"Never offensive women, and patient men»

Kitchen. Evening. He and she are trying to cook dinner.

– You that here arms spread out, like a fool! Depart!.. Fetch!…Give!..
– Yes, now we see I'm busy... I'll be in, will.

One gets the feeling that his words don't hurt her. No, she is not restrained, so as not to hit him on the head. And does not swallow rushed to her throat with tears. She is calm, calm as a deaf-mute, on which the rear vehicle is moving. She can't hear. Can't hear anything in his words that could hurt her feelings. All that happens is the usual case. He did not break down doors, not thrown at her with a knife, not threatening to strangle children. So, everything is fine. It's a common life.

Nineteen million seven hundred forty seven thousand sixty nine

In this pair of tolerance to emotional violence is quite high. A woman that "prefers not to hear" the insults of her husband, she doesn't really hear them, do not perceive them as something out of the ordinary. The level that she can tolerate, without noticing, was very high. She can't hear the attacks of the husband to the children of his hiss towards the younger, "assaults" towards the chief. Junior still offended, his eyes betrayed no - no and will flash the tears, and the elder already gave up and accepted the "love-hate" father for the truth of life – something he will have to live and that he does not change.

But this woman, there is a limit to how far she is willing to endure the carping husband. That moment when he rushes on older or starts to yell at the younger – at a time when the emotional abuse is getting physical. Then she like a wild cat protecting cubs, turns his anger towards her husband and puts him in his place. All discharge occurred, the explosion occurred. The family is still shaking from the incident for a while, but soon everything is back to normal, and starts a new cycle of family violence.

The cycle of family violence:

  • the buildup of tension – discharge, explosion (beating in the case of physical violence) — "honeymoon" ( atonement, acceptance of gifts) – the voltage increase, etc.

The most important thing is to understand both the man and the woman know what was going on. This cycle is known both.

Between them there is a certain unspoken, "not said the arrangement" – I'm ready(and) to endure from you and in return for that.

The contract is known to both, although it was never said.

"I'm willing to tolerate your drunkenness, your attacks on children, your grumbling at me, your disdain and aggression, your earnings penny in return that you stay close to me, sometimes care about me, and while you're doing repairs in the house.»

Eighty million three hundred seventy five thousand seventy four

My husband is the same he is willing to endure in exchange for compensation.

"I am willing to endure your coldness and contempt in return that can live in your house, eat well, sometimes to have sex with you and feel protection from the outside world and the stability of knowing that I have you, and have a family.»

The contract runs until both comply with the agreement, and while the voltage level is not getting up and tearing the cover.

When one of them have no more forces to keep such a huge amount of aggression inside, the cover will break. And at this point can happen the transition to physical violence.

There are couples who for years and decades don't pass to physical violence, raping each other, only emotionally. People learn to skillfully avoid sharp angles and to escape from the contact at the right time, thereby avoiding explosions of aggression.

In families living in conditions of physical and emotional abuse, often become a lightning rod for kids. They, sensing the approaching storm, take the hit, discharging the situation before the aggression level will reach the maximum.

Life in terms of physical and emotional abuse becomes for the child a familiar environment in which he eventually begins to feel like a fish in water. He knows all the laws, he learned to survive in this hostile environment. And once he learned to survive in this environment they perceived to be absolutely safe. The pain and bitterness that a couple of decades, as an adult, he's only such an environment will perceive safe and native.

Choosing a partner for life, grown-up girl unconsciously find someone who will help her to live in a familiar childhood scenario, that's the kind of man she will accept as the most secure for yourself. And the one who will not be able to provide her with the usual scenario of using emotional and\or physical violence, she considers strange, alien, incomprehensible and very unsafe. "He was acting weird. Was very gentle, bought flowers, began to give gifts and called married. It freaked me out. I said no and broke up with him.»

The man will be looking for his woman. That which is not of this Opera, will leave after the first episode, and its remains. And will endure for a long time, often a lifetime. Not with him, with others.

This is the question of how we make choices. And sometimes, smelling your man, you need to run in the opposite direction.

At the end of this article, I want to write, what can we as emotional violence. With individuals all more or less clear, but the emotional is often perceived (due to "education" and "family tradition") as the norm of life as "just another love".

Threats, blackmail, accusations, manipulation, styrene and intimidation. Emotional abuse is a way of relations in which this is possible. We all have our personal portrait. If you are in such a relationship for a long time or get them back again and again, somewhere deep inside they you are perceived as optimal. You choose to partner with people with similar personality profile supports this relationship. But this does not mean that today you have no choice.

Being aware of your reactions, your habitual behavior scenarios, you can see how you react in such relations that include how to make a choice in favor of a decision which make a contribution to save the relationship that way.published


Author: Irina Dubova


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: dybova.ru/news/ne-obidchivye-zhenshhiny-i-terpelivye-muzhchiny-tolerantnost-k-emocionalnomu-nasiliyu-vybor-zhertvy/


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