How to raise a child without the tedious "education"

Doctor of pedagogical sciences, the founder of a private school, a fighter with the nonsense in the education system, Dima Zitser, had a terrific lecture devoted to education in the wording detey.My Website have tried to cut a fairly large outline of the lecture, but it did not work: each board has value, it is a pity expunged most important thing! Therefore, we publish the summary of the whole. In it you will surely find answers to many questions related to the education of children. Links to other posts Dima, published in the Website , we added at the end. Happy reading!

main traps for roditeleyDima Zitser: I was recently in London and gave a lecture on the philosophy of pedagogy, about the latest research. The man who came to the lecture with a 15-year-old daughter, said afterwards: "Dima, well, this is something clear. But how do I get her to button ?! "At that moment I realized that not talking about that. So let's just start with the specific topics that interest you, such as "how to make a child to button»

-. How to nurture a child, that he was an independent person, including in conflict situations?

I do not know, you pay attention to it or not, in many languages, the word "educate" the word "raise". There's almost no phrase "I bring up a child." Language dictates certain limits of behavior. "Rast" - ensure that the child is properly fed and so on. "Educate" - to come up with a model of behavior, which the child must match. When you ask, how to raise, you are just a few traps.

Trap one: do you think that you have something of a child to bring up, because they have heard that it should be done, and spent a lot of time reading clever books (someone I said today that reads all the publications in pedagogical theme - it's brutal, sorry!). But ask yourself: where the same Zitser Dima knows how to me to be with the man I love, with whom I spend enormous amounts of time, which I probably have much in common and that there are sometimes conflicts? The first trap puts parents in a rigid framework. Here I was born a man, you have him tied some kind of relationship, but you are a little to do with him. You rush to educate him!

This activity draws you in like a funnel stronger and stronger. And you fall into the second trap - the trap of public opinion. Imagine the situation: a neighbor child began to write in a pot in a year! Imagine what success? But my child is not pissing in a pot a year. In theory, I should not care about the neighbor forty times, because next to me is my favorite people - my child, whom I have been doing and with whom I have my own relationship. But instead of this happening to me? I fall into the trap - it is clear, in any. Or I'm going with the child on the stairs, we both have a wonderful mood, he jumps on one leg, singing, and here comes the very neighbor and yelled at him: "Why are you shouting ?!" And I would welcome at this point could simply say in her ear: "I'm sorry. We have already come out. " No, I begin to make strange things. Nod, who knew what.

I walk along the wonderful summer park with the child to the mother (his grandmother) for lunch. We are getting closer and closer to my mother's house. We have a wonderful mood. And at the exit of the park, he said: "Dad, buy ice cream!" What we usually say in such situations? As a general rule: "Thou shalt not eat lunch!" At this moment in my head as though something has shifted. I just walked in the park with your loved one, we were all very good, we felt happy, and suddenly I was "turned on" his mother, or a neighbor, or the teacher and began to bear nonsense. In fact, after the child eats ice cream in front of soup, he probably will not be able to make independent decisions in the future will not be able to participate in the conflicts in and out of them a winner. Do you want to make sure absurd denouement of the situation in the park? Replace child beloved

-. But she's an adult

! And this is that it is an adult? Why do we think that the beloved adult and sort herself, and the child himself will not understand

-? For the child we bear responsibility, and an adult for itself

. Right, let the girl, you fool, and dying from ice cream, gorged itself after the soup

-! Adult man himself in a position to predict the results of their actions

. And he naprognoziruet? What he will not eat soup after the ice cream? It is not excluded. Maybe it wants to, can, will not. Most of us adults, ready to put the relationship with his favorite child on the altar ... do not know why! I'm not sure that the grandmother of the child attains the highest peak of pleasure when her grandson eats soup. That's all, nothing else in this conflict

How to protect the child from the "white death"

-.! Feed the child cream harmful

Let's continue this path to hell together. And what would happen if he eats ice cream

-? He does not eat soup, and so hungry later

. And you certainly do not give him food. Let me five or seven years. And because of that I want ice cream, I have to listen to a lecture about parents grandmother mood future, long way home and her mother's fantasies. Because it is an absolute fiction: Mom, like Cassandra, already knows in advance, I'll be hungry in two hours or will not

- If the child will eat only ice cream, then a year later it will have diabetes. diabetes.

Why such a strange fantasy that the child will eat only ice cream? If you want your child to eat only sweet, it is first necessary to teach it. Man by nature tend to have very different food. But the easiest way to plant for dessert - give him candy as a reward. That is, start to behave like a child with a dog and after a while get a predictable result: he starts to behave like a dog. No such children who will eat only ice cream, if he is all the time to buy it

-! And if the child says he wants to sniff glue or gasoline drink jar

Notice how quickly we went to an ice cream on the glue! Do you have a fear that as soon as the parents turn away, the first thing the children decide to drink a bottle of gasoline. To deal with this fear, but you yourself?

The children did not want any drinking gasoline or sniff glue. Everything what they have learned at first, they definitely learned from their parents. In order for the child decided to sniff glue, you need someone to snuff with him for a couple. Someone might say that in the school there are such enthusiasts. To which I answer: you can not teach a child not to sniff glue, but you exactly the strength to teach him something else. If the child - the manipulator, think how he knew how to manipulate. After all, he was born to love, and this is not the pathos

-! But grandmother, being old, half of the last forces cooked this soup, and the child after the ice cream there is no longer want. After all, we had agreed with the baby to go to visit her and dine. In its efforts to give a damn?

Okay, my grandmother cooked. Its terribly sorry. So eat her soup, buddy! You're trying to tell me now that you have a difficult relationship with your mother. Maybe you and not their child razrulivat? You do not have to lump together with her mother and the relationship with the child. If you know that your mother would be offended when a child refuses to borscht, tell him the truth, however bitter it may be, like yourselves have been taught as a child. "Listen, I have a complicated relationship with her mother. I'm afraid of her. I was tempted to make you hostage to their own fears. Baby, help me get out of this shit! "- Here and tell your child. Maybe the child eventually decides to eat soup after the ice cream, and maybe does not want to. It is his decision and his stomach

What if the child does not want to learn - Let's say I see, taking a child to school, and now at the threshold he says to me. "There is something I do not want to. On the carousel to now! "What to?

The school is more important than the carousel

-?! Yes

Who told you that? You go to work cursing, through the power - and even the child is suffering from an early age, right? If your child is reaching school age, he said that the dull and nothing to do in school, and life boils at an amusement park, the conclusion is obvious: it is necessary to urgently change the school. Otherwise, you are sending a loved one to kill life in the dull school as much as eleven years old! At that time he becomes a hostage of your fantasies

-. There is an educational method by which it is necessary to allow the child to do nothing and to live as they feel comfortable. And how long before, as long as he wants to go to school?

The fact that people do not want to do what he does not like, does not mean that he does not want to do anything. Only the body does not want. The man knows exactly what he wants to do. Even a child. It is difficult to catch the child in complete inaction. Even if he was lying on the couch, it's about something thinks. You want to give it a new skill? Well, give. Next is the parent begins: "I do not like what he was doing. I have my own ideas about what is best to do it. " Where, I wonder, do you know what he will do better?

A child is born is incredibly curious. He throws toys out of the crib and watches as they fall down. He pours the sauce and begins to draw them on the table picture. But then it comes to other people - large - and begin to speak strange phrases like "curious Varvara's nose torn off in the market." A child does not always understand the meaning of words, but the overall picture is clear to him: he urged not to be curious. Then they come to me the parents of such a child and say, "Our studies in the second grade and generally no interest!" I usually answer to this: "How did you do that?»

Popular Russian obsession is called a "must read" Who does not read, he will not be successful. The easiest way to make a child interested in reading - to read with him. Seeing that my mother instead of watching "KVN" Leafs Turgenev (just not with aypada!), He realizes that it is a great pleasure. But if a parent lies on the couch with a bottle of beer in front of a TV set or talking on the phone, playing a computer game or busy with work and tells him: "Go read it" - then the child cognitive dissonance arises. Like this: Dad says that reading is a wonderful occupation, but I never caught him off guard him

? The same cognitive dissonance arises when I order a child to button. I am at this moment translates the idea that it should be cold. It was he who at this moment knows exactly what he's hot, but fits and Dad says, "You're cold!" For the child's father is still respected. He zastegnetsya, because he believes the pope, but does not believe himself. I am now the first thing asked how to teach a child to be an independent person. For a start it would be nice, so it can decide when it is cold and when hot. Do not believe it, but people from birth to understand this. An amazing property for a small-sized man, is not it

How to wean a child from computer games and getting stuck in the phone -? How to deal with iPads, which now play almost all the children? As the time limit games, if a child sees everywhere playing peers?

In our childhood aypadov we were not, so we do not know what it is - to grow with them. The plates are parental fear. But what to do? We can not force children to observe the regime of our childhood. Personally, I have not seen any distinct research showing that the tablets are harmful to children. And in order to keep contact with the child under the supervision of the gadget and think of all the nuances, be with your child. Same play. Go into its territory. Be interested in what is interesting to your children - this rule is as old as the world

-. One boy was fond of shooters and stole his parents and five thousand rubles to put on your game account. His dependence on the shooters!

The very situation in which the child is forced to steal money that he likes, looks wild. About I tell you what, depending on the shooters. Such games when you have to run down the hall and someone "wet", as a rule, rather mechanical and dull. If you do not want your child to play too much, offer him no less interesting alternative! You usually say: "Go learned about it" - a good alternative, do not say anything. When year-old child selflessly, over and over again, throws a dumbbell on the floor - he admiringly observes the law of universal gravitation in action. In physics, his place in the seventh grade. After only thirteen years after man discovered this law, the subject seems to him to be inappropriate and unnecessary, because he can get used to the sight of falling objects. But consider how the law of gravity and other things from the physics more interesting than a computer game!

The child does not communicate with their peers - they are both buried in their phones. Think about where the child has learned this "communication", someone spied on? Probably, in adults. He was fixed pattern of behavior, which implies that sit on the phone often safer and more interesting, than to enter into direct relations with a man. To the child pulled away from the gadget, there must be something more interesting than a gadget. Agree, this is because in the case of working with adults. Here you see the evening show and one eye looked at the phone, posts something on Facebook. At some point you put off your phone. Or maybe not postpone and go on the most interesting activity in the world. Nod, who themselves learned.

In bad situations, our children will fall without us. On the way they meet a huge number of people who will make their lives worse. On the contrary, in their way is not a lot of people who will take them as they are, without indemnity conditions. Maybe these people will you parents for their

How not to cry, and how not to drill -?? How to set limits to the child

Write on a sheet of paper a list of what your child, you think you can not do. Just do it alone, without involving the wife, let him write his list. Rather write, why do not be listed. Just be honest! At this stage, many "impossible" has withdrawn from the list. It will become clear that the list is dictated by your personal boundaries - that it is impossible for you personally. Restrictions are formed through an agreement. One can endlessly insist that there can not be sweet, but it is not a way to limit the consumption of sweets. To begin, place the sweet within reach and endured the week. The child will not be able to eat some sweets and be sure to ask for something else. In addition, tell me what you really, genuinely afraid for his health, because there is such a disease - diabetes. Believe me, you will be heard

-. A duty as instill

? For example, a child toys scattered on your bed. You tell him to put them away. What for? Then, what are you going to go, because you want to sleep. You can offer to clean them together and bring them to the nursery. People do not live duties. They live motivations, the mechanism of generation of which is much more difficult

-. How not to yell at the child

? The strange story told me a friend of St. Petersburg. A perfect autumn day she went with her son in a tram on Anichkov bridge, on which the sculptural group "Horse Tamers" Klodt. The mood she was terrific. "And then I pulled the damn language, - she said - to ask him who the author of these sculptures." Half a minute later, she found herself screaming at her child, because he did not give her the author. Maybe I not know, maybe I forgot - it does not matter. You see how it turns out: just go to the tram and to love his mother enough - this mom needs you to simultaneously developed and studied the history of the city

. There was a question: "Why did you do it?" Do you think she knows why? Of course not. This did not prevent her to go to come up with a motive for his action: "Well, how can we live in such a beautiful city, so my child should certainly know ..." Before she began to scream at her son with her in the bus, something happened . There can not be her "turn" her own child. It turned out that a second before you start yelling, she felt an ache in the lower back.

Whenever happens to us the so-called breakdown, we feel it physically. Remember, as you start to cry. У кого-то это связано с тяжелым комком в горле, у кого-то с тяжестью в солнечном сплетении, у кого-то потеют ладони или ноги становятся ватными. Я знаю, что 97% людей, прежде чем начать кричать на кого-то, совсем перестают дышать. Так вот, когда хочется заорать, сначала проверьте, дышите ли вы — многие поразятся, обнаружив, что и правда не дышат. Сделайте глубокий вдох, дальше самозабвенно визжите, если захотите.

Та мама, что кричала на своего сына из-за скульптур Клодта, однажды позвонила мне поздно вечером и сказала: «Дима, я кое-что вспомнила!» У нее был дедушка, который считал, что ребенка надо каждые выходные водить в музей, и каждые выходные аккуратно обходил с ней питерские музеи. «Я помню, как мы были в Русском музее,  — рассказала она,  — шел второй час экскурсии, поясница ныла, ноги болели, а дедушка все говорил, говорил и говорил». Вот так рождаются самые разные абсурдные поведенческие модели. Чтобы перестать орать, научитесь отслеживать то, что предшествует крику.

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