63 minutes – exactly so much time passes in Russia from the emergence of one of the victims of family violence to the other. About 14 thousand women die every year at the hands of their husbands. How many more potential victims exposed to violence – are impossible to count, turn to us for help not all. With a request to share a story about whether to deal with aggression and to keep the family together after domestic violence, I turned to users of social networks. Without much hope to find some people to talk to.
If a man raised his hand, it is not "correct"
Irina Arskaya, the volunteer helping victims of domestic violence in Ufa, immediately warned that no repentant or they are negligible. "During my two-year practice can't remember any case where abuser could be fixed, and where it would have cost to fix abuser," admitted Irina.
"A favorable outcome is possible if the woman herself is well versed in psychological violence (not how to apply, and how to notice and stop) and correct her man. But if there has been physical abuse, alas, man will not fix it. Therefore, the help the woman needs to be dual: to learn to notice psychological abuse and help to get away from men who allow themselves to beat their wives.Better no family than bad enough.
The probability of a good outcome depends on the degree of neglect. Spoiled power over the victim abuser will not abandon her, and abuser, which only began to enjoy the manipulations, yet can be a worthy husband and father, if you want to change.
Unfortunately, women are not sounding the alarm when they notice that they are being manipulated, even when they inflict a beating, so during my practice I have met only those whom we helped as painless as possible to get away from men.
Now enough psychological education among women to enable them to see and prevent the beginning of abuse over them and stabilize the situation. So the only way out is to convey to women, abuse and how it ends, if not stop. When women become more educated and then begin to appear cases where abuser you can stop, but not now.""I do not beat my wife"
However, one letter from a man who regretted the violence in his family, I still got it. He chose to remain anonymous. He was ashamed of."Before, does not allow this, but after he was born oldest – broke. Hit the wife in the car. Drove son to the hospital, word for word, on the nerves of it, I was psyched. Did not hit with full force, but didn't left a bruise. Of course, he apologized later. Asked forgiveness, but what to do next, I don't know. I don't beat my wife, but the relationship broke down"."My children remember this nightmare"
Not to disclose the name asked not only the man who had hit his wife. To remain anonymous wished the woman, which is domestic violence encountered more than once. For a different reason. For two years Tatiana (Approx. ed. – name changed for security) hiding in the shelter "Kitezh" at the metochion of the Novospassky monastery. Tatyana – mother of many children. One of her children is still in the hospital.
In the orphanage I came to the day of the Christmas tree for children. In front of the shelter is a Playground. In the yard there are strollers, bicycles, scooters. If you do not know who lives in this house, you would think that in front of me – a private kindergarten. But even the "tree" here is unusual. Santa Claus somehow, in the Cossack suit. It is a real hat. Maiden – with a little helper, elf.
"Have the gifts waiting at home, give the boy his gift", says the maiden of the son of the elf. Obviously, the volunteers. The children here had seen terrible scenes and a little afraid of unknown adults. Younger hiding behind mom. Older people are a bit wary.
I asked Tatiana why she helped only here. Why not help the police?
"The police, of course, came, and her husband was taken away, but after four hours, the men released, and where do they go? I wrote the statement, took a beating, but it didn't help. When I called the police, I was told “it's your family apart. When he will kill you – write the statement”. My ex-husband even deprived of their parental rights. Social security says “he also has the right to education of children,” but he hit everyone. Periodically, he's looking for us, writes statements to the search.
We broke after her husband for three days locked us in the basement. The youngest daughter was three months, my cell is dead. Saved my friends. Worried. Come girlfriends with their husbands. My husband got scared a large number of people. We took the most necessary things and came out of the house to the apartment, but the husband brought his “support group” of friends.We broke down doors, broke the furniture. The night we Packed up and fled to Moscow.
At first, I quickly found work, but because of the crisis lost. There was nothing to pay the rent. I have my own house, but to live there is dangerous, and furniture are no longer there. Her ex-husband took everything, down to the toilet!
My older children from my first marriage. In the case of the youngest – on the alimony to submit scary, older just don't get. I wrote a complaint to the office of Pavel Astakhov (Commissioner under the RF President on the rights of the child – approx. ed). He came, and then all tried to solve our problems, but he had only to leave, all became as before. To go somewhere for help is useless.
Of course, there are times when women don't care about kids, with them sitting father. I know such a family. But care needs to understand, needs to see who and what came. The inspector should be training. In the case when we were denied the alimony – the husband-the businessman just paid a bribe. The court sounded a false statement. Now he's periodically to help. To contact the lawyers I can't, they ask a lot of money. I find it easier to give up and be children. Yes, and they said “either sue him, or work”.
Here, we help with clothing and food. And only here, not separated from children. In other centers I offered to give the children in the orphanage. Not even denied “on such as your youngest we have a large demand from adoptive parents.” Of course, this is unacceptable for a mother! In some centers only accept infants up to three months, and where to go next? Other places require Moscow or the Moscow region registration.
Many entrepreneurs do not help in such centers, because they do not know that if you sponsor – you can get a discount on taxes. I'm not one of those who live only by begging and “give money”, I work and cope, but sometimes need help. Custody residence also offers to give me children, no other help there.Domestic violence always happens “one on one”. There are no witnesses.
In my experience such people are always very kind to others, try to serve, to help. It all starts gradually. A lot of time is spent on understanding how someone you loved could turn into a monster? Maybe it's a coincidence? Bad dream? But the coincidence is repeated. I joined not even a sense of self-preservation – fear for the children. When the conflict began to involve the children, it was scary.
Younger children still not recovered, I thought, they don't remember anything, but now I see that I remember everything. They could not understand what is happening, but the situation felt. My children remember this nightmare.""We need to fight for the integrity of the family"
Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko divorce if in a family there are conflicts, urges not to hurry:
– Domestic violence is always a tragedy. It is unacceptable when a man allows himself to hit a woman, it indicates his moral degradation. An honourable man will never allow himself such. To commit violence can only plebeian in spirit.
Choosing a husband, a woman must carefully watch who will be the companion of her life. The first rude mistake that girls desire to get married as soon as possible, for anyone. Experienced Confessors will be advised to continue the acquaintance for about a year. Not weeks, or months, and approximately how much time you need to make each other feel good. Relationship of course must be clean. Few know that the word "bride" comes from the concept of "do not know". It is also important to obtain the blessing of their parents. Often these simple requirements are violated, people come into family life with a significant burden of sins and mistakes.
If a woman has received a negative skill behavior, it would be difficult to feel as loved one. Then the wife can start acting provocative.
Man power is limited if it relies on itself. And turning to the Lord, we can receive power that is not limited. Therefore, to fight for the integrity of the family is possible and necessary! We can't leave the fight in the beginning. The struggle must be constructive, don't be a target, but you need to look for constructive solutions to get out of the tragic situation.
The first task of the priest, when a person comes to the temple to listen to him. To understand is to accept everything. The victim of domestic violence need sympathy, but on one the sympathy does not go far! The Orthodox approach, at first glance, seems paradoxical. Even though you are a victim, even though you are unjustly wronged, even though you deserve sympathy, but you have to see our own sins and mistakes. After all, we are all sinners before God, and, therefore, need to repent before Him.How to act wisely?
Sometimes, a husband getting handsy because he's experiencing failure in life. Ask yourself, "I listened to him?". If he had felt that he was understood? We do not know how to listen to each other, it is a fact. Family is very important to give the person to talk to. Why do people say so long in the Church? No one listens really. This is the real trouble. Sometimes people are very lonely in the family.
Imagine a situation: a young wife sits home with the baby, waiting for her husband. He's been delayed once again. Finally, comes home late and hears, "Well, what? I suppose, once with buddies drinking beer?". And this time, the husband hastened home to his family, but he was detained by the chief. Of course, on offense, he will answer: "let's go now friends!", slam the door and leave. The wife is left alone to swallow my tears and ask why no one loves her and does not understand. And he rushed home, but the chief was not a production issue.
If the wife said, "Honey, why are you late? I've been waiting for you", he would look at her with love shining in his eyes, and they rushed each other on the neck. And so it will go to cronies, and they very well could be, he will feel that he get well, return home and begin a wife to 'educate'.
Of course, everyone will say "poor poor woman", the husband dares not to dissolve the hands, but if you look deeper, it turns out that wine wife too. The victim is very often provokes aggression in relation to itself.
There are many situations over which a family need prayer to think hard and ask, "Lord, umudi!".
In the book "Father Arseny" is the story "a Kind word, or a story about a good stepmother". His character talks about his wonderful stepmother. The girl's father once or twice a year got drunk and came home drunk friends. Here's stepdaughter was waiting, how her stepmother would react when it happens. When the moment came, the stepmother launched drunk friends wife and kicked the door, but her husband beat the first that came to hand. Since then this never happened. The Christian life is creativity.
No universal advice, situation and family is different, but we must look for their minor unintentional sins and try to save the family.
The tragedy in Nizhny Novgorod could have prevented the law about domestic violence
The Center for violence prevention violence engaged in for 23 years. It is the oldest women's support centre, which hit.
According to the Deputy Director of the centre, applications recently has increased, but nothing wrong with that he sees. Often call – not because often beaten.
"Now there are some changes in the minds of women themselves. You receive enough media stories about domestic violence. The problem has become more visible. Thanks largely to women who are not silent. Complaints to the hotline in recent years, more and more. I don't think it shows the deterioration of the situation. On the contrary: women have become better aware of their rights and understand that violence is not normal.
However, while the law on domestic violence is not accepted – legally-victims of domestic violence are not protected. If they are outside the apartment, and the police are turning to neighbors, the violence can still be qualified as "Hooliganism", if the action takes place at home, the police simply cannot do anything except to take the aggressor on preventive conversation. Therefore, Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov, from a legal point of view, not right in arguing that violence can be divided into family and non-family.
If you hit a stranger on the street, you will see it in the worst case to court. Husband, even the former will know where the woman lives, and continue to chase her. I know cases where, being in a new marriage, the man continued to lie in wait for his ex-wife. In addition, now the victim may simply take the statement. Once the statement wanted to pick up a woman, which a man cut off his toes in front of the children. In the hospital she thought again, but now with two children forced to rent a room. While the husband lives in their apartment.
The monstrous thing in Nizhny Novgorod, where the father killed his wife and six children, could not happen, if the concept of "family violence" existed in the legislation. Then when the first time man was able to force the visit of the psychological group and would have revealed his problem.If the government could indict the person who committed the act of violence, would rule out the fact of pressure on the victim. From it would have nothing depended.
One highlight of a person prone to violence is a strategy of isolation. "Don't talk with this friend", "what you so often with my mom on the phone talking?". So the aggressor deprives the victim of a "support group". The prohibitions on communication with the outside world is very dangerous. Violence no matter what makes the injured party, the reason is always there.
Sometimes the term "domestic violence" abuse. It is important to understand that violence is where there is power and fear. In the evening if the couple puts each other bruises in the morning put up, and no one is afraid of – it's their way of life."
Conflict is not violence
Coordinator of the national helpline for women victims of domestic violence, the legislature of the term "domestic violence" also waiting with great impatience, urging to separate the terms "violence" and "conflict":
"Family violence and conflict in the family is different. In any family will quarrel. In the case of quarrels, the husband and wife on an equal footing to solve some questions, not always quiet way, but the people are the subject of the dispute, decided to settle the conflict. In addition, the conflict is usually no attempt to show a domineering attitude. Violence is, first and foremost, an attempt to establish control. Humiliation, insults, beatings – just a tool for this purpose.
Violence has phases and the cycle, when the family tension builds up, then comes discharge and then comes the so-called "honeymoon". Gradually the "honeymoon" is reduced, and the discharge periods are getting longer. Often that's when the woman understands that it is necessary to seek help. Cases after the first case of violence not so much – from 10 to 12%.The person that hit once is not always the offender that will systematically beat, but it's something to consider, consult and take action.
Sometimes from the first slap to the beating it may take five years. Or beating will not happen at all.
The work of the psychologist with conflict and violence should be totally different. The main rule – a witness talk should not be a third person, especially the aggressor. It can be for women simply dangerous. As a woman it is advised to change the strategy of behavior, since it is unknown how it will react to her abuser.
Now women are more informed about their rights, that violence is not normal. But until the law on domestic violence does not appear and groups where domestic tyrants will learn to control aggression. The important role played by media in shaping public opinion.
Men on the "hotline" call, too, but references "I hit my wife" – very few. Not to mention the fact that even then the man, knowing to beat his wife – it is bad, looking for reasons in her behavior. Sometimes calling in a third person, which tell of the friends of the family. They relate well to the man and suddenly it turns out that he beats his wife. In such situations people often do not know what to do."
From the asylum "Kitezh" I left in the evening. Strolled on the territory of the monastery Novospassky monastery. It was so quiet and peaceful... an employee of the center told me that a pregnant Julia, about which the husband extinguished cigarettes, there even grew a stomach. Became finally visible at the seventh month. It came to visit mom. Happy "I can see you're expecting a baby."
Julia here – not at home. For "domestic violence" her husband cannot yet be punished to the fullest extent of the law, because there is no such law. But, if you do not leave the monastery, she was safe. published
Author: Anna Utkina
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