Invisible violence

Violence in relationships is a painful and terrible topic. But shedding light on it is necessary.

Abusive behavior is not only beatings, but also various forms of psychological violence, which can be difficult to recognize and track.

What does “invisible” violence look like in a relationship and what to do about it?





No Better Than Beatings: Other Types of Physical Violence

Many actions that do not seem to be physical violence (like a partner does not hit you or throw heavy objects), in fact, can be equated with it. These are actions that threaten your life, health or safety.

For example, a husband or wife likes aggressive and dangerous driving and seems not to hear your calls to drive more carefully (or hears and makes a scandal). As a result, you only get numb with fear when he or she fits into another steep turn.

Your partner is using or storing drugs in your apartment. Denies you the necessary: money for food, medicines, minimal household goods at the moment when you depend on it (sick, pregnant, on maternity leave, just lost your job). Convinced to take a loan for expensive and status items, although the financial situation obviously does not allow this, and even records this loan on you.

Any action that causes you to put your life and health at risk is physical violence.

There's one way out. Build up the courage, perhaps enlist the support of close friends or relatives, a psychologist - and voice a firm refusal or ultimatum.

There are no compromises here: it is about your life. I won't ride with you. You can't keep anything in the apartment that I could be prosecuted for, or I won't live with you. I need money, medicine, food for me and the baby.

Any relationship that can be described as “I’m scared, uncomfortable and bad, but I endure because I’m afraid (anger or revenge of a partner, loss of a relationship, etc.)” involves an element of violence.



And these are typical signs of psychological violence in relationships:

• ridicule,
• humiliation,
• devaluation of achievements.

Unfortunately, this kind of violence is equally prevalent among men and women. “Look at your cellulite, cow” and “You are not a man, but a rag” are statements of the same order. It's humiliation and psychological abuse.

If you get a bonus and a promotion at work, and your spouse says, “Well, the salary is still small for the capital,” it is depreciation.

This also includes belittling comments or insulting jokes in the company: “The second piece of cake?” And who complained yesterday that he ate his sides?, “Well, Lenochka is not an intellectual, so he will not be able to participate in your interesting conversation about politics.”



Ignoring

Lack of support and interest hurts. Close relationships imply that we support the endeavors of loved ones, at least partially interested in what is interesting to them, and pay attention to events that are significant to them. And that's okay. If you went to the gym and enthusiastically describe your success, and the partner immediately translates the conversation to your favorite series – it’s a shame. Not because you're oversensitive, but because it's a real neglect.

When this happens once or twice, it deserves a serious conversation. In the event that the conversation did not help and the neglect continues, it should be admitted: The person shows that emotionally significant events for you are not interesting to him.



Disclosure of personal information

You tell your partner something personal and ask for “just between you and me” and they talk to their colleagues about it.

Your spouse shares details of your intimate life with your mother and close friends. "What's the matter," they're close.

You find that mutual acquaintances are aware of your fears, complexes and problems, even though you have only talked about it with your partner.

This behavior is a gross violation of trust and your right to privacy.



Endless Projects to Improve You

Your partner finds a list of shortcomings in you and actively encourages you to correct them. You are absent-minded, sloppy, unsportsmanlike, not ambitious enough, too ambitious...

This differs from the usual lamentation in a relationship in that the shortcomings over time become more, not less, and their list never runs out. In place of the corrected immediately appear new, and the fact that you listened to the previous recommendations, the partner seems not happy.

Blackmail is gradually turned on: the partner hints that if this or that flaw is not corrected, it is not known whether your relationship will continue.

No matter how hard you try, you still feel bad (bad), and you do not know which side to turn to your partner to finally like him.



Total control, jealousy, backbiting about your friends and family, reading personal correspondence, checking your mobile phone

A dangerous sign that often foreshadows the transition to physical violence. The abusive does not tolerate competition, in his world you should belong only to him. Therefore, all other relationships are devalued, curtailed.

You are made to feel guilty about meeting your girlfriend for a cup of coffee. Requires a "check" list of incoming and outgoing calls from the phone. They say nasty things about your whole company: they dress badly, they're just stupid, and they're all a bunch of losers. Your sister uses you, your mother has a bad influence on you - you better not talk to them at all.



Constant change of distance, disappearance from communication, sudden alienation

When courtship develops into a relationship, let alone a marriage, it implies a transition to stability. This means that at any given time, you approximately know what your partner is doing: he is at work, or with friends, or went to his mother. You can contact him: call, write, find out where he is and what he is doing. And if not, you know that he will contact you after a short time. It's a healthy scenario.

He does not disappear for a day, does not turn off the phone, does not fall out of communication for three days, leaving on a business trip to a landscaped city or country where there is mobile coverage.

Suddenly “falling out” of touch, disappearing all day after a fight, or suddenly offering “a month to live apart to refresh your feelings” (when it’s not a serious marriage crisis that is obvious to both) is shock and emotional abuse. The second partner does not have time to adjust to a sharp change of distance, and the status of the relationship is questioned.

Are we married or not? Are we dating or not? And if so, why would you disappear for three days and then suddenly show up like nothing happened?





Where do abusers come from? Maybe he (she) has problems, childhood injuries and a very difficult life.

No doubt it is. There are no abusers with a happy childhood and an easy carefree life. In abusive relationships – both as a victim and as a psychological rapist – usually enter those who from childhood lacked security, warm affection for parents and unconditional love. Therefore, one person has a desire to keep a partner under control, manage him, and the second – to adjust, try to earn love. They often change roles in the process.

And yet, if you recognize a loved one in this list, you should remove the role of a savior and wound healer. You are a partner, wife or husband, not a doctor or a psychologist. No injury gives you the right to constantly hurt other people.

The first step to breaking the cycle of psychological violence: Acknowledge that it is happening and that you are not happy in this relationship. Doing so can be scary: It’s not easy to admit that your loved one is treating you cruelly. It is very good if you have the opportunity to talk to friends, relatives you trust, a psychologist or counselor on a helpline. When a problem is called out loud, it is no longer so afraid to deal with it. And many things become clearer when they are spoken.

Next step: Try to firmly outline the boundaries, indicate your willingness and unwillingness to do something, wishes for a partner.

• “I’m ready to schedule a date for a friend when you’re watching a sports match. But I do not intend to stop communicating with her altogether.”
• “I’m not going to change my job, even if you don’t think it’s right for me – I like this place.”
• “I want you to stop making fun of me, in front of friends and alone. It hurts me to hear that, and no, it's not a joke, it's a real humiliation.

The relationship has a chance to move to healthier ones where the other partner starts listening. agree to go to a family psychologist, talk about what hurts and disturbs him, will compromise.

The abusive will continue to shift all responsibility to the second. To complicate and confuse the conversation as much as possible, be offended, keep silent and translate the arrows. Often in such cases, the abusers independently offer the victim to part: “I am satisfied with everything, and if you do not like something, well, divorce.”

Usually, after psychological abuse is realized, a certain crisis occurs in the pair. It ends with either a breakup or, in a good case, a continuation and improvement of the relationship if both partners want to get out of the circle of manipulative and violent scenarios.



What if I recognized myself in the portrait of the abuser?

If you are able to recognize these negative scenarios, this is the first step to change.

The next step might be, for example, to ask yourself, what are you missing in this relationship? Why do you resort to manipulation and coercion? Do you do this in response to your partner’s behavior? And are you willing to take the risk of moving to a more honest and direct way of communicating?

This can put the relationship at risk: there’s a chance your partner won’t be ready to retaliate. In the end, it will definitely make your life better.

Manipulating and trying to achieve one’s workarounds, instead of admitting one’s desires, is a heavy burden that makes one unhappy.

Perhaps you lack trust in him or her - what can you do to make it appear? Is it the relationship itself or that you lack trust in people at all? This topic would be good to discuss with a specialist.

Or do you find it difficult to accept his shortcomings and imperfections? Is that how you treat yourself? People often ask for what they want from their partner: From high salary to impeccable appearance. Shifting your “focus” on yourself can make things much better. You will know what your relationship is and what you want from life. published



Author: Yana Filimonova



P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!

Source: www.matrony.ru/nevidimoe-nasilie/