At some point I realized that already at the bottom, then Kolya appeared in my life.

What makes a person normal? A standard life, a family, a good job and prospects? Let's say. But it is only that part of the human essence that is visible to others. And what is inside: emotions, experiences, fears - all this can be hidden behind a distracted smile and the look of tired, half-sleepy eyes. Anyone. depression And so our character loses everything that was so dear to him. He doesn't leave the apartment, he changes his character. Losing contact with family and friends. The nightmare begins.



Of course, in this case, first of all you need to contact a good specialist. If the psychologist does not help, you need to go to a therapist, or even to a psychiatrist. But how is it that, despite all the past victories and achievements, any one of us can in an instant turn into an empty ruin, inside of which there is nothing but pain and suffering? Why are we humans not immune to this?

About 21 or 22 years old I found out that I have depression. Not the one that often happens to minors because of boredom or unrequited love from the next door. Unfortunately, it's real. With its minuses and without a single plus. This was surprising to me, because I thought most people lived with similar cockroaches in their heads. But it turned out that my case went beyond ordinary anguish.

How did this happen? I went to a neurologist for the first time because I had several panic attacks in a month. You know, when you're on public transport, for example, and suddenly you feel like you're about to end. The mind does not perceive any threat, everything seems quite familiar to it. But the heart begins to beat like crazy, eyes pour red and whiskey turns into two inner drums. For what reason? Hell knows.



Some episodes took place almost immediately. Sometimes I shook a little longer. The only thing I knew clearly was that there were some places where the attacks didn’t reach me. Like the apartment I got from my grandmother. It was always calm and relatively easy for me. And given that I worked from home and did not have many acquaintances, it was easy to add two and two: I stopped leaving the house at all. The delivery service has become closer to some of my friends. But I just couldn't do otherwise.

At first, I even liked this kind of life. I don’t have to go to the office and talk to people I’m not interested in. Again, the time savings are crazy. I bought myself a treadmill and a couple of small dumbbells to keep up. I didn’t think about romantic relationships, believe me. When your inner rhythms and your lifestyle change, guys are the last thing a girl has in her head. Well, at least in my case it was.

But then... I just started giving in. I thought loneliness should be easier for me than for others. I started watching movies, TV shows. Listening to music, even writing. There was plenty of free time anyway. So why not spend it on something interesting? I bought a new, powerful laptop and began to disappear for days on various forums, chat rooms, social networks. Even hooked on online games. It's such a quagmire I can't even tell you. But there was, admittedly, such a thing.



And I was saved from the finale of such, if I may say, life purely by accident. Imagine me, a young girl, 26 years old. But already with bruises under the eyes and excess weight. Yes, a sedentary-lying lifestyle has formed even with all the necessary. I just don’t want to run or take care of myself. Food from local cafes has also done its job. And when you forget to have breakfast or dinner, you want to eat well before going to bed. And it all comes into habit...

One day a cousin came to visit me. They and a friend were interested in my treadmill, since I did not use it at all. Nicholas, a friend of my brother, was at first surprised at the conditions I was living in. But then he started to give me some small compliments and even invited me to take a walk. I, of course, in my manner began to rude and sarcastic to him that the price of the track is not subject to change, for a well-hung language there will be no discount. But he insisted on his own.



And then it all started to happen on its own. He came, we talked. Just talking and nothing more. I had to take care of the apartment I lived in. Your appearance, too. I began to prepare for myself various salads, light snacks, soups. Somehow it was a shame to take Kolya to the kitchen, where there was almost nothing in the fridge except packages from delivery. You know those plastic containers that have a lot of ads on them? Nothing else, not even apples. Then, over time, I tried and resolved the issue...

Slowly we started walking together. At night when there were not many people around. Then we went to the movies together, and once I was at a relatively big concert. I have never had a "past case." I even forgot how they felt. I just remember there's nothing good about them. At the same time, I began to recover, lost weight, got good makeup and some things.



Depressive episode No, we didn't get married. Although, we practically lived with Kolya together. They moved in with me, they moved in with me. It's good that we both have a laptop, a phone and a small bag - the most necessary things for life. Everything else doesn't matter anymore. But the story ended just as it began - suddenly. Kolya just said that he met some girl and he thinks that this is fate. He doesn't want to lie to me, he was fine with me, but that's it. And so I don't have to worry too much, I guess he even showed me a picture of her. It looked even worse than I did in my worst days. A missing man.

I don’t know if my ex had some kind of fetish about losers or just happened, but the fact remains. We don’t talk to him anymore and I’m alone again. It doesn't seem like a bad ending, does it? I have brought my life into some sort of order. Only the day after we broke up, I had another seizure. A week later, and then another. This time in my favorite apartment.



I don't know what to do yet. A little scary because of all this and wildly uncomfortable. I don’t have the urge to turn into a person sitting 24/7 on the Internet again. But who knows how it will be in the future? I can't get ready to go to the doctor again. I don’t know what changes I’ve made over the years. Sitting down, sad. Sometimes I cry. The desire to live and enjoy life disappeared completely without a trace. I'll try to get back to work. What happens next is hard to imagine.