Victor and Full Mazdets

Victor and Full Mazdets
A lot of beeches, but I promise that it would be funny.

Have you ever heard the expression "evil fool myself?" It's just about my neighbor Vitya.

If he fell was born in India, it would be a living god and the founder of the sect Dolboebistoraztra, guiding the path of the other abnormal. He preached to the renunciation of common sense in favor of the banal and schizophrenic fantasies dolboebizma. I am confident that the personal example he would have eclipsed all the rest nonsense Indian cults, about white elephants giving birth from the side of the demons. Sometimes I think that Vitina life is one big reality show, Jim Carrey and secretly spying behind him, hoping to learn a still unknown passages-poseur. Or, for example, it's all one big conspiracy, with the aim to reduce all Vitina familiar with the mind and already out of the madhouse, to sell organs.

Do not fully understood? Here's a simple example from recent.

How many sentient beings, capable to climb desyatigradusny frost, in shorts and t-shirt on the pine nuts for squirrel in a manger? Yes, damn, a real big Crimean gymnosperms softwood! Well, or at the pine of Pallas - I do not understand them livestock. When I think about what happened before his eyes flickering neon kilometer letters the word "Nahua". It rushes scrolled from right to left, like a huge advertisement in the underground parking lot at the casino vegasovskom «Vdara». "Russian Knights" features the word smoky trails in the sky over Bahrain. Perhaps Captain Obvious is now cuts his veins, unable to cope with this mystery.
And because the most important thing - it is the iron logic: you can not climb a tree in clothes that it does not break and does not stain. Flathead devyanostokilogrammovy hairless baboon climbs on coniferous torchun. In a way, he loses points and eventually falls on these same points, like a parachutist, a sack shit messed with his exercise equipment. Just collapses flat, much raspolosovat flight bread room and belly. Do not ask how he managed to do it, literally falling from the lower branches. This is a rational question, but my neighbor - hueputalo illogical.

His dog, which he brought defecate, represents the same shell-shocked, penetrating cosmic radiation, the body. It probably has already passed those same photon changes about that here on Yap wrote. When choosing a puppy, Victor could not take the clever creature. Spanieliha like a real bitch sebala in an unknown direction, waving his ears, as if sewn Bruce Lee nunchaku.

Obviously, in a hurry to taste frostbitten faeces. Or scented rabbit, yeah. And any dog ​​lover will tell you that the trajectory of the free movement of spaniel is ... Yes dick knows what it really is! No one can figure out, even for a dozen Nobel Prizes in bulk.

Okay. Points Victor fumbled and pinned back to the scratched eblet. Together with rare teeth and fleshy, slightly flattened, shnobelem, it made him look like a Fade Shrek entering the Agricultural Institute of the quota for forest uёbisch. Points he pulled because one glass with him and survived somehow seen. Not a little thing like a dog of course, well ... The general direction of movement.

The native access burst has a character of the film "Night of the living dead": lame walk, in his hand - the empty loop leash, clothing and mug in krovische lips blue from hypothermia and lower torn, his eyes under the broken glasses looking in different directions, like a real zombie .

At this time, the neighbor boy Jora led babusinogo Pekinese on legitimate paddock. Met nose to nose, dog lover Georges and Victor zombie between the first and second floors ...
 - Oh. Bliiiiaaaaaaaat! - Jammed sawmill George howled.
 - Hyhohyh, hrrrrg? - Hissed in response to a broken lungs zombies.

A moment later the young canine, howling and mokreya pants rode up the stairs, dragging Bobby. Sawmill huyarit continued at full speed. The old Pekingese flew zigzag track, dropping the unspent calories. He clinked and squeak reflected from the walls and railings at every turn. Shaggy lump tossed like a ball, which was started Ronnie O'Sullivan in his famous wagering on three snookers. But Ronnie is, by the way, world champion in the most difficult form of billiard!

Who knew that now in vogue among young people read Cruz, with its mertvyatskimi opuses? Gloom.


But it was just an example. A true story ...

For all its unreality, Victor leaves behind hecatombs of victims of their own gift of persuasion. In short, I started the first a reason talk about sects and followers. He has a charismatic animal. There is! The top two categories of victims is GAI and credit departments of banks. ZebroHueNositeli he was simply released, opizdenev from talkativeness and randomness of the moped rider wild-stool without license plates. Confused fuck in three tracks from his cap, replacing gyrus. And the ghouls-kreditodavtsy part with money. If a traffic cop still somehow understandable, then the credits - the paradox of Zeno pohlesche.

How much money you loan a man who wore a camouflage jacket on a quilted lining? Otherwise, the clothes make the stretched sweater, seems woven from acrylic pellets, gray, former blue jeans and leatherette shoes with square toes in the fashion of the nineties? Charming brown plaque on the teeth and rare placers dandruff perfectly complement the portrait of a successful businessman who has successfully hidden from journalists nastopizdevshih "Forbes".

Correct answer: a few coins on the minibus. And only out of compassion and concern for their neighbors. Well, maybe a hundred bucks until payday, I.

But Victor managed to get sixty thousand North American raccoons killed at an apartment in the area popularly called the New Ebenёvo. And then the same amount, to barter for the three rubles for housing in our high-quality new building in a quiet location, near the city center. It may be that Vezelvul became his surety, and some of the celestial office to sign the contract on behalf of the bank.

Who took a sin, and arrange a mortgage, know what kind of tyagomotina. Kreditchiki, almost swab ass take the client to ensure the reliability of the imaginary. Check out all the possible points on the personality and biography. Often they may refuse without good reason. Burned, you know, two thousand eighth year. And then - unheard-of generosity. Not only as a gypsy hypnosis or magic love potion.

After completing its scale manipulation of the real estate, Victor spat on his motorbike and began to haunt the car market. The method of zombie eyes allowed him to obtain a driver's license with the right to control passenger cars and even trucks. A Sound of Thunder. First, he rejected the German mark, explaining that it is not patriotic. And I went to the Japanese interiors. Obviously Murokami hiding under the bed of his parents and choking dust composed his opus. And here came a bummer ... salons would forward the money and credit are not amused. Money from Viti was not.

Finally, gather up a couple kilobaksov he left for Kerch and returned in the evening riding on tow truck, loaded the wagon old right-hand drive "Mazda 626". "Illogical hueputalo" - remember? I do not know who and how depressing it by a dick pinned construction in Crimea. Probably Japanese buyer to stupor shook hands and waved to the pier silk handkerchiefs with tears, thanks for being spared from the problem of disposal.

Maybe her Kerch sailors trained secret Tokyo Drift directly on the deck of the cargo ship? Steep yourself pirouettes in the middle of the Indian Ocean during long flights Kerch-Nagasaki? Furiously burning rubber to the sounds of "Flight of the Valkyries" wildly while rejoicing, as the heroes of the film "Apocalypse Now"? Imagine the night, stars, ocean, close snout deck and a hell of a squeal of tires on the metal surface. And in the midst of clouds of stinking smoke, peering from behind the wheel - a pair of wild-eyed sailor who knew the meaning of the original Tao.

Or, perhaps, the sailors looked at her romantic films in the open air, projecting the image on a container with a Japanese lawn mowers? And then the dream of home and boobs, dragged zaboristye marijuana and the Far East went on a visit to the bright southern stars riding on blue whales. But even blue whales in ahue not know the answer, and they have, among other things, the world's largest brain!

Looking at the red and flaky car, it was clear that a complete Mazdets. Against the background of mass parked, ёba, "elite" house Lexus hueksusov this wonderful huerga even fun and pleasing to the eye. As a dick in the compote.

This ended the pros and look inside the cabin did not want at all. Rudder was nibbling. Apparently, sailors and even fucked in the trash can some kind of a woman in a pose of "Beaver", causing the wheel to have a snack. On the driver's seat, according to the footsteps of someone trying to shit in a hole done in the padding and filler. Maybe the bear from a blunt joke. I hurry up and sat in the car before the fire. The trunk was a dream idiot. Normally, he did not like the thick scabs of rust, and the lack of carpet, floor, upholstery and spare wheel. Simply put, it was empty, as the head of the owner of all this newfound strongly needed or desirous of sex charms.

 - You know Che? Let's not put it on the account as well? Here zavedёm night, probёm silencer for bling, and so, without numbers, we huyarit right and straight on the road Nicholas. And there - the sea! - I just could not get into with her practical advice.
 - Nihuya! I laid out five hundred bucks! Initiative, and I will travel. - Mazdets was proud and unbending. - Tomorrow, do not plan anything - going to the village to wash the mother-in purchase. - Said as a cut.

I forgot to specify that at all dislike Vitina style, I am still his friend and immediate creditor "payday". A guy he is sincere and mostly correct. In principle, with proper control of the situation, with it you can drink cheap "Ballantine's" and talk for life. It just so happened that leksusovody Vitya ignored because of his jacket (here's one minus the "elite" housing), and we - the neighbors on the landing. I though and much popizdet and postebatsya, but not a snob. I managed to eat gray pasta with margarine and to experience the hard way what a holiday without a piece of meat on the table. And yet, the wife of Vitina - Tanyuha brings the village wonderful rabbits and geese, and excellent contacts with my wife for culinary and horticulture issues. But it's so ... digression. Listen to this.


Former zombies shuffled in a padded jacket with a quilted lining, in the early morning of the spring month pupyrnatsatogo Mazdetsa into the courtyard of our house came director of disaster, the chief of panic and co-owner of earthquakes, Victor Mozgebuschy. The Romans believed that it means "winner". The winner was carefully shaved and thoughtful, and his glasses gleamed mysteriously. Throwing off the legendary jacket, Victor rushed to the attack and immediately zanyrnul under the hood of his ebalayki. But it was easier to restore Pompeii.

Three hours later, grubby bread slicer loomed in the focus of my door pupil fiercely nadrachivaya call. I did not pretend to be deaf and opened the door, letting the inevitable.
 - Starter. - The threshold he grunted and went - GUR bu-bu-bu-bu garbage. La-la-la and worn out battery should be charged. And oil in the ju-ju-ju fucking black. - Approximately sounded to me his revelations. I'm not an expert, and about his "Evo" I only know that he needs. For the rest, I rely on the mechanics. That is Vitina colleagues ... Blyayayayayayayaya!
 - Listen you fucking done and opened my eyes, but we go to the mother-in? Or you have not orgaznul under the hood? - I began to clarify the situation reasonably.
 - Yes, there dick! I say that la-la-la ju-ju-ju-tyts tyts-pyts and fuck! - Reminiscent of the Bulgarian language. The same feeling of familiar words, do not want to develop into meaningful phrases. This greatly angers.
 - Well komprende, caballero. - I plugged fountain fantastic new revelations and linguistic paradoxes.
 - Aah? - Victor rubbed his glasses - And come on, you're on my trailer dotyanesh?
 - And if you do not prick on the collar that Evolution is not a tow truck ?! - I said reasonably.
 - Since the test is ram flunked utretsa. - It was a sneaky hit in the balls with a frying pan. Kebab from baraninki I love nothing less than sushi or oysters.

At ten in the morning on the highway Belogorsk, rare, and motorists could see the surrounding tillers picture heroin arrival. Psychiatric emergency team switched to emergency mode. David Lynch and Salvador Dali would have pulled each other's sparse hair, fighting for the right to make this psychedelic by means of visual art. The milky white "Lancer Evolution" roaring turbine rapidly flew over the road. It was beautiful and aggressive as the snow leopard chasing game. Following swept the red-rusty "Mazda", all kind of making it clear that a hundred kilometers an hour for it is not the limit.

Mazda left turn signal blinking, frightening counter attempts dashing overtaking cars and round-eyed woman on the left, "driver's" seat. Few had time to notice that the car connects the two tow rope. And the fact that many took for trying to overtake - only to torment Viti nevebennym backlash steering, power steering lost its addition. Left turn signal has been part of the picture enabled emergency gang, but the right part of the composition did not want to blink. She had nothing.

In my own imagination it looked like this: I'm in a white coat with sequins,'ve stole, for some by a dick, red bucket of fire and shield his eyes bulging nesus him nowhere. From this pizdoprotivnoy poetic form, I was angry more and more. Whispering "dickhead on the collar! Dickhead on the collar! "I nervously pressed on the gas. My wife just presses deeper into the bucket seat. I can not imagine that experienced in the "Mazda" Tatiana. For Vitya, I was not worried. "Illogical hueputalo" - remember?

Around the turn on Zuyu (as I understand Julia Zueva when typing the name!), We tore the anchor. Tow rope burst and the "Evo", losing a bucket on a leash, rushed forward so that the teeth klatsnul and sucked eggs. I deal with this escape attempt. Muddle, we become attached again and get to the point of growing rural nishtyakov. My saying obscene or refrain sounded in my head, to the tune of manovarovskogo «Hail and kill».


Skewers was great. Above all praise. No other meat can not be compared with fresh lamb that bleated even some five hours ago. Fiery hot sauce and inexhaustible jar in red wine make it even tastier. Somewhere in the late afternoon, osolovev to indecency, we are still sitting in a green grape arbor, plastered with carved leaves early. I mindlessly pyrilsya on blooming lilies and a fantastic evening inhaling their scent. - We are actually participants unprecedented morning rally, minus the woman. Company diluted naturally Vitin test - Alexei Ivanovich, brother in law - Pasha, friend - aka Edward Edurasik local mechanic and tractor-Kohl.

The latter had not been asked. It will not no one ever called because vonyuchest. But he, like diarrhea, appeared suddenly and get rid of it was not possible in such a short period of time. I had to somehow endure, add an equal basis with everyone, to listen to his songs and hiding his nose when he spoiled the air by opening the mouth or the other end of the digestive tract. These lilies of the valley and the breeze slightly mitigated these emissions, but Colin body was inexhaustible. Inside it like a dachshund died two weeks ago.

No longer able to tolerate the garlic fetid fumes I threw the theme:
 - What guys? Do not look for us to swallow Vitina? - Pripizdev little, I gave the name of the tender red uёbischu, alluding to the logo "Mazda».
 - It would be nice to have it to start - lazily zagonoshilsya Edurasik.
 - Hrrmmm - vaguely grunted nikakashny owner huergi.
 - Ha! Yes, I easily! Bet on poltosu? - Nick is clearly interested.
 - Well then, this: propose the dispute for five hundred hohlorublikov that one could not revive her. For example, the time until midnight. Alexei Ivanovich, you bankuete - and I got to confirm his words bill with man-pan.
 - But if you, Nick, you lose, then I'll naked on the roof of your tractor, rolled up to the track and back. And you are still over the counter ass smile and play the accordion. - Neigh Pasha. Kohl had sent him, but he agreed. At that decided to do.

Colin accomplishment hitherto been fifty dollars, and seeing "pan", he instantly delivered us from the company. Ten minutes later he returned and rumbling, wheeled into the yard, a huge fucking wheelbarrow with tools. Mechanic spun around frantically fucking swallows singing the famous hit «Modern Talking». In his interpretation goes something like: "Jura - in Maine, ai-na-ne." I guffawed loudly and advised to start shaving your ass for the upcoming show. Kohl did not hesitate. He was in a battle trance, ready to dismember the corpse Mazdetsa iron. Flashed keys and screwdrivers.

By six o'clock in the evening under the hood there's nothing left.






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