Signs of NON-abusive relationships Bashny.Net

This article is neither psychological nor scientific. This article is not "objective," whatever that concept may mean. This article describes primarily the experience of white middle class women with higher education, and a little for the experience of my friends, from the same privileged class. All generalizations based on extremely small sample and is made intuitively, starting from bodily and emotional sensations. I hope by writing this short introduction, I gave a tribute to his own attachment to the norms of scientific methodology.

My experience of non-violent partner, friendship or love relationships are very small. Most of my adult life, from 16 to 27 years I spent within the different unhealthy partnerships with men or with women. Basically it was more or less stringent options of codependency, in which I also acted quite violently towards my partner/partners and myself.





Only about the last two years of his life 28-30 years I can with some confidence say that I have learned not to engage in a violent relationship and to build a relationship healthy enough for sustainable and viable.

But even that small experience is important and revealing, in order to distinguish between these types of relations.

As the signs of violent and co-dependent relationships all too well known, I want to describe what are relationships without violence. I will speak about the relationship between two people of any gender, because I believe that somehow polyamorie relationship can be viewed as relations of several "pairs". I'm going to talk about the relationship of adults, without considering parent-child relationships. And I believe that all of these items can easily be attributed both to friendship and to love relationships, there is no big difference.

Generally speaking, everything seems to be just, each and every clear. Non-violent and healthy relationship is a relationship where THERE is mutual sympathy, respect, support, affection, and where THERE are emotional, much less physical or sexual violence. But since such a formulation, although true, is still very abstract, I would like to write about what exactly it means.

 

No physical violence, and even a distant hint of it

 

This is the basic point. That is, never. Never. Under any circumstances. Your body is not experiencing pain or discomfort from the interaction with the partner/partner. You don't get punched in the face. Do not pull the hand so that it is painful or uncomfortable. Do not push, do not pinch, do not pinch, not bite, not a kiss not a hug if you hate it or do not want.

 

No emotional abuse

 

It is always more difficult area, which is more difficult to speak. Emotional abuse is less obvious and frequently masked by any supposedly "normal" behavior. In my opinion, the main criterion on which it is possible to rely on is their own emotional feelings. So, in a relationship, there is emotional abuse if:





1. You can freely say when you are uncomfortable

No matter what you do together. Dance, walk, ski, play computer games, have sex, go to a concert, to visit, discuss the exhibition Suprematism, or anything else — and you feel comfortable doing so. If you experience discomfort of any kind (physical, emotional, physiological) — you feel that they can safely report it, and you do not feel fear. "I'm tired", "I'm sorry", "I felt scared when I heard it," "I feel comfortable only when we talk on the phone twice a day" you can safely say. One of the most important criteria when you say it, you don't feel fear.

 

2. Your partner or partner interested in the fact that you have been well

When you report that you need something or don't like something, it leads to a calm reaction. Straining the situation or the behavior of your partner/partner after this change. No matter what it concerns.

• You don't like it when you touch your hair, you report it, and your hair never touch.
• It is important for you every day to hear something soothing — and you say it.
• You don't want to kiss in the subway — and you won't try to kiss in the subway.
• You are afraid of the sex with penetration and you don't practice penetrative sex.
• It is important for you together in the evening to drink tea and you are going to meet.
• You always like to eat from the same plates and you always put the dinner in the plate.

 

Any "little things" that are important for your Wellness. If your partner or partner know that you have some sort of stable zone of discomfort, they are most likely to be interested in how to ensure your well being and take the initiative to find out how well you feel. For example, if you find it difficult to be in the room at the same time a lot of people and a lot of loud noises, and you came to the concert, you ask well if you feel.

 

3. A message about their feelings, needs, or decisions does not lead to manipulation

You never punished, not devalue and blackmail, if you report your feelings. In response to "I can't come tomorrow" you can hear "I'd be happy(and) if you'd come and I'm sorry that you can't" but never hear "If you don't want to go there, then you don't love me/you don't care about me/you're cold" or "You're just hysterical" or "How do I ostala of your whims" or "You always want to spoil my night" or "You're boring" or "really, you're gonna love it, here you will see" — any phrase like that. You are not punished emotional rejection in the form of coldness, refusal to talk or neglect. You don't report that you are too weak, or that to fear shame. You are also not persuaded with tears of pity, persistent requests, flattery or gifts.

 

4. A conflict situation is calm

In a conflict situation, you can calmly discuss the option that is convenient and will suit the two of you. A conflict situation does not cause a surge. Sometimes this may mean a rather strange and not a quick option — it does not matter, the main thing that both of you are satisfied with this pace.

The situation of conflict does not exhaust you emotionally, you don't need a long time to recover from it and you don't feel emotional pain after. A conflict situation leads to a clarification of what is happening between you, then you understand each other better and become closer, not another's. Even if, for example, this discussion leads to the fact that you realize that you are not further along the road and stop Dating. Yes, I know it sounds very corny.

 

5. When you think about your partner / partner, in your mind there is fog

You remember where, when and what you did together and you get a sense of smrtnosti or confusion from your conversations. This is especially important when it comes to conflict or showdown. You remember how you discussed the situation of conflict and you get the feeling of fog and confusion from the conversation. You have a good feel of touch with your emotions and with your body during conflict situations. The feeling of fog is often said that in a conversation arose manipulation and emotional abuse.

 

6. Violent relationships often develop quite slowly

Not to say boring. This is because in such relationships, people have a mutual interest to make everything as comfortable as possible for each other and this is most important. This often means that the relationship is slow, as you need time to begin to trust each other, overcome fear of intimacy to understand what you like or don't like. You just in no hurry and you can safely explore the space that occurs between you.

If you get the feeling very fast uncontrolled flow that carries you, and you can't influence if you don't feel your body and you no longer sense their own will — it is a sign of abusive relationships.





7. When you think about your partner/ partner you can't imagine him or her as an unattainable ideal

You notice both strong and weak side of your partner. You are aware than you stronger than him or her, and that on the contrary, you can do worse. You can joke about that and you get the feeling of "pedestal" or out of reach on how he or she cool and all. Thoughts like "He(a) so(th) wonderful(th)! And here I am! I'm just a nobody" — I do not visit you. Rather, you think something like "how cool is it that he(a) drives a cool car, and I know how to plan a trip". Or, "well, actually, I also studied for a long time to argue your boss". You rejoice his or her success and do not feel envy. Well, maybe if only a little.

 

8. The rules that you come up with for your relationship to work both sides

If in your relationship there is a strong imbalance of power and privilege, what works for one, the same thing should work for the other / other. If your partner or partner wants to spend one week a year alone overseas, you have to have exactly the same right. Does not occur a situation when he or she can and you not. A situation when this rule formally, in words, have the two of you, but in practice over the past five years you never have used — also occurs. E -if rules are — they work, and work in both directions.

Exceptions, I think there can be if in a relationship there are some significant systemic imbalance of power — for example, different age, gender, class, disability. I think to compensate for this imbalance, it is logical to create different rules, but it's hard for me to write about it, since I have no such experience.

 

9. In these relations there is no permanent control

Neither you nor your partner or partner do not need to constantly be aware of where, what, and when does the second/second. You feel calm when you don't know exactly with whom, where and what makes your partner. In response to the question "how was your day?" can you tell me about the news as much as you want, and can do nothing to tell. Your level of anxiety does not rise, if you can't him/her to call or if your SMS is not replied immediately.

 

10. A healthy relationship is a flexible relationship

Not in an abusive relationship there is space for movement, no stiffness. There is a certain area within which your relationship can change, adapting to the local situation so that it was convenient for you two. Now if you are doing an important project and very busy — you can start to see a little less or you can help by taking on your part of homework. Such changes and adjustments do not lead to the destruction of relationships and the danger of a rupture.

 

11. You are not afraid of the termination of these relationships

Yes. First, it means that your relationship is stable. The air hangs constantly question "together?" or threat "suddenly we quarrel and break up!" In the air peace and stability.

Secondly, do you have the feeling that the breakup would mean death, tragedy, the end of the world. Yes, the breakup is likely to bring you sorrow, sadness, loss. Perhaps some crisis, some depression, a displacement of the senses — but not a threat to your life and emotional health. You know that separation is possible and this does not scare you, because it is not fatal. This doesn't ruin anyone's life.

 

12. In relationships there is constant pain and emotional exhaustion

In other words, this is a relationship that you do not destroy. You may feel some painful injections or some roughness in different periods — but it's definitely not a permanent background on which your relationship is developing. These relationships do not destroy your personality, your body and emotion. On the contrary. This is the relationship through which it becomes more interesting to live even in our unhappy Patriarchal and homophobic reality — because they enrich you.

 

13. You are thinking about this relationship 24 hours a day

This relationship is relatively quiet. They are just there and you are satisfied. So you have no need to think about them constantly. In General, they don't disturb you. Outside of such relationships often seem strange or boring.





14. In this relationship, you are mostly preoccupied with themselves, satisfy their needs and interests

You do what you like and however you like along with a person that you like. You can provide support and care to provide specific help if you asked about it and if it doesn't damage you.

But you don't decide for a partner or partner his/her problems and not take for him or her. You do not write a thesis. Not helping her deal with her mother. Do not earn money for his genius designs. Not help her career. Do you do your life and give the second person the freedom to practice their.

 

15. Within these relationships you have the space for yourself

No matter how good, inspiring, intimate and wonderful your relationship with your partner or partner — you have a time and a place to stay only with yourself and deal with them, their projects, their body, ideas.

 

Also interesting: abusive relationship

How do we choose a life partner

 

In short, healthy and non-violent relationship is a relationship in which you feel GOOD, COMFORTABLE, NICE and LIKE. In which you feel the contact with yourself and with your body.

In such a relationship rather calm and comfortable to be in. I know it sounds very corny, like any tautology. But since our society is not healthy and almost completely consists of models of co-dependent relationships, to experience a healthy relationship is hard enough. About how to go to conquer Kilimanjaro. That is, it is quite feasible event, which, however, requires thorough preparation, cash and temporary investments, development of special skills. Main skills — play to stop violence against yourself and others.published

 



Source: m-i-k-a-e-l-a.livejournal.com/46754.html