Accidental non-accidents: how we build relationships

There's a good phrase: We are surrounded by those we deserve and they treat us as we allow them to.

The people around us are not random people. We chose them ourselves. A particular Sasha or Lena is a random choice, but their psychological type is not at all random.

What is the mechanism of these random “non-accidents”? In this article, we will talk about how we choose.





To begin with, consider what forms of communication are at all, what they are important in building relationships. Also consider the sequence of the formation of relationships. So, forms of communication (based on the material of E. Bern).

There are six in total.

• Ritual.
  
  
• A pastime/entertainment.
  
  
• Activities.
  
  
• Intimacy/Intimacy.
  
  
• Psychological Games.
  
  
• Retirement.
  
  

I think that almost any situation of communication and relationships can be placed with some form of communication presented above. Now let’s take a brief look at what each form of communication is and its significance in building relationships.

ritual

Examples of rituals are quite simple. We engage in ritual forms of communication every day. When we greet each other, it is a ritual. Men shake hands when they meet – this is also a ritual. When we say goodbye, most of us say goodbye or goodbye, which is a simple ritual.

There are more complex rituals. For example, you are invited to your birthday party. You know exactly how to behave. We need to come and give you a present. Sit down on time. First birthday toast, second and third, same. Then for relatives and close people, etc.

The four points to which the ritual corresponds:

Clear distribution of roles. On the same birthday there is a birthday person, relatives of the birthday person and guests, differing in the degree of proximity.

Clear behavioral algorithms prescribed by ritual rules. The first toast to the birthday party says the closest people. If you belong to a distant circle of friends and take the floor first, it will be a violation of the ritual, and you will be looked at obliquely.

Also, ritual behavior algorithms tell you what to say. For example, your birthday party is unsympathetic, and you treat him badly. But when you get up and make a toast at his birthday party, you say good things to him. And you are right, because it is prescribed by the rules of ritual.

There are no winners or losers. If the participant of the ritual does not go beyond their roles and observe the rules of behavior of their roles, then no one wins or plays.

Everyone's happy.

Thus, the ritual is:

A superficial form of communication in which a person performs a role assigned to him by a particular ritual. At this stage, we cannot understand what a person really is. We can only see how he is able to observe the rules and requirements of the ritual.

A safe form of communication.

The main purpose of the ritual:

Preliminary diagnosis of the partner.

Safe acquaintance.

Choosing partners to transition to deeper forms of communication.

Thus, during the ritual, we make a preliminary opinion about the person in a safe environment and draw conclusions for ourselves, with whom we would like to get acquainted, and with whom we do not want to.

Holidays/entertainment

These are conversations grouped around a topic, but have no purpose or purpose other than direct communication. About cars, real estate, politics, exchange rates, women, men, fishing, etc.

To pastime is communication, which does not imply any clear purpose, except for the direct communication, recreation, entertainment. This also includes going to the movies, gatherings in cafes and other similar forms of entertainment.

Spending time refers to a superficial form of communication, although it is somewhat deeper than ritual. The tasks of entertainment are similar to ritual. This is primarily the diagnosis and choice of a partner for deeper forms of communication.

A short summary of ritual and entertainment:

You need to understand that these are superficial forms of communication. I think that many people have had situations when you met for a long time during rituals, talked about different topics, but there was no closer communication. So you decide to talk closer. And it turns out that up to this point you had one opinion about a person, and when you got acquainted, you realized that the person did not know at all. Your opinion of him has changed dramatically. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

There is a very good saying: “Tourism should not be confused with emigration.” If we communicate with a person on the level of rituals and entertainment, it is tourism. We don't know him at all. But we often understand this much later. One of the most common mistakes in building a relationship is to assume that you know and understand a person with whom you have only a ritualistic and entertaining relationship.

Ritual and entertainment serve only to diagnose the partner. We can only assume that we will be interested, productive and useful with this partner. But we can only know who he really is through deeper forms of communication. For example, activities.

Activities

Activity is a deeper form of communication. The activity always has a specific goal, for which both partners make efforts. I believe that a person is easiest to know and understand what he really is, namely in joint activities.

I think that most readers have had moments in their lives when you radically changed the opinion of a person after joint activities.

Proximity/intimacy

Who do we think is the closest person to us? He is the one who knows the most about us and we know more about him than anyone else. Unfortunately, not all people are able to form close relationships. Many people who simply do not have the skill to form close relationships, due to problems with their parents in childhood. Someone is afraid of close relationships and tries to avoid them.

Intimacy is perhaps the deepest form of communication. Without intimacy, it is impossible to build a real family. To build a close relationship, you need to:

• Trust.
  
  
• Sincerity.
  
  
• Self-disclosure.
  
  

On the one hand, nothing complicated, but if a person has psychological problems, then he tries to avoid close relationships.

Of course, intimacy affects the quality of sexual life. Then for partners, sex becomes not so much a physiological act of pleasure and satisfaction, but the culmination of their intimacy.

Psychological Games

A little later, we will devote a little more time to this form of communication, because it is the Games that poison life and lead to the dramas of the breakup of relationships, suffering in them.

Here I want to say that the Games are a way, a mechanism by which a person implements his script.

In the Psychological Game, each partner plays one of three roles:

• Redeemer.
  
  
• Persecutor
  
  
• Victims
  
  

During the game, when there is a game crisis, the partners change roles. Let me give you an example of a common game. For example, a woman with a script that no one needs her and is waiting for loneliness. She creates a relationship with a man who ignores her interests, treats her badly, “sets on the neck.” She endures everything as a victim. The partner becomes the stalker. Gradually, negativity accumulates, the relationship becomes unbearable, and she walks away from it. He suddenly realizes that she is dear to him and wants to restore the relationship. But she's adamant. She doesn't need that kind of relationship. The partners switch roles, now the husband is the victim and the wife is the stalker. But in the end, she implemented her script and was left alone.

Four points characterizing psychological games:

Clear behavioral algorithms.

A clear distribution of roles at a certain stage of the game.

There are winners and losers. (It seems from the outside.)

Everyone's happy.

The flow of any game is suffering in a relationship. The outcome of most games is a breakdown of relationships.

Recovery.

It's about talking to yourself. And also with virtual interlocutors that we create in our heads. This often happens when one person is offended by another, and conducts constant dialogue with him in his head.

We use self-care to get what we lack in life. We fantasize about what we would like to have, but in reality we don’t have it yet. We are the winners of a situation in which we are the losers in real life.

The more satisfied a person is with his life and his relationships, the less he goes into himself.

How we build relationships

It all starts with a ritual, during which we conduct the initial diagnosis of the partner and choose whom we would like to get acquainted with. During entertainment, we conduct more in-depth exploration and choose which of the partners to switch to deeper forms of communication. Although, of course, relationships can stay in the ritual and entertainment stage for a long time.





Relationships between partners may be limited to one or two forms of deep communication. For example, business partners can only combine activities. They don't need intimacy, let alone games.

But in families, partners communicate in all four forms of deep communication. There is activity, intimacy (at least there should be), and games meet, and withdrawal into oneself happens. Both happy and unhappy families have all forms of communication. The only question is which is more.

Imagine that all forms of communication are 100%. In prosperous families, most of the time between spouses will be communication in the form of activities and intimacy, and games and self-care will occupy a small percentage of communication. In a dysfunctional family, on the contrary, most of the time partners spend in psychological games and go into themselves. And intimacy happens much less often, and with activity so-so.

Author: Boris Litvak

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!



Source: www.cross-club.ru/library/article/otnosheniya-kak-my-stroim-otnosheniya