Communication should be on equal footing

Not so long ago it became clear that the concept of "respect" from many difficulties. Most formulated signs of disrespect in the dialogues correctly.


I will list the basics that you called:

1) comes from above,

2) ignores his wishes,

3) brings into themselves and their opinions, not his,

4) casts doubt and mistrust of his word,

5) underscores the greater the dependence,

6) invades its boundaries.

If all these signs summarize, we find that the contempt is of such appeal to the human, which demonstrates a lower value than his own (he is stupid, weak, dependent, incompetent) and less subjectivity (he doesn't know what he wants, says and feels that are not there).

That is disrespectful is the attitude to man as insignificant object, and respect — respect for the person as a meaningful entity.

Theoretically, it's almost present, but with the practical reflection of immediately difficulties arise.

In practice, many are unable to separate the phrase of disrespect from the phrases of respect, and if you're trying to show respect, begin to humble themselves and still do not Express any respect, even humiliated. Humiliate themselves and others.

To Express to the person respect don't need to grovel! You only have to be in the focus of his subjectivity (the will to decide) and you are equal importance of his existence.

Now, about the humiliation itself

It is important to distinguish it from the trim at the bottom. What's the difference?

The humiliation itself is a senseless self-destruction. You admit their negligible importance for himself, demonstrating a lack of self-defense, offered himself as a subject, with which he can do whatever he wants.

Humiliated people, usually in very poor condition, in a state of helplessness and panic when they have lost support (for example, they want to throw the source of their dependencies). At this point people are so scared that they begin to abandon their integrity and their Ya They would show the second: take me, use me master as a subject, I'll be useful, at least in part, I opened the border, I removed the person I — material for your use, don't cause me pain and evil, don't leave me alone.

That is a humiliation. And features you'll find in any self-deprecating, even in the smallest. To look at it is very unpleasant, and many even offended, when they think about if they are enjoying the humiliation of others. It's insulting.

Adjustment bottom — something else, if this is adjustment, not self-deprecation, which is issued for adjustment. To the bottom, the second person shows his superb significance, authority and his openness to so he was let to come closer as safe and agree. Man does this consciously and controlled, with specific goals and motives, and may terminate at any time. Stickiness in this state, no, remains the centre,the person consciously goes in the lower position, to obtain from another something equal that he does not.

Example, when tuning from below is necessary. For example, you have offended an important person and he has shut you out. Being with them on equal terms and respecting its limits, you just have to accept his will and lag. Max — to ask the question whether you understand that he does not wish to speak? If Yes, you have to go if you want to strictly keep the same position.

But if you feel guilty if the person you care about, you at a time like this can (and often should) approach it from below. Many do not understand and do not track that this is the bottom set, they think that they speak on equal terms. But is it to stay within its borders and to respect closed borders of another. If despite a closed door, you knock and ask to talk, pull the attention that you don't want to give voluntarily, then you already get out of their borders. Out of the boundaries on equal terms is impossible, you can do it from the top (to demand, to insist, to use the rolling pin and tongs) or bottom ( softly, pleading, not showing any aggression).

Remember, I wrote that the dominant type can not get out of their borders for environmentally friendly communication, and submissivly type can? S-type, unlike the D-type has the patterns for adjusting the bottom and bottom eco-friendly entrance into other people's boundaries, whereas the top — no (!), never. From the bottom far too will not come, but there is a reserve territory, which you can claim from your position. You can't be there the owner can't require you to call, but you can gently ask for a visit and if you show yourself comfortable and safe, you let them. And then possibly fall in love, and will themselves invite.

Compare."We need to talk" you say to the person who offended you, and you want to reconcile. This is the sunset from the top. You need and not him, the position he expressed. Some wrote yesterday Onegin, which was closed from Snow white, all sorts of phrases from the top position without noticing it completely. The man closed the borders, with no agreement on communication, so any of your "want", "come", "should" is a requirement and ordered him, ignoring his will. This on top. All for open borders — an appeal on equal terms, with closed borders would be on top, because from his side there is no transaction, it is closed. On peer — to accept it and agree.

To approach a closed border eco-friendly only from the bottom! The bottom is to ask. A request is when you show the person that you know his will, respect it, accept it, but plea-bargain to you, ask for an additional chance.

But no need to go from the bottom to the open borders! This self-effacement.

Many wrote "if I have a chance?". Why so humble? Onegin himself came out, he showed interest, he did not close the borders, though not opened them. You can talk to him properly, to communicate, and not to fall to his knees. Fall on your knees, when you have seriously hurt a very close and dear person. Why falling to his knees in front of all and Sundry, and even to those who are willing to communicate with you? To compare the dose of the care down, it was adequate, appropriate. When is enough just to offer, offer, not ask, and when it is enough to ask, do not beg and humiliate themselves. Why this circus? To look like a doormat, no self-respecting? It is very dangerous for a relationship if you are going to continue.

Why is the request helps to avoid border

If people come to you when you've already given him to understand that the conversation is over, he ignores your will. You tell him "goodbye" and he will "no, wait, answer me." This is the position from the top. He's not the boss to tell you "do as I want not as you want". This will cause you annoyance and aggression (if you are a manipulator, who pretended that he wanted to leave, and he wanted to stay).

But his request you can mitigate and stop. Begging you "please let me say two words" gives you to understand that we respect your desire to leave and admit you are a master of your decisions, see your right, it does not require the top and asks for the desired position from the bottom. From the bottom — it means acknowledging our dependence on you, your need and your rights in this situation. This approach softens any hardened person (except when the request formal, and in fact demand) and forces him to open the border to give the advance trust to the second, to listen to him, to reconsider the attitude to him.

Abuse no requests, no adjustments on the bottom or it becomes clear that you find it easier to apologize than to monitor their actions, it is easier to ask than to do yourself, so you're just a parasite, manipulating the role of the victim and not a normal person who sometimes asks the second support (which he does not give a reason, ideally, people without requests must support each other, but when conflicts do not want). Adjustment bottom — for special occasions when you are not able to settle the conflict and faced with strict boundaries of who you need.

In most cases it is better to agree and lose, than to adapt from the bottom.

But sometimes tuning the bottom to correct his mistake and to advance trust.

But to be humiliated is not necessary ever! In addition to feeling your insignificance, stickiness and the desire to be a vegetable, you do not inform the person. Never mind that the people with the crown and especially the people without a crown, love your humiliation. Nobody likes other people's humiliation. Healthy instinct informs you that before you is a flawed creature, possibly contagious, which is necessary to stay away.

Humiliation may look like the adjust from the bottom only at first, when a normal person, recently strong and adequate, and begins to grovel. But here, you feel the urge to grab it and lift, to give him back his self-respect, support him, because he falls in front of you. You feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, partly ashamed for him and for myself, if you was the motive for his humiliation. If this repeats constantly, and more and more people humiliated, you want to hide from such a being to all the bars. You look at him disgusted, the mood immediately spoils. That's what the humiliation. This loss of integrity and look at it as unpleasant as physical decay.

Slim and proportionate adjustment from below — is another matter. Hard dominant types (and frozen) can love soft submissive types, because with other types, they can not close contact due to their own hard (and frozen) boundaries. They like, when they are soft, correct, to the best compliant, lightweight, flexible. Medium hard man to a very rigid type — too hard. A gentle man — at the time.

Hard dominant types are very common deformation has achieved a lot in a material and social sense people. They are not very sociable, love and friendship they have pumped so themselves, so they are happy when their assistant or spouse — soft sumbissive type.

Look at the big bosses. Nice and pleasant people among them quite a few. But they almost always have loyal assistants that are able to find an approach to them, and which they highly value, because hardly anybody is able to find an approach to them, and they know about the complexities of his character. But this approach is not associated with humiliation! It is associated with exaggerated respect for people and willingness to bend its rigid boundaries, not getting up just that confrontation.

Curious how some people are able to stoop and not to show the other any respect. In fact, they humiliate themselves and others, and expect that they will be grateful that they recognize themselves as nothing. And why should he? It is your crown tells you that it is a great honor to see you at the bottom. In fact — it is a spectacle which makes one turn away. Look at these people, they are humiliated and attacked at the same time. In the comments to the last post were such examples. "I messed up, die from pain, if I have the chance, if not, I will leave, you walk me to my room." did you embarrass yourself and him a challenge threat left, and the order to carry it out. That's the way most people behave. Humiliated, then get angry and attack, accuse, demand, again humiliate himself again attacking the person. The effect of disgust, which you can call thus not double even and cubic.

Beautiful adjustment on the bottom requires self-love. Suffering should not distort your face. You don't have to be bent and broken. A forceps and a reproach, and not a soft approach from the bottom. You must show importance and significance of man, and not itself, to crush, you have to do it without pain and sorrow, and positively, with joy.

Look at that beautiful submissive types. They are always pranksters, they are smiling, they are charming and able to open any. The frowns of darkness in them. Otherwise, instead of beautiful trim from the bottom, they contain only the tongs, from which all dodged.

The joke, however, also should be able to. Inappropriate joke turns into a mockery and the sunset from the top. You can make jokes only on yourself or on something insignificant for man, and not over him and him important things, especially if you are trying to adjust from the bottom to the one offended, or who has somehow shut you out, and you really need to open.

To sum up, the most important thing here is that

1. Communication should be on an equal footing - this is the most beautiful and effective communication. You respect yourself and equally respect a person, your equal, your subjectivity (the right to dispose of them) equal to his. With equal communication initiatives equal and equal people open each other's boundaries equally and do not cross the closed borders.

2. To go from the top is possible only through the wide-open border on the invitation (when you recognize the authority and when things need your guidance).

3. Go left and then when the borders are closed, and you need more close contact for something, but it should be done very gently and keeping self-esteem. When entering from the bottom to avoid stickiness and pressure, otherwise the bottom turns to sunset sunset from the top. And it turns out a cheat, you crawled underneath and immediately climbed a man on the head and began to bend. Anger in this case can be even more than if you openly tried to break in from above.

About submissive approach, that is, the soft approach from below, many wrote Carnegie. He made a real revolution in psychology, when he began to comprehend all these things that for centuries people used unconsciously. Awareness and understanding are very useful, they form the proactivity and the person ceases to be a log, pointless drifting gradually begins to control your behaviour, attitude to life strategically.

To comprehend the approaches necessary to use only consciously, not accidentally use when it is not necessary to use, when necessary, to see when it is used by others and properly react to it.

But with regard to other blocks that you want to pass (in the case of thresholds of neginah or rocks Pechorin), this can only be done from the bottom. Not able bottom, leave the man alone. Can — try, but not lose yourself at the same time, don't turn into your ear and glue.

That is to aniyim threshold approach only two.

1) seeing the threshold, to Express regret and to move and go about their business, to give Onegin to deal with their threshold, but not to hang and wait

2) try gently to pass the threshold from below, showing respect for Onegin and his interest in it (this is the most difficult, as I saw yesterday, plenty of people do horrible, Intrusive and aggressive, and sticky, and almost always from above, not noticing the top of entry).

Well, the main principle of treatment of anagenisi until they're thawed — not to create thresholds. Not to show disrespect in anything, to be correct, doesn't appeal to them from above, never hint at their weaknesses, not to criticize, not to evaluate, not to hurt, not to laugh at them and not push them. When Onegin thawed, he let so close that underlined the respect will cease to be so relevant, but in General will remain quite relevant always. Disrespect leads to default and not only neginah.


Also interesting: the Magic circle within which people invulnerable

Where is the boundary beyond which you have to lie to be polite

It would be possible to send a mess of Onegina to hell, if every second man would not be aniyim type (and women rapunzle). So it is better to learn to be sensitive and be sure to keep your own self-esteem first otherwise it is useless. To feel good about their own and others boundaries is an invaluable skill. Man is a social being and his identity is entirely social education, that is, consists of external and internal connections with other people.published


Author: Marina Komissarova


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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