The 10 most common mistakes in parenting: Environmental parenthood

The education that parents give affects the entire future life of the child. No wonder so many of us want to do the right thing. However, there are often unobvious traps along the way. What are the main mistakes that even the most loving parents make, and how to avoid them, creating a truly environmentally friendly space for the development of the child?

Modern research in child psychology allows us to better understand which parenting practices actually contribute to the healthy development of children, and which can cause long-term harm despite the best intentions. The concept of “green parenting” implies the creation of an environment that takes into account the natural needs of the child and forms a healthy basis for his emotional and psychological development.
According to the American Psychological Association, about 63% of parents admit to regularly making parenting mistakes that they later regret. Let’s take a look at the 10 most common ones and how to overcome them.
1. Ignoring the child’s emotions
Many parents, faced with strong emotional reactions of the child (especially negative ones), tend to extinguish them faster, using phrases like “don’t cry”, “no reason to be upset” or “calm down immediately”. This approach may seem logical – we want the child to calm down faster and learn to control himself.
However, research shows that not recognizing and devaluing children’s emotions leads to the fact that the child begins to doubt their feelings, loses touch with their emotional world and subsequently may have difficulty with emotional self-regulation.

How to fix:

• Recognize all emotions of the child as natural and have the right to exist.
• Use the mirroring technique: “I see you’re upset/angry/offended.”
  
• Help to call emotions: “It’s called frustration when you wait very long and it doesn’t work.”
• Teach your child to express emotions in acceptable ways rather than suppressing them.

2. Excessive custody and restriction of independence
Parents often seek to protect their children from all possible dangers and setbacks, leading to the phenomenon of helicopter parenthood. But such hypercare deprives the child of the opportunity to gain their own experience, learn from mistakes and develop resistance to difficulties.
According to a study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, children of hyperprotective parents show lower levels of autonomy, self-confidence and ability to cope with life challenges.
How to fix:

• Create a safe environment for research, not limit activity
• Allow your child to make age-appropriate decisions
  
• Encourage self-solving problems by offering help only when it is truly needed.
• Distinguish between situations of real danger and those where a child can gain valuable experience.

3. Inconsistency between words and actions
Parents often do not realize that children learn primarily not from what they are told, but from what they see. When our words diverge from our actions, we create cognitive dissonance in the child and undermine the credibility of our words.
Psychologists note that the contradiction between the declared values and the real behavior of parents is one of the most destructive mistakes of upbringing, leading to the formation of double standards and dishonesty in children.

How to fix:

• First work on yourself – model the behavior you want to see in your child.
• If you make a mistake or go against your words, feel free to admit it to your child.
  
• Explain the reasons for your decisions so that your child understands the logic of your actions.
• Do not ask your children for what you do not do yourself.

4. Comparison with other children
“Look how well Masha reads!”, “Why can’t you be quiet like Petya?” – such phrases are familiar to many from childhood. Parents often resort to comparisons, thinking that it motivates the child. However, research shows the opposite.
Comparing with other children undermines self-esteem, causes feelings of inferiority, and can lead to chronic self-doubt. In addition, it destroys the child’s healthy self-motivation, replacing it with external motivation through competition.
How to fix:

• Compare your child to his or her past accomplishments: “Last month you were able to read 5 pages, now 15!”
• Focus on the process and effort, not the outcome.
  
• Recognize your child’s unique qualities and talents
• If you want to praise another child with your own, do so without comparison.

5. Inconsistency in rules and consequences
Children need predictability and clear boundaries to develop a sense of security. When the rules change depending on the mood of the parents or are not accompanied by logical consequences, the child loses orientation and can not form a healthy pattern of behavior.
Research suggests that inconsistency in parenting is associated with increased anxiety in children, problems with self-regulation, and difficulties in social adjustment.

How to fix:

• Identify some really important rules and stick to them.
• Discuss the rules with children, explaining their meaning
  
• Determine the natural consequences of the violation – related to the violation itself
• If a rule requires a change, discuss it in advance, not at the time of its violation.
• Harmonize discipline with all adults in the family

6. Solving problems for the child
Observing the difficulties of the child, parents often rush to offer a ready-made solution or just do everything for him. This seems to be caring and saves time, but in the long run deprives the child of essential skills.
Psychologists from Stanford University have found a direct link between the ability of parents to allow children to overcome their own difficulties and the formation of stress resistance in children.
How to fix:

• Use problem situations as learning moments
• Ask leading questions instead of offering ready-made solutions: “What could be done in this situation?”
  
• Encourage your child to overcome difficulties on their own
• Be patient, even if the task takes longer.

7. Absence of borders and excessive democracy
In an effort to escape authoritarianism, some parents go to the other extreme – a complete lack of boundaries and rules. This approach is often disguised as “free education”, but in practice deprives children of the necessary structure.
According to longitudinal studies, children who grew up without clear boundaries are more likely to show problems with self-control, have difficulties in building relationships and experience increased anxiety.

How to fix:

• Distinguish between authoritarianism (hard control) and authority (reasonable demands with respect for the individual)
• Set boundaries, explaining their necessity and value
  
• Involve your children in the discussion of rules, but leave the last word on important issues.
• Be consistent in maintaining established boundaries.

8. Avoiding difficult conversations
Many parents avoid discussing “inconvenient” topics with their children, from natural processes in the body to complex social phenomena. As a result, children receive information from less reliable sources or form a distorted view of important aspects of life.
Studies show that children with whom parents openly discuss complex topics exhibit higher levels of critical thinking and make more informed decisions during adolescence.
How to fix:

• Start a conversation on difficult topics first, without waiting for your child to learn from other sources.
• Adapt information to your child’s age, but don’t distort the facts.
  
• Use “learning moments” from everyday life to discuss important topics.
• Develop your own competence in matters that may interest your child

9. Perfectionism and high expectations
The desire to see your child succeed is natural for parents. However, when this turns into constant pressure and unrealistic expectations, the result is the opposite of what is desired.
Research from the American Psychological Association shows a clear link between parental perfectionism and the development of anxiety disorders, low self-esteem, and fear of failure.

How to fix:

• Set realistic expectations appropriate to your child’s age and personality
• Recognize the value of mistakes as part of the learning process
  
• Praise the effort and the process, not just the result.
• Accept your child unconditionally, even when he does not meet your expectations.
• Work on your own perfectionism so you don’t project it on children.

10. Lack of quality communication and presence
In the age of multitasking and digital, many parents are physically close to their children, but emotionally and mentally absent. This makes children feel that they are less important than their parents’ other concerns.
Recent research by neuroscientists shows that the qualitative presence of parents directly affects the development of the child’s brain, the formation of healthy attachment and emotional intelligence.
How to fix:

• Allocate time for fully focused communication with the child without gadgets and distractions
• Practice active listening – show that you really hear and understand your child
  
• Create family rituals that provide regular quality time together
• Be fully here and now for at least 15-20 minutes a day with each child.

The Way to Green Parenthood
Awareness of typical parenting mistakes is the first step towards a more conscious and environmentally friendly parenting. It’s important to remember that none of us are perfect parents, and we all make mistakes from time to time. The key difference of the eco-friendly approach is the willingness to admit your mistakes, learn from them and constantly grow up with your children.
Strive to create an environment where your child feels unconditionally loved, respected and supported in his or her unique developmental path. Environmental parenting is not about avoiding mistakes, but about minimizing their destructive effects and maximizing the benefits of constructive interaction.
Start with small changes in the areas where you feel most uncomfortable, and gradually move toward deeper transformations in your parenting approach. The results will not be long in coming – you will see how not only the child’s behavior changes, but also the quality of your relationships.

Glossary
Environmental parenthood
An approach to education that takes into account the natural needs of the child and creates an environment that promotes his healthy psychological and emotional development, without harming the individual.
Emotional intelligence
The ability to recognize one’s own emotions and those of others, understand their causes, and manage them in a constructive way.
Helicopter parenthood
The style of parenting, characterized by excessive care and control, when parents "soar" over the child like a helicopter, trying to protect him from any difficulties and failures.
Resilience
Psychological stability, the ability to effectively cope with stressful situations and adapt to change. It is formed including through overcoming possible difficulties in childhood.
Authoritative style of education
An approach that combines high demands with emotional warmth and respect for the child’s personality. Unlike authoritarian style, it involves explaining the rules and taking into account the views of the child.
Cognitive dissonance
Psychological discomfort that occurs when confronted with conflicting information or situation. Children often have inconsistencies in the words and actions of parents.
Active hearing
A communication technique in which the listener demonstrates full attention, empathy, and understanding through nonverbal cues, clarifying questions, and paraphrasing.