In our culture the word "addiction" is very negative. This alcoholism/addiction, and psychologically unhealthy relationship, which disrupted the natural exchange of energy, but many demands and discontent.
I want to look at this phenomenon more neutral, because we are all somehow addicted to something until now. From the air, food from employer or the state of nature — otherwise we will not survive.
Dependence is a situation where we ourselves, without the help or external resource, you can't.Experience safe according to my point of view, is the ability to easily rely on help on the concern. To believe that you're entitled to it just because you are.
Thirty seven million five hundred ninety one thousand three hundred twenty five
During early childhood the child should receive experience based on safe, but in fact often turns out quite differently…
Childhood. "Dad can, dad can be anyone, mom, only mom can not be!»
I, like many Soviet children, after birth, taken from the "dirty" mother and placed for a few days in a sterile isolator.Was may holidays, and for three days I have received your experience according. And my mother, at 19 years, gained experience stagnation and mastitis with a temperature — and experience neglect under the slogan "doctors know best".
(By the way, our family has two older children, including me, gave my mom three days. And we're both nervous, in childhood slept disgusting. And the younger two have already resolved to put mom on the stomach, allowed to eat first precious drops of colostrum are much calmer and sleep at night.)
Further more, Dr Spock with their ideas of dissociation of mother and child, "disable" biologically embedded programs of care, of feeling your child. And as a result of this approach is shout do not shout, will not help. The experience of helplessness and horror, I believe.
My three-month future wife, the young parents left the house and went to the movies. When he shouted, closed the door to the room and to the kitchen, not to interfere. "'ll cry and calm down". In a sense, desperate, tired and nervous to sleep the sleep of impotence. Good experience "safe" addiction.
I remember, ten, was trying to get a piece of care and attention. I was a senior, I already had two younger brothers, my mother was twitched, money, time and effort are sorely lacking.
I, now a grown man and father of many children, now understand the idea why she acted like that, but then I'm painfully, hoarse with wanta thief in a small, defenseless, helpless, to feel the absolute heat, is only me. But in our family at the age of three I became an adult — born brother. And to attract attention I could only correct the "adult" actions.
I once drew a pretty picture on a piece of old Wallpaper with pastels and chalk. Chalk crumbled in my hands and soiled pants. The picture was of a large sun and two bright yellow chicken with big eyes. To me the picture seemed very nice! I called my mother, went to her room and brought to the kitchen, where stood an easel with my drawing. This is for you, mom, the best! Pay attention to me, hug me, admire!
A weary nod. Have you done your homework? Get the diary.
And diary two. Rage, shouting: "you And I still draw chickens!"I think she took the picture and left. Burning resentment and shame. "I'm not, this is not necessary." Again hurt again in the breast lump alone again…
I think that such a strong reaction — and I clearly and painfully remember the incident until now — because of the repetition of "I am broken, I am worthless". And the horror works as a catalyst, greatly increasing the pain and making regular episode of life in trauma.
Thirty nine million three hundred ninety two thousand nine hundred fifty two
Boyhood. "Madness of the brave we sing a song!»
I don't know what happens to girls and boys, as far as I know myself and other men, as a rule, rebel. Attempts to get the attention and love of good deeds and achievements often fail for a good routine and cease to praise, and all the time to win the Olympics and get the main role in the theater does not work.
But all sorts of wrong actions cause a reaction! Yeah, the swearing, Yes, shame, fault, but what a concentrated response, how much energy, and only me!
So begins the stage of contravisory, which is held under the slogan "That will knock your eye out — will be mom's son.» It's a strange condition, when you apparently don't pay attention to anybody, and internally very very attentive of what's going on in the first place from significant adults.
Learn to recognize the mood on the steps to predict the next action. I still don't know how to turn off attention from the outside, still can hear that doing all my family, scattered around the apartment.
And to wear headphones to watch a movie or listen to music downright afraid I'll miss something important. Or threat. The suspense and high alert — this is typical of the condition of the house. I was very tired. Had to run to give yourself a break.
In adulthood, escaping often mask rational: work, sports, Hobbies, "doing business in the taverns and baths." I have nothing against these activities. Moreover, love. But I know for myself that this is often all the ways to escape, not to be home. The good news is after several years of psychotherapy becomes easier. The house becomes warmer and more comfortable, anxiety is reduced, you can even have fun.
Contravision only superficially different from dependence. In fact, this dependence with the sign "minus" — do the opposite. It seems to me very clear that in this case, the person exactly as dependent on the opinion and status of the significant other.
It is common to very many men, because it is similar in outward appearance to the way of freedom, which translates to us society. And freedom and ostentatious power are the main characteristics of masculinity.
And often, behind this screen of ostentatious independence hides a little resentful, squishing his nose and rubbing the tears of resentment boy about five years old. And for the greater persuasiveness repeats, like a mantra: "I'm not hurt, chicken satisfied!»
Was this poor young man exiled deep inside, with confiscation and without the right of correspondence. For it is intolerable to live it all again... And antics are becoming wider and tougher! Mom, pay attention to me. Mother!..
Youth. "Freedom for parrots!»
Finally, there comes a time when a boy becomes old enough young men and can throw mom in the face: "you Want — leave!". This occurs most often with admission to the Institute. The burden fell freedom's intoxicating and scary. More nobody to fight, nowhere else to get what was missing in childhood. A Gestalt that is not closed!
I dealt with it by enrolling at MSU, at MSU, my father's Department. Say, dad cried when I got in. I have not seen. This is "so proud".
And yet, with emotion, Student's theatre workshops, Moscow state University. To embed the tangle of feelings that languished inside. This "all to see".
But it's not! All the achievements are worthless, the attention of others, which at first was so happy, gradually increases the dose as a drug. Ceases to Torquay.
Because it's not! It's like trying eat all the time when I want to cuddle. Because you need a "good mother" — who will hug and listen, understand, calm. And maybe then the young man chooses a clear path — to get married! And it is in his family all will be well!
Ninety one million one hundred ten thousand eight hundred ninety eight
Psychologists in one voice say that we choose a partner very similar to the parent of the opposite sex. Not necessarily outwardly. But for some important (painful even) characteristics. I for myself call my cockroaches looking for a friendly someone else's head. And if you find — a lot of emotions! His!
At the age of 19 I married. The former classmate — had to learn the character, cockroaches have approved. Love was a wild, emotion — flurry. Began Dating in may and in October got married. She was 18.
We now live together, I think — very well live. I am happy that life was so. A good, eventful life. But now not about it.
A few years ago life routine and the sense of unbearable heaviness of being when the usual ways to meet their needs has ceased to bear fruit and led us to a depressing dead end. And then, separately, to psychotherapists. It was a turning point in our personal and common life.
We always talked a lot. That's probably why he lived for many years together. And now we have another and honestly speak what is not accepted and unpleasant: about the power in the family, about mistrust, about expectations, about mutual dissatisfaction…
I always thought that I am very selfless. I have other don't. From his wife too. It turned out that it is not so. An honest conversation with them has led me to this discovery.
From wife I need attention. I'm so demanding, that she owes it to me to grant any MY desire.
From wife I need approval. The approval of all of my ideas, initiatives and projects. The approval of all my actions. This is very similar to what is called a complete non-judgment and acceptance. They say that it is possible only between the mother and the unconscious and completely dependent baby, say up to a year or two. It's not supposed to be angry, to criticize. And even just not pay attention is not allowed.
The wife should share the responsibility. Without her approval I did not take the case. And if you happen to fail, it wasn't so bad. After all, she approved, so will not swear.
I'm waiting for his wife to be a "good mother." That which was not. To see another living person who just somehow decided to live together — a difficult task.
Mom, I told you chickens!
So what determines these "strong and free" man? Such a formidable and demanding? I think it's a very simple thing: acceptance/rejection, approval/criticism, mercy/coldness…
Easy twist head, slightly contemptuous grimace, not enthusiastic response — all of which can be the trigger, the catalyst for a storm. Needless to say that the injured person may notice painful almost everywhere?
And here outwardly so calm and confident man is already knocking on the table with your hand. Or raises a hand. Or contemptuously turn away. Or said with icy politeness to withering. Depending on what they have learned from their parents…
And speaks or is silent it's all the same: "Mom, look, mom, hold me, mother! I told you chickens brought is the best that I have. Mother!» published