Things that are Impossible to forgive

"Call Of Sacrifice"

Let's agree at once – the responsibility for violence lies with the one who commits it. It is a personal responsibility. She was not one to share. But in a scenario of domestic violence involved both "the rapist" – the one who commits the violence and "victim" – someone to whom violence is committed. And they both make this scenario possible.

For me, this topic was painful for many years. 17 years ago I survived the act of violence and could not understand how this could happen. I have experience myself as a victim, I know from the inside how this script works and can rely not only on their professional experience, but also on their own experiences.

It is important to understand that we are talking about domestic violence, not about the attack on you from the corner. We talk about relationships, the emotional or (and) physical abuse. First and foremost is a relationship between two adults – a man and a woman, husband and wife.

The vast majority of a person committing physical violence, is a man. The woman gets the Victim role in this process.

How these two find each other – you ask? On the first experience. If a man is aggressive, and the woman does not go away after the first second or third incident, and stays with him, then this woman is in a relationship possible. Not desirable - no, not cool, not cool, not good, but possible.

Some women may scream, but physical violence with them is impossible. Someone you can scream and even beat. Someone makes all kinds of abuse and sexual including. A marker is the fact that a woman is not going away.

How does the scenario of family violence?

Psychologists describe it as a vicious cycle consisting of three phases:

1 phase. A voltage increase.

2 phase. Episode of violence.

3 phase. Honeymoon.

In the first phase, the spouses experience a voltage increase. There are the first harbingers of what soon it will happen. Husband accidentally hurts the wife so that she may fall. Or something takes her hand that she left bruises. The atmosphere in the house becomes unbearable. Enough one spark to cause an explosion.

The second phase – the actual episode of violence. It can last from a few seconds (one hit) to several days. The deeper the shattered personality of the man, the longer the episode of violence. In this phase, to stop the violence can only be a rapist. If a woman gets to this stage of the cycle, its task – to hide, to protect children and to do everything to minimize the damage to your body. Rehabilitation centers women are taught to adopt a posture in which will best secure the internal organs. This stage ends when the man himself stops. In the first case, he may just be scared of his outburst of aggression and brought them to damage, and in extreme cases, when violence lasts for several days, the man stops when exhaled.

The third phase called "Honeymoon". Phase begins "zamylivanie sins", asking forgiveness and "bearing gifts". If gifts are accepted, the cycle of violence went to a new level.

To stop this machine of death only in two places:

In the first stage, when there is a voltage increase and the second, immediately after an episode of violence during the first three days after it.

After an episode of violence, the man feels shame and guilt for what happened but he is trying to minimize the damage and to shift the responsibility on the victim, almost that she beat her with his hands. "Not standing there, not doing, not looked at, not answered." All this he does to the guilt and the shame flooded it. The man is ready to atone for sins and to destroy the traces of crime ( to repair broken doors and furniture, to pay to his wife plastic surgery and a stay in the sanatorium, buy fur coats and rings), to cry and beg forgiveness, but... he is not ready to recognize the damage caused by it.He refuses to the end to believe and accept that he did it. To recognize the fact caused another person harm. To admit the whole volume of this damage. To take responsibility for negabout.

Real change begins with recognition of damage.

According to the man: "I see what I did with you, with your body. I admit that it is only my responsibility. You touched my body, I hurt your body. Will you be able to live with me?"

There are things impossible to forgive. Even after this honest conversation and acknowledgement of male responsibility, people can leave. It's a woman's choice if she could forgive the damage, on the one hand, and willing to take risks, continuing to stay in this relationship.

It is important to understand that neither gifts nor pay doctors or restoring broken furniture – are not compensated for damages. Man is obliged to restore the broken and to pay for the treatment. It is his responsibility. But if the woman is ready to accept gifts (flowers, rings, fur coats, trips) so she agreed to continue. Over time, the "advanced players" there's even an unofficial price list of damages. Black eye – the money for a new platishko, a broken arm is a gold bracelet.

Sex after an episode of violence is also a sign of the woman: "You are forgiven. Everything that happens is fine with me."

If the cycle of violence moved into the phase of "honeymoon", if the "donations accepted", then the circle is closed and the cycle went into a new phase.

The second moment when you can stop the cycle of family violence, is the phase voltage. There are couples who learn to play off the tension, always remaining within the framework of emotional abuse. In essence, then the cycle just stalled. Tension and aggression are not unconsciously communicated to such force that the explosion occurred. Often, the man directed the full force of his aggression on the child. And then the child, not the wife becomes the object for physical violence.

Aggression towards the child from the father is always the aggression of a man to his wife.From the women to deploy the fire itself is already a big step to pull the child from the relations of two adults in my relationship with my husband. Preschoolers and younger students feel when the tension in the family going through the roof, and become a kind of lightning rod. Taking the hit, they return to the family peace and quiet. So the child serves the interests of adults, it becomes a lightning rod for male aggression towards women. The man does not dare to present all this to his wife and finds a scapegoat, someone to blame, always and everywhere.

The role of the victim in the cycle of violence is really important. There is a contribution of the victim to the fact that this cycle was started and in that it is repeated again and again. The first contribution – the victim simply does not go away, it stays. Thus saying "I do". The second contribution, she receives the gifts and gives sex, demonstrating his grace and forgiveness.

The most important thing that makes a woman beside her man. What makes him a rapist and her victim. As this conversion takes place?The sight of the victim. It is a magical sight. He felt on his skin, caught unconsciously, they can't even see. Just enough to see. To see this man a rapist. The beast, the murderer. Someone who is evil.

You happened to go through a pack of dogs? You go, and on your way lie, walk, obnubilate several possible malevolent dogs. If you have had experience, when dogs attack you, and mom insisted that the dogs should be afraid of: "they bite", you are likely backwards, backwards...and go find another path, if you dare still to go, the dog really can grisanti. If you have no experience, the dogs did not attack you, have never been bitten, and as a child you were the best friend is a huge German shepherd, you will pass quietly through the flock, and the dog will not pay attention to you. There is a rule: "Dogs attack those who are afraid of them." To those who sees them as beasts, ready to attack. And this vision somehow magically works for animals, becoming their call to action.

In the case of relations between people working the same mechanism.The woman was a childhood experience with physical violence, it is easy to see the rapist in someone else and automatically get into the victim's condition.

In psychology, there is described such a mechanism as a projection. This is when we see in someone else the qualities that exist only in our head, we see a man, based on our life experience, and it is our vision to be projected on the other person. And then comes an amazing phenomenon. In the other person begins to revive that part of his personality, which is close to our projection. If a woman projects onto the man a rapist, villain, scoundrel and murderer, she tries to Wake him as a beast. If a man has an animal part is strong (it is strong in those who experienced violence in childhood, this article, etc.), he will experience an overwhelming desire to justify women's expectations. Aggression levels will rise incredibly and overboard. Once the beast wakes up, and the victim will get his. The more damaged the personality of the man, the more he himself had to endure, the harder it is to control your impulses and aggression rising to the "call victim". The longer the episode of violence that happens when the roof had still pluck.

If the man had a peaceful childhood, no one was beaten, the food was not raped hard medical procedures with him did not commit – he did not have time to grow into himself the beast, he, too, experiencing the power female projection, will feel an irresistible desire to strangle this poor creature beside him. And even if he will not stand, and an incident of violence happens, man this will scare and force to strengthen control of himself and to look for other ways to relieve the tension. He may begin to find fault with the child, to see the enemy at work, with someone constantly to fight and fight, or on a debt to disappear to the gym to do everything but not to direct the full force of his aggression to his wife. Staying together and caring for each other a lot of aggression that cannot be present without physical violence, can be a lifetime to stay in the area of emotional abuse, turning his life into hell.

When a couple decides to change, then the first thing you learn psychologists wife, that is not projected on the husband of the beast, not to see him as a rapist. To communicate with him like a normal person. It's complicated, but produces a magical effect.

In the period of rise of voltage and precursors to see what's going on. Again, communicating with my husband like a normal person, saying, "I see what's happening. We've been through. Here is the trace. I hope you notice it too." This allows you to make what is happening clear, understandable both to define the boundaries. This approach allows you to remain in the first phase, not turning to the second.

But there is another side of the coin. Accustomed to certain cycles of your life, getting the drive and excitement from the family storms, missing the sweets of reconciliation, the pair, turning to the ordinary human relationship between two people, may lose all interest in each other. If this happens in the beginning of family life, these two may leave because they get bored with each other. From the relationship goes the drive, the violence, the swearing, the tears, the husband no longer is fixing the taps to atone for not giving flowers and gifts, and all – boring. If the pair recovers, when it very much lived together, have children, joint business, and associates too much, people can stay with each other, but go in the format of partnerships. To be close, but not together, solving common family business, to live our lives.

There is a third option, when couples increasingly live within emotional abuse, recovery could cause the upgrade in relations, to improve, to seek out new ways to interact, to greater closeness, understanding and accepting each other.

But another result of the recovery of relations may be something that the couple will decide to honestly leave each other alone and get a divorce. published

Author: Irina Dubova

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©



See also

New and interesting