Conscious communication – ever-topical theme. Particularly acute topic takes in family relations at close range, where the rights and obligations to anyone by default are unclear, and have them independently to differentiate. Therefore, as an illustration, take the relationship of partners with the caveat that the following is true in any human interaction.
We can say that the article is devoted to harmonious communication and taxiing conflict situations in a constructive way. Simple solutions and panaceas do not wait. The degree of productivity of any communication depends on the level of personal spiritual development. So hurriedly here nothing is given. But General guidelines and unwritten "rules" can sound quite accessible. We talk about them.
Tactful interlocutors feel, how to communicate carefully so as not to invade forbidden territory of another mental space. So other friends don't fight the years, not because they are advanced and aware, and because to share it is nothing special – everyone knows and sensitively protects the mutual border. To strangers on the street our person so, in General, to the bulb – them we did not expect and do not take seriously.
Forty eight million five hundred ninety one thousand seven hundred ninety three
And what man is closer, the stronger its influence and significance of each word. And this despite the fact that all the mutual borders, the rights and "duties" can be blurred and unsteady. Therefore, cohabitants and practice daily showdown, which amounts to attempts to convey to the partner, where he is our person unfair "cheat" and allows himself too much. So the showdown will inevitably lead to mutual accusations and attempts to convey personal right, set it to the rank of family law.
You can, for example, to be sure the personal right to receive a certain amount of attention and care. And due to the short – resentfully to feel deprived, and be made to prove their "second half" any culpability on her part. The imposition of guilt is an attempt to make man his debtor – that is banal manipulation for personal gain.
It is surprising how persistent naivety we all sometimes expect the partner admits his guilt, repents of the wrong, and start to become better for the sake of our persona. But feel wrong no hurry.
In the end, while the topic of the conversation neutral, all right. But once you get something meaningful, the partners immediately listens carefully and accepted each other "scan" to see whether the time has come to combat readiness, or we can relax and exhale.
It is important to understand that in a relationship there are no rules by default. Social dogma is too shaky, blurred and contradictory. So no one knows how the "right" to practice things just because no ever faithful role models here, there is no trace.
Each valid touch is influenced by the personal code. But not everyone understands what this code – it is a personal, not a real universal law. Therefore, imposing their views about what and how much we have, is nothing more than the forced imposition of their own subjective articles of Association in the brain of the partner.
I can hear the protest – say, "clearly, the man still should have..." followed by a list of the most subjective laws impenetrable personal code. Humanly, I can understand a variety of the claims of the individual person. Subjective but they do not cease to be.
In fact, establishing mutual rules, we all simply agree that risk and believe. Such conditional contracts provide no stable duties that a partner "must" to do. And if our expectations are not fulfilled, therefore, was not realistic. So, somewhere in our person disappointed, confused hope with ruthless reality.
"Nothing personal, just business»
I already talked about the fact that the relationship is largely similar to the cooperation of business partners. As long as the cooperation is mutually beneficial, it is alive and growing stronger. As soon as at least one of the parties ceases to understand why her "cooperation" is necessary, relationships are falling apart.
The business analogy may seem unfortunate, because marital relations are based on personal likes and dislikes. But sympathy – and there is nothing like a profitable side business, and antipathy unprofitable. We do not partner love unconditionally, and to their advantage for specific positive talents and qualities.
Now, try to imagine a sensible businessman and cooperation with partner ceased to benefit. How will he react? Will whine and wail, appealing partner to justice? Or maybe get drunk and seek comfort in your friends or parents? Maybe withdraw into ourselves, and devote time depressed the study of the patterns on the ceiling?
You know what I mean? Savvy businessman, practical, and unprofitable cooperation or reorganizing, transforming into a cost-effective, or terminates, as run out. And childish insults in a Mature relationship there is no room. "Оnly business".
And if the termination of cooperation all the more or less clear (case simple), the transformation of unprofitable relationships into profitable is a science that everyone develops in their own skin. "Science" this, ideally, and answer the most difficult questions about how to harmonize negative communications and to learn to steer the crisis in a peaceful way.
Probably one of the first signs when it's time to "catch its own tail" to peaceful communication is not moved in the fighting is when there is a desire something to the other party to prove. The motif may look like the innocent – say, "we're just talking" when in fact it is led by good old "instinct" ego thirst for righteousness. As soon as he felt that a man wants something to impress, or to prove – all this exchange of information began and ended with affirmation.
If the partner disagrees, then our obsessive arguments and evidence are perceived by them as a mental violence. Around and starts most of the conflicts. Naive to get respect and love, and in return we get the reverse – naturally "counter-attack". Love can, indeed, not be.
The main problem of relationship is not that the partners have different understanding of the reciprocal rights and obligations, and that the partners instead of peace talks we arrange a trial. That is, instead of clarifying mutual feelings and to negotiate, accept blame, headlong hoping thus "guilty" punished "with a fine and correctional labor".
Partner a swagger unpleasantly surprised and perceives it as a personal harassment, or even arrogant demonstration of dislike and disrespect, as if holding his mug powerless, obliged to thank for the fact that all "admitted".
Resentments, anger, accusations – all this leads not to beneficial to the partnership and to its collapse on the grounds of mutual hatred. This myself personally, it would be necessary to give the report to full clarity what it is our person seeks resorting to childish manipulation in the hope of easy profit.
As soon as the communication becomes controlled by emotions, it instantly disappears all constructive, and every word is dedicated only justification and proof of his innocence. So, talking in a raised voice partners stop to listen to each other. What kind of understanding of the interlocutor can be when everything inside is burning with desire to be heard and his claim justified?
In the emotional communication the exchange of information is replaced by direct, brute attempts to achieve immediate satisfaction. The vocal cords can extract a lot of smart, beautiful meanings, guided by the "primitive" motives – to achieve superiority over the interlocutor. In this scenario, instead of talking about it would be much more honest just to say "I'm right! I'm right!»
Sometimes one gets the feeling that people simply forget how painful they were to get involved in another conflict, and again on the thumb tread on old rake. I hope for a utopian celebration of personal justice, and get the natural bruise on his forehead.
When both partners are "in heat", it is necessary to be aware of the consequences of podlivanie "oil" additional "evidence" of self-righteousness. If none of the parties is not the senses, emotions are intensified, and the conflict grows like a tornado, pulling in all the energy of the participants. The stronger this destructive element, the more directly and openly inculcated personal superiority by belittling the significance of the opponent, up to the battering.
Other "buddies" like option – put the squeeze on and finish a partner to the departed, if only out of fear. Exactly what become heroes of the criminal Chronicles. Animal methods of achieving satisfaction saturate "animal" layers of the psyche, and the "human" part suffers with shame and vexation.
It is important to understand that in a conflict the person expresses by words, not some truth, and the energy of their emotions. "Nothing personal". So it makes no sense to take said at their own expense, to jump to conclusions and to make serious decisions in the heat of passion. Determination, fueled intoxicated with anger, inevitably leads to the destruction. When emotions subside, the situation changes drastically.
Can be trusted to stop that conflict showdown will lead to some correct conclusions, and to partner all the same get our "correct" understanding of the situation. But in fact, the most valuable conclusion to be derived from conflict is its perfect uselessness – and even loss-making.
If the desired goal is the world, and actually go to war, therefore, continues self-deception. If there is no understanding of the futility of trying to stay upright in the eyes of the opponent in the conflict, then, while not pressed any "rake" not so old, or your forehead – do not feel sorry.
For understanding the necessary soil. And this is certainly not a fight where the partners are each other refuse to understand where each is aimed at the assertion of his innocence. Nothing else an emotional showdown can bring. If you can't handle constructive insights in a calm mood, then I hope this "miracle" in the heat of passion – naïve.
Unwillingness to listen
I've already talked about two fundamental pillars of productive communication. The first is the practice of empathic listening, focused on the understanding of the interlocutor, the second is the crystallization of thoughts aimed at the task to be understood. Ideally, consciously listens to, understands him, and consciously speaking, conveys his own thoughts in a refined and clear manner.
Both qualities are important are equivalent but the fact is that nobody wants to understand, everyone wants to be understood. Even in the comments to the above article, almost all spoke and asked questions on the first part of the text is devoted to clear expression. That is, most of us want not only to be smart, understanding the interlocutor, how much those look nice and impressive in expressing his thoughts.
The opportunity to speak allows the individual to feel important. And the role of listener most of it seems boring and giving a hint of devalued subservience. So most listens in a half-ear, impatiently waiting for the queue at the "microphone", to convey and assure my opinion. In disputes and strife, this pattern is expressed especially clearly. There is someone else's opinion becomes a solid obstacle for the affirmation.
What would be humiliating would seem the role of listening to other speeches, in fact, the situation easily turns into such, where is our talkative person, enthusiastically revealing himself, becomes something of the object of study for the attentive listener. As I see it, the mind is not so much the ability to communicate, as the ability to understand – even if only silently.
Of course, when emotions are raging, it is very difficult to transcend the usual automatisms. But if the situation presses, and to develop the conflict not want, there is only one way out – to stop imposing their opinions. Further development of the plot can occur in different scenarios.
Destructive option is to try to leave the last word and raised his nose, slam the door. The conflict in this case is slack in the personal space of participants, which may consist of, but may move to the stage of the cold war, and to swell to heighten the volume. Constructive choices, as always – more complicated and require some skill.
Mindfulness in communication
When in the shower all turns and legs wobbly like an earthquake, the first important step is not to panic, finding in the soul an island of sobriety and ask yourself: "What is happening? What do I do? What you want to come? And what to achieve by their actions after the fact?»
When the two argue, everyone wants to be heard and understood. To resolve the situation someone must make the first move, to be adult to the inner child of your partner. Talking about how to begin listening to the person next really carefully. Don't rate, don't make excuses, don't argue, and just see what happens, what is the partner what is going through.
That is exactly what is brought up awareness in communication, and the condemnation of the hatchet replaced by volumetric estimates of understanding of the situation as a whole. These are two diametrically different positions. The main question first: "How can I prove his innocence?"The main question two: "How to harmonize the situation?»
From the position of self-assertion of man in General, not inclined something to think about, and being blinded by emotions, becomes a hostage of his "innocence". From a position of understanding goes all clumsy belief and the situation becomes a "bulk" with many nuances. Can be opened in any experiences of partner stuck on how unrealistic it difficult for him to calm down, and look at things our way. Speaking metaphorically, it is the transformation of an elephant into a China shop – a refined connoisseur who knows a lot about the dishes.
For ego, willing to assert such a maneuver may seem impossible – especially in a conflict situation where the opposite to pain, I want to make a partner a silent mouthpiece for their own morals. This desire weakens as the awareness of its futility.
Yes, in a sense, I propose here to learn to give partner a "service", the provision which our person was waiting for him. Isn't that weird? Maybe there is no futility of the assertion of his innocence? Maybe easier to throw partner the link to this article below I learned to listen? Say, "let them grow up, because he's wrong! And our person rights it's the need to listen to!". Such arguments is the continuation of an old song about the guilt of the partner and impenetrable our eternal "rightness".
I already said that in a strange way, familiarization with the mechanisms of self-deception encourages most of us to expose the fallacies of anyone but themselves. Meanwhile, the only way of spiritual maturation is associated with the cognition is not other people, namely their own mistakes. And the incrimination of others in the presence of self-importance, speaks only about the swelling thereof have of our person.
Exactly the same – to trust in the favor of personal whims on what adults in a pair will become a partner is a very childish position. Partner can, and will, that's just our infantile person he will quickly get bored.
Resources for mindfulness in communication is easier to find those whose consciousness is absorbed emotions to a lesser degree. And this is not a weakness but a challenge, coaching mental strength. When you exit the capture emotions can sometimes be dis-identification with the intoxicated layers of personality, and comes to feel like woke up from a bad dream and came to himself. If this ongoing drama is a smile is a good sign.
On one side
All of us in relationships sometimes do not like something, and sometimes outright annoying. But people rarely talk openly about the reasons for his condition. And sometimes do not know what unhappy. All displaced into the unconscious, where it continues invisibly influence.
In the end, communicate with the person and he was kind of nervous, jerky movements, gaze intense, the tone callous. The man himself doesn't understand him, but his dissatisfaction with the seek out, and then start nitpicking already to innocent details.
Can long and hard to pretend that nothing is happening. But in the end because of the restraint of negative emotions on each other overlap, tangle and create a gloomy attitude to life.
In order for any relationship not result in a silent war, you should be able to talk. Not to torture each other, not to fight, and open events to discuss and negotiate.
Destructive ways of expressing emotions – their chaotic splashing in impulsive attacks. You can Express emotions constructively – clearly indicating personal boundaries and feelings that arise in the course of their violation.
That the partner has noticed that you listen, not just nod to form, can be expressed and heard in your own words – not distorting, no jeers – so that people felt that it I really do.
If not for lucid communication, more productive – to disperse peacefully in the corners, and to wait, when emotions will subside and reciprocal space cease to serve as a ring for duels.
There is difficult to prove the Vedic conception, according to which the emotional background in the relationship asks the woman. While men in General are emotionally weak, and carry communication in loud tones, much harder than women think. From this position the man is like an empty vessel that can fill the energy of love from a woman. When the jar is full, grateful man begins to love in return, and gets enormous motivation your woman cherish and maintain.
Otherwise, men perceive women's attacks as disrespect and the struggle for power. In fact, the woman is not fighting for power, and for the opportunity to feel that the men's support. The logic in this and vicious circles on a couple of positive easily traced. Grateful of thanks. Offended by insults in response. Direct analogy – an ordinary mirror.
From any rule there are exceptions. All the nuances in the format of the article is not articulate. And a quarrel can encourage reflection, and productive conclusions. It's worth understanding that the relationship partners on one side, to each other, not enemies and not competitors. So overall the boat should not rock, and work together to strengthen.published