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What not to blame a loved one
It is hardly possible to find a loving couple, where partners for a long time would do without reproaching each other. After all, it always seems like a way out when you blame the other person, whitewashing yourself. Many people forget that this is the way to destroy relationships.
And today's edition. "Site" It will talk about why reproaches poison even the most harmonious relationships and how to deal with it. Let’s see what experienced psychologists think about this.
It is acceptable, and even great, if both partners are willing to listen to each other’s criticism, consider it justified, and then change for the better. In this case, reproaches generate guilt, which turns into a point of growth, says psychotherapist Boris Shapiro.
However, in relationships, reproaches often become constant, thus forming an unhealthy strategy of family life. One partner tries to gain full power over the other.
“When a man is dissatisfied with everything, he wants others to live up to his expectations. And the more expectations are justified, the better he feels, explains psychologist Alexandra Suchkova.
Guilt is a simple way of shifting responsibility onto someone else’s shoulders, creating and protecting a narcissistic picture of a world where everyone is bad except you.
Blame shifting It makes you feel innocent. Both men and women use it. Especially often this resort when you want to have an affair on the side. Reproaches help to abandon a partner without remorse or drown out your own feelings of guilt after infidelity.
By trying to gain power over another person by devaluing him, the accuser admits to his own vulnerability. He admits he knows no other way to balance a relationship other than to make his partner doubt himself.
Is there a future for such a couple, where one trusts, and the other, using trust, hits sick spots? At some point, trust disappears, communication weakens and the union collapses, which can be considered a natural outcome.
“Sometimes attempts to make a person guilty lead to a dead end. I gave flowers to my wife, she began to suspect that you were trying to make amends. I didn't give it to you, too. A man becomes a hostage of the situation: no matter what he does, he will still be wrong. hear. And the best thing he can do is seriously think about whether he needs such a relationship, says Alexandra Suchkova.
Often there are cases of destructive criticism, when reproaches are poured out because of the traits of a person’s character, his origin, features of appearance, anything else that cannot be changed. And if the partner is not so happy, then what What's the point of a relationship That kind of thing?
How can you avoid becoming an accuser if reproach is bad? Firstly, psychologists advise not to generalize, not to try to “attract” all the previous ones to one partner’s mistake in order to integrate them into one system. Did the man forget to buy something? Do not rush to exclaim, “That’s it, as always!”, these words will only cause guilt.
Secondly, you need to be able to understand another point of view, because if the partner thinks differently, then this does not mean that he is wrong. It is necessary to develop the ability to respect other people’s borders. And if a person’s position causes rejection, then you can always analyze the feasibility of your requirements.
And finally, Alexander Suchkova recommends not to look for an ideal and not to idealize a partner, because overstatement It always becomes a problem. The ideal is a frozen mannequin, and life is a living fabric. And it is much more interesting to live the days, passing together through sorrows and joys, than to poison each other’s lives, finding out who is more guilty.
And today's edition. "Site" It will talk about why reproaches poison even the most harmonious relationships and how to deal with it. Let’s see what experienced psychologists think about this.
It is acceptable, and even great, if both partners are willing to listen to each other’s criticism, consider it justified, and then change for the better. In this case, reproaches generate guilt, which turns into a point of growth, says psychotherapist Boris Shapiro.
However, in relationships, reproaches often become constant, thus forming an unhealthy strategy of family life. One partner tries to gain full power over the other.
“When a man is dissatisfied with everything, he wants others to live up to his expectations. And the more expectations are justified, the better he feels, explains psychologist Alexandra Suchkova.
Guilt is a simple way of shifting responsibility onto someone else’s shoulders, creating and protecting a narcissistic picture of a world where everyone is bad except you.
Blame shifting It makes you feel innocent. Both men and women use it. Especially often this resort when you want to have an affair on the side. Reproaches help to abandon a partner without remorse or drown out your own feelings of guilt after infidelity.
By trying to gain power over another person by devaluing him, the accuser admits to his own vulnerability. He admits he knows no other way to balance a relationship other than to make his partner doubt himself.
Is there a future for such a couple, where one trusts, and the other, using trust, hits sick spots? At some point, trust disappears, communication weakens and the union collapses, which can be considered a natural outcome.
“Sometimes attempts to make a person guilty lead to a dead end. I gave flowers to my wife, she began to suspect that you were trying to make amends. I didn't give it to you, too. A man becomes a hostage of the situation: no matter what he does, he will still be wrong. hear. And the best thing he can do is seriously think about whether he needs such a relationship, says Alexandra Suchkova.
Often there are cases of destructive criticism, when reproaches are poured out because of the traits of a person’s character, his origin, features of appearance, anything else that cannot be changed. And if the partner is not so happy, then what What's the point of a relationship That kind of thing?
How can you avoid becoming an accuser if reproach is bad? Firstly, psychologists advise not to generalize, not to try to “attract” all the previous ones to one partner’s mistake in order to integrate them into one system. Did the man forget to buy something? Do not rush to exclaim, “That’s it, as always!”, these words will only cause guilt.
Secondly, you need to be able to understand another point of view, because if the partner thinks differently, then this does not mean that he is wrong. It is necessary to develop the ability to respect other people’s borders. And if a person’s position causes rejection, then you can always analyze the feasibility of your requirements.
And finally, Alexander Suchkova recommends not to look for an ideal and not to idealize a partner, because overstatement It always becomes a problem. The ideal is a frozen mannequin, and life is a living fabric. And it is much more interesting to live the days, passing together through sorrows and joys, than to poison each other’s lives, finding out who is more guilty.
