Cold Woman - what is the reason and what to do with it
Forty four million eight hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred thirty three
This type of vampirism is more common in the family. Husband sweet talks with my wife. After some time he develops a desire for sexual intimacy. Wife lazily waves away from him. His claims are becoming more active, and she angrily shouts: "I told that you dirty animal! You want naked sex! Now you've ruined everything! After all, how good it was!". There's a scandal.
If this is repeated quite often, the husband humbles himself and refuses sexual harassment. There are several weeks or months. He behaves calmly. She becomes nicer and seemed distracted. Can go half naked around the room or ask her husband to apply to bathroom towel. Spouse sees this behavior as a signal of truce. But when he begins to start active actions, then again hears is: "I told that you dirty animal! You want naked sex!". Again, a scandal erupted.
Husband decides not to succumb to provocations. Some time passes, and the wife approaches him, kisses and says, "How sweet of you.". Relationships become more warm, but when it must come to a close, the wife tells him the same phrase: "I told that you dirty animal!...".
Husband is trying to find a way out. His friends advise him to have a mistress. Other people do so. When the secret is revealed, the family scandal erupted, and the wife said again: "I told that you dirty animal! You want naked sex!".
About describes E. Bern game, which is a Cold Woman. Here we see all the signs of psychological vampirism. At first the vampire oblaskivaet the victim, and then drinks from it all the juices.
Where does the energy that should go on love and sex? As you know, she goes to the scandal that is analogous to sex. He has the same anatomical and physiological support! The same change of pace, the same breathing, a strong heartbeat, increased sweating, be pronounced motor response and there comes the emotional discharge.
Sanitary significance of the scandal (and sex) is great. It relieves stress. It is known that people who keep their emotions, get sick more often and more hard! In lectures I often say that you don't have to spend the night with a woman to know what it is about sex. Just look how often and with what force she makes a fuss.
By the way, often flashing in public transport and in queues scandals 85% linked with sexual dissatisfaction and only 15% due to objective reasons. Some analysts and the cause of wars associated with sexual dissatisfaction of those who unleashes. I have on this account their opinion is not. But "serial killer" type of response, usually people are sexually dysfunctional.
I will try to explain why the Cold Woman and her husband are not breaking up. The fact that they suit each other, although this is, of course, psychopathological Supplement. Wife sooner or later, though not very often, has to give to her husband. After provocations and scandals what quality they have sex? Bad. The wife remains unsatisfied and quite often arranges a scandal after inferior by her husband sex, not realizing that she is the cause. But there is no reason to change her husband.
To be a married woman is more prestigious than divorced. If she divorced, she will have to look for another husband and bring it to impotence, but here it's done. He doesn't want to divorce, because to start a family with another woman at a reduced potency in psychological terms, it is difficult, but there is still something, at least sometimes, it has. To address to the sexopathologist our men are often not resolved. Next, I'll talk more about impotence and sexual disharmony.
The consequences of this kind of psychological vampirism heavy. But his victims rarely go to the doctors-psychotherapists and treated to no avail doctors have quite a different profile.
At our clinic treated a woman of 36 years about a severe neurosis. But before to get to us, she was treated by a physician with a diagnosis of dyskinesia of the large intestine, chronic gastritis, chronic colitis, hypertension, an endocrinologist with a diagnosis of fibroids.
Among colleagues and relatives, she was known as a hysterical, with which it is impossible to talk. As soon as she was sick, he immediately thought that she had cancer of the body, which now she was worried. What was really? She was a Cold Woman. Psychotherapeutic treatment gave brilliant results. All the sores disappeared, except for the fibroids, but its growth has stopped.
And this example remember, for I will refer to it below.
At the reception came to me TS, pretty woman 33 years old with complaints of an obsessive fear of sharp objects. When near it a knife, a needle or other sharp object, she is afraid that will use them and harm his five-year son who loves. She realizes the absurdity of fear, but to overcome it.
Harm to his son of course, it didn't hurt, but to play with him, care for him: "I am the poor mother, can't communicate with his son." In addition, she had obsessive fears of agoraphobia (she was afraid to cross streets) and claustrophobia (fear one to be in a confined space, whether it's a bus, Elevator or room with a closed door). The fears of the patient occurred soon after the birth of her son. Repeatedly conducted by a neurologist treatment gave no effect.
I asked the patient to tell you about myself since childhood. In the house all tucked mother. Family grew to four daughters. Quite often, the mother told the girls that durable can only be such a family where the wife loves her husband, and he loves her (then easier to manage) that all men are filthy animals, besides sex they have nothing.
The father in the house is more silent. When he came home from work, ate then read the paper and went to bed. "The father we never talked. Sometimes the mother asked him to do something around the house. It is silently performed. Here, perhaps, and all I can say about your father."
When TS was 17, she was Dating a guy for a year or two older than her. When she turned 18, he proposed to her. Soon he was drafted into the army. Before enlisting he wanted to register the marriage, because she refused him in an intimate relationship, but marriage before the army she did not agree.
Now it is possible to assume that any difficulties while waiting for him she was not. During his service, she enrolled at the engineering Institute. When he returned, she again refused to marry him because they were afraid that family life will interfere with learning. Asked for a continuance until graduation.
Is here seen as the act parent program, and we can assume that we face the Cold Woman. Otherwise she would before leaving her spouse in the army, and if its principles were consistent with principles of some groups of our young people, it would have joined with him in an intimate relationship, not waiting for marriage.
But when the justification for the deferral was studying at the Institute, for a psychologist or psychotherapist, as well as for you, my dear reader, it is clear that she is one Cold Woman, although she is not what her family life.
Donor she got is not very good. Little tough, trying to convince her to marry him, he stopped the relationship with her and soon married another woman. C. successfully studied, went to College nights, flirted with the boys, but sexual relations is not reached.
Proposal of marriage was rejected: "you should First finish school". The Cavaliers were often changed. Then there was one constant admirer, who carried her briefcase. To him she confided to my girlish secrets. Sexual rapprochement, even at the level of hugging and kissing was out of the question. In General, he adored her.
Here, I allow myself to digress and talk about one sexy game Cold Women with men that are not married. It's called "fuck off, fool". Our translators, Eric Berne, hesitate a strong expression, called the game "Dynamo".
The first option is flirtation. A woman admires a man, demonstrating its availability. He begins to Woo her, make her compliments, escorted her home, hoping that invited him into the house. But the door in front of him is closed and he hears: "Thank you for the compliments! We successfully spent the evening".
A man gets a little discouraged from what the woman gets perverted sexual satisfaction. This option is called: "Thank you for the compliments".
The second option is called "Misunderstanding". She invites him to her, and continues its provocations. I am always amazed at how far ahead of science are talented representatives of literature and art. Here is a poem of Sasha Cherny-written in the thirties. It is called "Misunderstanding":
She was a poet
The poetess of Balzac's years
And he was a playboy,
Playboy and the passionate brunette.
Rake came to the poetess,
In the gloom, breathed perfume.
On the sofa in the solemn mass
The poet gnuzilla poems.
"Oh, watch out for fire-breathing weasel
To revive my sleepy passion!
To foam hips red bandage
Do not be afraid mouths to drop!
I'm fresh as a breath of Wallflowers!
Oh, splitem same istanti bodies!..."
The sequel was such a
That curly brown hair blushed.
Blushed, but recovered quickly.
And I thought, "was."
Here not the Duma speech of the Minister,
No words are necessary, and the case!"
Unrestrained by the power of the centaur
The poet playboy drew.
But shrill vulgar "moor!"
Cooled a mighty stream.
«Sorry?… he jumped, ? you..."
But her eyes cold and honor:
"You dare to honest lady
As a janitor with arms to climb."
Here Chinna moor. And ass
Takes the frightened visitor.
In the front confused look
He searched his cane.
With a face whiter than milk of magnesia
Walked the stairs spunky brunette.
He did not understand the new poetry
Of the poetess of Balzac's age.
The third option is "False Creek". Woman given man experiences pleasure from sexual intimacy, and then yells: "Help! Raped!"getting some benefit from the trial. You think I sympathize with the victims? Nothing of the sort!
You need to be able to distinguish loving from maneuvers vampire and intelligently act. Then you can get some pleasure from the admiring glances of the vampire, not giving him his juices. Not to go off, and if you go, don't try to enter the house, and if entered, do not go.
Of course, it can defame you impotent, but what do you care about what you think about fools? In fact, you have sex all right! One of my clients, hyperpaint when passed psychological training at our center, I realized that to be a impotent more profitable than to have a reputation as a don Juan, and began to be promoted on such a seemingly unflattering rumors.
Sometimes vampires have to resort to such tricks in which you find yourself on the horns of alternatives: "I will go with you on a picnic, but only if you promise that everything will be?". And the young man in the trap! If he doesn't do "stupid", the vampire then laughingly say to friends: "This impotent't even tried to kiss me!".
If he tries to do, the vampire will say: "I thought We agreed no funny stuff!". I propose to offer to behave no nonsense reply: "Because I'll do myself, then abandon the picnic.". It is best to do it for 15 — 20 minutes before the scheduled time, call the vampire on the phone.
Listen to the stories of my clients who have used the methods of protection from vampires, playing a game of "piss off, you fool!".
"I was vacationing at the resort. I liked one woman. On the evening of the holiday I invited her to dance. She immediately began to make me compliments. Said I was a good dancer that I am witty conversationalist, fun laughing at my not always funny jokes. Asked her for a second, a third dance. In General, do not depart from it.
I saw that she wasn't with me boring. When it was announced white tango, she said she wants to dance with others. Of course, I didn't mind. But what was this man! I would understand if it something I excelled!
Of course, I did not come, as I realized that she's a vampire, playing a game of "piss off, fool". She tried to make me feel jealous. These women do not know how to love, but only flirting. And all the steam they take in the tone."
But the second story.
"Courses of improvement of qualification in Moscow on our thread was one comely woman of about 40 with traces of former beauty. In the first days she tried to organize some excursions. But every student, including me, had business in the capital, which had engaged in extracurricular time.
We talked, mostly during breaks. She always smiled a charming smile, admired by almost every utterance of any man cycle. Pay attention to what she was talking about his family Affairs, called her husband not by name but just said "husband".
The impression was that she enjoyed pronouncing the word. When she was shopping for baby clothes, it turned out that her child is only five years old. No, she didn't say how old he is. This didn't come out and vychislitel".
And so it goes. A cold Woman, quite often getting married later, not the best option, what level of consciousness justifies her coldness. But back to the story of my client.
"I successfully participated in the seminar on exchange of experience with its development. They were approved by the teacher. On the break, with enthusiastic, she praised my performance. Here is what I figured out is a vampire Woman. Soon we had a Banquet. She took the place beside me and continued to praise me. She looked very good.
Began dancing, I several times invited her to dance. When I approached her once again, she turned me down, asked for forgiveness, saying he wants to dance with another cadet, and she went to invite him. (Note the stereotype of the maneuvers of the Cold Women: different women, different men, and the maneuver is the same. However, these are my customers something like each other. - M. L.)
Then she invited her entire company to go home. Then I gathered a small group of men, and we left the Banquet a little earlier the General group. The next day she was slightly embarrassed. I apologized and said that when we left, couldn't find her. I got pleasure from the fact that all figured out in advance."
When I tell this case at a lecture, a student saying that my client himself has played this game. "Men today are often fond of the latter. Only they are not touted companion, and scolded his wife," - they say. What remains to think lonely woman interested in her man confessed to her and complain about his family life?". It seems to me that after all this is a purely female game, but maybe the right student?
And how should such a case?
"I bloody fell in love with his teacher, while on courses of improvement of qualification of teachers, told me one client. - Their love could not hide. It saw all the cadets, though I haven't shared. To me he was stressed warm and welcoming.
And once, when we were alone, he said he was on duty, but as in everything quietly, then going off duty to go. I invited him over to my... Oh, my God, he's barking at me! Well, just like the poetess of Balzac's years of Sasha Cherny. Isn't that the game? Have seen the feminization of men. They began to play a purely female sex games!"
But let us return to our heroine. TS.
Reluctantly, she accepted the offer of your admirer. Sexual relations immediately went wrong. Felt physical revulsion. «Good man. Does everything for me. Girlfriend jealous of me. And I like the frog in the same bed. Trying away from him to lie that he, God forbid, I didn't touch".
After six months at TS developed hypertension with frequent crises. The treatment effect did not give. Sexual relationship has almost stopped. This went on for about five years. You are already familiar with the modern psychological concepts, understand the mechanism of development of hypertension. It was necessary in order to avoid intimate relationships.
When she is still pregnant, hypertension has ceased. And it is clear! There is another reason to avoid intimacy. The child was born. Diapers, sleepless nights!.. But when the child, as luck would have it a copy of the unloved husband, stopped at night to cry, appeared the above obsessions. On admission the patient was accompanied by her husband, but he never in the Cabinet not included. The patient was opposed to I talked.
I want to say that I got here not up to par. Two or three months she tricked me about their sexual problems did not. And only when I insisted on talking with her husband, told all. Of course, that five years of treatment at the neuropathologist effect could not give.
How to identify and neutralize the Cold Woman?
To identify it can be quite difficult. The first signs of a future Cold Women are usually seen closer to adolescence.
E. Byrne described such maneuvers are called "Sand cake". The girl asks her admirer to blind her sand pie. The boy answered her prayer and waiting for her praise and maybe a kiss, but instead of encouraging hear: "Fi, you're filthy!". But dirty it was due to her provocation! The vampire is already torn by internal contradictions and is unable to receive love from a partner of the opposite sex. Here, the hidden transaction (see figure).
Line — In girl asks to sculpt a sand pie. Along the lines of Dr. it shows that he admires the boy. But when he answered her prayer, inner Parent girls, formed by the mother pounces on the boyfriend: "EW, you're filthy!".
The girl received the necessary "psychological strokes", pulling energy from the boy, but on further deepening of relations has not gone and wasted the received energy to the "prick" of his Child, which caused her Parent.
As a result, her Child was left unsatisfied. So quite often, the principles and rules of winning feelings and needs, but this victory is always tactical. Needs remain unmet. Sooner or later the disease develops.
Let me give you another example, when early on vampirism is harmful to the vampire.
Patient, 37 years old, came to me for treatment in serious condition. Disturbed obsession and have been violated in a sexual relationship with her husband.
Here is her story.
She was raised in terms of high moral responsibility, where the main educational words were, "should" and "impossible." She learned proper morals.
When she was 15 years old, once at a school dance she liked a boy. The whole evening they spent together, and he went to see her home. Before parting, he tried to touch her Breasts. She indignantly rejected the affection, had a fight with him and went home.
The next day she had a sudden heart attack and she went to the doctor. The doctor listened to heart, made the appointment, said that there is nothing wrong. And indeed, after a few days it passed.
Why was that? That was supposed to make her Beau, did the doctor ("patted his chest").
This boy more did not approach her. She told me about the trouble her friends. More experienced peers explained that after she had been with him all evening, she should be more compliant. Then their relationship continued.
Three months later she met another boy. After several days of courtship she allowed him to Pat his chest, but when he lowered his hand closer to her stomach, she indignantly rejected the affection and the boy fell out.
The next day there was intense pain in the upper abdomen. Again, I had to go to the doctor. The doctor conducted superficial and deep palpation (examination of the abdomen with a brush), said that there is nothing wrong, prescribed the appropriate treatment. After a few days it passed.
Why was that? You may have guessed, something had to make her Beau, did the doctor ("Pat the belly"). And again the need was satisfied in a legal way!
But this boy more did not approach her. She told me about the trouble her friends, and they again advised her to be more flexible. A few months with the boys (these "dirty animals") her date did not want to (here it is, the punishment of a domestic Parent, even the desire was gone).
While she and the boys are not met, the internal vigilance of Parents decreased, and after some time she liked another boy. His hand, she allowed to fall below the chest. But what insolence! The hand dropped even lower! No, she could not take it anymore! Ended up with a slap.
The next day she had diarrhea. The doctor carefully examined the bottom of the abdominal cavity, said that there is nothing wrong, prescribed the appropriate treatment.
At this time she had to go to another city to go to College would go 12 hours on the train. She was a little worried before exams. When she had the need to go to the bathroom (upset stomach, apparently, wasn't very), he, unfortunately, was occupied.
In a cold sweat she stood, as it seemed, forever. Since there was a fear before a long trip, therefore she was forced to leave school in the future did not go anywhere due to the obsessive fear. But the disease developed...
As you can see, long before live sex there were signs that the us future Cold Woman. Often, these vampires look pretty sexy. Willingly flirting. Near them some time spinning the Cavaliers. Then disappear, and remains one admirer, whom they marry on his and my own grief.
Some Cool womens blocked so the need for direct sex, they just wonder when the partner starts to claim the deepening sexual relationship. It should be emphasized that quite often, while in people Cold a Woman can hug and kiss your husband or boyfriend to sit on his knees, cuddling so that others will think: "How lucky! And beautiful and sexy!". And only he knows that all the steam goes into the whistle!
To neutralize the Cold Woman, E. Byrne advises husbands to behave so as not to bring the matter before the scandal, because scandal Woman gets perverted sexual satisfaction, psychological naitives juices partner and giving him nothing in return.
In clinical practice, in very rare cases the husband Cold Woman comes in contact with a therapist. But when it happened, I was never able to convince him to agree to total abstinence from intimacy with his wife and wait for the moment when due to the lack of scandals, she remains sexually unsatisfied and, ultimately, itself take the initiative.
Then there is the psychological marriage based on mutual love, manifestations of vampirism disappear. Ideal - when the Woman aware of their problem and comes in contact with a therapist.
Myths of modern sexology (a"small" theoretical digression)
How to raise a Cold woman?
It's easy. The easiest way is to talk about men, especially about intimate relationships that lead to pregnancy, really bad. "All men are filthy animals, they need only a bare sex. And then he'll leave you.". Remember, from the famous Opera: "Before marriage don't kiss him!". Specific examples of these provisions are, in real life and in works of art can be quite enough. Do not have to talk about this with her daughter.
In addition, the daughter may see the disrespectful attitude of the mother to the father and authentication mechanisms to transfer it to all men. It so happened my patient, which have an obsessive fear to cut his son. Her story you already know. In families where the father drinks, scandals, mocks the mother and beats the children can also be raised by a Cold Woman.
I many may argue: "the Percentage of dysfunctional families is much greater than the percentage of Cold Women." Reply. The nature of sexual desire is that it often turns out to be stronger than all the parental prohibitions. But then the roll can go in the opposite direction to sexual promiscuity. Remember the human desire to do the opposite? Education is always going to yield any effect. Neutral impacts do not happen!
The cold Woman frequently brought up in "intelligent-aristocratic families." "We, my daughter, is not his way. See, you can't miss. Learn better about the boys not think. You will have great future".
The girl learns this. She takes music lessons, ballet club, art school, studying English, attends beauty School. In the evening read novels about bright the fate of the heroes and heroines. One of the book heroes getting a type of the future husband. During training in the circles she often enjoys the special attention of the Manager. Classmates seem to her puppies. She waits for her hero and... does not acquire essential sexual experience.
Again a small theoretical digression (now really small). The concept of "sexual relations" has a narrow and a broad meaning. In the narrow sense is that due to the birth of children and getting sexual satisfaction.
In a broad sense - is generally a relationship between a man and a woman. When I give a lecture, do not act in their gender roles. In my place could be a woman. But when I invite a woman to dance, open doors for her, help her carry heavy bags, here we can talk about sexuality in the broadest sense of the word. At the same time describes my personality as a man and characterize me as a person.
Now, sex education is necessary to lead in early childhood, i.e., girls should be raised a woman, a boy into a man. After all, no worse than being the middle of the floor! In addition, sex education should be early childhood. Later we will talk about the stages of development of sexuality according to Freud.
Now simply note that by the five years clearly formed gender identity. The boy is aware of himself as a boy, and girl - girl. Then should be folded and sexual relations in the broad sense of the word. The boy at this time should be able to skip ahead on your girlfriend, bring her backpack or briefcase, to treat her with an Apple, etc. they will Walk holding hands. In adolescence they will have to go hand in hand. Then begin hugging and kissing.
If the girl passes all these stages, reading novels and engaging in self-improvement, nourishing deep down educated parents fear the opposite sex and experiencing it coming from the nature of desire, when she gets married, she'll have to learn the sexual intercourse in the narrow sense of the word, and in addition to horror, she did not feel. The first is the proximity of docks of educated parents negative attitude towards men. So begins a rapid ascent unfortunately.
How do I explain to the mothers, rejoicing in the fact that their daughter is busy with boys and not found that it, and hence they are on the threshold of a great tragedy? Remember Pushkin's Tatiana. The image of her future husband had her under the influence of read novels. When Onegin left their seats, she refused Buyanov, and Petushkova, and married the General and aristocrat.
Tatiana disingenuous when he says that it all lots were equal. After all, if would be equal, would not need to take her to Moscow for the fair bride. I think the tragedy of Tatiana in the fact that she was a Cold Woman. Unfortunately, such tat I often see in my clinical practice.
Perhaps, it is possible to say goodbye to the Cold Woman. We will meet with her next of kin and partners. published