Psychologist Anne Iotko about the most common mistakes women that destroy relationships and how to get 1% of the happiest women in the world
I would like to start by saying that initially people come to us to share our joy. They come with some pain. Often you can see how cars are sitting in adjacent pairs. They are cold look at each other or even looking in different directions. And sometimes she ship her man some endless problems as he sits so downtrodden. How to avoid such situations, and where lies the root of the problem?
The problem is initially wrong platform relations. There is a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love will last forever. No one does not build the house, no one does not get a profession, and no one is recovering. The next myth - I realized. But this is very little. Awareness is fine, but it came to nothing lead. Exclusion of the process of building relationships and serious attitude to this is the abyss. You have to understand where we're going. We go together or separately? You know, the irresponsibility, the process sets the wrong direction. I love their customers - men. One of them told me: "I have a feeling that for 7 years was the same woman, only with different hair." And it was a discovery for me. No woman no different.
I believe that a woman is building relationships. Do you know why I do not advise couples? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And nothing else from a psychologist, he is not waiting. I believe that a man responds only to a woman. It will not be as responsive to a psychologist. I work with women because piously believe that when a woman changes, changing the ratio of men to her. And when a woman is absolutely irresponsible about his life, what she feels and how he lives and how she wants to live, and then the man does not know what she wants.
1. Failed to conduct a lot of talk on the part of women
The fundamental error in a relationship - it is a lot of talk on the part of women. It's not just talk. This is when a woman says, "I'll tell you how to! I know! You do not know you at all ... ". When a woman starts her sermons, instead of give him a distance for thought. Instead of having to explain to him the reason for his sadness and bad mood. She begins his sermons, for example, in the car ... at a time when he can not even get out of it. And it continues all the way to make his brain on a minor subject. Then they come home, eat, go to sleep and in the morning all repeated.
2. A mistake to go from one extreme to
In women, there is another common mistake. They constantly go to extremes - always available and totally disabled. For example, girls of my generation were taught that a woman's duty ... wife. Puny man denied because there are a neighbor, which can be agreed.
When a woman is available to the partner, regardless of his conduct as a close ... and it loses value, both for itself and for the partner. Since the foundation of the relationship. It's a role. The student and the teacher, mother and child, and only as a man and a woman ... It connects hallmark.
From this it can be concluded that if no pair normal relationship, their future predetermined? If a man against a woman has no desire or is lost, the relationship eventually collapse.
Can I fix it? Yes. There are ways. If we are deeply immersed in the physiology and remove the morality and ethics, then we go to testosterone, which responds to endorphin. What are endorphins? This state of quiet joy. Remember the women you saw in a quiet joy?
A little bit. Even very small.
When the woman holds the position of leader of the hard or mother in the family, her desire disappears. And why? Because the man in my head and my mother ... - are two different things. Mom to love, but ... you need to look for another woman. And when a woman constantly plays the role of mother in the family and their own initiates relationship - it is the worst alignment of those that might be. And the man finds another woman to ... What to do? When we return to the mother role of the woman. What is a woman? This two roles. Girl and active mother. Not when the mother prevails and when the girl prevails. The woman - a combination of girls and mothers. In conjunction we get quiet, harmonious woman who knows how to be flexible. Mom can not be flexible, as always something to worry about and should be correct. A girl can not be flexible, simply because it is stupid. And return the woman to understand their emotions and their quiet joy in 90% of cases in the family to build relationships. A lot of my clients are reconsidering the relationship and partner. And they say to me: "This is not what I expected." Although up to this man can fight for two years. Why is this happening? When a woman learns to feel it understands what calm joy. And learning to find the tools to come to such a state. Hormonally and physiologically impossible to ignore such a woman.
Will definitely a man react? Yes. This female force. When this condition begins to dominate a woman's life, then men become more. Their attention increases, more likely to say compliments and stuff. Because "God testosterone" does not ignore. Some men later understand the cause of her appeal, but most are unable to explain what they are attracted to. A woman can have any external data. She superkrasivoy not have to be either very smart. Absolutely any external and internal quality can be happy and build a family.
Many women cultivate some qualities. Responsibility, honesty, loyalty, success and so on. If it brings a quality of inner calm joy, then yes. Then it correctly. But the internal development of qualities not guarantee happy relationships. Warranty happy relationships - knowing your emotions and achieve a quiet joy of the first. Because a man can only multiply what has a woman.
Women waiting to see what will come a man who will do anything and become good. It does not become good. Because the need for love - it is a basic need. The basic requirements we can implement only their own. And if a woman is not able to meet their basic needs on their own, will increase resentment. Although it would seem, it goes as it should, and the man does as writing in journals. But she does not feel. And this leads to the fact that people break up.
If treated badly by the pet - do not feed, constantly scolding. For example, I have a friend of the family, where there is a cat. And here's a woman that cat hates and loves the man. Well, the cat does not go to my mother! Therefore, if we talk about the man, it can be any number of his mentor and everything else, but sooner or later things that bind him to the family, just burst. And he will.
3. Error peel tiger sneakers
The woman often tries to convey to the man that he is not in line with its views. The woman is constantly repeating statements such as: "You lazy!", "How can I?", "You'll never earn money", "When you make a decision?", Etc. And report information from a position in the end make him a cat who does not want her to come.
I have such an allegory, when we take the tiger and let us peel his sneakers every day. We tell him that he was not strong and you're not Tiger. What I see is a mistake? When a woman learns to feel their emotions and learn to declare, rather than to assess the behavior of a man or himself, then comes the balance in communication.
I invite a woman to say such phrases as, "You know, I'm sad," "Do you know, I am very upset because I explained to you how important it is for me in the hope that you will understand me. Now I need to be alone. I'll give myself up, and then we'll discuss. Okay? "Thus, a woman gives a man is responsible for his condition. It is very important. Because all women are waiting for justice. A man totally comfortable being who is not very fond of the extra responsibility. He was a lot easier to make a woman feel comfortable, rather than later be responsible for the fact that his woman is sad.
4. The error does not know what the state of happiness
I have been working for 15 years and for a long time did not understand why the girls with very different status, age, experience and education make the same mistakes. And what I realized? What is the parents' responsibility is enormous. Parents must give their daughter experience happiness, for which she would later identify themselves in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when she comes to life, she does not know what the state of happiness. She knows fragmentary state awards for good grades, good behavior or something else. And so it goes in life without knowing what happiness is, and meets a man who says: "I am happy!". She takes him to her. It takes 2-3 years, and she does not feel happiness.
Errors of women is that they think that they are guilty of the fact that they are unhappy. Because she does not know how it is. And the woman in the blind up to 40 years to learn this. Although it should be given in childhood. Today, the main task of the parents - to convey to their children, what is happiness.
Why children are going through a divorce? Because parents are going through. If a mother is killed on the divorce, the child will have the injury. I have conducted research on this topic. I asked a question: "Dad was gone. It was a tragedy. How to behave your mom? ". Mom tragetizirovala few years. And this mother is not giving your child a sense of happiness. Many children of my clients are coming to him and say, "Let it go already. Let him go away. ". They understand that when the pope is not at home, there is a good and comfortable. They dance, sing and have fun. Pope comes and takes the tension. Exert all, including children. In this case, the child will not be injured if it will not declare mom.
If only parents would not find a way to remove all tension. It turns out that we are back to the point from which we started. If a woman raises and cultivates a sense of quiet joy, it solves two problems. It conveys a sense of their children.
5. The error does not show affection and to raise her children in
My friend has a son and he was 7 years old. A daughter 3 years. When my daughter to him fit, she shows affection. By and large, nature shows a model of behavior of the girl. If a woman behaved all the time so that the man would not have any chance of staying indifferent. But where this all is lost with age? Why did you start talking to a woman, you need as much time to wait until she cling to you. When women have children, they did it unconsciously. Why should we teach it again?
This anxiety. Experience from previous relationships. When the girl cheated three times, she begins to think: "What if he does not need? Suddenly he would alienate me? ».
When I put myself in it, I will say a kind word, then it will not be a bad release. Similarly, our children. First - you should always take their feelings. If she cries, you can never tell her that she was crying because of nonsense. I must say that you would have cried in your place. We need to empathize. One of the tools is to make it clear to your child that he's all right.
Empathize very simple. Even if you do not empathize enough to say: "I would have done so." And then the child has an understanding of what he's all right. When a child says, "No! Well as you can! ", It seems that with him all right. Since it is different from their parents.
I must say to their children: "Whatever the situation, I'm with you." And you have to stop yourself from moralizing. Many people say, "I'm in any situation with you, but you listen to when I was your age ...". And it starts.
If one is engaged in the improvement of their lives, it will not get into the teenage life. Moreover, young people are choosing to authorities egoists. Those who violate the rules, the strong, those who do not care. And when the mother is exposed to public opinion and believes that it is necessary to stand silently, smoothly and does not stand out, they are not authorities. The authority for the child is the one who is committed to meeting its healthy selfishness. That is the kind of person tends to joy and happiness. And if a woman decides to cultivate a calm joy, she decides a lot of questions. As in relationships and with children. Why is that? Because my mother want to be proud of. And when my mother suffered 18 years as a daughter could come to her for advice? It is in fact itself does not understand and does not know. After all, she lived a life badly.
6. The error does not help men learn to speak
A man should learn to speak. The main problem that the voices in my consultations. When a man does not speak, the woman feels unnecessary. The problem is that men make plans alone and do not discuss them with the woman. If a man says: "Today, I'm working for three years to buy us a house," the woman with the joy of his support. In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, it means he loves her. But the woman is not clear. My wife asked, "How do I know what he looks at me a little late coming and sleeping in the other room?". When I ask this question to men, they say, "Well, I did it! Everything is fine. " With women need to talk. We must say: "I'm tired. Prepare a dish that's me. " And the woman will be happy.
How to tell men that you need?
The fact that women see detail. That is up from the fragments of the big picture. And men see the big picture. And when I was a small detail, it is not very important, because the overall picture retains integrity. When changing the overall picture, the man begins to think about what you need to change something. We need to clean out of the picture at least one link. For example, I did not get up in the morning and not fed breakfast, no cooked dinner and so on. Explaining the fact that you need to hear how much you need her husband. "Please tell me I'm important." When a woman does something and asks the man: "How?". At the head of a man there is an explosion. He thinks that if he says, and does not fall, it will be a scandal. We need to talk more specifically: "Tell me what I'm good," "Tell me what I am to you is valuable, I need it." There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, for example, asks you where his shirt and asked to make tea. You tell him the following: "Three important words to me, and I will tell you where your shirt" or "5 gentle words and you will have the best tea in the world." Men really need to train for a while to ensure that it is constantly telling you these words. Later, the man will be alone to use this tool in dealing with women.
7. The error does not work on their beauty
Why does a woman when out on the street for hours standing at the mirror and she wants to look a little better for strangers, but can not find the time to look good for her man at home? This is because women are concerned about public opinion. Her man is already there. She is much more important that the man is not to say something wonderful, and someone else's husband says about what he beautiful wife.
It's not exactly a healthy position and it must be eradicated. I believe that to be beautiful - it's a job for a woman for life. It does not matter how old she is. No matter whom she works. If it ceases to appreciate the reality, given to her by birth, she uses not all of its potential. It should not go into fanaticism when another woman before the man woke suggests marafet. But in no case can not run itself. The story you're talking about shows that a woman does not feel lost and their value. He does not take responsibility for his family.
This is the same as: "Let's not quarrel, and then the neighbors will hear».
Like some point she realized that she launches herself? How does it recognize itself?
It is easy to understand. When the girl at the sight of the other more or less well-groomed woman begins to experience inner discomfort. This means that it's a bit forgotten himself.
How quickly regain a sense of joy?
The easiest - it's food. This is the easiest way to find pleasure. But if a woman takes it a rule is a pleasure in the day, she would know what state and that will bring her pleasure. When she wakes up, she has to ask themselves, "What I enjoyed myself today delivered?". And if the answer is no, then you need to sort out before that time while in his head something clicks.
Simple techniques to be happy!
Why is that?