Do we cripple love their children

"Youth gone wrong" — grumbles the older generation. If we proceed from this idea, the impression that we, everywhere you look, surrounded by effeminate men, zakuklivsheysya in the virtual world of 'pros', emancipated and hysterical girls, who dream only about how quickly to marry a rich "daddy". Not to mention alcoholics and drug addicts.

The nation degenerates? Of course not.

But the question of how to raise children, especially relevant today. Eyes run from a variety of "progressive" techniques. And parents go to extremes. Some allow their children almost everything and then wonder that by adulthood, the child is generally not well-adjusted.

Others, on the contrary, make every effort to download it in full, believing that the main task — to reveal the many talents of his son, not thinking about what is actually deprived of his childhood. In fact, and in another case the intentions of the parents are good, but they "zalyublivayut" their children so that they don't notice how they ruin them. And is there a happy medium? Today we will discuss this difficult question with a psychotherapist Andrey Metelsky.


Who is it?

Andrey Metelsky solves the problem of fathers and children for more than a dozen years. By education he is a pediatrician, adolescent psychotherapist, sexologist, besides Gestalt-trainer, certified trainer of the center INTC, co-founder of the Institute of contemporary NLP. List of honours of our companion can be quite long. But is it necessary? A conversation with Andrew from the start was difficult, uncomfortable and a little intimidating. Try to try his thoughts and experience for themselves. We are confident that they will make you look at your life completely on the other side.

— First things first. Do we cripple love their children?

— In order to understand this complex topic, let's define the basic concepts. I'm afraid many parents will take them, for sure it will be unpleasant. The parents of the children do not like. What is meant by the term "love of children" in everyday life and in psychology, is affection. Love is a kind of internal state that is simply is, I can live with it, but it anyone can not be sent. So, love can be to someone or something. Therefore, what we throughout our life experience in relation to their children is affection, and it is akin to attachment to the bottle, cigarettes and so on.


The parents love the child, the parents love themselves in the child. We all strive to ensure that our offspring have become successful in those areas where we failed. What kind of toys we give to the child? Most often those who do not have played in childhood. The same way we love ourselves in some kind of car, hanging on her spoilers, making tuning and showing off to friends: "Look at my cool car!" Same way we love a spouse — not of the individual, and himself in it: "Look at that leggy blonde goes with me. She's not so cool, and I'm cool, because she chose me." Of course, I'm exaggerating, but...

To love a child, we must first learn to love yourself. In part, this is pretty cliche, but most people do not understand its depth. The trouble is that we don't love, and here is a paradox: how is it possible in this case to love someone, because you simply can not model behavior! Loving yourself is clearly aware of their needs and not to replace them with substitutes and dependencies. For example, I now have a need for attention — and I'll go look for that attention, instead of to smoke or drink. If we begin to squander the money, it means only one thing — that we unconsciously feel the lack of samolubny and try again surrogate to repair. If I love myself, I, by and large, almost nothing. It will be a statement very close to the truth. No wonder the Buddha said: a person born with everything he needs.

And here's another unpleasant fact: give birth to children because of a single motivation — the fear of death. If we were immortal, then most likely, there would be no families, no children. Why? Because then there is no point in thinking that you may remember, it is not necessary to think about the "trace of you left".

So we have babies in order to continue in them, to surrogate immortality. That is why we start "salubritate" sons and daughters against their will to give in an endless, completely unnecessary to them mug section, in the cause of their total control. And like we want to be successful, but in fact it is not. Because, if you look impartially, we are trying to replace their vision of their unique life. We cannot admit that the son or daughter is a completely different person, and you desperately want to see in them a continuation of a loved one. We are ready to maim the child the rest of his life, if only for a little while to prolong the existence on the planet of the particles themselves as individuals.

— Once the topic that we are discussing, from the start has grown to a universal scale...

— On the scale consider a simple example. When you come into any contact with the child, ask yourself the question: what do I do now, is to ensure that he was successful, or so I was calm or amuse your ego? By and large, this is the only question that should be asked of parents when they are engaged in education. I think 80-90 percent of us will find the strength to confess: we primarily think of their own comfort.


Let's start with the simplest things. When our three to four year old toddler climbs in the courtyard on the slides and swings, we are constantly tergiver it. Based on what? Primarily based on your own comfort. Yes, the child may fall and hurt itself. But it's his life! How else will he get the basic correct knowledge about the world, not having filled their bumps and bruises? Of course, everything is good within reasonable limits. Knowing from experience that some action is guaranteed to lead to injury, we warn them. If you respect a child, then such restrictions will not be much.


— What about the maternal instinct, a heart that aches for their child?

— What I'm talking about. Not the son you think, but about her heart. And while trying to replace the child his life. The classic metaphor for modern education — a cry in the sandbox: "Senya, come home!" — "Mom, am I cold?" "No, you're hungry!"Parents have better child know what he needs. But it is not so! Every child is born as an individual, he has his own mission on this earth, his destiny. This mission can not know, but it is hard child's "educability". Nonsense!

Love implies respect. I respect any decision. Yes, I can imagine that this decision could lead to not very good consequences, and I will warn him about it.

And will allow you to choose?

— Now, right here is the main error. Allow to choose is once again to dispose of the property. I repeat: I respect his choice. Linguistically it is very precisely reflected.

— The child says, "I'm tired of school, I don't want to go there..."

— Do not let go!

— Can you imagine the consequences?

— I had such teenagers. They consciously abandoned the school and I have recommended to parents not to let them get on with it. For example, a bright situation. The teenager was in each class for two years, were losers, fighting, were totally out of control. After training, a mother came home and gave him the responsibility for his life. That is said, do as you see fit. He's in the same day gone from school. A week later he got a job, and a month later at their own request have the papers to night school. The guy well earned, was ultimately an excellent student, and today he is a famous Director in Moscow. He was given responsibility for his life, and he built it the way I wanted...

— That is, parents should not think that they can act as a "deterrent"?

— I spent many years working with families — parents and children. I can tell you: if the child respect and understand that he should be given the right to their own development, he always grows a brilliant, creative, flexible. A smart parent needs to be very careful to watch what I want baby. If my son two years liked to sit on my hands and count the passing cars, I stayed with it for 20-40 minutes, understanding that in the future it will do him good. When my son went to first grade, he was put in mind of a two-digit number.

Some of the parents bother the child the whole day running around like a fool with a stick. Parents, it's great! Remember yourself as a child! Found stick for a child is the whole world: a spear, a gun, pilot a plane and much more. Why do we force the child found on the street a stick, then throw it? He thanks her peace builds, creates, develops imagination and intellect.

The world of child psychology is really a very interesting thing. I'll even tell you that Ghost or non-existing friends with whom your child communicates, it is far not nonsense. Why we categorically declare that we have nothing? For a child is, it is thanks to these "phantom" metaphorically develops, learns, gets rid of some of their fears. Even I, as a therapist, do not always know what is the problem faced by the child's brain, thinking himself some allies.


— Do not escalate sooner or later, the respect of choice in permissiveness?


— In psychology there is the concept of internal and external references — it is the polarity that we build in their system of values and system of values, which influences us from the outside. A child must be taught internal references. Collecting information externally, it needs to be able to make the decision yourself. To learn this, he can only in practice, feeling the freedom. Here is an example on fingers, again from my personal life. To his son I give pocket money. We went to the store with cakes. I see that the child is a pleasure not only to eat sweet, but also independently calculate the required amount to get her out of her purse. And now the clerk says to the son: "Look, kid, this is the most delicious cake with cottage cheese!" Son raises her eyes and says, "Thanks, but I actually know how to read". At this point I realized that doing everything right that he has internal reference. Even if he will be offered drugs, it is unlikely that this ride: he learned how to make my own decisions.

Internal reference gives a great deal, sometimes completely non-obvious things. For example, allows you to stay healthy: don't we just lead on "advertising" flu. When I worked as a pediatrician, noticed an interesting trend: the flu epidemic starts in a week once in the newspaper and subway advertising went anti-influenza drugs. People without internal references, reading the symptoms, already ready for him, set on them. And here's the disease appeared!


Inner freedom, of course, implies a certain framework. Remember the basic rule of life which is preached to hippies in the seventies of the last century? "Do what you like without disturbing others". In my opinion, it is the right idea. The child should explain that his freedom ends where starts the freedom of another person.


— Now very fashionable Tibetan model of upbringing of the child, which States that up to five years have to treat him like a king, with five to ten — as a slave, and after ten — as equals. The time frame can vary, but the General idea is clear. How do you feel about that?

Here it should be understood that in some questions the child is simply no basis upon which to make decisions. Therefore it is necessary to wonder: and before all to let you discuss what is right and what is not? You beat the situation, told about the consequences of an act? Without this base inner freedom once again still grows in permissiveness.

It is, in fact, a huge disaster. Parents often talk about the problems in communication with children, while they are not talking to yourself! My position in this regard is clear: with the child it is necessary to speak on equal terms, not Suzuka from the first minutes of life. And don't tell me that baby talk is an expression of endearment. Know how children understand that they are loved? Only one way — through the eyes. And now a question for parents: how often do you communicate with children, looking them in the eye with love? A large part of the communication looks like this: the child mutters something, and we answer him through the shoulder. We are physically located at different levels: above, child below. Equality and understanding can be said? Why are you surprised that in the end the child stops you to hear?

Go ahead. Let's think: when most parents look into the eyes of the child? That's right — when criticized. Like, you've done something, now look me in the eye. The most important channel of communication becomes an instrument of suppression. Logically, then at the reception, but everywhere I see people who try not to see you look. It comes from my childhood! The channel closed, moreover, created a negative anchor:"If I look in the eyes, so now will expose you."

If you criticize the child turn around. Not in vain had put in the corner.

Now practical advice. How to create a basis for making a child's decisions? He asks a question, you stoop to the level of his eyes (or put it on the table) and conduct equal dialogue.

When I worked as a therapist in clinic to me very often resulted in children who stutter. In 80% of cases I could actually help the same simple advice. As soon as the child turned to you, drop everything and listen to it carefully: more in this moment for you in the world nothing exists!


Stuttering is most often not fear, as they say grandmas who need to earn money, and frustration with the child's communication. He wants to convey to the parents the idea, ask a question and don't hear him. Or listen to, but only the beginning of the monologue (which happens more often). And so the child, trying to catch up to speak, says faster, but his vocal apparatus is still not fully formed. So he begins to stutter. And then it went in a circle, like a snowball. The child stutters, speaks more slowly, parents still do not listen to him and so on.


So in most cases, parents who had the wisdom and patience to fulfill this simple condition, removed stuttering for a maximum of a month.

Children do not carry nonsense, they are wise and I strongly recommend to listen carefully to them. What kind of love a child can say, if we don't respect his opinion, his thoughts, his world. Let us think that all a child asks is commonplace, remember that for him the world is a series of discoveries. Do not put in the forefront "learning" concentrate their forces on the "listen."

— What signs in a child's behaviour should make parents worry?

— Any. It scares me that in our enlightened age, many parents believe that a nervous TIC, enuresis, and stuttering is a disease, have no relation to the psychological health of the child. I believe that any disease of a child is a reason to wonder, "What am I doing wrong? What is happening in our relationship?" In the vast majority of children are very healthy and strong creatures that "go disease" in the first place because of psychological problems.


Of course, I treat anxiety symptoms and any behavioral things that go beyond recognized in the society rules. In short, if you just don't like something the child should go to a therapist or psychologist to understand the situation.


By and large, it turns out that the experts have to go almost all the parents?

Yes. And all because the country has no Institute of proper education, we are not taught how to be parents. So all the "schools" that were in the relationship with our parents, we project onto their children, adding their own. And in the majority of cases work with the psychiatrist needs is the parents and not the children. In all my many years of working in children and adolescent psychiatric clinic I rarely come across cases where it was necessary to purposefully work with the child. Often it was enough to adjust the behavior of parents. The child is light, an indication that the family is something wrong. Sense to treat it there until conditions have changed in the family. Otherwise it will with the text that I typed on the computer, printed it and found errors. Instead of correcting these errors, I with persistence of the maniac continue to bring new copies to the printer in the hope that this will rectify the situation...

— Can a parent look at their actions impartially and to adjust something yourself?

— Of course not. The system cannot change itself, changing it only within. The perfect solution — work with a specialist. As an option: seek advice from a person worthy of your trust, which is successful in dealing with their children.


— As far as kindergarten and school help in the upbringing of children?


— Does not help. We, the parents, caregivers and teachers have long been confused and forgot two simple things. School and kindergarten — learn, family — raising. These two areas should not overlap. And I personally believe that the school has no right to educate your child, and you don't have to do his homework. When I was at the parent meeting explaining how to fill in a particular notebook, I wondered, "why are you telling me this? Discuss with your son: he is a disciple". I withdrew from the learning process, and as practice showed, it is very useful. Teachers were initially shocked by such a position, but very soon they realized that I was adamant, and we find a common language.

I'm not saying completely indifferent to what is happening in the school the child. If he asks me for help with homework, I'll do what I can. But only in this case. I don't check the diaries at the time, explained the eldest, and how to forge his signature, and did not know troubles. Not that I taught the child to lie, I just explained to him that in the modern world there are conventions that we have to abide by. No matter how stupid they may be.

By the way, I do believe that if you attend a PTA meeting, then definitely with child. It's his school, his life, his problems. How can we discuss them without someone for whom it matters most?

School and kindergarten, in addition to education, in part perform only one function — socialization of the child. It provides models of how to interact with other people, with society, with authority. Those models, which sometimes are built in our institutions of education, a healthy and normal I don't think. So the compromise with the school have to have the most formal.


— Parents are afraid that their child will fall into bad company, as a result, crime and drugs. Are there any practical tips to reduce risks?


If such issues arise, you already crushed your child, completely suppressed his identity. Remember what we talked about: if you bring in your child for internal reference, in any company, he will be the leader, and the fear that somebody will be affected, should not arise at all.

If the internal reference is missing, the only thing I can offer is training with the professionals. You have to learn to transfer to the child responsibility for his life, then, in my experience, everything is back to normal: the son or daughter will begin to think about the consequences, and in this case, they usually leave bad companies.

And remember that the drugs in the child's life appear when there is no mutual respect in the family is an attempt of total control by the parents. After all, those who sell drugs, purposefully looking for such troubled Teens and offer them "freedom". Freaky in the company and in sect tighten as? A man says: "Here you are accepted the way you are". Imagine how creepy it sounds to parents? That is, they are your child so do not perceive? It turns out that the way it is.

For some it will be news that after five years of a child are formed and to influence its nature we can very indirectly. What to do? First, it is useless to feel guilty about missed opportunities. Take the situation philosophically, I would say karmically, what you could do, you did. And now give their children responsibility for their own lives. Do it in stages, if scary at once. That is, if you handed the responsibility for washing dishes, cups and mugs son or daughter you no longer wash. If handed the responsibility of cleaning the room, the more you will never look at it to check for the presence of chaos and never remind you about cleaning.

At first, the mess in the room will believe me. The first time you will have to check how sincerely you handed over the responsibility? And when the understanding that all seriously would come (it takes usually from two weeks to two months), the child will make the decision how to live further. If the rest of the house is kept clean, and dishes washed, with almost absolute certainty can be argued that in the baby's room at some wonderful day you will see changes for the better. Perhaps it will be a different arrangement, not close to you. This will be his order, and his it will be comfortable. But it's exactly what we want? published

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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