"Who's nervous? This I nervous?!" 40 killer jokes about psychologists and their clients

First was the psychiatrist, then behaviorists, analysts and Gestalt therapists... Only patients not changed — they are still saved by humor. The website offers the reader a brief history of psychology at the jokes!

To psychologists with distressed people worked psychiatrists Than psychologist different from a psychiatrist?
— When the psychologist listens to the client he says, "yeah, yeah..." and the psychiatrist: "yeah, yeah!.."

***

Answering machine mental hospital: Hello, welcome to the hospital named after Pavlov. Please...

• If you have obsessive-convulsive psychosis, press 1 before the appearance of spasms.
• If you have a split personality, simultaneously press 2 and 3.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are, what you do in life and what you want, so stay on the line until we establish why you are calling.
• If you suffer from hallucinations, press 4, and you (and only you) will see to your right the orange crocodile.
• If you are schizophrenic, ask an imaginary friend to click for you 5 key.
• If you have depression, it doesn't matter which key you press, it still will not change anything, your case is hopeless and you have nothing can help...
• If you suffer from indecision, leave a message after the beep; or tone; or at the time of the signal; in General, as you like.
• If you have a pathological greed, then immediately hang up, as this is a toll call.
• If you have low self-esteem, call, please, later, since now all operators are busy people, more worthy than you.

***

Psychiatrists talk:
— Well, how are you doing with that guy?
— Yes, quite cured of his paranoia but then he was shot...

***

The reporter asked the Director of the madhouse, which test is a criterion for discharge.
— We pour a full bath of water, put next to a tea spoon and a pint and offer to release water from the bath.
The reporter smiles and says:
Well, any normal person would take a mug.
"No," said the Director, " a normal person would pull the plug.

***

Burning roof — 01, need a roof — 02, the roof goes — 03.

Psychology began with behaviorists From the diary of observations:
First day: the Dog had weed on the floor. Poked her face into the puddle and throw it out the window.
Day two: the Dog had weed on the floor. Poked her face into the puddle and throw it out the window.
Third day: a Dog was pissing on the floor. Poked her face into the puddle and throw it out the window.
Day four: Dog peed on the carpet... shoved his face into the puddle and jumped out the window.

***

One monkey says another, what is a conditioned reflex: "Look, I'll press this button and the guy in a white coat immediately react and give me a banana".

Replaced behaviorism came Sigmund Freud and his psihoanaliz Therapist asks the client:
— Tell me you last night didn't happen to a dream?
I don't know, maybe dreamed of...
"Maybe you dreamt about the fish?
— No... no...
— And about what you were dreaming?
Well, I was walking down the street...
— And there were puddles in the ditches?
— Well, I don't know...
— Well, could they be there?
I suppose in a ditch or anywhere else, might have been a puddle...
— And in these puddles could be a fish?
— No... no...
— And in the dream the street was a restaurant? You walked down the street, isn't it?
Well, maybe there was a restaurant...
— While the restaurant served fish?
— Well, I suppose the restaurant could...
Yeah! I knew it! Fish in a dream! Fish in a dream!

***

— Doctor, I'm haunted by thoughts of suicide.
— Then I will ask you to pay in advance.

***

At the appointment the psychiatrist shows the patient a sheet on which is drawn a triangle and asks the patient to tell what he sees in the picture.
— Well, it's very simple, doctor! — responding patient. Is the house in which the two make love.
— Hmm. Interesting. What is this? "the doctor asks, showing a square.
And this is where you two make love.
They are very interesting. And this, you think? asked the doctor, holding out the circle.
— And this pool, in which the two make love.
— Well, what's this? — the doctor shows the sheet with the image of the zigzag.
— Doctor!!! You're just a sex maniac!

***

Analyst — client:
"You see, Madame, your child has the Oedipus complex.
— Complex, complex... all this nonsense. If only mummy loved!

***

One therapist says to another:
— Yesterday I had a reservation — well, just according to Freud: I wanted to say to his wife: "Honey, pour me a coffee, please," and turned: "You are my whole life ruined, you bastard!"

***

Die psychologist. Coming to the gates of Paradise. The Apostle Peter asked him:
— Who are you?
— Psychologist...
— Ooh, no, psychologists to hell!
Psychologist, crying, goes in next door, sits back in the pan... and suddenly saw that the fence in Paradise, Freud sits and eats apples!
The psychologist running back and let's call Peter.
"What you want?
Yes... of course! You said, psychologists don't go to heaven! And there you have Freud!
The Apostle Peter pokes a hole in the fence and whispers:
— Just between us: well, what is Freud a psychologist?

One of the disciples of Freud were Alfred Adler, discovered the world of inferiority complex Therapist — patient man:
— Tell me, the realization of your inferiority come to you suddenly, or develop normally, in connection with marriage and fatherhood?

***

The patient goes from therapist and says indignantly:
And this jerk thinks that it could cure me of my inferiority complex?!

Change psychoanalysis came humanistic psychology of Carl Rogers, who explained that patients need to listen to a client Comes to a therapist:
— I have a problem,
— You have problems.
— I hate myself.
— You hate yourself.
— There is no reason to live.
— Do you find meaning in life.
— I want to kill myself.
— You want to kill yourself.
The customer approaches the window and is thrown from the twelfth floor.
The therapist walks to the window and says:
Boom...

Later, Europe saw the triumphal procession of Gestalt therapy Fritz Perls — How Gestalt therapists to change a lightbulb?
One, but you need to she wanted.

***

Psychologist gestaltist opens the fridge. See, there sits his three year old son.
— What, son, you be cold?
— Hooooooooo, dad.
— Stay in this.
Closes the fridge.

Psychology became available to the masses. Appeared the helpline a call on "a Telephone hotline":
Help! I have left a maximum of 50 seconds!
— Hold on...

***

— Tell me, what dies?
— PIP you to the language. Know how to scold us for it?

***

Night. It is the fifth hour telephone counselling.
Consultant:
— Tell us about suicide you think?
— No, you...
— And you think, think!!!

Such different psychological Neurosis your wife is not dangerous. With him, she will live many years, — says the psychologist.
"And I? — asked the man.

***

All I have in life is good, but lacks the thrill... Everything I've tried, and parachute jumping, and scuba diving etc. I Want something new.
— Get yourself a mistress.
— I have three of them — does not help.
— Then tell them about your wife...

***

— Doctor, I'm scared all the time.
— What is it?
— For example, that when I walk out of the room, my child will fall out of the crib, and I will not hear.
— So get off the floor carpet!

***

— Come on, as a psychologist, what should I do: my husband does not like my dog!
— Do you have access to poison...
— Who?
— Well, you have a choice...

***

If you want to become sick, unhappy, suffer nervous disorders and insomnia, to spoil the lives of themselves and others, to be unbalanced and disturbing to come! You will advise the doctor-the therapist with clinical experience of 40 years.

***

The ad therapist: "Deliver us from alcohol and drug addiction in a single session. To constant clients — the discount."

So different clients Tell me, what's your problem?
"You see, nobody loves me. Maybe you can help me, nasty fat old man?

***

The patient kicked lying on the floor of the psychiatrist and shouts:
Is anyone nervous?! This I nervous?!

***

— I want you quite frankly told me about his life, from the very beginning.
— So, first I created the heavens and the earth...

***

— Tell me, does your family cases of megalomania?
Sometimes my husband declares that he is the head of the family.

***

A psychiatrist asks the client:
— Tell me, do you very indecisive person?
— Yes and no, doctor.

***

On reception at the psychiatrist.
— Doctor, every night I keep having the same nightmare: my mother-in-law with a crocodile on a leash. You imagine those bared teeth, those eyes narrowed and burning with hatred look, this cold bumpy skin!!!
— Yes, indeed, very scary...
— Wait, I mean the crocodile is not told!..

***

The doctor invites the husband and wife at the reception. Takes away the husband behind the screen and says:
You know, if you are going to do with your wife love, she will die soon.
The husband with the wife back home and the wife asks the husband:
— Honey, what the doctor said?
— The doctor said you will die!

***

The bypass in a psychiatric hospital:
— This poor guy crazy when his fiancee had married someone else.
Go into the next chamber:
— And here contains the other...

***

Waiting for the examination, the patient husband, the wife rushes to the doctor and frantically grabs him by the lapels of his robe:
— Doctor, what of him? Is it serious?
"Your husband need a complete rest, I'll write a very effective tranquilizer.
— And how could he receive it?
— Will take you.

***

The girl complains to the psychologist:
— I can't help myself: every date with a cute guy ends up sleeping with, and then another week I feel guilty. Help me!
— So you want to raise self-esteem and strengthen willpower...
Is that you, doctor! Just help me to get rid of the guilt!

***

If you torment erotic dreams? — asks the therapist.
— Why torment? — surprised the patient.

***

One French psychologist claimed: "the Current generation is almost indistinguishable from ours. They also grow. Also go to the Lyceum. Also smoke their first cigarette. Also leave home. Is also married. Also give birth to children. Only in reverse order."

via www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/istoriya_psihologii_v_anekdotah