Hold me in your arms and... goodbye Bashny.Net

Probably each of us have met people whose behavior is when you try to approach them, seems contradictory.

For example, people seem very interested in communication and reaches out to you, and after a moment, he seems to be not with you. Or, on the contrary, it seems suspended, and then "suddenly" live without you can not and you want to move, have more space in the relationship, not responsible for another person's life.

Someone may recognize in this description, and himself.





We will talk about the conflict between intimacy with others and their own separateness.

Good, not common case, a person attentive to him and feels when he needs a friend, and when contact is enough and he needs to be alone to process what happened in touch, to listen to ourselves, discover the following their need.

In a perfect, but nonexistent scenario, this man not only discovers its need, but each time successfully implementing it without fear to move away or approach in accordance with their own impulses.

There is this option because not every meeting, not every interaction that we have the power to start and complete at any moment, in mid-sentence, without words.

First, from the existence of social norms and requirements, and secondly, and mainly, perhaps, there is another person, whose needs can and likely are different.

But if we want good relationships, and especially close, we can't repeatedly ignore the other and his needs, as well existing in a common space, like our own.

And this is where we, depending on the extent of mental health experience within a conflict: whom to choose, him or herself? Stay close, because he needs to and he is dear to us, though we ourselves be enough? Or try to hold him next, although he wants to leave, but we need another?

In most cases, of course, we all do not think, and the choice committed unconsciously, often in the way, and the choice that we used to do in such situations. The difficulty begins where the action is (proximity or distance) is not satisfying. For example, I want intimacy, but run away, I want one, but stick out of fear that the partner will disappear while I'm separate. In the end, dissatisfaction with contact time after time and reduction of interest to another.

Automatic, habitual elections in this context may be two:

1. I'm staying, when I've had enough.

So we talked, well and happy, and the partner as it demonstrates a desire to continue. Or not willing to continue — no matter. And I'm staying. Frequent motives in this place: a sense of guilt — "suddenly hurt", "take care of him", to give more of something, suddenly he needs, or simply "he needs".

On the other hand can appear the anxiety and fear that more of this warm/joyful/pleasant/sincere (choose your) communication does not work, it was an accident. In the depths of the often — strong accumulated deficit of warmth and closeness and have little or no experience, that I somehow influence and are able to arrange such contact, or at least the possibility in the future. Hence the attempt to get for all that many years is not enough, right now while give.

As survivors of military famine, bought buckwheat in amounts and for life-do not eat.

Such "sticking" and trying to get over the last famine, even now when I have enough. While give. While not taken. Anxiously, hurriedly, already rather painfully and without pleasure.

And then surprise how such a nice contact left unpleasant feelings. Yes, just you ate too much.

If you are on the other side of this interaction, then that one has overeaten, you at some point can feel literally "othernum" from you. Because when there is a "sticky", the contact ceases to be alive, interchange pretty quickly into a donation. From this, too, can sometimes be fun, but different.

2. Another popular story: I need more communication/support/warmth of the hug, but I step back before partner enough or noticing the slightest indication that he was less active (often "symptoms" are detected, interpreted by brain as needed very quickly and sometimes where there are none).

Frequent motives: "do not bother", "don't want too much", "be nice and not demanding in communication", not to show and not feel the discontent that was not enough, along with this filled with gratitude for what has already been received.

Deeper often lies a fear of rejection, fear that my needs are not important, not valuable and cannot be satisfied, and I myself am nazanin and not worthy of good.

And then, in order not to face again this pain, the best choice will be out of contact before partner. But along with this there is an internal desire to partner proved that he is not leaving. But he can't. Because it's not true. He'll be gone. When he will have a different need.

If you are a partner of such a person, you may feel that you have rejected, to experience frustration, resentment and even anger from what it seems he needs, like you have something to give, but to get closer is impossible.

And then there is a big risk to turn the tables and make a few from the first part, where you will "get stuck" in these attempts to give, the partner will feel hunted.

Everything I describe can be weakly or strongly expressed, to be played in the relationship in whole or in part, depending on the degree of personality disturbance: the neurotically organized person spagina, than that of the individual, operating predominantly at the edge, brighter.

These "stuck" and advancing the rejection of one and the same process: when the person has a strong and long-standing need something from the other (support, warmth, acceptance, love). Need accumulated, possibly years, and not in those, now real, relationships.

But his experience is that those who were supposed to meet this need by status, role, place in life, are unable. By virtue of personality, whether of limitations or life circumstances, it doesn't matter.

Along with this too often comes next are not the words of confidence, "if I wasn't given anything important and necessary, so I'm not good enough and valuable to get it".

The child learns about the fact of its existence, its values and its right and power to affect relationships how satisfied his needs a significant adult. Yes, all again rests on the parents and their imperfections.

Therefore, the "stiction" and rejection, trying to "catch a piece of the partner" and fear to be rejected, the two sides of the same coin. But in every period of life and therapy dominated by one.

• Accelerated rejection is often present where there is no hope and the need is not recognized, and the crumbs that fall, are experienced as a gift or an accident.
• Stuck is when there is hope to meet the primary deficit.

In therapy, these stages are following each other: we are reviving their hopes only to finally experience the pain of loss. The pain then to deal was impossible.

And the pain, frustration, neediness of relationships with parents, come to life each time in a moment when we gain heat. And along with them comes alive the pain of self-necinnosti.

And this pain is almost impossible to be. And then, either sticking or flight.

Not a particularly rosy picture turns out. Legitimate question, is consonant with the verse:

"Hey, uh, do what? Words to collect from the ice floes?" V. Polozkova

You can call it that. Will have to save up resource to face pain. Over and over again. To cry. To believe that will become easier. To take little. Not to overeat.

To see that the last deficit will never be filled. And this will have to live. And collect from these ice floes of the past other words: "I am valuable, good. I want to take the heat that I need. I am."

It is hard and long, but worth it.published

 

Author: Anastasia Umanskaya

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: anastasiya-um.livejournal.com/235803.html?thread=2065179