Professor of Education, the founder of a private school, a fighter with nonsense in the education system, Dmitry Zitser, had a terrific lecture devoted to education in the wording detey.My
Website have tried to cut a fairly large outline of this lecture, but nothing came of it: every Council has value, it is a pity expunged most important thing! Therefore, we publish a summary of the whole. In it you will surely find answers to many questions related to the education of children. Links to other positions Dmitry published on the Website , we added to the end of the article. Happy reading!
Root Parent Trap h2> Dima Zitser: Recently, I was in London and gave a lecture on the philosophy of pedagogy, about the latest research. The man who came to the lecture with a 15-year-old daughter, said afterwards: "Dima, well, this is something understandable. But how do I get her to button ?! "At that moment I realized that not talking about that. So let's just start with the specific topics that interest you, such as "how to make a child to button».
- How to raise a child, that he was an independent person, including in conflict situations?
I do not know you're paying attention or not, but in many languages, the word "educate" the word "grow". There's almost no phrase "I bring up a child." Language dictates certain limits of behavior. "Grow" - ensure that the child is properly fed and so on. "Educate" - to invent behaviors that a child must comply. When you ask how to raise, you are just a few traps.
Trap One: Do you think that you have something of a child to bring up, because they have heard that it should be done, and spent a lot of time reading clever books (someone told me today that reads all the publications in the the theme of pedagogy - a fact sheet, sorry!). But ask yourself: where the same Dima Zitser knows how me to be with the man I love, with whom I spend a lot of time with which I have probably a lot to do and with which there are sometimes conflicts? The first trap puts parents in a rigid framework. Here was born a man, you have him tied some kind of relationship, but you have little idea what to do with it. You throw it to educate!
This activity draws you in like a funnel stronger and stronger. And you get into the second trap - the trap of public opinion. Imagine the situation: a neighbor child began to write in a pot in a year! Imagine what success? But my child is not pissing in a pot a year. Theoretically, I should not care about the neighbor forty times, because next to me is my favorite people - my child, whom I have been doing and with whom I have my own relationship. But instead of this happening to me? I fall into the trap - it is clear, in any. Or I go with the child on the stairs, we both have a wonderful mood, he jumps on one leg, singing, and here comes that same neighbor and yelled at him: "Why are you shouting ?!" And welcome to this moment I could just say in her ear: "I'm sorry. We have already come out. " No, I begin to make strange things. Nod, who knew what.
I walk along the wonderful summer park with the child to his mother (his grandmother) for lunch. We are getting closer and closer to my mother's house. We have a wonderful mood. And at the exit of the park, he says, "Dad, buy ice cream!" What we usually say in such cases? As a general rule: "Thou shalt not eat lunch!" At this moment in my head as though something has shifted. I just walked through the park with your loved one, we were all very good, we felt happy, and suddenly I "switched" his mother, or a neighbor, or the teacher and began to carry nonsense. In fact, after the child eats ice cream to soup, it probably will not be able to make independent decisions in the future will not be able to participate in the conflict and out of them a winner. Do you want to make the absurdity of the situation in the park interchange? Replace the beloved child.
- But she's grown!
And this is that it is an adult? Why do we think that the beloved adult and sort herself, and the child himself will not understand?
- for a child, we have a responsibility, and an adult man for himself.
That's right, let the girl, stupid and dying from ice cream, gorged itself after the soup!
- adult man himself in a position to predict the results of their actions.
And he naprognoziruet? What he will not eat soup after the ice cream? It is not excluded. Maybe it wants to, can, will not. Most of us adults, are willing to put relations with their beloved child on the altar ... knows what! I'm not sure that the child's grandmother reached the highest peak of pleasure when her grandson eats soup. That's all there is more in this conflict nothing.
How to protect your child from the "white death» h2> 
- to feed the child ice cream is bad!
Let's continue this path to hell together. And what would happen if he would eat ice cream?
- He does not eat soup, and so hungry later.
And you certainly do not give him food. Let me five or seven years. And because of that I want ice cream, I have to listen to a lecture about my grandmother's future parent mood, the long way home and her mother's fantasies. Because it's absolute fantasy: mother, like Cassandra already knows in advance, I will want to have an hour or two will not.
- If your child will eat only ice cream, in a year it will have diabetes.
Why such a strange fantasy that the child will eat only ice cream? If you want your child to eat only sweet, it will first need to learn. Man by nature tend to have very different food. But the easiest way to plant for dessert - give him candy as a reward. That is, start to behave like a child with a dog and after a while get a predictable result: he would start to behave like a dog. None of these children will only eat ice cream if it all the time to buy it!
- If a child says he wants to sniff glue or drink jar of gasoline?
Notice how quickly we went to an ice cream on the glue! Do you have a fear that once the parents turn their backs, the children first of all decide to drink a bottle of gasoline. To deal with this fear, if not you yourselves?
The children did not want to drink any gasoline or sniff glue. Everything what they had learned at first, they definitely learned from their parents. In order that the child has decided to sniff glue, you need someone to snuff with him for a couple. Some would say that at school there are such enthusiasts. To which I answer: you can not teach a child not to sniff glue, but you exactly the strength to teach him something else. If the child - the manipulator, think about how he knew how to manipulate. After all, he was born to love, and this is not the pathos!
- But my grandmother, being old, half of the last forces cooked this soup and ice cream after the child has already will not. After all, we had agreed to go with the child to visit her and dine. In its efforts to give a damn?
Okay, my grandmother cooked. Its terribly sorry. So eat her soup, buddy! You're trying to tell me now that you have a difficult relationship with your mother. Maybe you, not the child to resolve them? You do not have to lump together with her mother and the relationship with the child. If you know that your mother is offended when a child refuses to borscht, tell him the truth, however bitter it may be, like you yourselves have been taught as a child. "Listen, I have a complicated relationship with her mother. I'm afraid of her. I was tempted to make you hostage to their own fears. Baby, help me get out of this shit! "- Here and tell your child. Maybe the child eventually decides to have ice cream after the soup, or maybe does not want to. It is his decision and his stomach.
What if the child does not want to learn h2> - For example, I see off a child to school, and that's on the very threshold, he would tell me: "There is something I do not want to. On the carousel would be now! "What to?
The school is more important than the carousel?
- yes!
Who told you that? You go to work cursing, through the power - and even if the child is suffering from an early age, right? If your child is reaching school age, she said that the school dull and nothing to do, and in the bustling amusement park, the conclusion is obvious: it is necessary to urgently change the school. Otherwise, you are sending a loved one to kill life in the bleak entire school for eleven years! At that time, he becomes a hostage of your fantasies.
- There is an educational method by which it is necessary to allow the child to do nothing, and live as they feel comfortable. And how long before, as long as he wants to go to school?
The fact that people do not want to do what he does not like, does not mean that he does not want to do anything. Only the body does not want. The man knows exactly what he wants to do. Even a child. It is difficult to catch the baby to a complete standstill. Even if he was lying on the couch, it's about something thinks. Want to give it a new skill? Well, let. Next is the parent begins, "I do not like what he was doing. I have my own ideas about what is best to do it. " How, I wonder, do you know what he will do better?
A child is born incredibly curious. He throws toys out of the crib and watches as they fall down. He pours the sauce and begins to draw them on the table picture. But then it comes to other people - big size - and start talking strange phrases like "curious Varvara's nose torn off in the market." The child does not always understand the meaning of words, but the overall picture it is clear: do not call him to be curious. Then they come to me the parents of such a child and say, "Our studies in second grade, and in general are not interested in anything!" I usually answer to a "How did you do it?»
Popular Russian obsession called a "must read": who does not read, he will not be successful. The easiest way to make a child interested in reading - to read with him. Seeing that my mother instead of watching "KVN" Leafs Turgenev (just not with aypada!), He realizes that it is a great pleasure. But if a parent lies on the couch with a bottle of beer in front of a TV set or on the phone, playing a computer game or busy with work and tells him: "Go read it" - then there child cognitive dissonance. Like this: Dad says that reading is a wonderful occupation, but I never caught him off guard him?
The same cognitive dissonance occurs when I order the child to button. I'm at this point translates the idea that it should be cold. It is something at this moment knows exactly what he's hot, but suitable dad and said, "Are you cold!" For the child's father is still respected. He zastegnetsya, because he believes the pope, but does not believe himself. Today the first thing I was asked to teach a child how to be an independent person. For a start it would be nice that he could decide when it is cold and when hot. I do not believe it, but people from birth to understand this. Amazing property for a man of small size, is not it?
How to wean a child from gaming and jam the phone h2> - How to deal with iPads, which now play almost all the children? How to limit the games, if the child sees everywhere playing peers?
In our childhood aypadov it was not, so we do not know what it is - to grow with them. The plates are the parent of fear. But what to do? We can not force the children to a regime of our childhood. Personally, I have not seen any distinct research proves that tablets are harmful to children. And in order to keep contact with the child under the supervision of a gadget and think of all the details, be with your child. Also play. Go to its territory. Be interested in what your children are interested in - this rule is as old as the world.
- One boy was fond of shooters and stolen from their parents five thousand rubles to put into your account. His dependence on the shooters!
The very situation in which the child is forced to steal money that he likes, looks wild. On the dependence of the shooters say this. Such games when you have to run down the hall and someone to "rub out" usually pretty dull and mechanical. If you do not want your child to play too much, I offer him no less interesting alternative! You would say, "Go lessons to be done" - a good alternative, do not say anything. When year-old child selflessly, over and over again, throwing objects on the floor - he admiringly observes the law of universal gravitation in action. In physics, his place in the seventh grade. After only thirteen years after man discovered this law, the subject seems to him to be inappropriate and unnecessary, because a spectacle of falling objects he can get used to. But consider how the law of gravity and other things from the physics more interesting than a computer game!
The child does not communicate with their peers - they both have buried in their phones. Think about where this child has learned to "communicate", someone spied on? Perhaps adults. He snaps a model of behavior, which implies that sit on the phone often safer and more fun than to enter into direct relationship with the person. In order that the child broke away from the gadget, there must be something more interesting than a gadget. Agree, this is because in the case of working with adults. Here you see the evening show, and one eye looked in the phone, the post something on Facebook. At some point you put off your phone. Or maybe not to postpone and go on probably the most interesting in the world. Nod, who themselves learned.
In bad situations get our children without us. On the way they meet a huge number of people who make their lives worse. On the contrary, in their way it will not be so many people who take them for what they are, without indemnity conditions. Maybe these people for them will you parents?
How not to cry, and how not to drill h2> - How to set limits for your child?
Write on a piece of paper a list of what your child, you think you can not do. Just do it alone, without involving the wife, let him write his list. Instead write, why do not be listed. Just be honest! At this stage, many "impossible" withdrew from the list. It becomes clear that the list is dictated by your personal boundaries - that it is impossible for you personally. Restrictions are formed through the contract. One can endlessly insist that there can not be sweet, but it's not a way to limit your intake of sweets. To begin, place the sweet within reach and endured the week. The child will not be able to eat some sweets and always ask for something else. In addition, tell me what you really, genuinely afraid for his health, because there is such a disease - diabetes. Believe me, you will be heard.
- A duties as instill?
For example, a child toys scattered on your bed. You say that it is to remove them. What for? Then, what are you going to go, because you want to sleep. You can offer to clean them together and bring them to the nursery. People do not live duties. They live motivations, the mechanism of generation which is much more difficult.
- How not to scream at the child?
She told me a strange story, one familiar to St. Petersburg. A perfect autumn day she went with her son in a streetcar on the Anichkov Bridge, on which the sculptural group "Horse Tamers" Klodt. The mood she was terrific. "So I pulled the damn language, - she says - ask him who the author of these sculptures." Half a minute later, she found herself screaming at her child, because he did not give her the author. Maybe not know, maybe I forgot - it does not matter. You see how it turns out: just go to the tram and to love his mother is not enough - that my mother want you to simultaneously developed and studied the history of the city.
There was a question: "Why did you do that?" Do you think she knows why? Of course not. That did not stop it on the fly to come up with a motive for his action: "Well, how do we live in such a beautiful city, so my child will certainly need to know ..." Before she started screaming at her son with her in the bus, something happened . It can not of its "enable" her own baby. It turned out that a second before you start yelling, she felt an ache in the lower back.
Whenever happens to us the so-called breakdown, we feel it physically. Remember how you start screaming.
