Gordon Neufeld: 7 points, undermining parental authority Bashny.Net

There are 7 basic ways in which attachment makes effective education. Unfortunately, when the child's affection fail, the same 7 ways to begin to undermine parental authority.

1. Attachment builds hierarchical relationships between parent and child.

When people enter into a relationship, the brain of each of attachment automatically ranks the members in order of dominance. In accordance with our archetypes, all people are clearly divided into dominant and dependent, carers and guardians, those who give and those who take. This is as true for the relationship between the adults, but in healthy, reciprocal relationship based on interoperability must exist between those who care and those for whom care, depending on the circumstances and on the basis of the allocation of responsibilities between the spouses.

In relations with adult children must remain dependent and in need of care.
The child is susceptible to care for it and to adult guidelines as long as he feels dependent. Children who have taken the right place in the hierarchy of relations, instinctively strive to ensure that care for them. They intuitively respectful with parents turn to them in search of answers to their questions, rely on them.



This state of affairs is consistent with the nature of attachment. This is what allows us to carry out their duties. Without this sense of dependence behavior is very difficult to manage.

Focusing on peer activates the same program, but with negative consequences. Rather than maintain a healthy relationship with his child's caregivers, the scheme "domination-dependence" creates an unhealthy situation of domination and subordination among immature peers. The child, whose brain affection will choose dominant position, will take over the control function and will command their peers. If the dominant child is able to empathize and will be responsible for the other, he will be able to act as a tutor and guardian. If the child is depressed, aggressive and self-centered, it turns into a bully. But the greatest damage caused by orientation to peers, is "anti-aliasing" natural hierarchy "parent-child".

Parents lose respect and credibility, which in vivo are a logical addition to their dominant role. Oriented peers child does not have an inner sense of order and the ability to classify, does not seek to ensure that the parent holds a leading position. On the contrary, such a positioning of the parent will seem child-oriented peers contrived and unnatural, as if trying to boss the parent or the child wanted to humiliate him.

Targeting peers - not the only reason that the natural order of attachment may be broken. This can happen in other circumstances - for example, if a parent on child projects their unmet needs. There are parents who entrusted their children as a breastplate, they complain to their difficulties in the marital relationship. In such circumstances, the child becomes a buffer to quench the psychological experiences of their parents. Rather than share with parents their own difficulties, the child learns to suppress their needs and serve the emotional needs of others. This inversion of the hierarchy of attachments, among other things, harms the healthy development. The exchange of roles with the parent has a negative impact on the relationship of the child with the world. This is a potential source of further physiological and psychological stress.

2. Attachment parenting awakens instincts, makes affectionate child, and parents tolerant. When our actions or words children express a desire to be tied to us, this makes them sweeter and easier to communicate with them.

There are hundreds of subtle, unconscious gestures and expressions, are intended to soften us and make us closer. Children do not manipulate us, we are affected by the strength of attachment, and for very good reasons. Parenting is difficult, and we need something to facilitate our burden. Targeting peers changes all this. Body language of affection is no longer aimed at us. Our child is no longer responds to our touch. Embrace became formal and unilateral. We already difficult experience tenderness for his own child.

The attachment of the child to us no longer feeds us, we can only rely on our parents' love and responsibility. For some of us this is enough, but the majority - not. In fact, all parents are using all the abuse and very few people appreciate. But, under the influence of attachment, we usually do not think about it. Most of us are in need of affection action, which helps to reconcile with the physical and mental exhaustion, accumulating in the performance of our parenting.

Children tend to have no idea about its impact on us, what they sometimes inflict wounds, and what sacrifices we have to bring for them. What we take for granted - a part of our parental role. But if love is directed to the opposite side from us, our burden can become unbearable. Faced with a child-oriented peers, many of us feel the dullness of their parental instincts.

We begin to lose the natural warmth that had for our children, and may even feel guilty, because "enough love" their children. The unnatural world focused on peer relations, the same force attachment that helps to put up with ill-treatment directed against us. It provokes abuse peer environment.

Children begin to suffer violence from their peers. Kids, house, and resisting any comments slightest signs monitoring, ready to put up with the unreasonable requirements of peers and suffer abuse from them. Unable to understand what his friend or classmate does not care about it enough to take into account his feelings-oriented peers child will look the other way or find an excuse that will help keep a relationship.

3. Attachment directs the child's attention.

Incredibly difficult to control the child who does not pay attention to us. The child should look at us and listen to us - without it there is no training possible. Generally, consideration should be for the attachment. The greater the attachment, the easier it is to gain the child's attention. When the attachment is weak, the attention of the child is also difficult to draw. One of the surest signs of lack of attention the child is the need to continuously improve the voice or the frequent repetition of the same. When children begin to rely on their peers, their attention is instinctively changes its orientation.

Be attentive to what they say parents or teachers, it is unnatural for such a child. The sounds coming from the adults, are seen as a child device focus noise and interference, the meaning of which is unclear, and the importance in terms of the needs of attachment, dominant in his emotional life, is questionable. Focusing on peer creates attention deficit child in relation to adults, because adults no longer occupy the top level in the hierarchy of attention focused on the child's peers.

4. Attachment keeps children close to their parents.

Perhaps the most obvious task is to keep the child's attachment next to the parents. When a child feels the need for physical intimacy, affection becomes an invisible thread. Sometimes it seems that this need to suppress us, especially when a small child does not give us even go to the bathroom. However, for the most part, the attachment program provides us with considerable freedom. Instead of constantly monitor their child, we can afford to go ahead and trust his instincts follow us. Children's instincts maintain close contact can interfere with us or cause irritation.

If we need time for parting work, study, love life, health or sleep action attachment inconvenienced us. In our society, so everything fell on its head, we can begin to appreciate the child's alienation from us than his instinctive desire for intimacy. Unfortunately, we can not get something, and more. Parents whose children are not sufficiently tied to them, the huge effort required withholding their offspring in sight. If all goes well, the desire for physical intimacy with the parent gradually transformed into a need for emotional intimacy and contact. The urgent need to keep a parent in sight turns to the need to know where the parent is. Even teenagers, whose strong attachment to parents will ask, "Where is Daddy?" Or "When my mother come?" - And will be nervous, unable to contact the parents

. Focused on children of the same age in the same way in need of intimacy and contact, but this need to have directed at each other. In this case, they will be interested in the whereabouts of our deputies. Our society has created a lot of maintaining contact technologies, ranging from mobile phones and emails and ending with internet chats.

5. Attachment does a parent role model.

Adults are often surprised and hurt a situation where the children entrusted to their care do not follow their example in how to behave and how to live. But the child takes the example of only those people to whom he was really attached. Imitation - is attachment in action. Imitating the behavior of the object of his affection, child support psychological intimacy with him.

The desire to be like the object of his affection for some children become the most significant source of spontaneous experience, despite the fact that the role of the main source of motivation here is the proximity, not knowledge. This training takes place unconsciously, as a teacher and for the student. In the absence of knowledge of the attachment is difficult and has to make an effort to learn. When peers replace parents as the main objects of affection, they become models for our children, of course, is not taking any responsibility for the final result.

The knowledge that the child is possessed in these conditions, can be acceptable if we like children, acting as a model, but they lead us to despair, if the model will serve children whose behavior or values ​​cause us concern. Worse still, whatever we want to train our children in such circumstances, everything will be given to him with difficulty, accepted with reluctance, and move - very slowly

. 6. Attachment does a parent main mentor a child.

One of the fundamental parental responsibility - to guide the actions of the child and guide him. As long as the child does not acquire the capacity for independent orientation and to obtain information from the outside, he needs someone who'd pointed his way. Children are constantly searching for answers to the question, how to be and what to do. Critically important are not our pedagogical talent, but whether we have appointed a program embedded in the children affection conductors, for which they should follow.

It is important to give the right guidance, but if a child does not listen to us, even the wisest and most clearly expressed advice will not help. If the child does not follow our instructions, it is easier to assume that the problem is either in the way we are bringing our expectations to the child, or in the ability of our children to perceive the information.

This is possible in some cases, but more often the problem lies deeper: in the result of the loss of affection a child ceases to obey our leadership

. If peers replace parents as mentors, the child begins to act in accordance with the expectations of their peers, as he understands them. Such a child will fulfill the requirements of their peers with the same alacrity with which he would have to obey their parents, if I were focused on adults. Some parents avoid giving instructions to the child, while in the grip of a naive belief that they need to leave space for the child to develop its own internal rules. But it does not happen. Only after passing all the stages of psychological maturation, we become capable of true self-determination. Of course, for the development of the child it is very important to have a choice appropriate to the age and degree of maturity, but giving up the control behavior of the child, in principle, the parents, in the end, lose its role. In the absence of guidance from parents, most children begin to draw them from alternative sources such as company peers. Manage the child who does not listen to us, it is hard enough, but trying to control the child, which directs the actions of someone else, it is practically impossible.

Nature is assigned so that we should not replace any new coach, but maturity - as when a child grows up, he will be able to make their own decisions and choose the best scenario for yourself

. 7. Affection creates in the child a desire to be a good parent.

The latter method, which helps us to love, is the most important: the desire of the child to be a good parent. There are many reasons why a child may behave badly, but the key one is the lack of desire to do otherwise. Striving to be a good much less due to the child's character than with the nature of his relationship with others. If a child is "bad", we have to change the attitude, rather than a child.

Attachment awakens the desire to be good in many ways, and each of them is important in its own way. Together, they make it possible to transfer the acceptable standards of behavior from one generation to another. One of the sources of the child's desire to be good - it is the "conscience of affection", his innate "burglar alarm". It keeps the child from any actions that may cause dissatisfaction of parents.

The essence of attachment of conscience - in the fear of separation. The most important nerve centers of the brain work as attachment system, causing discomfort and confusion, when we are separated from those who are attached to.

The first time such a reaction in a child is waiting for the physical separation. When physical affection grows into a psychological, a major cause of anxiety becomes an emotional experience of separation. The child will suffer, anticipating or experiencing the disapproval or disappointment on the part of the parent. Any action that can frustrate parents, to push him away or cause of his alienation, cause anxiety in the child. Conscience attachment behavior will keep the child within the boundaries set by parental expectations.

Conscience affection child can become the basis of morality, but it is a natural function of maintaining liaison with the primary object of affection. If you change the active child attachment, the conscience of affection will help your child to avoid what might upset the new object of affection, or damage the intimacy in a new relationship. Then the child will develop a code identity so that he could form independent judgments and values, and his conscience will become more mature and independent, stable in all situations and relationships.

You can never intentionally cause the child to experience, to feel guilty or ashamed, to make it better. Abuse of conscience attachment can cause an acute sense of insecurity and child can lead to the fact that the child is fully closed, fearing that his back hurt. Malfunctions conscience attachment can occur not only because of the focus on peers, but often problems arise when it begins to serve the relationship with their peers, not their parents. This leads to two undesirable consequences. Parents deprived of the help of conscience attachment as an instrument of influence on the child's behavior, but she is now the conscience serving relationships with peers.

If the values ​​differ from their peers parents values, the child's behavior changes accordingly. Это изменение поведения свидетельствует о том, что ценности родителей не были по-настоящему усвоены ребёнком, не были приняты им как свои собственные. Они работали только в качестве инструмента угождения. Дети не усваивают ценности – не принимают их полностью – до подросткового возраста. Поэтому перемены в поведении ориентированного на ровесников ребёнка не означают, что его ценности изменились, они говорят только о смене направления его инстинктов привязанности.

Родители часто ведут с детьми беседы о ценностях, не осознавая, что для их ориентированных на ровесников детей ценности – не более, чем стандарты, которым они, дети должны следовать, чтобы заслужить одобрение группы ровесников.

Ориентация на ровесников останавливает нравственное развитие личности.

Стремление быть плохим – это констатация желания быть хорошим. Указывая ребёнку, что такой-то вид поведения порадовал бы нас или что мы гордимся чем-то, что сделал ребёнок, или рады этому, мы можем только ухудшить ситуацию. Негативная сторона биполярной природы привязанности заключается в том, что она провоцирует поведение, противоположное желаемому. Может показаться, что ориентированный на ровесников ребёнок специально провоцирует нас, и отчасти это верно, но следует помнить, что он действует инстинктивно и ненамеренно. Все мы, будучи субъектами привязанности, ведомы инстинктами и импульсами.

Если мы хотим дистанцироваться от кого-то, стремление угодить этому человеку становится для нас противоестественным, неправильным и нелогичным. Зарабатывать одобрение своих ровесников, одновременно оставаясь хорошим для родителей, ребёнку не по силам. Желание ребёнка быть хорошим в глазах родителей – это мощная мотивация, значительно облегчающая процесс воспитания. Мы навредим отношениям с ребёнком, если не будем верить в его желание быть хорошим, когда оно на самом деле существует: например, обвиняя ребёнка в дурных намерениях, если он демонстрирует неприемлемое для нас поведение. Такие обвинения могут очень быстро запустить механизмы защиты в подсознании ребёнка, повредить нашим с ним взаимоотношениям и заставить его считать себя плохим.

Для ребёнка слишком рискованно продолжать стремиться быть хорошим в глазах родителя или учителя, который не верит в его добрые намерения и, следовательно, думает, что к нему, ребёнку, надо применять метод кнута и пряника. Это порочный круг. Внешняя мотивация поведения, основанная на поощрениях и наказаниях, только разрушает бесценную внутреннюю мотивацию быть хорошим, делает использование таких искусственных мер необходимым по умолчанию. Одной из лучших инвестиций в легкое родительство является вера в желание ребенка быть хорошим.

Многие существующие методы управления поведением, базирующиеся на внешней мотивации, идут напролом там, где следовало бы проявить осторожность. Так называемая “теория естественных последствий” – один из таких примеров. Сущность этого дисциплинарного метода состоит в том, чтобы сформировать в сознании ребёнка связь между нежелательными поступками и санкциями, к ним применяемыми. Проблема в том, что эти санкции выбирают родители в соответствии с логикой, которая понятна им, но не детям. То, что родителю кажется естественным, может быть воспринятым ребёнком как произвол. Если последствия на самом деле естественные, почему их наступление зависит от воли взрослых?

Некоторые родители рассматривают доверие лишь в отношении к конечному результату, а не к базовой мотивации. Для них вера – это не инвестиция, а то, что нужно ещё заслужить. Даже если ребёнку никогда не удавалось соответствовать нашим ожиданиям или следовать своим собственным намерениям, мы все равно должны доверять его желанию быть хорошим для нас. Если желание быть хорошим для нас не вознаграждается и не взращивается, у ребёнка больше не будет причин стараться соответствовать нашим ожиданиям. Именно желание детей быть хорошими, а не их способность отвечать нашим требованиям, заслуживает нашей веры.

Из книги Гордона Ньюфелда и Габора Матэ “Не упускайте своих детей”.