowing us to better control ourselves. What is part of our human nature, and what separates us from other mammals, is the ability to be in touch with emotions and to be more and more aware of them. The question remains: What is the role of adults in helping children develop a more civilized expression of their feelings when they are embraced by emotions?

People are born with the ability to express themselves and relieve tension in the emotional system. This ability is reflected in stable expressions: “I must follow the dictates of my heart”, “give myself to something with all my heart”. The role of self-expression is partly instinctive and serves us to digest what we have absorbed, especially when it comes to emotions.

James Earl Jones once said, “One of the hardest trials of life is to have words on your heart that cannot be said.” Humans have many forms of emotion, from the nonverbal crying of an infant to a two-year-old biting and stomping her feet, to a teenager rolling her eyes. We can also express emotions through speech, as we often ask preschoolers, “Use words, not fists.” The way to the heart is through the words we use to tell what is in the soul.

When my 7-year-old daughter was supposed to have her blood taken instead of running away or fighting and resisting, during the procedure, she would sit still and scream at the top of her throat, “Ay, ay, ay!” It was impossible to move, but it was possible to express your pain through words (although it scared people waiting in line). Helping children learn how to communicate with words is a crucial step in helping them develop a more civilized way of expressing themselves when they are overwhelmed by emotions.

Why, then, when we are born with the ability to express ourselves, can we find it difficult to find words to express what is in our hearts? Sometimes we resist our feelings—we can’t recognize them, don’t want to acknowledge them, or push them away. The problem is not our emotions, but our attitude towards them. Emotions are not right or wrong, they are just part of the beautiful complex system of our human nature and its interaction with the world around us. Here's the question that begs the question: how do you learn to express emotions without affecting others, but also giving them an outlet? It’s a challenge worth finding, for the sake of our children’s mental and physical health and unlocking their potential for healthy relationships. Building a healthy friendship and partnership/marriage is influenced by the ability to be in the present moment and behave with dignity when the heart is uneasy. The ability to recognize and name your own feelings also favors lifelong personal growth. The more feelings we can put into words, the better we can relate to ourselves and the less likely it is that there will be a gaping void instead of awareness. Too many suffer alone, separated from others because they are unable or unwilling to share what is in their hearts.

What can prevent you from learning the language of the heart?What can prevent us from helping a child learn heart language? First of all, there are such developmental difficulties as innate limitations of susceptibility and emotionality. Children express themselves nonverbally at first; emotions develop faster than speech. The ability to find words to express what is exciting requires support and preparatory work, which begins with the name of the feelings that reflect emotional experiences: sadness, frustration, disappointment, shame, etc. If you can’t name something, you can’t build a relationship with it. How can we even begin to figure out what to do with our jealousy, envy, disappointment, if we don’t know the names of these feelings? Names give meaning, they open the dialogue and help to understand this experience, as well as provide an opportunity to build your attitude towards it. My daughter once told me that she had a “feeling in her stomach like butter is being whipped.” This feeling of “talk” was accompanied by an expression of fear, anxiety and fear of what was looming on the horizon. She could not begin to understand these emotions without first naming them.

Children can sometimes resist and hide emotions, especially when they think they won’t get approval from people they care about. The belief that “good girls are always nice and don’t mind their elders” and “brave boys don’t cry” continues to perpetuate the beliefs of adults, causing them to suppress emotions that contradict them. If we get stuck trying to be nice and brave, I wonder where the emotions of fear and not wanting to be nice go. We also grew up with the false belief that expressing emotions would lead to an increase in the actions based on them. Research, by contrast, shows that expressing emotions reduces their overall effect and the need to act.

When we try to cut off the feelings that bother us, the frustration, the frustration must find a way out, and the question arises, where does this energy go? When our emotional system is activated and the expression of emotions is blocked, energy stagnates and accumulates, thus completely preventing self-expression and spontaneity in life. Stuck emotions lead to confusion. Our words must correspond to what is in our hearts. If we do not have this integrity, we pollute ourselves by living in the shadow of our true self.

Emotions. They are the driving force of psychological development from early childhood to adolescence. While young children learn the names of feelings for the emotions they experience, teenagers try to understand the conflicting feelings that overwhelm them. One of them is anxious to become an independent person, the other is anxious about the growing separation from parents. Everywhere we see signs that children, teens and adults are trying to silence their feelings and distract from them in a variety of ways: from overeating, drugs, drugs, alcohol to watching TV and computer addiction. When we stop feeling, we stop growing and become prone to indifference and selfishness, bullying is an example of this. Bullies take up their daily occupation of hurting the weak with little thought of regret, shame, or concern for others. Our hearts are designed for deep feelings, not to become cold and stale.

A stale heart is a response and form of defense against the vulnerability of living in a world that is no longer safe or too emotionally and physically hurting. When attachment makes us vulnerable to injury, Neufeld argues, it comes at a cost to the ability to play, and the brain chooses survival over the ability to feel. When our feelings begin to fade, the world becomes muted and the colors of our emotional life fade.

We can slip into a world where feeling does not become a refuge, not as a result of conscious choice, but out of necessity. It is only through tenderness and nourishing affection that we can save someone from their muted world, inviting them to follow and convincing them that the world is safe again. One of the most important tasks for parents is to keep the hearts of our children soft. Their ability to experience the full range of emotions and express what is inside them will be a driving force for growth and maturity throughout their lives.

Helping children and teenagers share what is in their heartsHow can we keep our children’s hearts soft and let their emotions flow freely? We need to do more than just help them learn the names of their feelings: there should be enough contact and intimacy between us to safely express vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We may be born with the ability to express our feelings, but we also need someone to share our secrets with. In order to share secrets, we must first give our heart to someone else, so that the desire to be known and understood creates a desire to share what is inside. When we share our feelings, the relationship deepens and we feel at home under their care, feeling a strong sense of belonging.

Carl Jung once said, “We look back with admiration for the great teachers, but with gratitude for those who touched our human feelings.” Heat is a vital element for the growth of the plant and the soul of the child.” Attachment is what helps the child’s heart to hold on, filling the space between us and creating a connection as a result. They should feel our generosity and invitation, along with the freedom to express what is in their hearts, without being constrained by our visible reactions and impressions. Sometimes we find it hardest to cope with the emotions of a child that we find difficult to cope with ourselves. If we do not allow our own tears and imperfections, it will be difficult to accept the tears and emotions of the child. How do we communicate to them that their emotions are not good or bad when we judge and shame our own?

Sometimes our reactions to a child’s emotions show that we can’t or don’t want to listen. We can devalue their feelings with expressions like, “It’s okay, run and play,” or, “It’s okay to be wrong, you learn from mistakes.” When we suppress or deny their feelings, we do not create a space where a person can recognize, name and cope with their fears, desires and despair. Other answers that do not help solve the situation are attempts to rationalize feelings through logic. “Don’t worry about what others say, their words shouldn’t hurt you.” What do you mean, I'm not buying you anything? Why are you so ungrateful? Just yesterday I bought you a... Our feelings can't just be explained, in fact, we have to look at our envy, our sadness, our sense of loss in the light of day, to explore them, to find a way out, to shed tears about what's hurt inside of us.

Other examples of unhelpful answers are instructions on how children should cope when we seize the opportunity to teach them a lesson. “If you put your things in order, you’d know where to look for them when you need them.” What it would look like to a teenager if we told them not to express frustration or sadness at not being able to find something, perhaps their emotions could teach them more than we could ever convey. Finally, we sometimes seek to protect children from certain feelings that make up a familiar part of life, such as when they are not invited to a birthday party or are faced with the loss of a loved one. We try to take their eyes off the problem with promises of treasure, instead of helping them find a name for what treasure they lost. So we avoid the tears that need to be shed. If we don’t lead children to their vulnerable feelings and encourage their relationships, who will?

It takes a lot of patience and time on our part to help children express their feelings. We can express the desire to know what is inside them in many ways, from the warmth of our presence to the active listening and reflection of their experiences (for example: “You are especially irritable this morning, perhaps you are thinking about the upcoming visit to the dental and the hole to be filled?”). It’s not enough to just reflect what’s on your mind. We also need to let them know that we can handle their emotions. Some children experience very strong emotions due to innate sensitivity, which is difficult for adults to tolerate. In order for a child to share what is on his soul, he must feel that we can accept him in any way, that he must not shrink in our presence from being too difficult with him.

Soul and maturityA rich and diverse emotional life is what makes our existence complete. It is behind our self-expression, spontaneity, full involvement in life, and the quality of our relationships with others. As Albert Einstein said, “There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” The ability to express in speech what is on the soul lies at the root of the integrity and uniqueness of the individual. When we don’t value what’s inside, we can change by adapting to others, belittling and polluting ourselves in this way. We must reconcile the need for self-discovery with a world that often lacks the time, space, or desire to know what’s inside of us. The answer is not to broadcast ourselves to the world indiscriminately, but to nourish and maintain vulnerable relationships in which we can share what is in our hearts, where we are seen, heard and loved for who we really are. In the absence of a relationship with ourselves, it will be difficult to enter into deep relationships with others in which we can truly give ourselves to another person. If we cannot find space for our own emotional experiences, how can we find space within ourselves for the experiences of others? If there is no place in our heart for another person, we cannot offer him a place to rest, shelter, or satisfy his need for belonging, significance, love, and the desire to be known.

We need to help children and adolescents get to know themselves by creating a space to express themselves when they are excited, and by leading them through this stretch of life’s journey through unknown lands. When they know the names of their emotional experiences, they can understand them and figure out what to do about frustration, envy, and frustration. When they have a relationship with their inner experiences, they will be able to enter into deep meaningful relationships with others in which there is room for mutual dependence, community, and support. To share ourselves with someone, we must first find ourselves—a heart that feels, a voice that speaks, and a conviction that the richness of life comes from taking it to heart. It takes time to help kids achieve this, but this journey is expensive.

Written by Deborah MacNamara

Translated by Irina Odoval

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!

Source: alpha-parenting.ru/2015/02/09/izuchaem-yazyik-serdtsa/