8 Hidden Male Trauma

Recently, having in his psychotherapeutic practice the majority of customers are men, I began to think about how all the same difficult to be a modern man in our society.

After all, the man with the cradle placed inhuman demands that he must be strong, must not cry, must take care of his family by providing them material prosperity. At the same time to show their emotions is an unpardonable weakness.

A "real" man needs to meet certain expectations, to compete with other men to fulfill different social roles. It is not allowed that he has the right to engage in internal search and listen to the call of their own soul.





The lack of decent real specimen of masculinity, initiation rituals, as well as the impact of negative maternal complex lead to the fact that the man is almost impossible to feel like a Mature man, able to trust myself and love myself, to build and maintain fair and trusting relations with others.

In today's world men are growing under the yoke of a Man – an unattainable ideal, the God Saturn, who, according to ancient legend, devoured his children, threatened his power. On this subject well-known Jungian psychoanalyst James Hollis had written a wonderful book "Under the shadow of Saturn" taken by the thoughts from which I want to share in this article.

The purpose of this article is to review common in the book men's emotional injuries, their origin and ways of healing within the framework of psychodynamic therapy.

 

"A man's life, as the life of women is largely determined by limitations in role expectations."

The society distributes social roles between men and women, not considering the true individual needs of each soul, obespechivaya and depriving the natural uniqueness of each individual personality. Whatever the initial client request in the office of the therapist, the true hidden reason for visiting a psychologist is an unspoken protest against a beaten-up plants for men:

• "Don't Express your emotions"
• "Die before women"
• "Don't trust anyone",
• "Be in the flow", etc.

 

The average modern man can not even admit the thought of having to bare his soul, showing his vulnerability and fears in the presence of other men, at best, and this is a big win, he goes to a therapist to sort out his dissatisfaction with life.

 

"A man's life to a significant extent, is driven by fear."

Modern men since childhood "implanted chip" denial, unawareness of fear, that men's task is to master nature and themselves. Unconscious fear hyperkinesias in the relationship. Fear of the parent complex kompensiruet or the desire to indulge, to pleasure a woman, or excessively rule over it.

In relationships with other men have to compete; the world is perceived as a dark, stormy ocean that you don't know what to expect. With the implementation of such plants man never feels satisfaction, because, by throwing dust in the eyes of others, he still feels the fear inside the little boy, trapped in insecure and hostile world in which to hide their true emotions and constantly play the role of invincible, bold "macho".

This feeling of being helpless scared boy, carefully concealed from others and from himself, the shadow side of the personality, or "shadow" is projected onto others or out in socially unacceptable behavior. Projection manifests in the form of criticism of others, condemnation, ridicule.

Compensating for your fear, the man shows off the expensive car, big house, status post external trying a disguise to hide their inner feeling of helplessness and inadequacy.

So to speak, "whistling in the dark" means to behave as if you do not feel fear. In psychotherapy we denote, acknowledge the Shadow and integrating it, strengthening, thus, the true "I" of the client. The most difficult part of the psychotherapeutic program is the recognition by the client to their fears and the real problems. After all, for a man to admit his fears is a sign of his impotency, it means to recognize its inconsistency, be the loser, unable to protect his family. And this fear is worse than death.

 

"Femininity in the male psyche has enormous power."

The very first and the most powerful for each person are the feelings associated with her mother. Mother is the source from which we all originate. As during pregnancy, before birth, we are immersed in the maternal body, we are also immersed in her unconscious and are part of it. Being born, we first separated, are separated physically from her, but we still have some time (some longer, and someone was not able to be separated for life) is mentally one with her. But even after the separation we unconsciously try to reunite with mom through Others – spouses, friends, bosses, demanding from them unconditional motherly love, attention and care, through sublimation, or projection of her features on others.

The mother is the first defense from the outside world, the center of our universe, from which, through our relationship with her, we get information about his life force, his right to life, which is the Foundation of our personality.

In the future, the role of the mother performed by caregivers, teachers, doctors, professors. Most of the information about yourself men get from women. The maternity complex, which was discussed earlier in this article, appears in need for warmth, comfort, care, attachment to one's house, work. A sense of peace develops from initial feelings of feminity, i.e. through our female part. If at the beginning of life a child's needs in food, emotional warmth satisfied, he further feels his place in life and their involvement in it.

As once noted by Z. Freud, the child that was taken care of a mother, will feel invincible. If the mother "not enough", in the future there will be a detachment from life, its uselessness, gluttony in meeting the needs of the pleasures of life, unawareness of their true needs.

In psychotherapy according to the method of character-drama, an important step is meeting those archaic oral needs. Along with the verbal techniques the therapist uses certain images to render.

But, the excess, absorbing the personality of a mother's love can cripple a child's life. Many women are trying to realize their life potential through the lives of their sons. Of course, the efforts of these mothers can raise man to such heights of success, which he hardly could get up. A personal history of famous men confirm this.





But we are talking here about the internal mental state of men, soul harmony and sense of completeness of life. This peace and harmony only rarely associated with social success.

In my psychological practice, there are many stories quite rich and socially successful men who, in spite of its apparent success, feel extreme boredom and apathy towards life.

In order to get rid of the parent of the complex man needs to get out of your comfort zone to realize their dependency, more precisely dependence of the child from the mother surrogate (the object on which he projects the image of the mother).

Find your values, define your life path, to realize your children's anger towards his wife, girlfriend, which will never be able to match his infantile demands.

As if ashamed no, most men need to recognize and separate your relationship with your mother from a real relationship with a woman. If this does not happen, then they will continue to play their old, regressive scenarios in relationships.

Progress, growing up requires a young man to sacrifice his comfort, his childhood. Otherwise, regression to childhood would be akin to the desire for self-destruction and the unconscious incest. But it is the fear of pain is causing life, the unconscious determines the choice of regression or psychological death.

"No man can become himself, until a confrontation with his mother complex and will not bring this experience into all subsequent relationships. Only looking into the abyss yawning under his feet, he will be able to become independent and free from anger"

writes James Hollis
in his book "Under the shadow of Saturn"

In the psychotherapeutic process, for me, is a clear marker when the man still hates the mother or women. I understand that he is still seeking protection or trying to avoid pressure on the mother's side. Of course, in many ways, the process of separation depends on the level of awareness of one's own maternal psychological trauma that define strategies of behavior and mental heritage of the child.

 

"Men are silent to suppress their true emotions".

Every man has in life history when he, as a boy, a teenager, sharing with peers, and later really regretted it. Most likely, he was laughed at, started to tease, and then he felt shame and loneliness. "Mama's boy", "sucker", well, plenty of other insulting words for a boy... These injuries do not disappear and remain in adult life, regardless of existing achievements. Then, as a child, he adopted one of the main "male" rules, hide their feelings and failures, keep quiet about them, do not confess, flaunts, no matter how bad you may be. This one does not need to know, or you're not a man, otherwise you're useless.

And a huge part of his life, and possibly all, will be held in the valiant battle against the children of past humiliations in a distorted subjective reality. As a knight, encased in armor, with visor lowered. Sad.

A man tries to suppress his inner femininity, playing the role of macho, demanding from the wife to the satisfaction of infantile needs in maternal care and attention, at the same time suppressing the woman, establishing control over it.

Man suppresses what is afraid. Without taking his female part inside, the man tries to ignore his emotions inside him, to humiliate a real woman who is next to him.

This "pathology" renders impossible, the establishment of close relations in the family. In any relationship a man is in a relationship, where she knows little about yourself. It projects its unknown part of the psyche to another person. Often the man feels rage towards the woman. Expression of rage is associated with excessive influence of the mother, in the "shortage" of the father. Anger accumulates in violation of the personal space of the child, the violation of its borders in the form of direct physical violence or undue influence of the adult on the child's life. Resulting psychological trauma can lead to sociopathy. A boy, as an adult, will not be able to care. His life is full of fear, will hurt anyone who is close and wants to build a family with him or a relationship of trust. He can't suffer their pain alone and suffering of Another. This will happen as long as man does not take his emotional, feminine part, get rid of the parent complex.

 

"Trauma is necessary because men must leave mother, and psychologically to go beyond parent".

The transition from maternal dependence to men's involvement, the father's nature is accompanied not only by characteristic physiological changes in the body of the boy, but also a strong psychological shocks, anxiety, injury. Psychological trauma contribute to the integration of the infantile unconscious material of an individual.

Infantile unconscious material we call security and dependence of the victim, which is necessary for the transition of a boy in a man's world. Different peoples were (some are) their rituals of self-mutilation – circumcision, ear piercing, knocking out of teeth. In all these rituals there is damage to the material (matter-mother). The tribal elders, thus depriving the boy of support, protection, that can protect, i.e. aspects of the maternal world. And it was the greatest manifestation of love for the young man.

How difficult for modern men without any help to overcome this great transition!

"Rituals have not survived, did not remain wise elders, there is not at least some kind of model of transition of men to a state of maturity. So most of the men is still at its individual dependencies, boastfully demonstrating their dubious macho compensation, and much more suffering alone in shame and indecision"

D. Hollis "Under the shadow of Saturn"

The first stage of overcoming of the parent complex is a physical and later mental separation from parents. Before contributing to this separation was the ritual kidnapping of a boy unknown to him the elders of the masks. Depriving him of the comfort and warmth of the parental hearth, the participants of the ritual gave the boy a chance to grow up.

An essential element of the second stage of the transition ritual was a symbolic death. Were staged burial, or the passage through the dark tunnel. The boy overcame the fear of death, living the symbolic death of the children's dependence. But despite the symbolic death, new adult life was in its infancy.

The third stage is the ritual of rebirth. It is a Baptism, sometimes assigning a new name, etc.

The fourth stage is a stage of learning. I.e. the acquisition of knowledge needed by the young man that he could behave like a Mature man. In addition, he reported on the rights and responsibilities of an adult man and community member.

On the fifth stage was the crucible insulation, accommodation a certain time, without Dismounting from his horse, and fights with a strong enemy, etc.

Ends to initiate a return, in this period the boy is experiencing existential changes, it dies one entity and another are born, Mature, and strong. If the modern man to ask if he feels himself a man, he is unlikely to be able to respond. He knows his social role, but often has no idea what it means to be a man.





"The life of man is full of violence, as violence occurs in their soul."

Unreacted anger in the relationship with mother in childhood into adulthood men in the form of irritability. This phenomenon is called "offset" anger that is poured out at the slightest provocation, often more powerful and adequate to the situation.

To win back his anger a man behavior that violates social norms and rules, committing sexual violence. Violence against women is a consequence of the deep men's the trauma of the parent complex. The internal conflict in the form of fear of injury will be transported to the external environment, and with the purpose of self-defense, he will try to hide your fear by dominating Others. A man aspiring to power, this immature boy, overcome inner fear.

Another strategy used by men afflicted by fear — the desire to over-sacrifice in order to give pleasure to a woman.

Modern men rarely talk about their anger and rage, without shame. They often choose to remain silent about their feelings, being alone.

And that anger is not expressed and manifest in the outside, directed inward. This is manifested in the form of self-destruction yourself with drugs, alcohol, workaholism. As well as in systemic diseases – hypertension, stomach ulcers, headaches, asthma etc. Need to break the maternal bond, to relive the trauma that lead to further personal growth and a qualitative change of life.

 

"Every man yearns for a father and needs to communicate with the elders of his community."

"Dear father,
You recently asked me why I say I fear You. As usual, I wasn't able to answer You, partly because of the fear of You, partly because to explain this fear requires too many details that would be difficult to bring into the conversation. And if I'm trying to answer You in writing, then the answer will still be very incomplete, because now, when I write, I don't fear You and the consequences of this and because the amount of material well beyond the scope of my memory and my mind."

Franz Kafka "Letter to father"

So begins the famous work, and I know that most modern men in this would like to admit to their fathers.

Long gone are the days when business, craft, trade secrets in the family was passed from father to son. The relationship between father and son is broken. Now the father leaves his home and goes to work, leaving his family. Tired, coming home from work, the father only wants to be left alone. He does not feel that can be a worthy example for his son.

The conflict between father and son in the modern world – a common occurrence. It is transmitted from generation to generation. It is difficult today to find an example to follow neither the Church nor the government, there is nothing to learn and especially from the chief. Wise mentoring, so necessary for a male growing up.

Therefore, most men are thirsty father and mourn his loss. Man needs not only knowledge of how much a father's inner strength, manifested in the unconditional acceptance of the son as he is. Without the "hung" their expectations, and unmet ambitions.

True manhood can manifest itself only outside of inner strength. Those who are not fortunate enough to feel your inner authority, forced all his life to give to others, considering them more worthy or compensating for a sense of inner weakness, social status. Not getting enough attention of his father, his positive mentoring boy trying to earn attention. He then spent his whole life trying to deserve the attention of anyone Else who is just above him in status, or richer.

The silence, the neglect of the father is regarded by the boy as evidence of inferiority (if I were a man, you would deserve his love). Again, I don't deserve her, so I never became a man.

"He needs a father's example to help understand how to exist in this world, how to work out how to avoid trouble, how to build correct relationships with internal and external femininity"

D. Hollis "Under the shadow of Saturn"

To enhance his own masculinity he needs external Mature paternal model. Every son needs to see an example of a father who does not hide his emotions, he makes mistakes, falls down, admits his mistakes, rises, corrects mistakes and moves on. He does not humiliate his son with the words: "don't cry, men don't cry", "don't be a sissy", etc. He admits his fear, but learns to cope with it, to overcome their weaknesses.

The father must teach the son how to live in the outside world, while remaining in harmony with itself.

If the father is absent spiritually or physically, there is a "bias" in the child-parent triangle the relationship of the son with the mother is particularly strong.

What would be good would be a mother, it is quite impossible to dedicate her son to what she does not have the slightest idea.

Only the father, wise mentor can get your son out of the maternity complex, psychologically otherwise, the son will remain a boy or become dependent on compensation by becoming "macho" hides the majority of domestic femininity.

The process of psychotherapy a person is aware of your fears, vulnerability, longing, aggression, passing, therefore, through injury.

If not, the person continues his search for the "perfect" parent among pseudoprotocol, pop stars, etc. worshiping and imitating them.

 

Also interesting: 9 signs, that is a real man

The man wants to go

 

"If men want to be healed, they should mobilize all their internal resources to fill what at the time is not received from the outside."

The healing of a man begins in the day when he becomes honest with himself, discarding shame, he admits his feelings. Then it becomes possible to rebuild the Foundation of his personality, liberation from the sticky grey of fear, haunting his soul. This is almost impossible to handle alone, for healing takes time. In therapy it might take six months, a year, maybe more. But healing is possible and quite realistic.published

 

Author: Natalia Shcherbakova

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.qui.help/blog/8-sokrovennyx-muzhskix-travm