The most common type of vampirism Helpless Person raises a problem, and donors are trying to solve. The game, which leads a Helpless Person, called "Why don't you?..." "Yes, but...". And no matter how beating donor, whatever the number, whatever they were smart, the problem they will not solve, and vampire will win them all.
Want to give an example, Eric Berne in close to our conditions.
To a Helpless Person, a pretty woman of about 35 — 40 came a friend with whom she with a Cup of coffee peaceful talks.
Helpless Personality (sad voice): we'll See what state my apartment! Need urgent repair! Don't know what to do?
Donor A.: Why don't you contact the housing office?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but there are long queues, and work there bad!
Donor B.: Why don't you contact the co-op?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but they take very expensive and in recent times a cheat!
Donor Q.: Why don't you get your husband to do the repair?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but he has no time, and we have no tools!
The donor G: Why don't you buy the tools and still not force my husband to do the repair?
Helpless Personality: Yeah, but if he does repairs, we are two weeks later, the ceiling collapses!
The game is over! There comes an awkward silence, and after a while starts the fun "Isn't it awful?" in "These evil men." Helpless Personality got a lot of "strokes" and left his advisers out in the cold.
Did you, dear reader, to give advice and good tips that are completely rejected, and simmering rage to think to myself, "Well, frantic with fat!"?
I want to give you another example, which found Harris in his book "You're okay and I'm okay".
Talk two friends. The donor, wealthy woman, comes to visit Helpless Personality, his girlfriend, in which not everything works out in your personal life.
Helpless Personality: am I Really that scary that I no appoint date?
Donor: Why don't you go to the hairdresser?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but there's a huge queue.
Donor: Why don't you do the styling yourself?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but then my hair will be in tow!
Donor: Why don't you apply the shadows?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but I'm allergic!
Donor: Why don't you consult a dermatologist?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but I already know what he has to say!
Donor: Why don't you go to the courses of psychological training? There are suitable guys.
Helpless Personality: Yes, but I get very tired!
Donor: Why don't you stop watching the night shows?
Helpless Personality: Yeah, but I gotta be entertained somehow!
Donor (with irritation): You don't know what you need!
The donor leaves, and the vampire, getting a lot of "strokes" sadly thinks: "the World is horrible, nothing can be done. That last girlfriend left me" (fun "Isn't it awful?" in the form of internal monologue).
And she can't think that we need to change and not to ask councils, and to make your own decisions, to take responsibility for your life. As you can see, the victory of the vampire kind.
And the last example. Then begin to develop rules to protect against this kind of vampire.
There are two students — a Helpless Person and the donor.
Helpless Personality: don't know what to do. Monday to take a test, and I have nothing ready!
Donor: Why don't you stay the night?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but I'm already one night!
Donor: Why don't you workout on Sunday?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but on Sunday I have a date!
Donor: Why don't you ask the teacher for an extension?
Helpless Personality: Yes, but he said that no delay can not be.
And again the circle is closed. There is a transition to entertainment "Isn't it terrible?..." in a variant of "These evil teachers".
For me, when I became acquainted with this form of vampirism, the game is "Why don't you?..." "Yes, but..." made a huge impression. I remembered an episode from my own life. We've got a good group of colleagues about the same age — 35 years. Almost all of us were burdened with families, each growing children. I have two, one was six years old, the second less than a year. The wife was on unpaid leave to care for a child. I worked one. How difficult is it to make ends meet.
In our company was a woman, nice-looking, but with unsettled personal life, which occupied the same position as I am. She complained constantly. We, as could, tried to help her all sorts of advice that she did not perceive, causing us severe irritation. Imagine my surprise when it turned out that everything she told us, and all we told her was described a long time ago! I thought it was my thoughts! It turns out that I sat the game that made me the victim of psychological vampirism.
I said that people are willing to give advice. Easiest to get advice on how to raise children, how to treat certain diseases, how to choose specialty, when you can get married. And by the way, these questions with great difficulty, unable to answer even the professionals. I derived a formula:"the qualifications of the therapist is inversely proportional to the number to give them advice". Therefore, in our work, trying to teach the patient to make their own decisions, especially those that may affect its future.
Fans advice! What do you think whose problem is solved by the Advisor: his or yours? Right! My! He tells you how he would do in this situation. But you do not have the qualities of a counselor and to do that you can't. I was once in conflict with the boss. My right did not cause any doubts, and one of my friends advised me to complain to their superiors. In these situations, he did, and often after many trials succeeded. But to me his advice doesn't fit: I simply could not stand because of their nature many of walking the chain of command.
Advisers often recommend to commit such an act, which at the time they did not dare themselves. So, my patient, a single woman of 37 years old, consulted me whether she should have a baby out of wedlock. She had few friends, unmarried women aged over 50 years who tried to convince her to do it: "We were fools, so now left alone, do not repeat our mistakes." It is generally no good: advised in the case in which you do not have your experience. Of course, no Council in this respect, patient I gave. As a result of treatment she quite well married. Children she and her husband decided not to acquire.
And now a few words about the psychological plan. Consider what you can as a result of this purchase. Assume that comes to my buddy and asks if he should marry M., because he knows that I know her. When I Express a negative opinion, he, if on the unconscious level, decided to marry her, goes to consult someone else. And so it will go until, until you find a man who will tell him to marry M.How it will end for me?
You know that the first month of honey, and love to shoot not only conventional, but also psychological clothes, ie trying to tell about yourself as much as possible. And here is my buddy in a moment of honesty says M., now his wife, about the following: "You know, darling, before marriage I asked L. whether to marry you, and he told me things about you povarskaja! Good thing I did not listen to him!". And who I become in the face? The enemy! You may object: "Is he such a fool that will talk about it?". And I reply: "of Course! It would be smart not consulted to this question!".
Now the second option. I told him: "get Married! M. — a worthy woman and can give happiness to the man!". The first month, you know, honey, and the second is wormwood. Our hero learns the truth about his wife, and again I gain an enemy, but now in his face. I hope I have convinced you that the one who loves to consult, just wants to shift the responsibility for the bad decision to another, i.e. it is a real psychological vampire!How to identify and neutralize a Helpless Person?
You already understood, dear reader that the vampire, all the time, advice, but not follow them. Their game — "Why don't you?..." "Yes, but...". Therefore, in order to neutralize a Helpless Person, do not give advice, do not stand on the position of Parent! Then a conversation with her will proceed in the following way:
Helpless Personality: See in what state my apartment! Need urgent repair! Don't know what to do?
Donor: Yes, the problem is complicated. And what are you going to do?
Helpless Personality: My son does not want to read.
Donor: Yes, this is very bad!
Helpless Personality: What would you recommend for me?
Donor: I'll never know!
It should be noted that quite often the players change places. It is also possible to use for protection. But then the donor becomes a vampire.
Here is an example (the answer is — protective-striker).
Helpless Personality: My son does not want to read. I don't know what to do!
Donor: What is the problem! Here my son went to live with thirties woman, and he's still only 16 years old! published
Author: Michael Litvak
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©