361
Abusive relationship
Hearing about how charming may be future victimizers, women get upset. They ask – are indistinguishable and in time to avoid a humiliating relationship?
Fortunately, most of the torturers give warning signals before you press on the gas. The detection of such signals should be part of the education of each girl-the teenager.
Here are some signals that can be seen almost immediately:
1. He speaks disrespectfully about former partners
It is understandable that people worry, and he can share with you the pain and bitterness still gaps. But be careful, if it is too focused on this, or tells you at too an early stage of your acquaintance.
Note whether he spoke about previous girlfriends insulting, is himself a victim. Especially heed to the accusations of the former spouse or partner in the false slander about his propensity for violence – the vast majority of cases, these "slander" are completely justified. Looking for a way to hear her version. Even if you don't believe what she says, you will have important information about what his behavior should be expected and feared.
Don't believe when you say that you are fundamentally different from all previous women,that you are the first who treated him well, and that before him no one understood. It makes you particularly try to prove him wrong, and you have one foot in the trap very soon you will hear about yourself "you're just like everyone else!". His system of values ensures that no woman can be good when she's with him.
There are other cases – all previous women were better than you. Here you should not even try to convince him, it's a useless idea.
Note also, whether he accepts at least some responsibility for the breakdown of previous relationships, or believes that it is entirely the fault of a former girlfriend.
2. He is disrespectful to you
Humiliation grows on contempt, as in the topsoil. If he ignores your opinion, is rude to you, especially in front of strangers, interrupts, or makes fun of – all of it is disrespectful. If this happens constantly, and when you try to complain, he defends their ways of speaking, abusive relationship is not far off.
Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, when you put on a pedestal and blow away the dust. The man who does that to you, it's not you, and their fantasies, and once you find that you do not match his fantasies, he would become very unpleasant.
Does the man in you top down or bottom up – it equally demonstrates an inability to perceive you as a living person.
3. He's doing you a favor, which you did not ask, and then makes this such a spectacle that makes you uncomfortable
He's trying to get to feel you in my debt. One of my clients the first couple years of Dating with his girlfriend all the time has helped her relatives were working on the car brother, you took your sister's place, drove dad to the doctors. When the family a few years later, worried about how he treats their daughter and sister, he easily convinced her that they simply used it. It helped him to spoil relations with his friend's family, and she was able to understand his manipulation until years later.
4. He controls
One customer, the stories of his girlfriend always came out with the plan, now go for a drink in the pub "Three horse", then dinner at Chinese restaurant and evening tickets to the circus. At first she liked him because he was so carefully planned, but noticed that he is not interested in where she wanted to go, and pretty soon, he started loudly complaining whenever she wasn't in the mood to spend time in exact accordance with his plan.
Control always begins quietly -- comments about your clothing ("too open" or "too old fashioned"), comments about your friends and family, convincing you to quit your job or move to another, too many tips on how you should live your life, plus some irritation when you find yourself not all agree.
5. He is the owner
Jealous behavioris one of the most reliable signs that you are waiting for the humiliation. Possessiveness gives himself for love: "I'm Sorry, I'm so ugly behaved, but I love you like no one before, I just couldn't see you talking to that guy." It can even be flattering – he's totally into you crazy! But sane and less destructive ways.
Jealousy as a feeling is different from jealous behaviors. Anyone can feel insecure in certain situations. However, if it requires that you have abandoned the freedom to communicate with people to satisfy his jealousy, you can be sure – to be continued.
6. He never and in no way to blame
The same type of men gives and not fulfilling promises, always finding a good reason to be more important than your frustration.
7. He's pressuring you into having sex
This warning is especially important when it comes to teenagers. Contempt of your desires testifies to the fact that it exploits you. If he demands sex as proof of your love for him, show him where the door is.
8. The desire to move quickly to a serious relationship
Despite the fact that so many men afraid of commitment, rapid transition planning life together, without having to know you better, too, not a good sign. This is an attempt to quickly tie your arms and legs. If your opinion in this matter is not heeded, trouble is not far behind.
9. He is blackmailing you when he's angry:
– it covers, holds, and otherwise limit your physical freedom;
– he says that "only trying to get you to listen";
– he swings at you with his fist or otherwise;
he makes threatening comments, such as "You'll be sorry", "will not find";
– it is dangerous driving when angry;
– he pounds on walls and doors;
– he throws things, not necessarily in you.
Do not comfort yourself with the thought "if it gets worse, go." Become worse, and to leave every day more and more difficult.
10. Double standards. He has different "rules" for myself and for you
11. He speaks disparagingly about women in General
12. He differently treats you in front of other people
13. The impression that he is attracted to weakness
Among my clients there are those who are attracted to women, recently traumatized, some even start with the fact that helps women break up with their former partners-tormentors, only to take their place.
On the other hand, many of the torturers are interested just as strong and successful women. This type of men feel more important when they are able to take control of a confident and successful woman.
Nobody argues with the fact that almost any relationship there are times when people scream at each other. All people, men and women, sometimes called partner is not the most flattering names, interrupting, are too busy or insensitive to what is happening with a partner. This behavior, of course, should not be encouraged, but not always, it means degrading treatment, and not always leads to the same consequences.
All these acts of humiliation, when they are part of the pattern. Hate when people shout at each other, but not in all families eventually created such a painful situation, as in the house of a torturer.
Also interesting: Polite violence: I'm more IMPORTANT than YOU
3 emotions that keep a woman from termination of the relationship
The main theses:
– Abusive behavior is caused by Outlook, not emotions. Possessiveness, confidence in their right and control – the roots, trunk and branches of this tree.
Humiliation and respect are antonyms. The torturer can't change unless you get rid of the inability to respect partner.
The torturers know much better what to do than it may seem. But even less conscious elements of their behavior have the same roots and motivations.
– The torturers don't want to behave differently, not can't. They are not ready to relinquish control.
– You are crazy. Trust your eyes and feelings regarding the partner's behaviour towards you.published
Excerpt from Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do it?"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: vk.com/wall-76658493_68240
Fortunately, most of the torturers give warning signals before you press on the gas. The detection of such signals should be part of the education of each girl-the teenager.
Here are some signals that can be seen almost immediately:
1. He speaks disrespectfully about former partners
It is understandable that people worry, and he can share with you the pain and bitterness still gaps. But be careful, if it is too focused on this, or tells you at too an early stage of your acquaintance.
Note whether he spoke about previous girlfriends insulting, is himself a victim. Especially heed to the accusations of the former spouse or partner in the false slander about his propensity for violence – the vast majority of cases, these "slander" are completely justified. Looking for a way to hear her version. Even if you don't believe what she says, you will have important information about what his behavior should be expected and feared.
Don't believe when you say that you are fundamentally different from all previous women,that you are the first who treated him well, and that before him no one understood. It makes you particularly try to prove him wrong, and you have one foot in the trap very soon you will hear about yourself "you're just like everyone else!". His system of values ensures that no woman can be good when she's with him.
There are other cases – all previous women were better than you. Here you should not even try to convince him, it's a useless idea.
Note also, whether he accepts at least some responsibility for the breakdown of previous relationships, or believes that it is entirely the fault of a former girlfriend.
2. He is disrespectful to you
Humiliation grows on contempt, as in the topsoil. If he ignores your opinion, is rude to you, especially in front of strangers, interrupts, or makes fun of – all of it is disrespectful. If this happens constantly, and when you try to complain, he defends their ways of speaking, abusive relationship is not far off.
Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, when you put on a pedestal and blow away the dust. The man who does that to you, it's not you, and their fantasies, and once you find that you do not match his fantasies, he would become very unpleasant.
Does the man in you top down or bottom up – it equally demonstrates an inability to perceive you as a living person.
3. He's doing you a favor, which you did not ask, and then makes this such a spectacle that makes you uncomfortable
He's trying to get to feel you in my debt. One of my clients the first couple years of Dating with his girlfriend all the time has helped her relatives were working on the car brother, you took your sister's place, drove dad to the doctors. When the family a few years later, worried about how he treats their daughter and sister, he easily convinced her that they simply used it. It helped him to spoil relations with his friend's family, and she was able to understand his manipulation until years later.
4. He controls
One customer, the stories of his girlfriend always came out with the plan, now go for a drink in the pub "Three horse", then dinner at Chinese restaurant and evening tickets to the circus. At first she liked him because he was so carefully planned, but noticed that he is not interested in where she wanted to go, and pretty soon, he started loudly complaining whenever she wasn't in the mood to spend time in exact accordance with his plan.
Control always begins quietly -- comments about your clothing ("too open" or "too old fashioned"), comments about your friends and family, convincing you to quit your job or move to another, too many tips on how you should live your life, plus some irritation when you find yourself not all agree.
5. He is the owner
Jealous behavioris one of the most reliable signs that you are waiting for the humiliation. Possessiveness gives himself for love: "I'm Sorry, I'm so ugly behaved, but I love you like no one before, I just couldn't see you talking to that guy." It can even be flattering – he's totally into you crazy! But sane and less destructive ways.
Jealousy as a feeling is different from jealous behaviors. Anyone can feel insecure in certain situations. However, if it requires that you have abandoned the freedom to communicate with people to satisfy his jealousy, you can be sure – to be continued.
6. He never and in no way to blame
The same type of men gives and not fulfilling promises, always finding a good reason to be more important than your frustration.
7. He's pressuring you into having sex
This warning is especially important when it comes to teenagers. Contempt of your desires testifies to the fact that it exploits you. If he demands sex as proof of your love for him, show him where the door is.
8. The desire to move quickly to a serious relationship
Despite the fact that so many men afraid of commitment, rapid transition planning life together, without having to know you better, too, not a good sign. This is an attempt to quickly tie your arms and legs. If your opinion in this matter is not heeded, trouble is not far behind.
9. He is blackmailing you when he's angry:
– it covers, holds, and otherwise limit your physical freedom;
– he says that "only trying to get you to listen";
– he swings at you with his fist or otherwise;
he makes threatening comments, such as "You'll be sorry", "will not find";
– it is dangerous driving when angry;
– he pounds on walls and doors;
– he throws things, not necessarily in you.
Do not comfort yourself with the thought "if it gets worse, go." Become worse, and to leave every day more and more difficult.
10. Double standards. He has different "rules" for myself and for you
11. He speaks disparagingly about women in General
12. He differently treats you in front of other people
13. The impression that he is attracted to weakness
Among my clients there are those who are attracted to women, recently traumatized, some even start with the fact that helps women break up with their former partners-tormentors, only to take their place.
On the other hand, many of the torturers are interested just as strong and successful women. This type of men feel more important when they are able to take control of a confident and successful woman.
Nobody argues with the fact that almost any relationship there are times when people scream at each other. All people, men and women, sometimes called partner is not the most flattering names, interrupting, are too busy or insensitive to what is happening with a partner. This behavior, of course, should not be encouraged, but not always, it means degrading treatment, and not always leads to the same consequences.
All these acts of humiliation, when they are part of the pattern. Hate when people shout at each other, but not in all families eventually created such a painful situation, as in the house of a torturer.
Also interesting: Polite violence: I'm more IMPORTANT than YOU
3 emotions that keep a woman from termination of the relationship
The main theses:
– Abusive behavior is caused by Outlook, not emotions. Possessiveness, confidence in their right and control – the roots, trunk and branches of this tree.
Humiliation and respect are antonyms. The torturer can't change unless you get rid of the inability to respect partner.
The torturers know much better what to do than it may seem. But even less conscious elements of their behavior have the same roots and motivations.
– The torturers don't want to behave differently, not can't. They are not ready to relinquish control.
– You are crazy. Trust your eyes and feelings regarding the partner's behaviour towards you.published
Excerpt from Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do it?"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: vk.com/wall-76658493_68240
