328
No respect
My uncle of most honest rules When not in jest was sick,He got to respect yourself better could not invent..With. Pushkin
Man whatever he is, it is important to respect others and especially loved ones. Virtually any person faced with the disrespect to your address in one form or another. Everyone is looking for the answers to the questions:
In short we can say that respect personality and it's important to work hard on developing themselves as individuals. Behaviors need effective, will lead to your expected results, not unintended consequences. But the main thing – understanding of their personal boundaries and ability to protect them. Are respected not for the chest, arms, legs, purse. Respect boundaries. The boundaries are clear – there is respect. No boundaries – no respect.
The obvious conclusion: if you want respect – put and defend their borders.
From a psychological point of view, setting boundaries is a technology!
In the techniques of setting and protecting personal boundaries there are four mandatory item. And if even one link you missed the effect may be totally different. As in any recipe. You get scrambled eggs, if you take eggs, milk and salt. Without eggs – salty milk, no milk, no eggs, no salt, maybe an omelet, only there is not want to. And with the protection of the border.
So one girl "defended" "his border," and now her boyfriend if it is not overwritten in social networks — just began to live separately. But the gap with the person you love hardly made her happier.
Let us examine the examples ofhow to place the boundaries so that the relationship became better. This technique is suitable only in interpersonal relationships where there is constant interaction (parents, spouses, children and other relatives, friends, colleagues, partners hobby or business).
Follow the rules of setting boundaries:
1. The border set in the presence of communication
To show your partner the border only in the period when you have intercourse. If the partner is ignoring you, it's impossible for him to put the border – he's out of communication. Fail to put the border and during the quarrel or showdown. The adequacy of perception of a situation is clouding the anger and mutual resentment. Trying to declare the border will only aggravate the situation.
Keep the conversation about your boundaries on the basis of love to the partner. Make sure it is to communicate or even to ask: "I'm going to tell you something important for me to listen and not interrupt"
2. Border put in its territory
It is impossible to establish rules on foreign territory or give advice to another person to do. You cannot forbid a person to drink, to swear, to go into debt. This is his territory. He's a grown man, responsible for his behavior and has every right to do whatever he pleases.
"He was yelling and swearing, and I hit him in the face" is not to protect the borders! This violence! His face – his territory.
"She bought a fur coat on credit. I ripped the coat to shreds!" This violence! Coat – her territory.
"He was drunk, I didn't let him home" Is violence. If the house is General, not your personally, he has the right to come to your home in any condition.
You can
3. I-message
This General rule applies not only to methods of setting boundaries. In any interpersonal communication is vital to talk about themselves, their feelings and needs.
That's right: "When you don't tell me sweet words, I get upset and think you don't love me"
4. One border one conversation
For once establish just a border. You can not dump on the person a bucket of frogs and wait for compliance. He and about a border can forget in a few hours/weeks/ months "to go on the usual rails" relations. So negotiate each item sequentially. Said, tracked compliance, if necessary – to defend their territory. The following point.
5. The border pose specific action or words
It is impossible to demand from partner "more love, care, attention and respect." People, most likely, is convinced that he loves and respects you, shows you care, gives you his attention. Only each of you understand these concepts completely different actions of the partner in the address.
A man came home from work, bringing food and wages to the wife, I am convinced that he loves her (home it came) lots of (money and food brought). A woman is convinced that he is indifferent to it, as came, ate, lay on the couch and stared at the TV. And a good word said!
Define for yourself what you want the person stopped doing towards you.
6. Setting the border, do not enter into bidding
An adverse effect in your address should be stopped, whether you do something for this or not. So the lady asks her husband not to bring and not to drink alcoholic beverages at home, and her husband says that he will do so if she will not talk to call home. This method to create the agreement has the right to life, but it's NOT the border!
Write down the recipe "How to cook-respect"
I. DEMARCATION (marking, a Declaration of boundaries)
"Kolya, my bright Falcon!" – in a relationship, turn to the partner calmly, gently, like I normally would.
"When you're drunk and demand sex (call me a silly woman, say that I'm a bad owner), I'm angry" – the border put specific expression, talking about their feelings.
"Because I don't want to fight with you and be mad at you, I ask you, when you get drunk and sleep in one room on the couch (more so me not to call, not to tell me)" – the border is to improve relations.
So you do not require him to stop drinking – he's an adult, entitled to drink and get drunk. You can't forbid him to come home drunk, if the home is common. Of course, if he has his own house, and you have your – you have the right to protect the border: don't come, don't call me when you're drunk.
The border is not a way to punish the partner
The purpose of setting boundaries is to improve relations! Unfortunately, I am often confronted with the fact that people come to me after other psychologists.
"I spent two years engaged with a psychologist. He taught me to set boundaries. As a result, I pulled away, relations have been cold. Husband got himself a mistress. Help to keep the family together"
"I spent three months attending psychologist. A psychologist once warned that my new wife doesn't like it. I set the boundaries. It was like a bucket of cold water. We are now on the verge of divorce. Help to keep the family together"
"I gave the guy the boundaries. He left. Help return", etc. all stories and I cannot tell you.
My dear! Stay in the mind. Defending its borders, save love to the partner.
II. PROTECTION
By choosing the way of protecting the boundaries, report it. It is obvious that no matter how much talk about the border if we can't protect them – intervention inevitable. Look at the example of Syria. But the Russian border no one can break. There are anti-aircraft missile system "Triumph" s-400, border troops, etc. And you need your SAM or, at worst, "the rifle and the dog."
In relationships there is always some quality of life, which you provide to your partner and he is nowhere or another way can't get. For example, for many women the current status of a married woman, so the man can deprive it of this status, filing for divorce. For men it can be the warm atmosphere of a cozy home where he can relax and rest. So, before you begin talking about boundaries, ask yourself the question: what do I give my partner that he lives with me (communicates)?
In practice, it often happens that people do not understand, why, why and why living with him is his partner. This suggests that relations there. For example a woman complains about a wife, said that she was with him bad. Standard dialog:
Psychologist: how is it with you?
Client: the answer is no.
Psychologist: What needs does your spouse satisfy you, being yet present with you in the marriage?
Client: and again silence... and Then it begins: I it cook, the apartment clean...
Psychologist: And? If you fail to prepare, how he will react.
Client: make it Yourself!
Psychologist: don't keep it clean?
Client: will not Even notice!
Psychologist: What does he get in communication with you that every day from work to come home?
Client: I don't know...
So the border you will not put. You have a functional interaction: the wife performs household functions, and the spouse of funding. For my money a man can "buy yourself another life-support system", and a woman to create comfort in the house of another person, or in his (without men). Interpersonal communication no. First you need to find value in the relationship of both partners.
So one lady that her husband started to give money for the children got the whole family together at the table. Living in the parents area, she was invited to the conversation and them. The conversation gathered: parents, children and a spouse. And each one present told what amount he needs for a month. It happened the monthly required budget. Her husband remained nothing how to promise regularly that amount to bring home.
Remember that the method of protection of borders is NOT a threat. It is the ability to restrict access to important quality of life for the offender borders (interim sanctions). Not as a way of protecting borders to use what you cannot or you would be disastrous.
Check out: from setting boundaries, YOU should be EASIER!
An example from practice. I was approached for help by a young woman who was left alone in the street without a livelihood with a two-month baby in her arms. Prior to that, she and her husband went to a psychologist, where he agreed that if the husband will violate the border, she will leave his house. They came home and the baby's father decided to "check" not weak if she can go out of the house and, of course, violated the border. So at two o'clock she appeared at the door of his apartment. If you are not ready to leave her husband, no need to manipulate the divorce!
In our example: Galina tells Nicholas that "If you're going to pester me drunk, I'm going to close the room from you" or "If you call me a silly woman, I will stop talking with you", "If you call me a bad hostess, I'm cooking only for themselves and their children".
III. Mutiny on the ship!
Schedule yourself an explosion of emotions from your partner, the more he swears, the better characterized the border. Most likely, at the time when you are in a conversation, declare the border, your partner will say, "sure honey, whatever you say." It can even a day or two or a couple of months to comply with the agreement, but then... it will carry on the habit.
And here is your time to SHOOT! I want you to or not want, it is VERY IMPORTANT sentence to enforce.
So one lady, knowing that her husband's mistress, set him a boundary: "If you will be absent in the evenings, I'll go to a nightclub. I'm sad without you, I'll have fun." A couple of months well husband spent all evening at home. When he decided that the storm had passed, we gathered and left. She called me and said, "the hour is late, I really don't want to go anywhere".
Put the border?
Yes.
Chose this method of protection?
Yes.
SHOOT!
She came and went. Where it was before 6 am — history is silent. But my husband he always spend all his evenings with his wife and children.
Of course, the husband was furious, he swore. But she complied with Paragraph Four.
IV. Open door
It is important at this point to say: Honey, I warned you! I was forced to do so. When you're like this difficult to talk to. Calm down, come, I'm waiting.
Partner calm down and think, I was warned, I was not insulted, humiliated, with me ready to communicate further. And will you build relationships with compliance your boundaries.
A short cheat sheet for those who are willing to give up
The elusive feeling that everything will go like that: Foresight or programming
P. S. I Know will be terrible.
First time to put the boundaries very scary. Scared to ruin the relationship and lose someone. I have great news for You: the relationship will DEFINITELY be better if you correctly put the border. Tool now in your hands – go for it!
I wish you a good setting of boundaries and happy relationships.published
Author: Maria Kudryavtseva
Source: maria-kudryavtseva.ru/%D1%83%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%B6%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B5/
Man whatever he is, it is important to respect others and especially loved ones. Virtually any person faced with the disrespect to your address in one form or another. Everyone is looking for the answers to the questions:
- How to make others respect yourself?
- How to gain respect from loved ones and colleagues?
- How to become a respected person?
In short we can say that respect personality and it's important to work hard on developing themselves as individuals. Behaviors need effective, will lead to your expected results, not unintended consequences. But the main thing – understanding of their personal boundaries and ability to protect them. Are respected not for the chest, arms, legs, purse. Respect boundaries. The boundaries are clear – there is respect. No boundaries – no respect.
The obvious conclusion: if you want respect – put and defend their borders.
From a psychological point of view, setting boundaries is a technology!
In the techniques of setting and protecting personal boundaries there are four mandatory item. And if even one link you missed the effect may be totally different. As in any recipe. You get scrambled eggs, if you take eggs, milk and salt. Without eggs – salty milk, no milk, no eggs, no salt, maybe an omelet, only there is not want to. And with the protection of the border.
So one girl "defended" "his border," and now her boyfriend if it is not overwritten in social networks — just began to live separately. But the gap with the person you love hardly made her happier.
Let us examine the examples ofhow to place the boundaries so that the relationship became better. This technique is suitable only in interpersonal relationships where there is constant interaction (parents, spouses, children and other relatives, friends, colleagues, partners hobby or business).
Follow the rules of setting boundaries:
1. The border set in the presence of communication
To show your partner the border only in the period when you have intercourse. If the partner is ignoring you, it's impossible for him to put the border – he's out of communication. Fail to put the border and during the quarrel or showdown. The adequacy of perception of a situation is clouding the anger and mutual resentment. Trying to declare the border will only aggravate the situation.
Keep the conversation about your boundaries on the basis of love to the partner. Make sure it is to communicate or even to ask: "I'm going to tell you something important for me to listen and not interrupt"
2. Border put in its territory
It is impossible to establish rules on foreign territory or give advice to another person to do. You cannot forbid a person to drink, to swear, to go into debt. This is his territory. He's a grown man, responsible for his behavior and has every right to do whatever he pleases.
"He was yelling and swearing, and I hit him in the face" is not to protect the borders! This violence! His face – his territory.
"She bought a fur coat on credit. I ripped the coat to shreds!" This violence! Coat – her territory.
"He was drunk, I didn't let him home" Is violence. If the house is General, not your personally, he has the right to come to your home in any condition.
You can
- not to communicate (no talking, no sex) with a drunk. Your attention and your body is already your territory and you have the right to not allow a drunk person to use your body or attention.
- not to continue the conversation, if the conversation is not nice to you (obscene language, insults, charges to your address). Whose brain? The ears are whose? – Your! Take responsibility for what gets into your ears and consciousness.
- to make a marriage contract, if your partner takes on the loan obligation without your consent.
3. I-message
This General rule applies not only to methods of setting boundaries. In any interpersonal communication is vital to talk about themselves, their feelings and needs.
- Do not assume, do not decide for another person what he feels or wants.
- Please don't evaluate his words and actions.
- Don't interpret his behavior as offensive to himself.
That's right: "When you don't tell me sweet words, I get upset and think you don't love me"
4. One border one conversation
For once establish just a border. You can not dump on the person a bucket of frogs and wait for compliance. He and about a border can forget in a few hours/weeks/ months "to go on the usual rails" relations. So negotiate each item sequentially. Said, tracked compliance, if necessary – to defend their territory. The following point.
5. The border pose specific action or words
It is impossible to demand from partner "more love, care, attention and respect." People, most likely, is convinced that he loves and respects you, shows you care, gives you his attention. Only each of you understand these concepts completely different actions of the partner in the address.
A man came home from work, bringing food and wages to the wife, I am convinced that he loves her (home it came) lots of (money and food brought). A woman is convinced that he is indifferent to it, as came, ate, lay on the couch and stared at the TV. And a good word said!
Define for yourself what you want the person stopped doing towards you.
6. Setting the border, do not enter into bidding
An adverse effect in your address should be stopped, whether you do something for this or not. So the lady asks her husband not to bring and not to drink alcoholic beverages at home, and her husband says that he will do so if she will not talk to call home. This method to create the agreement has the right to life, but it's NOT the border!
Write down the recipe "How to cook-respect"
I. DEMARCATION (marking, a Declaration of boundaries)
"Kolya, my bright Falcon!" – in a relationship, turn to the partner calmly, gently, like I normally would.
"When you're drunk and demand sex (call me a silly woman, say that I'm a bad owner), I'm angry" – the border put specific expression, talking about their feelings.
"Because I don't want to fight with you and be mad at you, I ask you, when you get drunk and sleep in one room on the couch (more so me not to call, not to tell me)" – the border is to improve relations.
So you do not require him to stop drinking – he's an adult, entitled to drink and get drunk. You can't forbid him to come home drunk, if the home is common. Of course, if he has his own house, and you have your – you have the right to protect the border: don't come, don't call me when you're drunk.
The border is not a way to punish the partner
The purpose of setting boundaries is to improve relations! Unfortunately, I am often confronted with the fact that people come to me after other psychologists.
"I spent two years engaged with a psychologist. He taught me to set boundaries. As a result, I pulled away, relations have been cold. Husband got himself a mistress. Help to keep the family together"
"I spent three months attending psychologist. A psychologist once warned that my new wife doesn't like it. I set the boundaries. It was like a bucket of cold water. We are now on the verge of divorce. Help to keep the family together"
"I gave the guy the boundaries. He left. Help return", etc. all stories and I cannot tell you.
My dear! Stay in the mind. Defending its borders, save love to the partner.
II. PROTECTION
By choosing the way of protecting the boundaries, report it. It is obvious that no matter how much talk about the border if we can't protect them – intervention inevitable. Look at the example of Syria. But the Russian border no one can break. There are anti-aircraft missile system "Triumph" s-400, border troops, etc. And you need your SAM or, at worst, "the rifle and the dog."
In relationships there is always some quality of life, which you provide to your partner and he is nowhere or another way can't get. For example, for many women the current status of a married woman, so the man can deprive it of this status, filing for divorce. For men it can be the warm atmosphere of a cozy home where he can relax and rest. So, before you begin talking about boundaries, ask yourself the question: what do I give my partner that he lives with me (communicates)?
In practice, it often happens that people do not understand, why, why and why living with him is his partner. This suggests that relations there. For example a woman complains about a wife, said that she was with him bad. Standard dialog:
Psychologist: how is it with you?
Client: the answer is no.
Psychologist: What needs does your spouse satisfy you, being yet present with you in the marriage?
Client: and again silence... and Then it begins: I it cook, the apartment clean...
Psychologist: And? If you fail to prepare, how he will react.
Client: make it Yourself!
Psychologist: don't keep it clean?
Client: will not Even notice!
Psychologist: What does he get in communication with you that every day from work to come home?
Client: I don't know...
So the border you will not put. You have a functional interaction: the wife performs household functions, and the spouse of funding. For my money a man can "buy yourself another life-support system", and a woman to create comfort in the house of another person, or in his (without men). Interpersonal communication no. First you need to find value in the relationship of both partners.
So one lady that her husband started to give money for the children got the whole family together at the table. Living in the parents area, she was invited to the conversation and them. The conversation gathered: parents, children and a spouse. And each one present told what amount he needs for a month. It happened the monthly required budget. Her husband remained nothing how to promise regularly that amount to bring home.
Remember that the method of protection of borders is NOT a threat. It is the ability to restrict access to important quality of life for the offender borders (interim sanctions). Not as a way of protecting borders to use what you cannot or you would be disastrous.
Check out: from setting boundaries, YOU should be EASIER!
An example from practice. I was approached for help by a young woman who was left alone in the street without a livelihood with a two-month baby in her arms. Prior to that, she and her husband went to a psychologist, where he agreed that if the husband will violate the border, she will leave his house. They came home and the baby's father decided to "check" not weak if she can go out of the house and, of course, violated the border. So at two o'clock she appeared at the door of his apartment. If you are not ready to leave her husband, no need to manipulate the divorce!
In our example: Galina tells Nicholas that "If you're going to pester me drunk, I'm going to close the room from you" or "If you call me a silly woman, I will stop talking with you", "If you call me a bad hostess, I'm cooking only for themselves and their children".
III. Mutiny on the ship!
Schedule yourself an explosion of emotions from your partner, the more he swears, the better characterized the border. Most likely, at the time when you are in a conversation, declare the border, your partner will say, "sure honey, whatever you say." It can even a day or two or a couple of months to comply with the agreement, but then... it will carry on the habit.
And here is your time to SHOOT! I want you to or not want, it is VERY IMPORTANT sentence to enforce.
So one lady, knowing that her husband's mistress, set him a boundary: "If you will be absent in the evenings, I'll go to a nightclub. I'm sad without you, I'll have fun." A couple of months well husband spent all evening at home. When he decided that the storm had passed, we gathered and left. She called me and said, "the hour is late, I really don't want to go anywhere".
Put the border?
Yes.
Chose this method of protection?
Yes.
SHOOT!
She came and went. Where it was before 6 am — history is silent. But my husband he always spend all his evenings with his wife and children.
Of course, the husband was furious, he swore. But she complied with Paragraph Four.
IV. Open door
It is important at this point to say: Honey, I warned you! I was forced to do so. When you're like this difficult to talk to. Calm down, come, I'm waiting.
Partner calm down and think, I was warned, I was not insulted, humiliated, with me ready to communicate further. And will you build relationships with compliance your boundaries.
A short cheat sheet for those who are willing to give up
The elusive feeling that everything will go like that: Foresight or programming
P. S. I Know will be terrible.
First time to put the boundaries very scary. Scared to ruin the relationship and lose someone. I have great news for You: the relationship will DEFINITELY be better if you correctly put the border. Tool now in your hands – go for it!
I wish you a good setting of boundaries and happy relationships.published
Author: Maria Kudryavtseva
Source: maria-kudryavtseva.ru/%D1%83%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%B6%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B5/
